Thursday, December 31, 2009

We'll tip a cup of kindness...

For Auld Lang Syne

As 2009 comes rapidly to an end & the promise of 2010 looms on the horizon, I stop and reflect on all the wonder that has been the past year.  New friends, reconnecting with old friends, moving on, moving forward, really hungering for a more peaceful, enlightened, purposeful life.  Now, with less than 3 hrs before the New Year rings in, I am drawn to reflection.   I did not accomplish all that I wanted, but I will accomplish more in the new year.  I may never accomplish all that I want before my life in this world ends, but so long as I Ieave each day better than I found it I will be satisfied. 

I find myself hearing the words that have been spoken to me by psychics "You are a healer" & I think of the saying "Physician heal thyself".  That is what I have been doing, healing myself for several years now.  I hope that in that time & with the example of my own healing I have healed others in some way.   It has taken me many years to fully understand that prophecy of healing.  At one time I thought it might mean the laying on of hands kind of healing.  It did not & I was ok with that.  I really believe it means the kind of healing that comes from truly  listening to others, feeling their pain, accepting them without judgement, & having true compassion for their plight.  I have walked so many roads in my Journey that it is not hard to place myself in the shoes of another & to have understanding, compassion, & acceptance.  I know how much heartache can come from just living your life, but I know that no matter the pain the joy makes it all worthwhile.  Joy that comes in the simple everyday parts of life.  The smile of a child, the voice of a loved one, a touch, a glance, a chance encounter that changes the course of your day & sometimes even your life.  

So, I look forward to 2010 with great anticipation.  I really don't make resolutions.  They always seemed so shallow in some way.  But, as I said earlier today, I will strive to "dance" every day.  Dance in my heart, let my Spirit dance freely, dance around my house.  I will do this to honor a life cut short because I still live & live is what he would want me to do.  Live fully, live freely, live with purpose, but mostly live with great love & love with complete abandon.

"Life may not be what we expected, but we can still dance"...anonymous



blessed be...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas on a snowy Christmas Eve

These are the views from my front & back doors right now.  Scrappy just thought he had to go outside & check out the snow, until he found out how cold it really is out there (28 degrees right now & dropping).

I haven't seen snow like this in years & certainly not in Oklahoma.  We had these kind of days in Oregon & Missouri.


Well, I don't send Christmas cards so this will be my greeting to all of you during this glorious season.  I will call it my "Christmas Letter to my friends"

This has been a wonderful year for me personally.  I have made new friends & reconnected with old friends.  I have to give the credit for the reconnecting to my new friends, Tim, Jen, Barry, & Rhonda.  Meeting them, first through our blogs then in person, gave me the courage to reconnect with people with whom I went to high school, to really use my Facebook page.  I think it was because of their immediate acceptance of me just as I am, feeling like I could be totally honest about myself & still be accepted that made it ok for me to reconnect & be honest about my life with people who knew the young girl that I used to be.  It has been interesting to get their perspective of me then & find that they like me now.  Guess I should have trusted that would happen sooner, but I believe everything happens as it should as well as for a reason.  I believe in fate, destiny, & pre-ordained events. 

This has been a year that I have not been happy professionally, but I have learned alot in that unhappiness.  I have learned that I can tolerate alot of stuff & never lose my temper.  Oh, I mutter to myself & have elaborate conversations in my head with my boss-I tell him off quite often that way, but I never lose it with him.  I try to understand what is going on with him, & quite honestly I am worried about the old guy.  I am really afraid something is wrong with him healthwise. So, I tolerate behavior that in other days I would have handled with much less grace.  So, I must thank the Universe for putting me in the situation that has taught me to have more grace.

The relationship with my Mother is still "strange", but I accept that it always will be.  Sometimes she hovers, sometimes she ignores, sometimes she irritates, sometimes I just shake my head.  It can all be best summed up in the words of my brother when someone told us what a wonderful, sweet, lovely Mom we had.  He looked at me & said "Don't they know the old lady is crazy?" 

My son has his own business now, my daughter-in-law is still able to be a stay-at-home Mom, the little ones are happy, healthy, bright, & the joy of my life. 

I moved into a new house in July as most of you know.  I am so blessed to have found it.  I now have space to really live in my home.  I enjoy cooking & now have a kitchen large enough in which to cook.  I have come out the other end from the fiasco that was the closing of the company & loss of the job that brought me here.  I have finally paid off all the bills that I got behind on when I was off work.  I have a little extra jingle in the pocket of my jeans each month.

I'm still with Sparky.  I guess we will stay together this time, but who knows for sure.  While he is not the love of my life he is a very good friend, looks out for me, & has a very good heart.  He is a good man, not the usual "bad boy" or "damaged goods" I have fallen for in the past.  I guess I have entered a new chapter -- The Good Man.  We will never be head over heels in love, but there is something to be said for a stable companion.  I tell people we are not "in a relationship" because we are friends not lovers.  I know that he loves me as much as he understands that emotion.  I still think my brother told him to take care of me.  He does a good job of that.  I often thank Great Spirit for him being back in my life.  And after the way we ended several years ago, Sparky is lucky I took him back.   But, I must admit that ending is what allowed me to experience some amazing personal growth, not to mention being able to devote myself to my brother & his life.  So, it is all good.

Big Guy, my high school sweetheart, is still in my life also.  We talk on the phone from time to time.  I haven't been to Seattle in 4 yrs now.  He is having some health concerns, had a couple of small strokes, heart trouble (they found blockage & he will go in the hospital after the first of the year to find out where & what to do), & diabetes.  I worry about him, but he is losing weight & cutting back on his NRA teaching.  Good friends are hard to come by so I appreciate the ones I have.

I am no longer "running scared", no longer looking over my shoulder in fear that that Cowboy, my abusive ex, will find me.  After almost 16 yrs, I think he has quit looking.  I hope he has found some peace within himself.  But, most importantly I have found peace within myself.  I am whole again, centered, & balanced.  I just plain got tired of living in fear.  Fear of the what if.  Whatever is going to happen will happen, I know that.  So, it is best that I live fully, freely.  The day I decided that a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

So, while the blizzard rages outside my door, I find the beauty in the scene.  Glad I am safe & warm inside with the pupsters, my three little wigglebutts who bring such joy & shower me with unconditional love. 

As the snow falls, my wish for each of you is more love than your heart can hold, peace within yourself, people who give you unconditional love & acceptance, & the joy of knowing Great Spirit.  As we approach Christmas Day remember the true reason for the season, pray for peace on earth, & practice goodwill toward all men. 


blessed be...