( Age 28; Age 4)
Sorry I have been so long away from the blogasphere, but I have been reflecting quite a bit as I have visited each of ya'll whose blogs I read daily. I have been thinking about many things: my life, the Journey, my son, our Journey, my demons (but I don't want to give them any power since they have been banished), my Angel Thomas, my Totem the Wolf, my blessings, my childhood that I mostly cannot remember.
I was talking to Mom the other day (we speak regularly these days), & she was relating something about one of my cousins & her mother. I won't share that story even though my cousin is not a reader of my blog & would probably never see this but I feel her story belongs to her. Suffice to see it opened a very interesting conversation with my own Mom. During the course of this conversation my Mom shared the following:
" You were a beautiful girl, you are still beautiful. And I was always so proud of you. I am so proud of you. Maybe I never said this. No, Mom you never said this to me, I said with my voice breaking & tears welling up. Well, I should have so I am telling you now. Sometimes, as parents, we think that our children know what we are thinking & how we feel. After all we feed, clothe, house you so we think you know that we love you. I should have told you then, but I want you to know you have always been beautiful & I have always been proud of you."
Thanks for telling me, Mom!
I waited over 50 yrs to hear these words from my Mom. Hearing them changed me somehow, changed the dynamics between us somewhat. I think how big that change will be is developing. I still have some trust issues with her, but something did break loose in my heart that day. The ice melted a bit, the wall came down a few feet, the rocks started to crumble some. After I hung up the phone I immediately called a friend of over 40 yrs who knows all about the relationship between my Mom & me-has seen it firsthand. I left a long message on voicemail relating the conversation. In the return call he told me that when he heard the message he immediately saw me, age 14 (that's when we met), standing in front of my childhood home. He told me he didn't know why, but that was the image that immediately came to him. I know why, my teenage years were when the pain got so big, so intolerable. When I became so acutely insecure. Him seeing me at that age told me that my teenage self was being healed. That was important.
I have thought about how different the Journey would have been if I had grown up in a home where my parents said I love you, I am proud of you, Good job, Well done & all the other things that affirm a child's value in their world. How I have wished that had been my life! How I had wished that I had been a Daddy's Girl (my Mom told me that she knew how much I had longed for this & wished it could have been-BTW that blew me away also). But, had that been my life would I be who I am today? Would I have grown to where I am spiritually, emotionally, etc today? Would I be as enlightened as I am? Would I be striving to become more so? Would I be me? Ya know, I think the answer is No. Because if I had been raised that way I would not know the importance of those things. I would not know that people need to be authenticated by their family, their Tribe, their peers. I would not know how important it is to validate others. To say I love you to your child & to keep saying it until as Bubba Bear said to me once when he was about 10, yeah yeah I know...you Love me. I would not know how important it is to compliment others, to celebrate accomplishments. I think if I had had all that I desired in my early years, I would be someone else today. Someone who would not be so touchy feely, someone who does not greet everyone with a hug, a kiss. Someone who does not say I love you. I think I am who I am because of what I did not have what I felt I needed. It is that need that has fueled the Journey, that has given me insight, compassion, a loving nature, an outgoing outreaching personality (even though as my dearest longtime friends will tell you I am inherently very shy & ill at ease in large social gatherings). It is that need that has always been the fuel for me to have adventures, explore my roots, explore my gifts, embrace other cultures, banish prejudices, & to live in Harmony with Nature as well as Humanity.
My upbringing was a gift even though I have always looked at it as a curse. Because through what was missing, I found what was most important for me to live a truly free, healthy, enlightened, uplifting, inspired Life. I found out that I could choose my Tribe, my heart-family, & that those people would enrich, inspire, & motivate me. Those are the people who truly see me. Who truly get me. I could not have found any of you without my Journey starting as it did. The road has been rocky. Many times I have wanted to just stop. I have taken some "interesting" detours, but the road has lead to this day, to this time, to this moment of understanding. Life is truly a Journey. Let's see where the road leads!!!