Sunday, November 29, 2009

Long ago, when I was crazy...

Once upon a time so very long ago it seems, I went crazy.  Too much pain, too many disappointments, to unprepared for life & the requiste betrayals that come on the journey toward enlightenment.   It crept so softly into my very existence that parts of it I really didn't even realize until I was sane again.  Looking back on some of it was so very painful.  Most of it was as if it had happened to someone else, as I look back.  I never forgot any of it though.  Never have been able to forget who I was when I was crazy, the things I did, the behavior.  Would I have been better off if all the memories had faded quietly away never to have been remembered? No, I think it is good that I to this day remember what it was like when I went crazy, the downward spiral into that dark place.  Because if I didn't remember it all I could very easily slip back into crazieness.  Crazieness is a part of my DNA. 

I refer to the crazy one as my evil twin.  Then & now I call her DB (my initials during the darkest period of my life).   She was so out of control, so angry, so hostile.  A hard-drinker, a partier, willing to try almost any drug that came down the pike.  The line was drawn at anything that required a needle, but she thought about it.  Anything to stop the dialogue in her head, anything to hear the "click" in her head so she could just be-be still, be quiet, be or try to be safe.  But it wasn't safe in my home, the now ex (my beloved Cowboy) became my tormenter, my abuser, the one who I lived with in fear.  Constant fear.  The one who raped me, the one who hit me, the one who belittled me, the one who robbed me of my trust, the one who took away the last shreds of my self-confidence & self-respect.  To this day it is very hard for me to trust a man.  I guarded myself so carefully for so many years before I would even allow myself to date again.  Then that guy let me down, too.  Never raised a hand to me, never raised his voice, but he broke my heart by leaving me because he got scared of the relationship.  That broken heart sent me back into a spiral of depression.  Didn't go back to the the substance abuse (I have been clean & sober for 15 yrs on Jan. 2nd, 2010), but I hid in a very dark place & the fear of losing all I had gained in the years I had spent alone becoming so much more enlightened, learning to live inside my own skin sent me into intense therapy.  Only my brother knew at first that I was working with a therapist (I worked in therapy for 3 yrs because I knew I had lived more years than I had left & I wanted the final years to count for something positive).  My Mom is very anti-therapy so I did not want her input especially since so much of the work I was doing involved my birth family & all the secrets that had lived in my childhood home.   But that is another story for another time.

Lately, I have been thinking about what it was like to be the crazy version of myself.  How I became crazy, what lead me to crazieness, how I so completely lost sight of my hopes, dreams, & my basic character.  I could easily blame it on others & say I was lead down the path.  But that would be a lie, I walked down the path, albeit encouraged by the people who were in my life at the time & by the circumstances in which I found myself, but I made the decision to take that part of the Journey.  Looking back I really believe if I had missed any part of those years, I would be different now.  I believe I am a better person, more enlightened, more tolerant, more accepting, more loving because I chose to walk a very dark path for a very long time.  I wish I could have found my way sooner, but I truly believe that everything happens in it's perfect time. 

So, lately when I have thought I just might go crazy again sinking into that dark place I know I will not.  I know how to silence the dialogue, make the "click" happen & be safe within myself all by myself.  No outside help, no chemical help.  Just a belief in Great Spirit, the love I have for myself, & the knowledge that I am exactly who I am supposed to be at this moment in time,  exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.   So, while I sometimes want to pack the car, gather up the pupsters & hit the road to find a new adventure I will bide my time & wait for the perfect moment in time to present itself.  I will not go crazy again & I will not rush the destiny of my Journey.

blessed be...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

November 15, 2004

This is one of my favorite photos of my baby brother, Dave (Ada Police Dept Badge #244).  He & his bike were one.  I have never seen anyone sit a bike as beautifully as Dave.  He was truly born to ride, & loved it.  This was his Christmas present to himself before his cancer came back for the last time.  How he loved to ride.  Said it was his therapy, the wind in his face.  His love for riding & blues music gave me the sister of my heart, my sister in love, who now lives in her native New Zealand, Butterflies.  While he was my only sibling I will be forever grateful that I now, thru him, have her in my life.   But that is not what this post is about.

Today, November 15, 2009 is the 5th anniversary of my darlin' little brother's passing to the Other Side.  It has been easier in some ways this year than in the past.  The ache of missing him is still ever present in my heart, but after glancing at the clock this morning & seeing that it was the exact time that he left this Life & my tears flowed from deep within my spirit it has been ok (all my furkids rushed to my side as I began to cry & all three crawled into my lap to offer comfort, love, acceptance.  They knew I was sad & they immediately knew I needed them touching me.  How cool is that !?!?!).  He has been on my heart & in all thoughts all day long but not with uncontrolled sadness just with the longing of missing him. 

Watching my Brother Die

He looked across his desk at me & mouthed the words I did not want to hear "It's back".  I mouthed "Oh, shit". 

Terminal, no cure, no more remissions the Doctors told us. 
6-12 months they said.

So, we made plans to live fully. 
We went to concerts, we went to clubs, we danced, we laughed, we cried,
but we never asked why.

We went to treatments, we went to Key West.  We got second & third opinions.  All the same, nothing more to do. 
Go home. 

We talked, we prayed, we planned his funeral, we decided what we would have for dinner.

He rode til his legs could no longer stand the pain.
He danced even when he had to do it in his wheelchair.
He held court from his bed
His phones were his constant link to the world outside his bedroom walls
but still he never asked why

He called everyone he had ever known.
Made amends as he felt they were needed
Said goodbye
Said I love you
Said I wish...
but he never asked why

He made peace with his Creator
He made peace with his life
He joked
He cried
He lost his mind a time or two
but he never asked why

He said if his having cancer would save one child from being stricken then he would gladly face it all again
He lived on morphine
but he never asked why

He stopped eating
He saw his best friend & his fellow fallen officer come for him on a ship sailing the blue Caribbean waters outside his bedroom window.
He saw our beloved Granddaddy
He saw our childhood dog

He asked why our Daddy never came, & did I think the old man was in Hell.
I told him that Daddy never took us anywhere in life so why would he come for us in death.  My brother laughed & agreed.

He wanted to die at home.
I promised we had been to the hospital for the last time.
That was the only promise I could not keep
In the end, the pain was too great, the seizures too many, he needed to go.
He told me it was okay, that he wanted to go back to hospital.

The last night of his life he again patroled the streets of Ada
Calling for his fellow officers
Protecting them
Then from my Big Guy, my rock came these words when Dave became too agitated
"It's okay, I've got your back"
Calm again
but still he never asked why

The last moments
surrounded by family
surrounded by his brothers & sisters in blue
I sang to him
We all talked to him
He was with us, he was ready
I had already said goodbye, already released his hand
already told him I could not walk the rest of the path that we had been walking together for so long
He had to cross over
So he let go of my hand and with a beautiful smile &
his words "It's okay" spoken in my heart
my brother left.
but he never asked why


I have never asked why either.  I have accepted with blind faith that it was Dave's time.  I didn't & still don't like that fact.  I would give anything, anything to have one more day with my brother.  One more concert, one more dance, one more laugh, one more talk.  But he knew how much I love him.  And one day he will come for me.  And I will know why.

blessed be...