I'm baaaack!!!

Well, it has been awhile. I have been in the new house for a week now. I got all the laundry done this weekend, the spare bedroom is done, my office is done, the bathrooms are done, the living room is liveable, the kitchen was done but now I have more stuff to put away. So, I have a few more boxes to unpack, the kitchen to straighten again, put away the rest of my books (found a neat little bookcase on the curb in the neighborhood this morning & I needed another one-Yippeee!), get the dining room together & I am done. Who would have thought that after 3 times of downsizing I would still have so much STUFF?!?!?! I will post pictures of the house just as soon as I complete the unpacking. It is so nice to have the washer & dryer in the garage not to mention the joy of having an attached garage. Plus no flooded garage when it rains.




Sparky found the problem with the Yardbug (my small riding mower), broken shifter cable. That is why it was stuck in neutral. Good thing, that way we were able to ascertain that after cleaning the carborator, changing the oil, & spark plug as well as putting on a new tire it still runs after sitting for a year. We were able to check it out by finally manually shifting it via the control box into forward & I got to run around the yard a bit. We went online, ordered the part, & after the comment from Sparky, "you're probably not going to change it so might as well ship it to my house" we finalized the order & the part should be on its way to SPARKY this week. I wasn't gonna change it. Why does he think I have him in my life anyway?!?!?!?! LOL



This is the other funny thing. Sparky, in the beginning of our latest adventure together-3+ yrs ago now (9yrs off & on totally)-was not too enamoured with "the boys". Dogs LOVE him BTW. He is just one of those people that dogs think are cool. Mine puppy pounch on him continually & sit on him while we watch TV, trying to sneak in the occasional kiss not to mention hugs. Anywho...he has come to love the pupsters. He talks to them, plays with them, & evidently worries about them. Zane has been somewhat off his food since the move. Plus he has been bullying Scrappy again. We won't talk about the fact the little scum bit me a few weeks ago because I think that was as much my fault as his & he was shocked it happened too. But, I digress. Last night Sparky called & informed me that if Zane did not get back to his usual chowhound persona, I should take him to the vet 'cause he might be sick. I agreed. I just found it so cute that the Sparkman would be looking out for Zane the Magnificant (he named Zane that BTW). I think Zane is his favorite if the truth be known.




Other good news-I went to Sonic for a drink Fri night & when I came home my yard was being mowed. So I, of course, asked if they were at the wrong house. Come to find out, the Chickasaw Nation is mowing it because it is part of their program for their Senior Citizens (my landlord is Chickasaw). He told them to go ahead & continue to mow it. So, every two weeks through Sept. my yard work will be done for FREE. I am a blessed woman!! May not have my CDIB card, but the Nation is taking care of my yard. Maybe they will do so next year also.



The boys have learned to use the doggy door. Only thing is, they think it only works one-way--IN. I have to open the door to let them out. If I leave the doggy door accessable when they are out, they tend to come in then want right back out. Just like kids-in & out, in & out. So, I only open it when it is time for them to come in. They absolutely love the new backyard. It is HUGE! They have a new doggy friend behind us, Umbri, who is just about their size & looks to be a pug mix. Next door is the cutest apricot poodle (we don't know her name yet) but she likes to have fence races, too, so I don't think Lobo will miss Kiki (his former fence racing girlfriend) too much. LOL!


Thanks to the outstanding job done by the young lady I hired to clean the old house, I got my full deposit back. I figured that after paying for the cleaning, the guys who helped with the move, & renting the carpet cleaning machine I actually came out about $200 to the good. Not bad!


Well, guess that about catches everyone up on my adventure in moving (remember when that was U-hauls slogan???). My boss is on vacation this week so I just might get some posting done all week. We shall see.


blessed be...

So said my Mother...

Me & Bubba Bear

( Age 28; Age 4)

Sorry I have been so long away from the blogasphere, but I have been reflecting quite a bit as I have visited each of ya'll whose blogs I read daily. I have been thinking about many things: my life, the Journey, my son, our Journey, my demons (but I don't want to give them any power since they have been banished), my Angel Thomas, my Totem the Wolf, my blessings, my childhood that I mostly cannot remember.

I was talking to Mom the other day (we speak regularly these days), & she was relating something about one of my cousins & her mother. I won't share that story even though my cousin is not a reader of my blog & would probably never see this but I feel her story belongs to her. Suffice to see it opened a very interesting conversation with my own Mom. During the course of this conversation my Mom shared the following:

" You were a beautiful girl, you are still beautiful. And I was always so proud of you. I am so proud of you. Maybe I never said this. No, Mom you never said this to me, I said with my voice breaking & tears welling up. Well, I should have so I am telling you now. Sometimes, as parents, we think that our children know what we are thinking & how we feel. After all we feed, clothe, house you so we think you know that we love you. I should have told you then, but I want you to know you have always been beautiful & I have always been proud of you."

Thanks for telling me, Mom!

***************************************

I waited over 50 yrs to hear these words from my Mom. Hearing them changed me somehow, changed the dynamics between us somewhat. I think how big that change will be is developing. I still have some trust issues with her, but something did break loose in my heart that day. The ice melted a bit, the wall came down a few feet, the rocks started to crumble some. After I hung up the phone I immediately called a friend of over 40 yrs who knows all about the relationship between my Mom & me-has seen it firsthand. I left a long message on voicemail relating the conversation. In the return call he told me that when he heard the message he immediately saw me, age 14 (that's when we met), standing in front of my childhood home. He told me he didn't know why, but that was the image that immediately came to him. I know why, my teenage years were when the pain got so big, so intolerable. When I became so acutely insecure. Him seeing me at that age told me that my teenage self was being healed. That was important.

I have thought about how different the Journey would have been if I had grown up in a home where my parents said I love you, I am proud of you, Good job, Well done & all the other things that affirm a child's value in their world. How I have wished that had been my life! How I had wished that I had been a Daddy's Girl (my Mom told me that she knew how much I had longed for this & wished it could have been-BTW that blew me away also). But, had that been my life would I be who I am today? Would I have grown to where I am spiritually, emotionally, etc today? Would I be as enlightened as I am? Would I be striving to become more so? Would I be me? Ya know, I think the answer is No. Because if I had been raised that way I would not know the importance of those things. I would not know that people need to be authenticated by their family, their Tribe, their peers. I would not know how important it is to validate others. To say I love you to your child & to keep saying it until as Bubba Bear said to me once when he was about 10, yeah yeah I know...you Love me. I would not know how important it is to compliment others, to celebrate accomplishments. I think if I had had all that I desired in my early years, I would be someone else today. Someone who would not be so touchy feely, someone who does not greet everyone with a hug, a kiss. Someone who does not say I love you. I think I am who I am because of what I did not have what I felt I needed. It is that need that has fueled the Journey, that has given me insight, compassion, a loving nature, an outgoing outreaching personality (even though as my dearest longtime friends will tell you I am inherently very shy & ill at ease in large social gatherings). It is that need that has always been the fuel for me to have adventures, explore my roots, explore my gifts, embrace other cultures, banish prejudices, & to live in Harmony with Nature as well as Humanity.

My upbringing was a gift even though I have always looked at it as a curse. Because through what was missing, I found what was most important for me to live a truly free, healthy, enlightened, uplifting, inspired Life. I found out that I could choose my Tribe, my heart-family, & that those people would enrich, inspire, & motivate me. Those are the people who truly see me. Who truly get me. I could not have found any of you without my Journey starting as it did. The road has been rocky. Many times I have wanted to just stop. I have taken some "interesting" detours, but the road has lead to this day, to this time, to this moment of understanding. Life is truly a Journey. Let's see where the road leads!!!

blessed be...

Blast from the Past....

This is what happens when you move, you find things you did not even know you had. Such is the case with these photos. The lower one is my formal wedding portrait that was published in my hometown newspaper when Me Hijo's Dad & I got married. The upper one was just included in my wedding album. I was 20 yrs old, it was 1972. Yep, May 20, 1972 was my wedding date. 37 yrs ago. One year & three months before I graduated from college. That's right I am now 57. Who is that girl??? Was I ever that young??? For the first time, looking at these brought a smile, no bad feelings, no remorse. Just someone I used to know.


blessed be...

Angels, Enlightenment, Revelation, & my Totem..

For several days I have known I wanted to post, but nothing that I was thinking about seemed "right". This morning in checking on the blogs I read regularly I found this:

http://worldofspirit.blogspot.com/2009/06/beauty-of-angels.html



As I was reading it a name popped into my head "Thomas" spoken so audibly in my Spirit. When I was a little girl I had an imaginary friend I called Tom. He was with me all the time. I have always thought he was my Guardian Angel & today I got confirmation. Thomas! It is nice to know that he has a more formal name. That is what I shall call him from here on out. His true, formal, grown-up name--Thomas. I know now that he came to me in a form (although I cannot remember what he looked like, I do remember the essence of his presence) & with a name that I, as a child, would accept. Right now, it feels as if I turn very quickly I could catch sight of him standing behind me. But, alas, I am not fast enough to do that. But, I feel his presence. He is very close, just behind my right shoulder. I know he is here to help me, to guide me, to help me with the answers for which I am looking. It brings tears to my eyes, tears that have been just below the surface for several days now. I don't think they are from sadness or loss, but in recognition of something that I thought I could not touch again. Thomas! Every time I type his name I feel him move closer. He is tall, very tall. He is dark with light all around. His hand is on my shoulder. I want to cry, but I feel such peace. I believe, with Thomas beside me, the next phase of the Journey is about to begin.

blessed be...

---------------------------------------------

NOTE: Thanks Jen for directing me to:

http://naomimunn.blogspot.com/


I loved her post on Totems, & the one I read this morning really spoke to me. To my gift of second sight. It is time to fully emerce myself in meditation, reading, connecting with that which is unseen in my life. I know now why my Totem, my beautiful Wolf, has moved into the house. He wants to be near to guide me along with Thomas toward all that awaits me as the Enlightenment begins anew.

---------------------------

I have also been reading & thinking so much about Parallel Universes & the experience of Quantum Jumping. Many years ago I had this experience. In a semi-trance state I would experience myself in an entirely different life. Different family, etc. I would have a whole, complete life just outside this realm of existence. I found it very comforting to have a sane life that I could go to. I also experience this when the Wolf Pack comes to me in my visions. There is a cabin in the woods in which I live, there is a man who shares that life with me, & there is my beautiful Pack which never leaves my side. We have a life in that world which is peaceful & in perfect harmony with Nature & the two-leggeds. I like that life.


I believe my Wolf Totem & Thomas are coming together to help me live that life, or at least the authentic life I am meant to have on this plain of existence, in this moment. I think that is why the new house has come about (the energy is so good in that home), why I am being lead toward the people who are now in my life, why I am feeling a peaceful restlessness to move forward, & in some ways backward, toward my studies of Spiritualism, my Native heritage, & my gifts. I thank Great Spirit for this opportunity.

Namaste`

Icons-3 Generations

Death:

• The Old---Ed McMahon
• The Sick--Farrah Fawcett
• The Sudden-Michael Jackson

R.I.P

Each of these people left more memories than their Public can ever know. Those are the memories left in the hearts of those who loved them...loved the "real" person that the public will never know. Those are the people who are truly mourning, who have suffered the greatest grief. Their loss knows no boundaries, & long after the fans have moved on these individuals will continue to miss their loved ones. To them: The McMahon Family; The Fawcett-O'Neal Family; The Jackson Family my heart goes out. I know their loss & for that I grieve.

blessed be...

Happy Birthday, Me Hijo

This is the one day, for the last 33 yrs, that I know exactly what I was doing every minute of the day. My son was born in Austin, TX at 10:59 pm on June 24, 1976. He is my heart, the light of my life. He is the one who gave me the courage to live. He is the one that I honor every June 24th. I fell in love with him the moment he was laid in my arms & that has never changed. I made many mistakes as a Mom, but one thing never changed. I love my son with all that I am. Always have, always will.


He is a wonderful man, his trials have been by fire. He is scorched & refined but not bowed. Me Hijo (as I have called him since he was 3 yrs old) is a fine man, a good husband, a devoted father to my 3 wonderful grands. He inspires me to be the best I can be in these remaining days that I Journey through the Adventure that is my Life. I have taken him on some hairy adventures & for that I am sorry. I thank Great Spirit that he survived.


Happy, Happy Birthday Me Hijo!! I love you more than words can ever say. Thank you for letting me be your Mom--it is an honor & a priviledge to know you.

***the song's for you*** Child of Mine by Emmylou Harris

blessed be...

Simply An Inspired Life - Jonathan Lockwood Huie and Mary Anne Radmacher

I just LOVE this site. I get daily inspiring quotes, meditations, etc from them. I hope you enjoy the link. It really spoke to me this morning. blessed be...


Simply An Inspired Life - Jonathan Lockwood Huie and Mary Anne Radmacher

Shared via AddThis

Father's Day

1957 (Me age 5 1/2 yrs, My brother age 5-6 months, Daddy age 32, & Mama age 24)
click to enlarge picture



Back in the day, we never celebrated Father's Day or Mother's Day at my house. When I went to college I began sending cards to my Daddy for Father's Day. He never cared for any of the gifts I gave him. Except for one that I sent one Father's Day. A leather wallet with his name engraved on it. He carried it til he died (that was many years after I gave it to him). When he opened that present, he immediately took out his old wallet & transferred everything to the new one. It was so nice to, for once, have done the right thing for him & to have given something he appreciated rather than ridiculed. It is a good memory.



Fast forward to 2008. After 20+ years of being a widow my Mother remarried. My step-dad is a Baptist minister (we are not BTW Baptist). He & my Mom had a very long courtship-3 dates. She & my Daddy married after knowing each other for 3 months so she does not believe in long engagements. My only request was that I met her new fella before the wedding. I was happy for her but wanted to check him out first. It was ok. He has always called me "Daughter" & I call him Pops. He is very different than my Daddy. Much more loving, & he likes me.


For Father's Day I gave Pops Oliver a year old Chihuahua. Pops has been wanting one for this whole year. So, when Oliver was offered to me with all accessories I accepted & gave him to Pops. I thought Pops was gonna cry he was so happy. So Oliver has a great home, he is very pampered & even sleeps on the bed with Pops & Mom. He watches TV with Pops & goes everywhere with him. Pops is so happy, Oliver is so happy, & my Mom is so happy because Pops is happy. So, once again, I scored as the Good Daughter in the Father's Day Gift Department.






2009 Pops & Oliver
the sun was in Oliver's eyes so he squinted. He is really adorable.



Happy Father's Day to all!!!


blessed be...

Father's Day Giveaway

Visit my friend JenX for a chance to win Sesame Street Vol 1 1969-1974

www.jenx67.com


Good Luck!!!





blessed be...

Running from my past

I left my hometown as soon as humanly possible, vowing never to return. I tried to get out sooner, but failed. I considered many times running away, but when I was younger I was always afraid so that was out of the question. I was afraid of everything: darkness, yelling, disappointing people, my own imperfections, failure, life, people, heights (this one still freaks me out), & most of all myself. I found an all girls' school in Virginia that I wanted to attend. No money to send me away to school. I wanted to go on the wheat harvest one summer. That was met with a big no-my Mom was absolutely appalled I would even think of this. I learned not to have dreams & if I did certainly not to voice them or any opinion of mine to my parents.


I was a good student but I absolutely hated High School. I always felt like a square peg in a round hole. I just didn't seem to fit in. Depression became by constant companion by Senior Year & lived with me for many years, gone now thankfully. I was super-sensitive to raised voice, teasing, & criticism. There was so much of that from my Dad at home that I just would dissolve in tears whenever it happened. This was true for many years of my life. I would just cry at the drop of a hat.


I was not allowed to go where the other kids went, do what the other kids did, dress like the other girls. I saved my money once & had spied the cutest dress at one of the local dress shops. It was flowered (a sprinkling of multi-colored wild flowers) on a butter yellow background. It was a mini dress that stuck me mid-thigh. It had long sleeves that flared out at the elbows in a bell shape (yes, 40 yrs later I can still see that dress). I bought it & then stopped by my Mom's office to show her what I had bought all on my own. She had me try it on & promptly told me I could not keep it. It was too short (she actually checked to see if there was enough hem to let it down below my knees-there wasn not) & I was not going to wear it. Take it back. I was mortified, but back to the shop it went. I was so angry, so embarrassed, so disappointed. Then, I was not allowed to get my ears pierced. According to my Mom only "trashy women" had pierced ears. Once I got to college I pierced my ears. Later I pierced them several more times & got tattos. Funny thing, many years later my Dad wanted to get my Mom diamond earrings & she had her ears pierced so that she would not lose them. BTW, I now have those earrings-they were the last Christmas present my Dad ever bought my Mom because he died 4 months later.


I, as previously noted, never planned to return to my hometown, never planned to be in touch with anyone I knew from childhood/teenage years. Then I moved back to OK after more than 20 yrs. I have never been to a class reunion. Still have no plans to ever attend one. But I have seen several people with whom I went to school. Worked with a couple of them a few years back. Run into others here& there. Our lives have taken such different roads there was no real connection, just people we used to know when we were all someone else. I am in my hometown at least once a week now because my partner/companion is a hometown boy & his Mom still lives there. I have been able to remember the good times, banish most of the bad memories & replace them with the good ones. I had blocked out so much that I really don't remember lots of things from my growing up years. But, thanks to Sparky & his Mom, I am remembering people, places, events, etc. My brother helped me with this also before he died. Filled in alot of my blanks, because I have large gaps in my memories of childhood. I still don't really have my own memories but I can go "Oh yea, I remember....." when something is related to me.


Visiting with Tim, Barry, & Rhonda last weekend in my hometown really opened up something in me. I actually got on my Facebook account & looked for people from my graduating class. Found some, sent a friend request, two confirmed me as a friend, even got an actual response from one. It was nice. It has opened up my past in a good way. A couple have never responded but that is ok too. The old me would have taken that as a sign that I am not worthy, not valuable. But the authentic, true me understands that we weren't friends before, just people who went to school together & they may not even remember me. There were after all 30 in our graduating class, I think. LOL! I think I am finally free of the demons from High School. Free to not be negatively affected by the memories. Free to see them for what they were - just kid stuff. What really matters is who I am today, how I live my life in this moment, the impact I have on other people, being true to myself, living in authenticity, living in harmony, being joyful, following my Journey, traveling toward enlightenment, being in sync with Great Spirit, Nature, my surroundings, & harming none as I walk through this Adventure.


As I told Barry, when we were discussing what we write in our blogs, I had to live lies for too many years, keep secrets, be someone else-a shadow of myself, & now I am going to be completely honest about who I am, tell the truth, & tell my stories. That is the best I can be....Authentic!


blessed be...

Losing Grandma...

Alzheimer’s disease is a brain disorder named for German physician Alois Alzheimer who first described it in 1906. Scientists have learned a great deal about Alzheimer’s disease in the century since Dr. Alzheimer first drew attention to it. Today we know that Alzheimer’s:

1. Is a progressive and fatal brain disease. As many as 5.3 million Americans are living with Alzheimer’s disease. Alzheimer's destroys brain cells, causing problems with memory, thinking and behavior severe enough to affect work, lifelong hobbies or social life. Alzheimer’s gets worse over time, and it is fatal. Today it is the seventh-leading cause of death in the United States.
2. Is the most common form of dementia, a general term for the loss of memory and other intellectual abilities serious enough to interfere with daily life. Alzheimer’s disease accounts for 50 to 70 percent of dementia cases. Other types of dementia include vascular dementia, mixed dementia, dementia with Lewy bodies and frontotemporal dementia.
3. Has no current cure. But treatments for symptoms, combined with the right services and support, can make life better for the millions of Americans living with Alzheimer’s. There is an accelerating worldwide effort under way to find better ways to treat the disease, delay its onset, or prevent it from developing.

********************************************

My Grandma Groomer was a beautiful, elegant, talented woman. She cooked like a gourmet chef, her house was always spotless, she sewed all her own clothes including suits & they were perfect, her garden was beautiful-she had such a green thumb, always had a grape arbor & how I loved her fresh grape juice & jelly. Growing up she was my ideal. She was the standard to which I held myself for many years. She had the most beautiful singing voice, could play the harmonica, taught us to Charleston, she was a talented sketch artist. Meals at her house were perfectly appointed, always served at just the right temperature. Her desserts were to die for. I was always in awe of Grandma.

Now, I don't mean to say she was perfect 'cause she wasn't. She was judgemental, prejudiced, angry, & very unhappy. I saw all this as I became older. She had a very priviledged start in life. Her grandparents were very well off, aristocrats. Her mother married the hired hand. So life was tough for my Grandma & her siblings. Then her mother died in childbirth. Her grandparents cut themselves off from their daughter's family. Proverty struck my Grandma's family. My Great-Granddaddy farmed all the kids out to relatives. Then the older ones rebeled, went to work, & everyone came home. Grandma had to quit school & stayed home to take care of the baby. She did all the housework, cooking, etc. When she was 16, 17 (I don't really know) she climbed out her bedroom window & eloped with my Grandpa. They were a handsome couple.

They had four children (3 girls, 1 boy-my mother is the 2nd born). My Grandpa could fix anything, very mechanically talented. He built a TV back in the 40's from scratch. I am amazed by that. He was also a bootlegger during Prohibition. Then, after many jobs, he became a cop on the Norman force. I can still see him in his uniform. He & his partner were rear-ended at a traffic light & his back was broken. While he was not paralyzed that ended his career in law enforcement. He had a pension from the City of Norman & the US Navy for his service in World War II. He had four kids at home & volunteered for the Navy. My Grandma was PO'd to say the least. Then when it came time to allocate his monthly allotment while he was overseas, she found out he had never gotten a divorce from the wife before her (is my family messed up or what??!!!). Since they had kids, the allotment came to her. I think my Grandma was Grandpa's third wife & they married young.

After my Grandpa died in the mid-80's, Grandma was lost. They fought horribly & were always angry with each other, but when he died Grandma had no purpose. She had been taking care of people since she was a little girl. She got mugged & chased the muggers down the street of the retirement community. I come from very self-sufficient, strong Southern women. We, overall, take no crap, especially from muggers.

My Grandma was tough. She survived uterine cancer when I was in Jr. High, breast cancer when I was in my mid-20's. She gave me a wonderful gift in that she showed me her scar & after that I was never afraid to face breast cancer because the mastectomy wasn't scary. She had no treatment & was cancer free for many, many years.

My Mom & Aunt started noticing that Grandma was not herself. She baked potatoes once & there were big clumps of dirt on them. That just was not Grandma acceptable. You could, literally, eat off her floor. This woman boiled everything. She could catch a baby's pacifier before it hit the ground, drop it in a pot of boiling water, & give it back to you before you could bat an eye. I saw her do this when one of my cousins was a baby. Awesome!! Then she started leaving the stove on. So, they moved her to a retirement home. She would wander away & head for the hospital where my Grandpa had been treated. Once she was found wandering in a neighborhood in Edmond. The woman was an escape artist. She climbed the wall once. I saw her at that Home for the first time in years. She was very happy to see me. But she would fade in & out. She knew me, called me by name, but she would sometimes tell me "You are so big" & ask my Mom "Where are your little children?" It was sad, but manageble because she knew me & called me by name.

Then we had to move her to a home for alzeheimer patients. She became almost completely non-verbal, but she still knew me. She would always smile when I walked in & called "Grandma". She would pat me & say "Pretty". She would communicate her likes & dislikes. She still tried to escape even though she was in "lock down". I got pinched by older men alot at that place.

After a couple of years we moved her to the Oklahoma Christian Home in Edmond nearer my Aunt who visited everyday. After I moved back to OK my Mom & I would go every weekend to spend most of the day with Grandma, feed her, change her, & all the other things she needed. She had breast cancer again. It had come back in her other breast before she was diagnosed with alzheimers. She had opted for no treatment at all & we honored that wish. She was in pain alot, but had a morphine patch. I kept up with that because once it was missing & a few times it did not get changed on schedule. I am a hard taskmaster when it comes to my loved ones' care.

Through all of this, the moves, etc. Grandma knew me everytime I visited. We had some good times. I got her headphones so she could listen to hymns, I got her red sunglasses so she could sit in the garden. Then that awful day came when I walked in , called "Grandma" when I saw her & she turned to me with a blank stare. No recognition at all. I was broken-hearted. But, funny thing was that even though she had no idea who I was, she liked me. She would always smile at me. She would sometimes still pat my hand or touch a particular garment I was wearing. She always seemed to like it when I wore overalls. She did not like me to wear them when she was my Grandma, but when she became the other Grandma she loved them. Go figure.

Grandma lived this way for a couple of years. Then one day she choked on a piece of scrambled egg, an aide was feeding her because my Aunt was late that morning. It was no one's fault. It was just Grandma's time to move to the Other Side. She lived for several weeks, but just slowly faded away. My first grandchild, my grandson Little Wolf, was born four days after she died.

"For everything that is lost, something is gained"

****************************************

I love you, Grandma. You taught me so much. Think I'll catch you later...on the Other Side!

******************************************

blessed be...

My Tribe just got bigger...

Saturday, June 6, 2009 heralded the arrival of new friends. New from the standpoint we had never met in person before. Old friends because we know each other through our blogs. How we all "found" each other is amazing. Tim found me through one of my friend's blogs based on a comment I left. Then I found Tim. Through Tim & JenX (another OK blogger that wasn't able to meet with everyone until Sunday-sadly I could not be there), whom I found through Tim I found Barry. Then Barry found me. Or at least this is how we all think it happened. Notheless, we all had an amazing connection. So for many months now we have been blogging back & forth, leaving comments for each other. Then, happiness of all happiness, I found out that Barry & Rhonda were coming to OKC for Red Earth. They had been invited by Tim for the visit. So, after e-mails back & forth with Tim we decided to meet at my old stomping grounds, The Chickasaw National Recreation Area in Sulphur (I was born & raised in Sulphur). We met at the Nature Center on Saturday afternoon. As I have shared with Barry, it was, for me, like going home. When I hugged each of them I knew, just knew, we were connected on some higher level. It was like we had been apart for awhile & were now back together. We had the most comfortable conversations. We walked, wadded, drove around, took pictures, & just shared our lives. I think we sat for three hours eating & talking. Good thing we were in a convenience store/bar-b-que place or we just might have closed the place down. LOL


As is tradition with me, they each now possess a wolf totem. My Tribe is the family of my heart/my Spirit, connected through the ages. Destiny allowed us to find each other, destiny brought us together. There is a purpose to our connection. Do I know what it is or why it is? No. But I do believe we made this decision to find each other while our Spirits were dwelling on the Other Side. Somehow, somewhere, sometime we would again connect to fulfull promises made a very long time ago. The time is right. The time is Now. We are, once again, together. Connected through the ages by lessons we decided to come here to learn, promises we made in our Spirit form. Where will the Journey lead us? Only Time & Great Spirit can tell us. All I know right now is that I am a very blessed woman.




blessed be...



















Tim, Me, & Barry

http://adventuresoftimtim.blogspot.com/

Barry & Rhonda -- Spokane, WA
http://sulustu.blogspot.com/

Journey-The Great Adventure of Life

“Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting;

The soul that rises with us or life’s star,

Has had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar,

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But railing clouds of glory,

do we come

From God,

who is our home.”

~William Wordsworth (1770-1850)

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Found this quote today on http://worldofspirit.blogspot.com/ She has a very thought-provoking post on reincarnation with wonderful eclectic quotes.

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Before reading the above blog this morning, I had been thinking alot yesterday & this morning about why we meet the people we meet. Why do certain people come into our lives? Why do some stay forever & some only for a Season? Why do some people pass on by? Why is there an instant connection to some people when we meet? Why is there an instant connection to people we meet in the cyber world?

My own thoughts on this are that it is all a part of the Journey. Sometimes it is not necessarily our Journey but the Journey of the other person. We have chosen, I believe, to leave our Spiritual Home & take human form in order to learn predetermined lessons that we choose while still in Spirit form. It is, I believe, a part of our becoming more enlightened. I believe we make pacts with other Spirits to meet on this plane of existance in order to further our Journey/learning, their Journey/learning, or both of our Journey/Purposes. The really cool part is that we don't remember any of this. So we have these really terrific ahhh haaa moments during our Journey. We meet someone & we begin talking just like we have been together for all of our lives. That instant connection where we know each other. I am always amazed & so very blessed when these happen. I know they are a gift from not only Great Spirit, but from my true past. i have met a long-lost friend.

I know that when my Purpose here is finished I will return to Spirit form & return Home. There I will assess all that I experienced in this incarnation. I will decide if I still have more to learn. I will decide if I want to return again, reincarnated once more. That is, I believe, why we meet and/or observe some people who seem to be so highly evolved. They have brought all their previous knowledge with them & are expanding on it once more.

My Journey has been a rocky one. Sometimes I ask myself "If I chose this, why did I choose to have this birth family, these experiences?" Then I know that it is to learn more about myself &, sometimes, to help others through their struggles. To evolve into a more tolerant, understanding, loving, compassionate, in tune, in touch person. Then I meet someone who touches me so deeply & I know I am on the right path...for me.

In my travels, I have met people from places I used to live. Why didn't I meet them there? Because it was not the right time, not time for the lesson I, or they needed, to learn. I have one friend that I have known for 42 yrs. We have been in & out of touch throughout those years. For many of those years our timing seemed to be "off" & we could not sustain being together (he was my first love, my first kiss, & I have always thought my truest love), we would live in the same state, the same city but never at the same time. Then for several years we were together. He was with me when my beloved brother died. I could not have gotten through that time without his take charge attitude in making all the calls that needed to be made to friends & family. He was my strength in those days, weeks, & months that followed. Then, again, we could not sustain being together. Our lives were in different places, literally.

Sparky spoke at my brother's funeral because Dave requested he do so. It was beautiful & I wish it has been recorded, but the part that stuck with me was when he said "This is just another time where I won't see Dave for awhile". That was the theme of his rememberance. They had run the roads together in high school, then not seen each other for years, then one day a cop waved at Sparky. Then another day, a cop in a squad car waved at Sparky & he realized it was Dave. Then they saw each other here & there for years. Then Sparky & I were together & we spent alot of time with Dave. Then we broke up & they went back to waving at each other. Then Dave was terminal & Sparky spent alot of time at the house visiting, remembering, laughing, planning with him.

And, now, Sparky & I are together once more. This was his choice & I chose to take a chance on him again. But, I definately laid down some ground rules ~smiles~ For a reason that still has not yet been revealed to me, we are in each other's lives. We grew up together, then did not see each other for over 20 yrs. He never crossed my mind, just a boy from my hometown. Then mutual friends fixed us up. We were together for several years. He called "stop". I moved on, he moved on. Then, after Dave died, he began calling now & then. Just checking on me. Then we got back together. There is a Purpose in all this. I know that he thinks I am smart, funny. I also know he agrees with some of my beliefs, but while he never says so he also thinks some of my beliefs are "cracked" & I believe I sometimes make him uncomfortable with what I rally toward. Sometimes I am talking about something I am passionate about & he gets real quiet & changes the subject. Sometimes he asks more questions. Mostly, it is the change the subject ploy. But, hey, I don't go for all he believes either. He is a good man, but not highly evolved in tolerance & acceptance. He can be such a red-neck sometimes. Then he can totally surprise me with his views & how liberal he can think/believe. He has his "stuff". But, I just keep being me. Will we be in each other's lives forever? Only Great Spirit knows for sure. I'm just taking it a day at a time, 'cause who knows where the wind may blow me next. We both probably have lessons to learn from each other. It is an interesting ride.

So, for me, this Life is not a destination, but it is a Journey & a great Adventure toward knowing so much about myself & others. I am so in awe of the serendipity, the synchronicity of it all. I have learned not to question "Why?" because ultimately it will be revealed to me in one way or another-on this or the Other Side. The death of human form is not the end, but only the beginning of another Journey, another Great Adventure. Our Spirits never die, they live on through eternity as they always have & as they always will. This is the great equalizer--we are all the same, we come from the same energy, we were made by the same Great Spirit, we struggle to find new understanding of the Journey in this life so that we can go Home to share all that we have learned with those who choose not to leave our blessed Home.

In closing, in the true words of my sister-friend, the sister of my heart, Butterflies---"There are not coincidences"

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blessed be...

In Memory...

I was born & raised in a small town in OK-lived there every day of my life until I went to college & then I never went back there to live. Small as in less than 5,000 people. It was a rural town (my grandparents had a dairy farm so did my aunt & uncle-lots of people farmed) with a nice "downtown" where people congregated on Saturday night. We had a movie theater & a drive-in movie. I saw Old Yeller at the theater (bawled my eyes out)-my daddy took me to a matinee. I saw Pollyanna at the drive-in, my daddy took me. It was a 1950's town. Mothers stayed home. Dads went to work. You played outside all day long, we had two swimming pools & a National Park. As a teenager, we were always "dragging Main & circling Doves" (the local teenage hangout).

The days of Summer were lazy, I walked or rode my bike to the library. I was a voracious reader. We made homemade ice cream in the backyard, neighbors just stopped by to visit. We sat in the backyard or on the front porch. Watched the sunset, the moon rise, the stars come out. I caught lightnin' bugs in mason jars. We played in the sprinkler, we had fireworks on the 4th of July. We slept with the windows open & never locked our doors. Fresh washed, cool sheets & a breeze made for the best sleep.

When you started school you were placed in classes based on the alphabet. There were always two classes for each grade- first part of the alphabet in one, second part in the other. I was in the first part every year of my life so I shared a class with the same kids throughout grade school (it was not called elementary school back then). Once we went to Jr High we were combined with the grade school from the other side of town (there was one on the west side, where I went, & one on the east side). No bussing then, you had a school on your side of town. Even in small towns.

Butch & I were in the same part of the alphabet so we shared a classroom for 1-6. His dad was a plumber, mine the County Treasurer. He was one of those boys that was full of mischief. One who would grow to be in small town views a bad boy. He wasn't bad though. He was just himself. He was full of life, not a real good student, but a nice boy. He was always friendly. Butch was just a part of school & life the way kids are in small towns. Everyone knows everyone for many years.

Jr. & Sr. High though are where everyone begins to be who they are at that life stage. He was a wild one. He ran the roads. I was a "good" girl. I had few friends, studied hard, was on the debate team, involved in FHA, library club, pep club. Teachers liked me because I was polite & never rocked the boat. So, after grade school, while I knew Butch, I didn't really know who he was. I guess that is the way of teenagers. You find a niche or group & that is the label you have for those years. Unfortunately, sometimes those labels from adolescense color how we view ourselves for years. We ran in different circles. I don't remember him graduating with the rest of us. Best I can remember he dropped out in Jr year, but it could have been Soph year. Sad that I cannot really remember. I would see him around town. Then he joined up or maybe he was drafted. Again, I don't know. I know he got married. He was sent to Viet Nam. He died in Viet Nam. My daddy drove to the college I was attending to tell me. I was devastated. For his wife, his parents, his family, for the life he did not get a chance to live. One of my friends married his older brother-40 yrs later they are still together. I don't know what happened to Butch's widow-she was so young I hope she had a good life.

My Mom & I were walking through the local Wal-Mart about 10 yrs ago after I returned to OK. It was Memorial Day Weekend. In the middle of the main isle was a display. As we were walking toward it I was stopped dead in my tracks. Right in front of me at perfect eye level was a photo of Butch in his uniform. You know the one, that formal 8x10 that all members of the Armed Forces have taken. There he was, forever 18. I uttered an "OMG" & started to cry. My Mother always oblivious said what? I could only say "It's Butch". Now you have to understand, this Wal-Mart was not in the town where I grew up. This was 30 miles away. I have no idea who submitted his photo to be honored-was it that young girl he married, a friend, family? I will never know, but seeing him that day was a blessing in a way. I had never forgotten him in all those years. Never forgotton where he died - how he died. I had always said I wanted to go to DC to The Wall & touch his name.

When Sparky & I were together the first time, I mentioned this to him one day when we were talking about places we would like to see. Many months later he called me one Friday afternoon at work & wanted to know what I was doing after work. "Nothing" "Well, do you want to go to Holdenville?" "Sure, why?" Then he told me that he had just found out that the traveling Wall was at the park there. He said he knew I wanted to see it & would that version do? "YES!!!" I was so touched he remembered.

So, we got there. Even in that version it was the most humbling sight. Humbing because of what The Wall is, what it represents, & also because of the people who were there. I went to the tent where I would find the panel, row, & column that contained Butch's name. Then, with Sparky staying behind to let me go alone, I found the name & date he died. I touched his name, I cryed for the life he did not have. I cryed for the boy I knew & the soldier I did not. I cryed for all of them-the ones who never came home, the ones who came home in a flag-draped casket, the ones who came home so damaged whether physically, mentally or emotionally (like my ex husband) they are the ones I have always called the walking dead. I cryed for what they had all lost. I cryed for what we had all lost-a generation of young men, a generation of young people, who lost their innocence in a country we had never known existed until it became the 6 o'clock news. Body counts every night. Protests, going to Canada. My generation lost it all. We have now lived & raised our children in a world foreign to the one we saw as children. It is not safe to sleep with your windows open, your doors unlocked. Kids cannot roam town on lazy summer days. And young men & women are dying today in a country so far away, with a strange sounding name. Full circle in my life time.

But, for me, there was some healing in touching that name on The Wall. I remembered & honored a boy that I knew for a very long time, & that I didn't know at all. He died so very far away from that small OK town. The sad tragedy....

He was killed when a buddy's M-16 accidentally discharged in the barracks

He was in country 1 month & 9 days

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Forrest Clifford Childs

Specialist Four

64TH TRANS CO, 8TH TRANS GRP,

USA SPT CMD QUI NHON,

USARV

Army of the United States

11 December 1951 - 10 September 1970

Sulphur, OK

Panel 07W Line 052

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Forrest Clifford Childs

Specialist Four

PERSONAL DATA
Home of Record: Sulphur, Oklahoma
Date of birth: Tuesday, 12/11/1951
MILITARY DATA
Service: Army (Regular)
Grade at loss: E4
Rank: Specialist Four
ID No: 442567612
MOS: 11D20 Armor Reconnaissance Specialist
LenSvc: Not recorded
Unit: 64TH TRANS CO, 8TH TRANS GRP, USA SPT CMD QUI NHON, USARV
CASUALTY DATA
Start Tour: Saturday, 08/01/1970
Cas Date: Thursday, 09/10/1970
Age at Loss: 18
Remains: Body Recovered
Location: Pleiku, South Vietnam
Type: Non-hostile, Died Of Other Causes
Reason: Other causes - Ground Casualty
ON THE WALL Panel 07W Line 052

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the above is from http://www.virtualwall.org/

Gone but not forgotten.

Blessed be...

Wolf -- Thoughts, Musings, Legends

When you look into the eyes of a wolf, you see your soul . . .

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I found this quote on www.wolfmountain.com a wolf sanctuary in Lucerne, CA. It really spoke to me. I have visited Wolf Haven in Tenino, WA since it opened. I have seen the graves of the wolves that I saw on that first visit. I have seen the sanctuary grow, expand, & work on reintroduction. They have a breeding program for Mexican Red Wolves. The last time I was there a friend & I went to a Howl In & camped on the grounds overnight. We were treated to a Native American storyteller from one of the NW Tribes (forgive me but I have forgotten which one). There were arts & crafts for the kids that were wolf-related. One was being able to make a plaster paperweight of a wolf paw print. I did that one. I have that print setting on my dresser in my bedroom. I pick it up often. After all the events & entertainment we started howling. Then the wolves started to howl. It touched me so deep inside my Spirit. It was primal, haunting. The wolves howled off & on all night. It was worth the loss of sleep to hear a howl start up in the far reaches of the compound & be picked up as each wolf joined until the chorus was all around our tent. I was at one with my Totem. We also got an extended tour the next morning to the areas not open to the public. It was amazing.

A couple of years ago I was blessed to be able to hold wolf pups in my arms. The little one snuggled against my chest & I felt our hearts beating as one. She wrapped her front legs around my arm in a hug. I held a wolf in my arms. She was soft, sweet, smelled kinda woody but it was beautiful to feel the warm weight of that magnificent creature in my arms.

I have looked into the eyes of many wolves over the years. Most recently a Montana Grey at GW Animal Park in Wynnewood, OK. He was huge & so gorgeous. I sat just outside his enclosure for a long time. He gazed at me & I gazed at him. We communicated in our Spirits. Those lovely amber eyes truly did see into my soul & allowed me to see there also. As his amber & my blue eyes met, we knew each other. We spoke of centuries old memories. We saw the buffalo on the prairie, we howled, we hunted, we slept, we were one.

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The Legend of the Wolf Moon

(Apache)

The animals met and decided they needed leadership. They chose two pairs; one from the water, one from the air, and two from the earth whose breeding together created two wolf pups. The two cubs were again placed on the earth. When they reached the right age, they walked to the opening of their den. When their eyes opened for the first time in their new world that autumn evening, the first thing they saw was the yellow harvest moon. The color of the moon absorbed into their eyes, thus creating the yellow eyes of wolf pups. This color then absorbed into the eyes of all predatory animals.

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My Totem has been visiting me alot lately. This is the first time he has ever manifested inside the house. He & his pack (there are 3 wolves in total) have come in my visions. I have seen him outside my house many times. He guards me, warns me, keeps me safe. That he has come inside is a wonder. I think the furbabies see/sense him also. Zane will track through the house sniffing the ground & the air. He is looking for my wolf. Lobo (named for my Totem) also tracks him. Scrappy, who has a very old soul, is the only one who never seems to look for him. But I know Scrappy sees him just as I see him. We both acknowledge his existence in our den, in our pack. I think it is a good omen that he has come inside. I am waiting for his message. He always brings me a message.

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Wolves in Native American Culture
Edwin Wollert / Education Coordinator / Wolf Song of Alaska

http://www.wolfsongalaska.org/wolves_in_american_culture.html

Did you know?

The Navajo word for wolf, "mai-coh," also means witch, and a person could transform if he or she donned a wolf skin. So the Europeans were not the only ones with werewolf legends. However, the American tribes have an overwhelming tendency to look upon the wolf in a much more favorable light. The Navajo themselves have healing ceremonies which call upon Powers to restore peace and harmony to the ill, and the wolf is one such Power.

"The caribou feeds the wolf, but it is the wolf who keeps the caribou strong."

-Keewatin Eskimo saying

Native American tribes recognized the wolf for its extreme devotion to its family, and many drew parallels between wolf pack members and the members of the tribe. Also, the wolf's superior and cooperative hunting skills made it the envy of many tribes. Finally, the wolf was known to defend its home against outsiders, a task with which each tribe had to contend as well.

Some examples of the wolf appearing throughout Native American religion and mythology include the following. The Eskimos told of an old woman, Qisaruatsiaq, who was abandoned and forced to live by herself, and who eventually turned into a wolf. The Sioux called the wolf "shunk manitu tanka," or "animal that looks like a dog but is a powerful spirit."

Cheyenne medicine men rubbed warrior arrows against wolf fur to bring better success in hunting. The Nootka celebrated spiritual ties to the wolf, in a ceremony whereby they pretended to bring back to life the chief's dead son, by wearing wolf clothing. The Cherokee would not kill a wolf, believing the dead wolf's siblings would enact revenge. They also imitated the wolf's walk to help ward off frostbite to their feet. The Crow dressed in wolf skins to hunt. The Mandan displayed on their moccasins wolf tails, signs of success in battle. Women of the Hidatsa tribe rubbed their bellies with wolf skin to alleviate difficult childbirth. The Cree believed divine wolves visited earth when the northern lights would shine during winter. The Ahtena would prop dead wolves up, sometimes feeding them ceremonial meals. Chippewa myths tell of wolves supplying humans with food and hides. The Delaware tribe thought a change in weather might be announced through a wolf's howl. The Hopis include Wolf as one of the Katchinas, the costumed dancers who represent the powers of the universe.

Indian creation mythology sometimes involves wolves, as in this example from the heritage of the Arikara tribe:

"In the beginning, they say, was water and sky. Here on high you could find Nesaru the sky spirit, and Wolf and Lucky-man. Below lay a watery vastness, empty, it seemed, with only two small ducks swimming about, making eternal, small ripples. Envisioning another kind of earth, with space and variety for myriad creatures, Wolf and Lucky-man asked the ducks to dive down for mud. Using his endless energy, Wolf took half of the mud to build a great prairie for hunting beasts like himself. Lucky-man, his partner in creation, built hills and valleys where the Indians could hunt and live. Last they pushed up the remaining mud into banks of a river, which you can still see, to divide their territories. Earth was ready. Wolf and Lucky-man understood that large creatures must emerge from the reproduction of smaller, humble ones. They enter deep into the earth to find two Spiders who are meant to begin propagating the world. Imagine their disgust when they find the Spiders to be not only ignorant of the business of reproduction, but so dirty and ugly that they aren't interested in each other. Wolf and Lucky-man scrub down their charges and explain the pleasures and responsibilities of fertilization. Clean and enlightened, the Spiders give birth to earth's many creatures - the eight-legged like themselves, the six, the four, and finally the two-legged ones."

- Cottie Burland

Perhaps the tribe with the closest of all associations with the wolf is the Pawnee, in the lands now known as Nebraska and Kansas. The Pawnee felt such a close kinship that their hand-signal for wolf is the same as the hand-signal for Pawnee. They were known as the Wolf People even by neighboring tribes. The cyclical appearance and disappearance of Sirius, the Wolf Star, indicated the wolf coming and going from the spirit world, running down the trail of the Wolf Road, otherwise known as the Milky Way. The Blackfoot tribe also called our galaxy the Wolf Trail, or the Route to Heaven. The Pawnee, like the Hidatsa and Oto tribes, used wolf bundles, pouches of skins from wolves in which to keep and protect treasured implements used for ceremonies and magic.

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Perhaps I should call myself Wolf Woman...

Blessed be...

Thinkin'...

"If we weren't all crazy, we'd go insane" ~Jimmy Buffett~

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Yep, it's true. I go a little crazy now & again. All the rainy weather really bummed me out for awhile. I was so stoked to see SUN on Sunday. Looks good for the rest of the week. I discovered during this most recent monsoon season that while I love the Great NW (Seattle & Portland most particularly) I cannot live there anymore. ~frowns~ I need SUN, I need warm weather on a regular basis. I find my thoughts more & more traveling to Key West. It is so laid back, to me so real. The people, locals, I met when I was there were authentically themselves. No glossing over who they are. Like me. What ya see is what ya get.

I think I am going through another emergence (is that a word??) of who I am. I want more & more to find a place where I can find shops that sell crystals, herbs, New Age music. A place where like-minded people gather for stimulating conversation. I am always so excited when I spot such a shop in OKC or Tulsa or Dallas. Haven't gotten Sparky to stop yet, but I know the way to those towns on my own ~LOL~. I think he is more spiritual than he realizes. Either that or I am rubbing off on him. ~smiles~ He takes the "hits" in life more calmly knowing everything will work out. He speaks of being "watched out for" & of things "happening as they are supposed to". While I don't think I will ever get him to have his cards read or visit a psychic fair I know he believes in the unseen. I know he respects my walks in that realm.

I have been just a little sad lately but I really think it is the weather. Plus I really don't like my job. Honestly, it's not so much that I don't like it but rather that I am bored. It is so slow that I spend much of my day trying to be busy. I would rather truly be busy. I am not challenged on a daily basis so I am bored. Bored brings me down. I really need a new job, but no one is hiring here for any jobs that pay what I need to make to keep the furbabies & me with our heads above water. We do have a certain standard of living to maintain, & believe me it ain't grand just comfortable.

My Totem is beginning to visit regularly in the house. I saw him twice last night. Just hanging out, floating through. Now I need to really connect to see what message is there. Everything I am seeing right now is positive, loving, & feels safe. While I think Zane, my schnauzer/corgi baby, saw something behind me yesterday he did not like, it did not feel threatening. But he would not stop snarling while looking past me out of his crate. I probably should burn some sage tonight & smudge the house. It has been awhile since I have done that.

So, I am going to be starting up my reading again, working in meditation with Great Spirit & my Totem, as well as getting busy on the investment endeavor Sparky & I are working on because it will be my ticket to whatever I want to do with the rest of my life if it pays off the way we invision.

Think I should paint the ceiling of my front porch blue like in Key West & the Caribbean to keep away the evil spirits. Gonna hang wind chimes even if Sparky does not like them after all he doesn't live with me. I also need to set my fountain up in the house again. Lobo thinks it is his personal fountain (water bubbles up out of a rock) but I don't see that as a problem.

So, while there is some conflict I am finding my path. Continuing to walk toward my Purpose. I went to a psychic in OR 11-12 yrs ago who told me many things that have come to pass. One that has always stayed with me is that she told me "You are a healer". I have seen it in some ways. That is the path I would really like to walk.

I had my cards read in WA 4-5 yrs ago & when I met the young woman she asked if she could hug me & of course I said sure. She hugged me, stepped back, & said "Wow, I have never felt that before. You have no agenda". I thought that was so cool, because that is how I feel. So now that is how I live my life-no agenda. I think that was so positive for me to hear from another person. To me, with no agenda of my own, I can focus on who I am with at any given moment. I can be fully present. I can give the message (if it is given to me) that someone needs to hear at any given time. There are times that I have to remind myself to be agendaless so that I can be fully present. To be able to truly listen & connect with another. Hum, I'm gonna work on that some more. I think the Path of my Journey is beginning to reveal itself.

Blessed be...

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Interesting note: My horoscope for today.

May 19, 2009

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
Growth is always a good thing, but you should take a break from pushing yourself right now. Today will not be best spent challenging yourself or starting any difficult conversations. Settle in to a routine right now, and find comfort in doing the same things in familiar patterns. There is something to be said for predictability. Plus, if things never got boring, shaking them up again would not feel nearly as wonderful. Let the dust settle on your newly renovated life.

And now...

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become" - Carl Jung

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I have been divorced from Cowboy for 15 yrs this month. It has been an amazing ride since starting life on my own. I spent several years with SWA & then moved back to OK in December, 1999. 1999 was a monumental year in my life. My brother was diagnosed with NHL in February, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, & Hypoglycemia in June & a very strange lump was found during my mammogram (turned out to be benign). I spent a month on medical leave. During that month I stayed in OK with my Mom, went to treatment with my bro, & decided I was very tired of the corporate rat race. So, when an opportunity to move back to OK came along I took it. I became very active in the church I was attending at that time with my Mom. I was the Missions Director, I taught Sunday School, I preached at Sunday Night services on occasion. I toyed with the idea of becoming a minister. Mutual friends set Sparky & me up on a blind date in 2000. He recognized my first name & informed them that we knew each other, had gone to school together, grown up in the same small town. We were together for several years (during which my son got married & my grandson was born-Sparky adores him BTW) then he decided he wanted to be alone. I was heartbroken & had a very hard time getting over him. I went back into therapy for three years. Best three years I have spent on myself. I worked through so much old crap. I worked through my whole life & learned a lot about myself. My therapist was wonderful & I will be forever grateful to her for all the work she made me accomplish. I worked very hard to get healthy & to conquer my depression (I have been med free for 4 yrs). I got back in contact with my first love, my first kiss. We eventually became engaged. I spent alot of time in Seattle where he lives. My first granddaughter was born. My brother's cancer returned twice-he had a stem cell transplant when Sparky & I were together. The final relaspe came 18 months later. We spent alot of time together, we went to Key West, we went to his treatments, we went to clubs, we danced, we laughed, & in the last 6 months of his life he lived with me. I was honored to be his caretaker. We said our goodbyes many times, we talked about everything we needed to discuss, we laughed & we loved. He finished teaching me how to live & he taught me how to die. I helped him understand how to cross over & when he left it was with a smile on his lips & a look of joy & wonderment in his eyes. I will forever miss him.

For the next year I did not know what to do with myself. I broke off the engagement because the relationship was not a positive in my life. My second granddaughter was born. Sparky came back into my life (he was also friends with my brother & had spent a lot of time with us during the last months-he spoke at the funeral, he was a pallbearer). I think in that time he saw me in a very different light & developed a new appreciation for the person I had become. I let him know I was not going to tolerate any more of his freaking out over the relationship. I told him we could date til we die, but I was not interested in marrying him (and I still am not 3 yrs later). We are good friends & he treats me like gold. He is very lucky I took him back, & I am blessed to have him in my life. He takes care of me.

Life is not what I dreamed it would be back when I was a smalltown girl, but it is what it is supposed to be. I am on a Journey that is fulfilling, happy, & always surprising. I am becoming who I was meant to be, but who I could not have been without going through what I went through. I am not those experiences, but I have grown to become me for having gone through them. I am stronger, smarter, more spiritual, more tolerant, more understanding, & more at peace than I would have been if I had not chosen the paths I walked. Now I am choosing the path toward higher enlightenment of my Spirit. Who knows where the remainder of the Journey will lead. I do know I am looking forward to the ride.

Blessed be...

Part 4 -- The Portland Years

A couple of days after she & BB (Bubba Bear) arrived in Portland, actually Beaverton, where they were now staying with his friends, she found a job as an administrative assistant for the Parks & Recreations Dept. She really liked the job & was happy to be out of the bar/restaurant business. Cowboy was not happy about her choice of work. He grumbled every day about all the tips they were missing. Grumbled about a steady paycheck. She was looking for security & a future but he just had no concept of this type of life. After all, he had only had one or two jobs out in the world in his adult life. He had survived by scamming, stealing, playing cards, running illegal card games, etc. He just could not get with the idea of a steady paycheck & a suburban lifestyle. Oh, he wanted the big house, nice things, sporty car but he did not want to put in the time to get them. She stood up to him until he wore her down. Then she went back to bartending & bar management. They found a nice house, they got his stuff out of storage (they had sold all her stuff when they made a trip back to Vegas to move to Portland permanently). They were standing in the driveway of the friends' house one afternoon as he berated her about something now long forgotten, & she looked in his eyes, saw something that scared the hell out of her. She said "You are the devil". He was so shocked & so mad he forgot to hit her. Score one for the home team!

She worked 10-14 hrs a day, he sat around. By now she had become one of those women she saw on Lifetime movies & wondered why they stayed. Now she knew why. She had become nothing. He humilated her at every turn, he degraded & devalued her. She became a shell of who she had been. She had no friends, she had no contact with her family, she had to account for every minute of every day.

NOTE: As I write this I find it so hard to believe I sank that far, that I let another human control me to that extent. I fought back alot, I learned to hit back, I would sometimes pummel him & one time brought him to his knees from beating on his chest hard, fast, long. I became someone that I did not like. My Spirit was dying more & more each day. I had attempted suicide three times over the years. The last time he broke down the bathroom door & wrestled the blade from my hands. It wasn't so much that I wanted to die, but I really wanted to get off the merry-go-round I was on. I just did not know how to pull STOP. So, in some very sick way, I felt I owed him for saving my life. But the price was becoming too much to pay. I stood in the middle of our kitchen one day while he held a loaded gun & told him to go ahead & end both our suffering. I knew that day that even though he held the gun to his head he was not going to kill himself, but I did figure he would kill me. When he dropped the gun to his side I took it, unloaded it, & got rid of it. It was a turning point, it was the beginning on the end.

She began to make friends at work, the first women friends she had ever really had. They seemed to see her real self. They saw her Spirit, her gifts. She found her Totem, she began to meditate, she started reading lots of self-help & New Age books, she began to change-to grow. She started to find her voice. The weekend DJ kept trying to get her to leave Cowboy (for selfish reasons BTW). She laid awake at night trying to figure out how to kill him without getting caught. She wanted to just be rid of him, but she couldn't figure a way so she was trapped in the nightmare. And so life went during the Portland years.

Then, after several years-she spent 7 yrs in OR all together, she found out he was beating on BB (by now a Senior in high school with behavioral problems & a very nasty temper). She could, for some reason, take the abuse herself but she would not tolerate it on BB. So one night there was a big argument, Cowboy & OK Farmgirl were in their bedroom & he punched her square in the face with a doubled up fist. She took the punch, looked him in the eye & said "That will be the last time you ever f...ing hit me" & walked out. BB came out of his room broom in hand to do battle with Cowboy. "You do not hit women & you most particularly do not hit my Mother". NOTE: Years later BB told her that he had a loaded pistol that he had gotten from a friend under his pillow. It was the grace of Great Spirit that caused BB to grab the broom as weapon & not that gun. If he had grabbed the gun I would probably still be in an OR prison 'cause BB's prints would not have been on that gun.
At that point the fight was going to be on, a battle was about to rage. She threw herself between them & told BB to go to his friend S's house. S & his mother came, picked up BB & begged her to come also. She told them she was leaving but not tonight. Once she knew BB was safe, she knew she would be leaving too. She had been hoarding tips (skimming off the top so to speak), paying off credit cards on the sly. Cowboy was angry that night but not abusive. She slept on the couch, he kept coming out to wake her up. Three days later she got up early, left a note, took what she wanted to be sure she kept, took all the credit cards, the debit card, the checkbook out of Cowboy's wallet & drove away. First, to the bank to close the joint account & open a new one, next to work to put her valuables in the safe & tell her boss what was up. Then she found an apartment, bought furniture, & arranged to move in. Then she called her mother & told it all. Her brother, now a cop, offered to leave OK right then & meet her half way so she would not be traveling alone. She thanked him but declined. BB wanted to stay to finish his senior year & she would not leave him.

Cowboy called many times that day & the days following, but she would not relent. She had found her strength once more. She was free & wanted to stay that way. She retained an attorney, told him the whole story, & filed for divorce. She took the papers to Cowboy to sign. She begged him to let her go. Explained that they were not good for each other. Said they only brought out the worst in each other. She begged. He finally signed. Her attorney went straight to a judge & asked for an immediate divorce. The judge waived all the waiting periods based on the situation & granted an immediate divorce. Cowboy has been in her life for 12 yrs by that time.

It took almost another year to be totally free of Cowboy. She was almost killed in a car wreck the day he signed the papers, he was driving. The pain did some really weird things to her, she took a paid leave of absence from work, she got clean/sober, she worked the Program, she went to meetings, & she decided to change careers. She attended a school that trained for airline jobs. She was voted most inspirational by her class & asked to give the commencement address-such an honor! She was hired by an airline & moved to the Bay Area. She was on her own for the first time in her life. She was 43 yrs old.

************to be continued**************

Part Tres-- Cowboy

NOTE: This part of my story will be the hardest to tell. The years before Cowboy were , as I look back, all leading up to this period of my life. The years I spent with Cowboy were growth years of a portion I could have never imagined. All the men in my life including my father were just stepping stones leading to this man. He embodied parts of all of them-the parts I had been desperately trying to reach. In him I looked for & found much of the acknowledgment I had craved from them. Finding that entailed a very heavy cost. It also entailed great rewards. Cowboy was, as you will see, the great love of my life. You will probably also find that he is still that. He was also the worst part of my life. The most painful of my relationships. Through him I learned so much about myself-the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, the forlorn. I learned just exactly that of which I am capable both in my darkest moments & in my brightest. If I saw him tomorrow I am afraid I just might fall under the spell again for he is never far from my thoughts. I have been on the run from him for 15 yrs-I have put thousands of miles between us & changed my name. I keep an unlisted phone number. I am careful, always watching over my shoulder & at least once a year I do an internet search for him so that I know exactly where he is residing.

I have gotten over, gotten past, gotten through with everyone else in my past (including someone that I thought I would never give up-that will be another part of my story & one that my dear heart-sister Butterflies knows well) but with Cowboy while the chapter is closed I am hoping that with this writing the story will also be finished. At least in this life.
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She meet him through mutual friends one night in a small bar listening to Country Music in her hometown. The town where she & Bubba Bear had fled. She was working, settling in, & running into friends from high school. It was new friends who introduced them. She asked who he was & he just happened to work with the new friends. He had dark almost black curly hair, piercing blue eyes, & a well-trimmed beard & mustache. He was about 6 ft. with dimples & a cleft chin. Looked alot like Warren Beatty. Beautiful deep voice & beautiful manners. They danced, they talked. He called & they went out a few times. He had been seeing someone else & Waitress Woman was one of those "trashy" women. Just a bit on the rough side. Waitress Woman did not take kindly to him seeing someone else. So that was a problem for awhile. In the end, after commenting many times that he had never met anyone like OK Farmgirl & seeking reassurances the she would never change, they became a couple. He promised her that no one would ever hurt her again. He was good with Bubba Bear, he was twice divorced with a daughter & son he never saw. The son was just a baby & the daughter a few years older than Bubba Bear. This set off some alarms in her head, but she brushed them aside. After all the grim picture he painted of his exes she could understand. She had ex problems herself. So instead of checking out the alarms she felt sorry for him & vowed to make his life better.

Cowboy was sexy, sensual, & showed her things about herself she had never known. It was intoxicating. He had a colorful past that unfolded a little at a time. Sometimes through the stories he told her, sometimes through his friends who had come to OK with him to sell land, & sometimes through his actions.

Land sales in that part of OK dried up, the tracts were all sold. There was a project opening up in Utah on the Nevada border. A resort where the Hollywood stars of the 40's used to go. It was an "opportunity" & he was going. He asked her to go with him. She really did not want to be in OK so she said she would go. He made it perfectly clear that he loved her but would never marry her. She did wear a wedding ring he had given her, she used his last name-at his insistance, even got her drivers license & all id changed. A very nice lady at DMV noticed them all lovey dovey in line & kindly changed the name without a marriage license. Watching a couple in love will do that to some people.

So they packed up all her stuff & headed to Nevada where they would live. They lived in a small farming community that was predominatly inhabited by polygamists. Everyone else in the town worked at the truckstop/casino. Well, to make a long story short, the land deal fell through & they ran out of money. Cowboy became quite depressed. He went back to his former occupation--professional gambler. He was a Texas Holdem player & had made his living that way for several years in WA State. He had been holding illegal gin games & dealing a little pot in OK to supplement his income as well as detailing & selling cars. So he went back to the card rooms in Vegas.

Still gambling was not a steady income & they had bills to pay. Cowboy thought she would be really good at being a cocktail waitress. This was a pretty weird career change for a very naive girl from OK. But to the casino she went & a cocktail waitress she became. It was so hard at first. But the money was very good. So she cocktailed, learned to tend bar, & he played cards. Then he lost the Christmas money. She was so upset. Christmas was late that year. Then Cowboy decided Vegas was where they should be. Better opportunities, closer to the action. So off they went to Vegas.

Once again, the money ran out. She didn't even have the money to bake Bubba Bear a birthday cake. But he did get a Hostess Cupcake with a candle. It sucked! She was such a failure.

The day they moved to Vegas one of Cowboy's buddies from WA won the World Series of Poker at Binyons. That just about did Cowboy in. He just knew he was a better player. He didn't celebrate his friend's win, he became bitter.

She beat the streets for days looking for a job. She was told so many times she was not the "Vegas" type. But she kept looking 'cause she had a child to support. Many times she thought about packing it in & going back home, but she just could not stomach the failure of it all. She just could not go home & have her family tell her I told you so. So she stayed, she found a job, she eventually became the Director of Food & Beverage at a small local hotel. She began to drink fairly frequently. She wrote her own past as she wished it had been. Everyone thought she & Cowboy had been married for many years & that he was Bubba Bear's dad. She never told anyone about her family in OK. She invented a person who could live the life she was living. Then she was introduced to Meth. It, along with pot & tequila, took the edge off. The noise in her head stopped. She was someone else. That person was the Evil Twin & she did not like her. For several years she & ET struggled for power. Then one day something so minor set Cowboy off. Oh, he had always yelled & been verbally abusive to her (her dad did that stuff so what the hell). Then he slapped her. He was immediately apologetic. Sorry, never happen again, ya da ya da. The next time he shoved her & she landed on the small of her back on the solid wood frame of a waterbed. For a moment she could not move. Again, sorry! The drinking & the drugs took over her reality. Cowboy used more than her, but she was catching up fast. She became ET. ET was in charge. ET was a trashy woman. She dressed trashy, she talked trashy. Then OK Farmgirl tried to get control. She stopped everything. Cowboy's temper got worse, he was depressed, he just quit living. He was an ex-boxer who had always been in shape, but he balooned up to over 200 lbs. Cowboy got even nastier. When he was good he was very good, but when he was bad he was worse. Nothing she did was right, she did not make enough money, she did not appreciate him. Just on & on.

Then her dad died. She made it back to OK to see him-she was the last person he spoke to . She went back to Vegas & he died several days later after being taken off life support (that is all another story). She did not go to his funeral. She was just so mad that he died before she got to say all that she needed to say. Cowboy began cutting her off from her family more & more. She & her brother had had an argument at the hospital about her being there so she stopped talking to him for many years-funny thing was he never noticed.


They had been together for 3 yrs when he asked her to marry him. She should have run, but she did not have the confidence that she could take care of herself & Bubba Bear. Geez, what did she think she had been doing?? She was supporting 3 people by herself. But she was thrilled, after all she could never figure out why he had ever wanted her. Even her mother asked "How did you get someone like him?" when she first met him (Mom was very superficial, had always been a beauty - it is very hard when you perceive yourself to be the plain daughter of a beautiful woman). So she cried tears of gratitude & said yes. They got married in Vegas, just the two of them. Things got so very much worse once she said I do. She should have realized how it was going to be when he took the money she was saving to buy him a wedding ring & spent on buying silver coins as an investment (never saw any profit from those).

Then came the days when he was losing so very badly on the tables, things were going from bad to worse. He finally confessed, when she noted that he had never had a bad streak for so long, that he was actually winning on the tables then putting it all in a poker machine that he just knew he could beat. Hello! you don't have to live in Vegas long to know those casinos are not built on winners. BTW, she did not gamble. She worked too hard for the money to risk it.

That was when she said it was over. Seven yrs into the relationship, & while it broke her heart, she consulted with an attorney. She did not mention the abuse (her friends were starting to comment on how afraid of Cowboy she seemed). One friend, an ex-LA policeman, asked Cowboy if he wanted to go out target shooting. It seemed so innocent but for some reason she got a really bad vibe off this. She told Cowboy not to go. Who knows how that might have turned out. She had known Cops, Mafia, gun runners, bikers, bounty hunters, dealers, etc to date, but she knew this ex-Cop liked her & that he was just a little bit crazy (had been shot by a gang member in LA, got drummed off the force on a psyc & was on the run even though the guy was in prison-he carried A LOT of guns in his car). She was not about to take a chance of having a killing on her conscience. The attorney got the papers ready to file.

Cowboy decided he just could not face Vegas anymore, it was killing him there, he said he knew he was in deep trouble, so he contacted his best friend in Portland. BFF told Cowboy to come back to OR & get his head straight. She put him on a plane & promptly paniced. What would she & Bubba Bear do in Vegas alone. How would this work out?? Two days later she quit her job, packed up Bubba Bear & drove straight through to Portland only stopping for gas.



**************to be continued******************



Blessed be...