Sunday, November 29, 2009

Long ago, when I was crazy...

Once upon a time so very long ago it seems, I went crazy.  Too much pain, too many disappointments, to unprepared for life & the requiste betrayals that come on the journey toward enlightenment.   It crept so softly into my very existence that parts of it I really didn't even realize until I was sane again.  Looking back on some of it was so very painful.  Most of it was as if it had happened to someone else, as I look back.  I never forgot any of it though.  Never have been able to forget who I was when I was crazy, the things I did, the behavior.  Would I have been better off if all the memories had faded quietly away never to have been remembered? No, I think it is good that I to this day remember what it was like when I went crazy, the downward spiral into that dark place.  Because if I didn't remember it all I could very easily slip back into crazieness.  Crazieness is a part of my DNA. 

I refer to the crazy one as my evil twin.  Then & now I call her DB (my initials during the darkest period of my life).   She was so out of control, so angry, so hostile.  A hard-drinker, a partier, willing to try almost any drug that came down the pike.  The line was drawn at anything that required a needle, but she thought about it.  Anything to stop the dialogue in her head, anything to hear the "click" in her head so she could just be-be still, be quiet, be or try to be safe.  But it wasn't safe in my home, the now ex (my beloved Cowboy) became my tormenter, my abuser, the one who I lived with in fear.  Constant fear.  The one who raped me, the one who hit me, the one who belittled me, the one who robbed me of my trust, the one who took away the last shreds of my self-confidence & self-respect.  To this day it is very hard for me to trust a man.  I guarded myself so carefully for so many years before I would even allow myself to date again.  Then that guy let me down, too.  Never raised a hand to me, never raised his voice, but he broke my heart by leaving me because he got scared of the relationship.  That broken heart sent me back into a spiral of depression.  Didn't go back to the the substance abuse (I have been clean & sober for 15 yrs on Jan. 2nd, 2010), but I hid in a very dark place & the fear of losing all I had gained in the years I had spent alone becoming so much more enlightened, learning to live inside my own skin sent me into intense therapy.  Only my brother knew at first that I was working with a therapist (I worked in therapy for 3 yrs because I knew I had lived more years than I had left & I wanted the final years to count for something positive).  My Mom is very anti-therapy so I did not want her input especially since so much of the work I was doing involved my birth family & all the secrets that had lived in my childhood home.   But that is another story for another time.

Lately, I have been thinking about what it was like to be the crazy version of myself.  How I became crazy, what lead me to crazieness, how I so completely lost sight of my hopes, dreams, & my basic character.  I could easily blame it on others & say I was lead down the path.  But that would be a lie, I walked down the path, albeit encouraged by the people who were in my life at the time & by the circumstances in which I found myself, but I made the decision to take that part of the Journey.  Looking back I really believe if I had missed any part of those years, I would be different now.  I believe I am a better person, more enlightened, more tolerant, more accepting, more loving because I chose to walk a very dark path for a very long time.  I wish I could have found my way sooner, but I truly believe that everything happens in it's perfect time. 

So, lately when I have thought I just might go crazy again sinking into that dark place I know I will not.  I know how to silence the dialogue, make the "click" happen & be safe within myself all by myself.  No outside help, no chemical help.  Just a belief in Great Spirit, the love I have for myself, & the knowledge that I am exactly who I am supposed to be at this moment in time,  exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.   So, while I sometimes want to pack the car, gather up the pupsters & hit the road to find a new adventure I will bide my time & wait for the perfect moment in time to present itself.  I will not go crazy again & I will not rush the destiny of my Journey.

blessed be...


Territory Mom said...

When I read your posts all I can think of is Wow!. She knows me. I swear we must have been separted at birth. Love you

Linda Pendleton said...

What you wrote is beautiful. You have taken responsibility, let go of victimhood, and empowered yourself. Good for you. Healing and life happens when it is supposed to.

Have a happy holiday, and wishing you a happy and healthy and joyous New Year!