Part 4 -- The Portland Years

A couple of days after she & BB (Bubba Bear) arrived in Portland, actually Beaverton, where they were now staying with his friends, she found a job as an administrative assistant for the Parks & Recreations Dept. She really liked the job & was happy to be out of the bar/restaurant business. Cowboy was not happy about her choice of work. He grumbled every day about all the tips they were missing. Grumbled about a steady paycheck. She was looking for security & a future but he just had no concept of this type of life. After all, he had only had one or two jobs out in the world in his adult life. He had survived by scamming, stealing, playing cards, running illegal card games, etc. He just could not get with the idea of a steady paycheck & a suburban lifestyle. Oh, he wanted the big house, nice things, sporty car but he did not want to put in the time to get them. She stood up to him until he wore her down. Then she went back to bartending & bar management. They found a nice house, they got his stuff out of storage (they had sold all her stuff when they made a trip back to Vegas to move to Portland permanently). They were standing in the driveway of the friends' house one afternoon as he berated her about something now long forgotten, & she looked in his eyes, saw something that scared the hell out of her. She said "You are the devil". He was so shocked & so mad he forgot to hit her. Score one for the home team!

She worked 10-14 hrs a day, he sat around. By now she had become one of those women she saw on Lifetime movies & wondered why they stayed. Now she knew why. She had become nothing. He humilated her at every turn, he degraded & devalued her. She became a shell of who she had been. She had no friends, she had no contact with her family, she had to account for every minute of every day.

NOTE: As I write this I find it so hard to believe I sank that far, that I let another human control me to that extent. I fought back alot, I learned to hit back, I would sometimes pummel him & one time brought him to his knees from beating on his chest hard, fast, long. I became someone that I did not like. My Spirit was dying more & more each day. I had attempted suicide three times over the years. The last time he broke down the bathroom door & wrestled the blade from my hands. It wasn't so much that I wanted to die, but I really wanted to get off the merry-go-round I was on. I just did not know how to pull STOP. So, in some very sick way, I felt I owed him for saving my life. But the price was becoming too much to pay. I stood in the middle of our kitchen one day while he held a loaded gun & told him to go ahead & end both our suffering. I knew that day that even though he held the gun to his head he was not going to kill himself, but I did figure he would kill me. When he dropped the gun to his side I took it, unloaded it, & got rid of it. It was a turning point, it was the beginning on the end.

She began to make friends at work, the first women friends she had ever really had. They seemed to see her real self. They saw her Spirit, her gifts. She found her Totem, she began to meditate, she started reading lots of self-help & New Age books, she began to change-to grow. She started to find her voice. The weekend DJ kept trying to get her to leave Cowboy (for selfish reasons BTW). She laid awake at night trying to figure out how to kill him without getting caught. She wanted to just be rid of him, but she couldn't figure a way so she was trapped in the nightmare. And so life went during the Portland years.

Then, after several years-she spent 7 yrs in OR all together, she found out he was beating on BB (by now a Senior in high school with behavioral problems & a very nasty temper). She could, for some reason, take the abuse herself but she would not tolerate it on BB. So one night there was a big argument, Cowboy & OK Farmgirl were in their bedroom & he punched her square in the face with a doubled up fist. She took the punch, looked him in the eye & said "That will be the last time you ever f...ing hit me" & walked out. BB came out of his room broom in hand to do battle with Cowboy. "You do not hit women & you most particularly do not hit my Mother". NOTE: Years later BB told her that he had a loaded pistol that he had gotten from a friend under his pillow. It was the grace of Great Spirit that caused BB to grab the broom as weapon & not that gun. If he had grabbed the gun I would probably still be in an OR prison 'cause BB's prints would not have been on that gun.
At that point the fight was going to be on, a battle was about to rage. She threw herself between them & told BB to go to his friend S's house. S & his mother came, picked up BB & begged her to come also. She told them she was leaving but not tonight. Once she knew BB was safe, she knew she would be leaving too. She had been hoarding tips (skimming off the top so to speak), paying off credit cards on the sly. Cowboy was angry that night but not abusive. She slept on the couch, he kept coming out to wake her up. Three days later she got up early, left a note, took what she wanted to be sure she kept, took all the credit cards, the debit card, the checkbook out of Cowboy's wallet & drove away. First, to the bank to close the joint account & open a new one, next to work to put her valuables in the safe & tell her boss what was up. Then she found an apartment, bought furniture, & arranged to move in. Then she called her mother & told it all. Her brother, now a cop, offered to leave OK right then & meet her half way so she would not be traveling alone. She thanked him but declined. BB wanted to stay to finish his senior year & she would not leave him.

Cowboy called many times that day & the days following, but she would not relent. She had found her strength once more. She was free & wanted to stay that way. She retained an attorney, told him the whole story, & filed for divorce. She took the papers to Cowboy to sign. She begged him to let her go. Explained that they were not good for each other. Said they only brought out the worst in each other. She begged. He finally signed. Her attorney went straight to a judge & asked for an immediate divorce. The judge waived all the waiting periods based on the situation & granted an immediate divorce. Cowboy has been in her life for 12 yrs by that time.

It took almost another year to be totally free of Cowboy. She was almost killed in a car wreck the day he signed the papers, he was driving. The pain did some really weird things to her, she took a paid leave of absence from work, she got clean/sober, she worked the Program, she went to meetings, & she decided to change careers. She attended a school that trained for airline jobs. She was voted most inspirational by her class & asked to give the commencement address-such an honor! She was hired by an airline & moved to the Bay Area. She was on her own for the first time in her life. She was 43 yrs old.

************to be continued**************

Part Tres-- Cowboy

NOTE: This part of my story will be the hardest to tell. The years before Cowboy were , as I look back, all leading up to this period of my life. The years I spent with Cowboy were growth years of a portion I could have never imagined. All the men in my life including my father were just stepping stones leading to this man. He embodied parts of all of them-the parts I had been desperately trying to reach. In him I looked for & found much of the acknowledgment I had craved from them. Finding that entailed a very heavy cost. It also entailed great rewards. Cowboy was, as you will see, the great love of my life. You will probably also find that he is still that. He was also the worst part of my life. The most painful of my relationships. Through him I learned so much about myself-the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, the forlorn. I learned just exactly that of which I am capable both in my darkest moments & in my brightest. If I saw him tomorrow I am afraid I just might fall under the spell again for he is never far from my thoughts. I have been on the run from him for 15 yrs-I have put thousands of miles between us & changed my name. I keep an unlisted phone number. I am careful, always watching over my shoulder & at least once a year I do an internet search for him so that I know exactly where he is residing.

I have gotten over, gotten past, gotten through with everyone else in my past (including someone that I thought I would never give up-that will be another part of my story & one that my dear heart-sister Butterflies knows well) but with Cowboy while the chapter is closed I am hoping that with this writing the story will also be finished. At least in this life.
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She meet him through mutual friends one night in a small bar listening to Country Music in her hometown. The town where she & Bubba Bear had fled. She was working, settling in, & running into friends from high school. It was new friends who introduced them. She asked who he was & he just happened to work with the new friends. He had dark almost black curly hair, piercing blue eyes, & a well-trimmed beard & mustache. He was about 6 ft. with dimples & a cleft chin. Looked alot like Warren Beatty. Beautiful deep voice & beautiful manners. They danced, they talked. He called & they went out a few times. He had been seeing someone else & Waitress Woman was one of those "trashy" women. Just a bit on the rough side. Waitress Woman did not take kindly to him seeing someone else. So that was a problem for awhile. In the end, after commenting many times that he had never met anyone like OK Farmgirl & seeking reassurances the she would never change, they became a couple. He promised her that no one would ever hurt her again. He was good with Bubba Bear, he was twice divorced with a daughter & son he never saw. The son was just a baby & the daughter a few years older than Bubba Bear. This set off some alarms in her head, but she brushed them aside. After all the grim picture he painted of his exes she could understand. She had ex problems herself. So instead of checking out the alarms she felt sorry for him & vowed to make his life better.

Cowboy was sexy, sensual, & showed her things about herself she had never known. It was intoxicating. He had a colorful past that unfolded a little at a time. Sometimes through the stories he told her, sometimes through his friends who had come to OK with him to sell land, & sometimes through his actions.

Land sales in that part of OK dried up, the tracts were all sold. There was a project opening up in Utah on the Nevada border. A resort where the Hollywood stars of the 40's used to go. It was an "opportunity" & he was going. He asked her to go with him. She really did not want to be in OK so she said she would go. He made it perfectly clear that he loved her but would never marry her. She did wear a wedding ring he had given her, she used his last name-at his insistance, even got her drivers license & all id changed. A very nice lady at DMV noticed them all lovey dovey in line & kindly changed the name without a marriage license. Watching a couple in love will do that to some people.

So they packed up all her stuff & headed to Nevada where they would live. They lived in a small farming community that was predominatly inhabited by polygamists. Everyone else in the town worked at the truckstop/casino. Well, to make a long story short, the land deal fell through & they ran out of money. Cowboy became quite depressed. He went back to his former occupation--professional gambler. He was a Texas Holdem player & had made his living that way for several years in WA State. He had been holding illegal gin games & dealing a little pot in OK to supplement his income as well as detailing & selling cars. So he went back to the card rooms in Vegas.

Still gambling was not a steady income & they had bills to pay. Cowboy thought she would be really good at being a cocktail waitress. This was a pretty weird career change for a very naive girl from OK. But to the casino she went & a cocktail waitress she became. It was so hard at first. But the money was very good. So she cocktailed, learned to tend bar, & he played cards. Then he lost the Christmas money. She was so upset. Christmas was late that year. Then Cowboy decided Vegas was where they should be. Better opportunities, closer to the action. So off they went to Vegas.

Once again, the money ran out. She didn't even have the money to bake Bubba Bear a birthday cake. But he did get a Hostess Cupcake with a candle. It sucked! She was such a failure.

The day they moved to Vegas one of Cowboy's buddies from WA won the World Series of Poker at Binyons. That just about did Cowboy in. He just knew he was a better player. He didn't celebrate his friend's win, he became bitter.

She beat the streets for days looking for a job. She was told so many times she was not the "Vegas" type. But she kept looking 'cause she had a child to support. Many times she thought about packing it in & going back home, but she just could not stomach the failure of it all. She just could not go home & have her family tell her I told you so. So she stayed, she found a job, she eventually became the Director of Food & Beverage at a small local hotel. She began to drink fairly frequently. She wrote her own past as she wished it had been. Everyone thought she & Cowboy had been married for many years & that he was Bubba Bear's dad. She never told anyone about her family in OK. She invented a person who could live the life she was living. Then she was introduced to Meth. It, along with pot & tequila, took the edge off. The noise in her head stopped. She was someone else. That person was the Evil Twin & she did not like her. For several years she & ET struggled for power. Then one day something so minor set Cowboy off. Oh, he had always yelled & been verbally abusive to her (her dad did that stuff so what the hell). Then he slapped her. He was immediately apologetic. Sorry, never happen again, ya da ya da. The next time he shoved her & she landed on the small of her back on the solid wood frame of a waterbed. For a moment she could not move. Again, sorry! The drinking & the drugs took over her reality. Cowboy used more than her, but she was catching up fast. She became ET. ET was in charge. ET was a trashy woman. She dressed trashy, she talked trashy. Then OK Farmgirl tried to get control. She stopped everything. Cowboy's temper got worse, he was depressed, he just quit living. He was an ex-boxer who had always been in shape, but he balooned up to over 200 lbs. Cowboy got even nastier. When he was good he was very good, but when he was bad he was worse. Nothing she did was right, she did not make enough money, she did not appreciate him. Just on & on.

Then her dad died. She made it back to OK to see him-she was the last person he spoke to . She went back to Vegas & he died several days later after being taken off life support (that is all another story). She did not go to his funeral. She was just so mad that he died before she got to say all that she needed to say. Cowboy began cutting her off from her family more & more. She & her brother had had an argument at the hospital about her being there so she stopped talking to him for many years-funny thing was he never noticed.


They had been together for 3 yrs when he asked her to marry him. She should have run, but she did not have the confidence that she could take care of herself & Bubba Bear. Geez, what did she think she had been doing?? She was supporting 3 people by herself. But she was thrilled, after all she could never figure out why he had ever wanted her. Even her mother asked "How did you get someone like him?" when she first met him (Mom was very superficial, had always been a beauty - it is very hard when you perceive yourself to be the plain daughter of a beautiful woman). So she cried tears of gratitude & said yes. They got married in Vegas, just the two of them. Things got so very much worse once she said I do. She should have realized how it was going to be when he took the money she was saving to buy him a wedding ring & spent on buying silver coins as an investment (never saw any profit from those).

Then came the days when he was losing so very badly on the tables, things were going from bad to worse. He finally confessed, when she noted that he had never had a bad streak for so long, that he was actually winning on the tables then putting it all in a poker machine that he just knew he could beat. Hello! you don't have to live in Vegas long to know those casinos are not built on winners. BTW, she did not gamble. She worked too hard for the money to risk it.

That was when she said it was over. Seven yrs into the relationship, & while it broke her heart, she consulted with an attorney. She did not mention the abuse (her friends were starting to comment on how afraid of Cowboy she seemed). One friend, an ex-LA policeman, asked Cowboy if he wanted to go out target shooting. It seemed so innocent but for some reason she got a really bad vibe off this. She told Cowboy not to go. Who knows how that might have turned out. She had known Cops, Mafia, gun runners, bikers, bounty hunters, dealers, etc to date, but she knew this ex-Cop liked her & that he was just a little bit crazy (had been shot by a gang member in LA, got drummed off the force on a psyc & was on the run even though the guy was in prison-he carried A LOT of guns in his car). She was not about to take a chance of having a killing on her conscience. The attorney got the papers ready to file.

Cowboy decided he just could not face Vegas anymore, it was killing him there, he said he knew he was in deep trouble, so he contacted his best friend in Portland. BFF told Cowboy to come back to OR & get his head straight. She put him on a plane & promptly paniced. What would she & Bubba Bear do in Vegas alone. How would this work out?? Two days later she quit her job, packed up Bubba Bear & drove straight through to Portland only stopping for gas.



**************to be continued******************



Blessed be...

Part 2 --- San Antonio 1980

The saga continues....


The divorce was final, she had a new job, Bubba Bear (her son who hates that name BTW LOL) was in Christian Pre-School. She was learning to pay bills, the house payment, & the other stuff. Life was not easy. Money was tight. She fed her son, but not herself. Her weight dropped to 90 lbs. She made new friends. Ex took Bubba Bear every Wed. night & every other weekend. She was so lonely without that little guy. Then the new friends starting asking her to go out dancing & such on those nights. So out she went. She found that drinking stopped the noise in her head & she no longer felt shy or out of place. She loved to dance. She started to date. She dated more in one month than she had in her whole life before marriage. Enter "Party Girl" aka San Antonio Cowgirl who looked alot like Debra Winger in Urban Cowboy. She did a mean two-step. She was living like an 18 yr old 'cause she had never been an 18 yr old. She ran fast with a fast crowd, but only when Bubba Bear was with his dad. No dates were allowed to pick her up at her house. She always met them & came home on her own. Then she met a man who was a decendent of Pancho Villa. He became her addiction. While he was not much of a drinker, he did love to toke. He was separated when they met & it was much later that she discovered he was actually married. They were inseparable. She had never met anyone like him before & fell head over heels in love. She was the candy on his arm-tall, very thin, modeling for a local store, long hair down her back, always in tight jeans, boots or dressed to the 9's in 4" heels. She towered over him but he did not care. They went everywhere. Took their kids on outings. They planned to marry. This went on for 2 yrs. Then The Abuction happened.

Ex (who had remarried 6 months after the divorce) had moved out of TX for his job & came to town one day. Stopped by the house. Asked to take Bubba Bear home with him for a week. She allowed it even though it was outside the parameters of visitation-she was a nice guy, knew Bubba Bear missed his daddy. As soon as the car turned the corner she KNEW...knew he was not going to bring Bubba Bear back. She just knew. The pain was overwhelming. Her attorney thought she was nuts. Her friends thought she was nuts. She was not nuts. She was right. Ex called the night before he was scheduled to bring Bubba Bear home, "No need to be at the airport" "I'm not bringing him back" "Two of your friends (the best ones or so she thought) went to court-helped me get custody" "Just forget it & don't try to get him back". She was devastated. Couldn't call her friends. Who could be trusted. One was still true. She spent the night with them after a quick phone call to her parents. They were there the next day packed up her stuff & took it to OK in a U-Haul because she had already sold the house. Her attorney found out that it had all been done very hush hush with lots of lies & no notification. All her records were missing from the courthouse. The judge got very PO'd at how he was played by Ex's attorney, about the missing records, & immediately issued a court order to bring Bubba Bear back to her. She flew to Houston, met her private investigator, flew to Louisiana. They found the daycare, they found Bubba Bear, Wolf (the investigator) promised she would leave LA with her son---she did!! They flew straight to OK, never returned to TX. 3 days later Ex called to ask her mom if she had Bubba Bear. Mom said"I thought you had him" (Good move Mom!!!). She did have to go back to TX one time to meet with the judge & Ex (she left Bubba Bear in OK). The judge had done a complete investigation, talked to everyone, & determined that she was a very good mother, Bubba Bear was safe, well cared for, & happy with his Mommy. She got full custody. Ex was admonished for his act & was told her life was no longer any of his business. When she got back to OK , Bubba Bear would not leave her for a moment, had to sleep with her for quite sometime, would have bad dreams, but he was home & would stay there.


No one had ever thought she was a strong person. But she had proved them all so very wrong. Ex thought she would just lay down, cry, & give up. How wrong he was. Bubba Bear was her life. She fought for her life because she knew she was right, she knew she had to prove he lied about her, she knew Bubba Bear was better off with her. She was strong & she was a fighter, she could get things done, she was self-reliant---The Abduction taught her this & it changed who she was forever. Gone was the naive little Okie girl who trusted everyone. Gone was the belief that these things happen to other people. No, girl, you are the other people. Life was no longer quite so safe, so "normal". She began looking over her shoulder alot. She began looking for someone to keep her safe.


All ties to TX were broken. She was moving on to the next phase, the next re-invention of herself & her life.

Enter Cowboy...


***********to be continued***********



Blessed be...

Reinvention Part 1

Once upon a time there was a smalltown girl in a small OK farming community. Raised by two people who never told their secrets to each other. Consequently, an air of something that was not understandable to children hovered in the house where she grew up. Something that was paltable but never spoken. A silent mother, a father who spent more time away than home, anger always just below the surface & when he was home it was best to be invisible. A little girl who one day went into a shell that hid her away for many years because she was so good at being invisible-a ghost of a person observing life but not really knowing how to participate in living. A good student, well liked by teachers, teased by classmates for being different. Different because she was not allowed to do so much that others were. Different because she had to be "perfect" - an image that was so important to her mother. Different because her interests were very unlike those of her classmates. A couple of good friends, but she never shared all the "real" stuff with them either. Too afraid of being seen as less than perfect, too afraid that who she really was would be ridiculed. So for a very long time she never acknowledged her true authentic self. She worked very hard to be who she was supposed to be. No one really knew her. She was a shape-shifter, not in the true sense, but changing to fit whoever was the center of her life at any given time. But soon, very soon the imagined was going to come face to face with the authentic. And thus began the Journey toward authenticity, truth, self-love, & a true sense of self. She was about to butt up against herself, that Spirit who had come to learn important lessons.

It began in college when she had the courage to not be in favor of the Viet Nam War, but she married a Vet with PTSD who thought she was the person her mother wanted her to be. He somehow missed the emerging hippie chick. Oh he saw the long hair, the jeans, the fatigue jacket, but he did not see her. He saw what he needed to see.

And so when they married, they didn't tell each other their secrets either. They began to live a life together that was colored by his birth family experience & her birth family experience. No one argued, no one complained, no one talked about their dreams, aspirations, or expectations. He started living his life & she gave up her dreams. She became the perfect "Corporate Wife". Two regularly hosted parties each year for his employees. An annual Christmas party for which she made every piece of food on the buffet. Nothing was "store-bought", it was all homemade just like her mother would have done. The house was perfectly decorated. Then there was the annual summer cookout in their backyard. Again, she did all the food. Organized it all by herself. He always got compliments on those parties. They were the "Golden Couple", the "Perfect Couple". They were on their way up the corporate ladder. Unfortunately, the wives were threatened by her. She had an education, worked in the oil/gas business & enjoyed talking business with the husbands. Wrong move. The wives complained to her husband & he told her to fit in. He also told her to quit wearing the jeans & Boots to get togethers.

The one dream she would not give up was to be a Mom. She wanted children. When their son was born after 4 yrs of marriage she found out that while he loved his son, he did not want children--tried to have a vasectomy behind her back. Had to confess this when the doctor needed her permission. That was a crumble in a marriage that had no foundation. He did not want to be a Dad. He wanted to be a playmate, a friend. He wanted to hang with his friends, play tennis all weekend. They did not share the same beliefs. He was an agnostic, she a Believer. To him, she (as a stay at home Mom) became a bore, uninteresting, a drudge. But she loved being a Mom to her beautiful little boy-something at which she really wanted to succeed. Trouble was she didn't know how to be a Mom. But for several years she was very good at it. Her little boy was the love of her life, her reason to stay around. He was the only success she was experiencing.

Then she discovered the girlfriend. Someone who worked for him, someone who went on his business trips. That was the final crumble. The whole thing collasped. She was just too insecure, too unsure of herself to survive that insult. Divorce was better than the betrayal. A betrayal that he said she was imagining. Her family was appalled! His family was appalled! Her friends didn't understand. He didn't understand why she just couldn't forgive & forget.


She was in uncharted territory. She had one serious boyfriend before him & had dated very little in high school. They had dated, became engaged, & married while in college. He was her first & only. Now what was she supposed to do????



..........to be continued...........



Blessed be...

Erin Go Bragh

An Old Irish Prayer

Give us, Lord, a bit o sun

A bit o work and a bit o fun

Give us in all the struggle and sputter

Our daily bread and a bit o butter

Give us health our keep to make

And a bit to spare for other's sake

Give us, too, a bit of song

And a tale and a book to help us along

Give us, Lord, a chance to be Our goodly best, brave, wise and free------

Our goodly best for ourselves and others

Till all men learn to live as brothers

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In honor of my Irish heritage: My Family's Coat of Arms & the Irish spelling of my last name

Arms:

Argent a holly tree eradicated proper, on a chief Azure a lion passant between two trefoils slipt OR.

Crest:

A lion's head erased Azure collared gemelles Or.

Motto:

fortis et egregious [Brave and distinguished].

This coat of arms was officially granted in 1662, but is probably much older than that.

Today my family can be found in almost every county in Ireland but they are still most numerous around Carlow, Kilkenny, Cork and Leix.

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What shall I say about the Irish?

The utterly impractical, never predictable,

Something irascible, quite inexplicable, Irish.

Strange blend of shyness, pride and conceit

And stubborn refusal to bow in defeat.

He's spoiling and ready to argue and fight,

Yet the smile of a child fills his soul with delight.

His eyes are the quickest to well up in tears,

Yet his strength is the strongest to banish your fears.

His faith is as fierce as his devotion is grand

And there's no middle ground on which he will stand.

He's wild and he's gentle, he's good and he's bad,

He's proud and he's humble, he's happy and sad.

He's in love with the ocean, the earth and the skies,

He's enamored with beauty wherever it lies.

He's victor and victim, a star and a clod,

But mostly he's Irish and in love with his God.

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May the luck if the Irish be with you today & everyday. May you find you own "pot of gold" at the end of your personal rainbow. May your life hold more sunshine than rain. And, May love fill your heart alway & forever.

Blessed be...

Paris on Saturday

It was a rainy, overcast Saturday so Sparky & I decided to go to Paris.

No, not in France!! (I WISH)

Paris, TX

Didn't have any real reason, just felt like a road trip. So, I drove over to his house (an hour away) & we took off for Paris. We laughed about going to Paris for the day several times. We had a very nice day. Went to a very high-end furniture store that is going out of business & window shopped. They had some Civil War paintings I really liked, but no one wants to buy my first & only born so I was SOL. LOL! The merchandise was still very expensive even marked way down. But it was fun to look & we saw some very unique pieces. There was an $18,000 side board that I liked. Ah, the plight of a poor Okie girl with a Dom P. appetite.

Ate dinner at Shogun in Paris (Japense hibachi) & along with hibachi we had one of our favorites, sushi. Then we took a different route back to OK. Just took our time & took in the scenery. Stopped at a catfish restaurant for supper that we like just over the dam on the OK side of Lake Texhoma. Good fish- best bone-in catfish I have had in a long time. The fries & hushpuppies were "commercial" but the fish made it all worthwhile. Then it was back on the road to Sparky's place. We watched a little TV then I headed back to my house. It was a very pleasant laid back kinda day. Just nice to cruise in the 'Vette, talk, laugh, & sing along with the radio.

Life is good!!

Blessed be...

Me & my Boys

These are my furbabies:

From left to right

1. Lobo, whose official AKC name is Murray's Outlaw Jesse Lobo. He is named Lobo in honor of my Totem (Outlaw after his Dad & Jesse after his Mom) & I have had him since he was 7 wks old (he is now almost 4 1/2 yrs). He is a Miniature Schnauzer & I got him from a police officer friend who served with my brother. She breeds Mini Schnauzers & I was over at her house shortly after Lobo's litter was born. I fell in love with the puppies & I put a hold on one. When I went to pick up my puppy this other little bundle of joy kept hopping up to get my attention. When I picked him up & held him I looked at Kathy & said "This is the one". Lobo picked me & he was just the right furbaby for me. Lobo is the perpetual puppy (I think he has the Peter Pan syndrome - I'll never grow up), always running & playing. Can find his favorite toy no matter where I put it. It's funny to hear him digging through the toybox. He sleeps curled up against my stomach every night & has since the first night I brought him home.
2. Zane, who is lovingly known as Bubba Zane, Little Man, Zaney Dog, & most recently dubbed by Sparky as Zane the Magnificent because his bandana from the doggy salon was a little large & kept going backward over his back & looked very much like a cape, especially when he was running. Zane is a schnauzer/corgi mix (Schnorgi as I like to say) that I adopted from Fido Knows in Chandler. He will be 5 yrs old next month. I have had him just over 3 yrs. He is my little clown! Zane bounces everywhere & has both a Schnauzer & a Corgi personality. He thinks herding Lobo around the house is the best fun. When I win the lottery I am buying him a herd of miniature goats so he can herd to his little heart's content. He sleeps curled beside me or on my feet each night.
3. Scrappy is also a Miniature Schnauzer. He was officially named Scrappy Doobie by me when I adopted him from Pet Angels in OKC (they had named him Scrappy which fits him perfectly). He was found as a stray & was on death row at the animal shelter when the rescue group was called & told there was a Schnauzer about to be put down. Scrappy has told me that he finds the name "animal shelter" to be a joke as he did not feel very sheltered. He just turned 5 yrs old this month & I have had him 4 yrs. Scrappy saved me from a pitbull attack. He is a very brave little dog, totally devoted to him Mommy. He knows when I am sad, sick, or just down. Scrappy is a snuggler who sleeps on a pillow right beside me. Scrappy has a very old soul - you can see it in his eyes. He never leaves my side when we are home, loves to ride in the car, & is totally fascinated by cows.

*********************************************

Well, I guess it is easy to tell I am a dog person & totally gaga over the Pupsters. My little boys are a constant joy. They love me unconditionally & are always so glad to see me. Doesn't matter if I am gone 4 hrs or 4 minutes the greeting is always the same. They wiggle all over & just have to give me kisses & get lots of pets. My furbabies have consoled me during moments of great sadness, made me feel better when I was sick, provided wonderful companionship, forced me to get up, get moving when I would have rather wallowed in my mood. The Boys always come first in their needs. I look out for them first, me second. They remind me to have a servant spirit. They are with me right now, hanging out on the bed in the spare room where the computer lives. Sometimes one of them sits on my lap while I type, sometimes they just come over for a quick pat on the head. The Boys keep me active, they keep me laughing, they give me perspective on Life because they live totally in the moment. They are a gift. They are an example of complete trust, love, acceptance, & boundless joy. They remind me to stay in the moment, to be present, to be accepting, to love unconditionally & with great abandon. I can truly be myself, completely real with no fear of rejection. The Boys teach me how to live fully every minute of every day.

Lobo, Scrappy, & Zane -- Mommy loves you!! I wouldn't be me without you three. You have each brought a joy to me that I did not know existed. You have healed my wounded heart just by bringing your own individual personalities into my life. You are separate, but you have completed a circle in my life. You have made me a better human because of who you think I am. I think that is the purpose of each of your Spirits' Journeys. I see the light of your souls shining through your eyes. I hear your voices in my Spirit. In this house, the four-leggeds & the two-legged are one living in harmony.

Blessed be...

ROAD KILL IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR

I heard this phrase last night from Hoda on the Today Show, & I thought how thought provoking. I don't know about anyone else but I certainly have Road Kill in my personal rearview mirror. I got to thinking about my Journey & my trip so far - especially what I see in my rearview mirror. Life is certainly a highway with many twists & turns along the way, roadblocks, detours, good roads, bad roads, near misses, crashes, & unfortunately, road kill.

So last night I drove along my own Life's Highway looking in my rearview mirror every so often. Yep, definately ROAD KILL. Some of it is pieces of myself I have left behind, the evil "twin" that I have finally killed off just like road kill left by the side of the road. Then there are the years where I really wasn't very present, not in my life &, sadly, not in my son's. Oh I was there physically, but I just wasn't THERE (thank Great Spirit that we have put that behind us & moved forward as Mother & Son). A drinking & drugging lifestyle will do that to you. So, more road kill in my rearview mirror. Then there are the failed marriages, some fault mine some fault theirs-no failed relationship is ever all one person's fault no matter what is happening. My second marriage was very abusive, but I stayed...I stayed way too long. I almost died there- spiritually & physically. Then I would have been road kill in Cowboy's rearview mirror. Some of the road kill I saw were missed opportunities.

Yep, the road has been rough at times. Many times I hit what was in the road, but many times I swerved & missed it. I have dodged the bullet so many times-times when I should have died but didn't. I have always known that at those times it was not my time to die that Great Spirit had a plan for me, more work I needed to do, & that my Journey was not yet over.

I have come out the end of a very dark tunnel. The Light is all around me now. I am in touch & more enlightened every day. I am peaceful. I thought the other day that I wake up in the mornings & while I do not have this wild feeling of overwhelming joy (that is a bit manic when you experience it) & energy I do feel peace, contentment, & I am ready to face the day whatever it may bring. Depression is now road kill in my rearview mirror. The road ahead is bright, inviting, exciting, & full of promise of a lovely Journey to a place where I will live in harmony with myself, Great Spirit, & my surroundings. I am truly enjoying the Ride.

Blessed be...

The Journey is easier yet again...

When I left the University where I had worked for several years I was told by the Personnel Director that I was not yet vested in the Teacher Retirement System & that the money I had there would not continue to earn interest. Today I called Teacher Retirement to find out how much is in my account & how I should go about taking the money out to re-invest. I was surprised by the amount.


Then.... Surprise, Surprise!! I am FULLY vested & the money is earning 4%. I have OK Teacher Retirement.
WAAA WHOOOO!!!

So, once more the Journey has become easier. Thanks to Great Spirit!!!

I am anxiously anticipating the next bit of clarity.



Blessed be...

Spring Time

It's not Spring yet, but I am seeing signs that a new Season will soon arrive in OK. Trees are beginning to bud & some to flower, daffodills are blooming in many yards, grass is starting to look more green. I like Spring. It offers the promise of new life, rebirth. That which has been dormant will once more spring to life. Much like ourselves when we have been in some sort of holding pattern-mentally, emotionally, professionally, or personally.


I think I have been waiting to exhale, so to speak, for quite some time. My brother had cancer, he got sicker, he was terminal, I took care of him, he died, & I had no idea how to live my life. For a solid year I just existed. Then I started living again very, very slowly. After 4 yrs & 4 months I am still figuring it out.


Then I was engaged to my first love. We got back in touch after so many years. I traveled to Seattle or he traveled to OK every three months. We were planning to start our life together after my brother died. Then when it came down to setting a final date, he balked. Didn't want to move to OK. I just couldn't move to Seattle at that time. He lives off a trust fund (that is running out BTW) & I was worried about the job market. So after much soul searching, I broke off the engagement. When that happened Sparky came back into my life (we have been back together now for 3 yrs-we were together for almost 3 yrs the first time & then apart for 3 yrs). At the end of the year I broke off all communications with the guy in Seattle because the conversations were leaving me in such a negative place-a place I just did not want to be.


I was out of work for 6 weeks this past summer (the company closed due to the recession). I have a good paying job now, but it does not challenge me. In fact I am quite bored. So I continue to look for another job. I know the right one will come along if I am just patient.


I am finally coming back into my own life. I like hanging out with Sparky but I do not want to be married to him. He is a great friend & takes very good care of me. We enjoy spending time together, we grew up together, our parents hung out together when we were kids, we know the same people, we have alot of the same memories of childhood, we went to the same school & knew/know the same people. He discusses his business decisions (he is an electrical contractor) with me. My furbabies love him. OMG!! I just had such an epiphany writing this--Sparky fills the void left by my brother in that we share a history from childhood. I have no other connection to my childhood as my brother was my only sibling. Sparky is an only child so I guess we fill the same void for each other. OMG what an Ah Hah moment.

NOTE: Sulustu, this really ties in with the message you gave me. The Journey in this relationship will become much easier now. I feel very peaceful, suddenly, in this part of my life. I know that the other situations will begin to reveal themselves now, too. The clarity will come in its appropriate time. Thanks!!


I suddenly feel very ready for Spring, for a rebirth & reawakening. I am ready to reconnect completely with myself, my Guides, my Totem, my Purpose. This Season should be enlightening & interesting. I feel ready to emerge from the cocoon in which I have wrapped myself. I am ready to live fully, experiencing Life completely.



"dance as though no one is watching,
love as though you have never been hurt,
sing as though no one is listening,
LIVE AS THOUGH HEAVEN IS ON EARTH"






Blessed be...

Hunger

"There is more hunger for love and
appreciation in this world than for bread."
- Mother Teresa
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I have found this to be so true in my own life. While I have never been belly swelling hungry, I have hungered for love & appreciation. Mostly from my birth family. I always think of the line from On Golden Pond where Jane Fonda's character says "I didn't think we were mad at each other, I just didn't think we liked each other very much". That is exactly the way I felt about my Dad. Didn't have a relationship even though my parents were married 35 yrs until my Daddy died. He was just a person who lived in the house & I spent most of my time being invisable so my parents wouldn't notice me. I was a very good student, never got in trouble, followed the rules, teachers loved me, & I never rocked the boat at home. The one or two times that I did were disasterous. So, two weeks after I graduated from high school I started college. I only came home when there was no other option & I married the first guy who asked. Then I began the search for his love & appreciation. Whatever he gave me was never enough because my own personal well was so dry. It took many years, a disasterous 2nd marriage, & much therapy to find out how to love myself. I have learned to nurture the little girl who had such hunger. She is peaceful now & so am I.





Blessed be...

Beliefs

I Believe..
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . .
And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, It doesn't mean they do love each other.


I Believe...

That we don't have to change friends if We understand that friends change.


I Believe....

That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you MUST forgive them for that.


I Believe...

That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.

I Believe.....

That you can do something in an instant That will give you heartache for life.



I Believe...

That you should always leave loved ones with Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.



I Believe....

That you can keep going long after you think you can't.



I Believe...

That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.



I Believe....

That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.



I Believe....

That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.



I Believe...

That sometimes when I'm angry,
I have the right to be angry, But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.



I Believe....

That maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had And what you've learned from them
and less to do with
how many birthdays you've celebrated.



I Believe....

That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.



I Believe...

That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.



I Believe....

That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are, But, we are responsible for who we become.



I Believe...

That you shouldn't be so eager to find Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.



I Believe....

Two people can look at the exact same Thing and see something totally different.



I Believe...

That your life can be changed in a matter of Hours by people who don't even know you.



I Believe...

That even when you think you have no more to give,
when A friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.



I Believe...

That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.



I Believe...

That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.



'The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything.


Thank you God for all the wonderful people who have helped
me throughout my journey of life.

****************************************************

Thanks to my dear friend, Amy for sending me this today. It resonated in my Spirit!!

Blessed be...

Friday the 13th

13 Facts About Friday the 13th

LiveScience StaffLiveScience.com


If you fear Friday the 13th, then batten down the hatches. This week's unlucky day is the first of three this year.

The next Friday the 13th comes in March, followed by Nov. 13. Such a triple whammy comes around only every 11 years, said Thomas Fernsler, a math specialist at the University of Delaware who has studied the number 13 for more than 20 years.


By the numbers
Here are 13 more facts about the infamous day, courtesy of Fernsler and some of our own research:

1. The British Navy built a ship named Friday the 13th. On its maiden voyage, the vessel left dock on a Friday the 13th, and was never heard from again.

2. The ill-fated Apollo 13 launched at 13:13 CST on Apr. 11, 1970. The sum of the date's digits (4-11-70) is 13 (as in 4+1+1+7+0 = 13). And the explosion that crippled the spacecraft occurred on April 13 (not a Friday). The crew did make it back to Earth safely, however.

3. Many hospitals have no room 13, while some tall buildings skip the 13th floor.

4. Fear of Friday the 13th - one of the most popular myths in science - is called paraskavedekatriaphobia as well as friggatriskaidekaphobia. Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the number 13.

5. Quarterback Dan Marino wore No. 13 throughout his career with the Miami Dolphins. Despite being a superb quarterback (some call him one of the best ever), he got to the Super Bowl just once, in 1985, and was trounced 38-16 by the San Francisco 49ers and Joe Montana (who wore No. 16 and won all four Super Bowls he played in).

6. Butch Cassidy, notorious American train and bank robber, was born on Friday, April 13, 1866.

7. Fidel Castro was born on Friday, Aug. 13, 1926.

8. President Franklin D. Roosevelt would not travel on the 13th day of any month and would never host 13 guests at a meal. Napoleon and Herbert Hoover were also triskaidekaphobic, with an abnormal fear of the number 13.

9. Superstitious diners in Paris can hire a quatorzieme, or professional 14th guest.

10. Mark Twain once was the 13th guest at a dinner party. A friend warned him not to go. "It was bad luck," Twain later told the friend. "They only had food for 12."

11. Woodrow Wilson considered 13 his lucky number, though his experience didn't support such faith. He arrived in Normandy, France on Friday, Dec. 13, 1918, for peace talks, only to return with a treaty he couldn't get Congress to sign. (The ship's crew wanted to dock the next day due to superstitions, Fernsler said.) He toured the United States to rally support for the treaty, and while traveling, suffered a near-fatal stroke.

12. The number 13 suffers from its position after 12, according to numerologists who consider the latter to be a complete number - 12 months in a year, 12 signs of the zodiac, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 labors of Hercules, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 apostles of Jesus, 12 days of Christmas and 12 eggs in a dozen.

13. The seals on the back of a dollar bill include 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 stars above the eagle's head, 13 war arrows in the eagle's claw and 13 leaves on the olive branch. So far there's been no evidence tying these long-ago design decisions to the present economic situation.

Origins of Friday the 13th

Where's all this superstition come from? Nobody knows for sure. But it may date back to Biblical times (the 13th guest at the Last Supper betrayed Jesus). By the Middle Ages, both Friday and 13 were considered bearers of bad fortune.
Meanwhile the belief that numbers are connected to life and physical things - called numerology - has a long history.
"You can trace it all the way from the followers of Pythagoras, whose maxim to describe the universe was 'all is number,'" says Mario Livio, an astrophysicist and author of "The Equation That Couldn't Be Solved" (Simon & Schuster, 2005). Thinkers who studied under the famous Greek mathematician combined numbers in different ways to explain everything around them, Livio said.
In modern times, numerology has become a type of para-science, much like the meaningless predictions of astrology, scientists say.
"People are subconsciously drawn towards specific numbers because they know that they need the experiences, attributes or lessons, associated with them, that are contained within their potential," says professional numerologist Sonia Ducie. "Numerology can 'make sense' of an individual's life (health, career, relationships, situations and issues) by recognizing which number cycle they are in, and by giving them clarity."

*********************************************************

Am I superstitious, YES!! Am I worried about Friday the 13th, NO. I do, however, have certain superstitions that I abide by without fail:

• Never, never take the broom with you when you move to a new abode (I am VERY adamant about this one).
• Never walk under a ladder-this is also a safety issue, I think, & just plain common sense
• Never open an umbrella in the house
• Always throw salt over my right shoulder if it is spilled
• Always say "Bless you" when someone sneezes
• Never send ivy to a new Mother at the hospital. If ivy is sent to the hospital, never take it home

I also carry a small medicine bag (cannot disclose the contents--bad luck) that holds my "charms".

Yes, I am a paradox. I know this--a modern day woman with superstitions & who practices many "old" ways. I light candles & incense, I set up alters, I believe in Spirits, Guides from the Other Side, Demons (I have seen them), Ghosts (I've seen these, too), & I have the Gift of Second Sight (ESP) sometimes I just "know" things, & I honor those feelings. I only get into trouble when I do not listen to my intuition. Just this week I was offered a job that sounded very good & seemed to be perfect for me for many reasons, but something felt hinky so I turned it down.

I hope your Friday the 13th is a blessed, happy, fulfilling, & joyful day filled with sunshine & laughter.

Blessed be...

Tornado

As most everyone knows, Lone Grove OK was devastated by a tornado last night. 8 confirmed dead, 30-40 still unaccounted for right now with another 50 or so going to the hospital with injuries. We had warning, the sirens blew but my part of OK has received the first storm of the season. I do not live in Lone Grove, but I am as we say in OK within spitting distance. Got a lot of high wind & rain at my house after the tornado passed. I could see the wall cloud from my porch when the lightening lit up the sky. I was on the phone with Sparky when the sirens went off so I got leashes on the furkids & hit my safe spot. Lost the phone (land line) for just a few minutes never lost electricity or cell phone & the biggest shock my Dish never went out so I had weather coverage til I went to bed. I called my son in Missouri to tell him I was safe & he had seen the coverage there. The Today Show had coverage, the Weather Channel is in town. Edmond also had a tornado yesterday afternoon, but no deaths--Thank God!!!


So, just wanted my Tribe to know that while it was close I am safe. Please pray for all those who are not, for those who lost their homes, for those who lost their loved ones. If you can help in other ways please contact the Red Cross.



Blessed be...

Wish I was here...

Wish I was lying in this hammock sipping a cool one.

Wish I was in Key West--checked prices. Couldn't afford it if it was Free LOL!!

Wish I could make a living as a beach bum.

Wish I was in the sun, meditating, figuring out how to make a living without working so blasted hard.

Wish I was on the beach!!! I am missing the beach, the sun, the laidback existence.

All is good, I just miss the BEACH!!!








Blessed be....

LOL

Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello ya'll got Walmarts, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

STOP LAUGHING!

You just can't fix stupid!!!

*******************************************************

Thanks to my friend Amy for today's laugh!!

Blessed be...

One Tin Soldier

One Tin Soldier

(The Legend of Billy Jack)
by Lambert-Potter, sung by Coven

Listen, children, to a story

That was written long ago,

'Bout a kingdom on a mountain

And the valley-folk below.

On the mountain was a treasure

Buried deep beneath the stone,

And the valley-people swore

They'd have it for their very own.

Go ahead and hate your neighbor,

Go ahead and cheat a friend.

Do it in the name of Heaven,

You can justify it in the end.

There won't be any trumpets blowing

Come the judgement day,

On the bloody morning after....One tin soldier rides away.

So the people of the valley

Sent a message up the hill,

Asking for the buried treasure,

Tons of gold for which they'd kill.

Came an answer from the kingdom,

"With our brothers we will share

All the secrets of our mountain,

All the riches buried there.

"Go ahead and hate your neighbor,

Go ahead and cheat a friend.

Do it in the name of Heaven,

You can justify it in the end.

There won't be any trumpets blowing

Come the judgement day,

On the bloody morning after....One tin soldier rides away.

Now the valley cried with anger,

"Mount your horses! Draw your sword!"

And they killed the mountain-people,

So they won their just reward.

Now they stood beside the treasure,

On the mountain, dark and red.

Turned the stone and looked beneath it...

"Peace on Earth" was all it said.

Go ahead and hate your neighbor,

Go ahead and cheat a friend.

Do it in the name of Heaven,

You can justify it in the end.

There won't be any trumpets blowing

Come the judgement day,

On the bloody morning after....One tin soldier rides away.

******************************************************

I heard this song over the weekend &, as it did "back in the day", I was moved to wondering "Why??"

Blessed be...

**********************************************************

Guess I should clarify the "Why?" Why can't we just get along? Why can't everyone be accepting of each other? Why can't we share? Share our treasures, share our resources, share everything. Why did the Europeans have to conquer rather than learning to co-exist with the Tribes? Fear, it is always out of fear. Fear of that which is not understood, that which is different.

So much has been done in the name of "right" , the name of religion. As my brother told a minister who visited him when he was dying, after asking if Dave knew Jesus (he sure as hell DID!!) & saying Dave needed to be in church on Sunday, "Why would I want to seat on a pew next to someone who claims to be so righteous on Sunday then f...s his neighbor's wife & cheats his customers during the week??" So, as far as I am concerned there is no way to justify that behavior. No way at all. You have to live honorably. Sunday religion is no religion at all.

Anyway, I love this song. It speaks to my Spirit & to what I believe.

One tin soldier rides away...

Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou is my favorite poet. I find inspiration, peace, provoking thoughts, comfort, love, & dignity in her writings.

Don't bring negative to my door.

Today I found this in quotes from Dr. Angelou. I thought about how true this is in my life. I grew up & for the years I was married lived with "negative" in my home, my life, my waking hours, my sleep. Not because that is the person I am, but because that was the nature of the men I married( Dud #2 in particular-he was certain everyone was out to get him & lived in constant attack mode). When I struck out on my own 15 years ago, I had already begun the Journey of living a life of positivity. I do have my negative moments, but I do not allow negative to be brought to my home. I have become very adept at changing the subject when my Mom approaches with negativity on any subject because I have found it does no good with her to point out the positive aspect.

The other day Sparky complained that the water spiget on my refridgerator is "slow". I responded that yes it is but the ice drops rapidly LOL. Two days later he calls & tells me to check the connection to be sure it is turned on all the way at the tap point. I told him I would check into it but that it really didn't bother me, I just wait for whatever I am filling to fill up. He responded that he did not have that much patience (the flow is not THAT slow BTW). I just laughed & advised that I had taken the high road on patience for at least the last 10 years.

Just not worth sweating the small stuff.

I just have found that it is so much easier to be positive, know that this too shall pass, & face Life with a smile. Even when you are being crapped on which is not all that easy sometimes. But, hey this is the Road I have chosen on my Journey. I think I get to choose how I will accomplish the walk.

So......Don't bring negative to my door

Blessed be...

57 years

At 5:45pm today I will have been on this Adventure for 57 years. WOW!!

If there is one thing I have learned in those years it is that nothing stays the same. Also, just when you think you have seen it all you stumble upon the next mind-boggler. I have had many Ah Ha ! moments, disappointments, tragedies, losses, successes, joys, sadness, & love. My heart has been broken ( & not always in the relationship way) & I have wondered if I would recover. But, I have survived. I have come out the other end of the tunnel stronger, more self-assured, more confident.

Looking back, I am certainly not where or who I thought I would be. Life is not what I envisioned oh so many years ago. But, I am exactly who I am supposed to be, exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment of Time, I am having the experiences I am destined to have, my Tribe consists of just the right individuals. All of this is a part of my Journey toward self-realization & greater enlightenment. I am learning the lessons I need to learn.

The road has been rocky in spots, there has been smooth sailing sometimes, but no matter I would not have missed the ride at all. Life is a Journey not a Destination. Travel the road well with honor, integrity, honesty, love, a good sense of humor, & a belief in That which is greater than yourself.

So, to the Universe & to Great Spirit I say "THANK YOU!!!"

Blessed be...

Irritations

Today, my Daily OM reading is called "The Upside of Irritation". At first I thought, upside of irritation that just cannot be right. Then I read, then I thought. There has been an upside to every irritation in my life when I think about it. As my readers know, my debt card was compromised & charged up. YIKES!! That was an irritation to say the least. It consumed my life for days, & I felt like crap. Got more than a little depressed. Wondered what was the use...work hard someone steals it, get clean & sober your thyroid quits working & you go from 125 lbs to...well we won't go there, go through intense therapy to figure out why you are who you are & you still get depressed. What a crock!! (I had a very bad two weeks). But the debit card fiasco got settled. The bank was cooperative. I got a new debit card. My money was returned. Sparky was very attentive when he figured out I was close to a major meltdown ( & while he is a wonderful man, hand holding & showing that he is understanding is not his strong suit-he does not express his feelings--me on the other hand can be a screaming meme LOL). He offered me money to tide me over which I did not accept, I just used his gasoline card to buy a tankful to get me to work. I did not go back to my old ways to handle the crap life can dish out-14 years was just too much to flush. Oh yeah, & my sewer backed up for the second time in two weeks. It is now fixed too. I have digressed, but back to my original thoughts. Irritations teach us about ourselves, who we are & what we are made of. I am a survivor, I "fix" things, I take care of my own problems. So, from these latest irritations I have learned things do work out ok, just because your toilet backs up your life is not crap, & you can deal with all of it without going off the deep end. Another growth experience for the hippie chick.






Blessed be...