Sunday, November 15, 2009

November 15, 2004

This is one of my favorite photos of my baby brother, Dave (Ada Police Dept Badge #244).  He & his bike were one.  I have never seen anyone sit a bike as beautifully as Dave.  He was truly born to ride, & loved it.  This was his Christmas present to himself before his cancer came back for the last time.  How he loved to ride.  Said it was his therapy, the wind in his face.  His love for riding & blues music gave me the sister of my heart, my sister in love, who now lives in her native New Zealand, Butterflies.  While he was my only sibling I will be forever grateful that I now, thru him, have her in my life.   But that is not what this post is about.

Today, November 15, 2009 is the 5th anniversary of my darlin' little brother's passing to the Other Side.  It has been easier in some ways this year than in the past.  The ache of missing him is still ever present in my heart, but after glancing at the clock this morning & seeing that it was the exact time that he left this Life & my tears flowed from deep within my spirit it has been ok (all my furkids rushed to my side as I began to cry & all three crawled into my lap to offer comfort, love, acceptance.  They knew I was sad & they immediately knew I needed them touching me.  How cool is that !?!?!).  He has been on my heart & in all thoughts all day long but not with uncontrolled sadness just with the longing of missing him. 

Watching my Brother Die

He looked across his desk at me & mouthed the words I did not want to hear "It's back".  I mouthed "Oh, shit". 

Terminal, no cure, no more remissions the Doctors told us. 
6-12 months they said.

So, we made plans to live fully. 
We went to concerts, we went to clubs, we danced, we laughed, we cried,
but we never asked why.

We went to treatments, we went to Key West.  We got second & third opinions.  All the same, nothing more to do. 
Go home. 

We talked, we prayed, we planned his funeral, we decided what we would have for dinner.

He rode til his legs could no longer stand the pain.
He danced even when he had to do it in his wheelchair.
He held court from his bed
His phones were his constant link to the world outside his bedroom walls
but still he never asked why

He called everyone he had ever known.
Made amends as he felt they were needed
Said goodbye
Said I love you
Said I wish...
but he never asked why

He made peace with his Creator
He made peace with his life
He joked
He cried
He lost his mind a time or two
but he never asked why

He said if his having cancer would save one child from being stricken then he would gladly face it all again
He lived on morphine
but he never asked why

He stopped eating
He saw his best friend & his fellow fallen officer come for him on a ship sailing the blue Caribbean waters outside his bedroom window.
He saw our beloved Granddaddy
He saw our childhood dog

He asked why our Daddy never came, & did I think the old man was in Hell.
I told him that Daddy never took us anywhere in life so why would he come for us in death.  My brother laughed & agreed.

He wanted to die at home.
I promised we had been to the hospital for the last time.
That was the only promise I could not keep
In the end, the pain was too great, the seizures too many, he needed to go.
He told me it was okay, that he wanted to go back to hospital.

The last night of his life he again patroled the streets of Ada
Calling for his fellow officers
Protecting them
Then from my Big Guy, my rock came these words when Dave became too agitated
"It's okay, I've got your back"
Calm again
but still he never asked why

The last moments
surrounded by family
surrounded by his brothers & sisters in blue
I sang to him
We all talked to him
He was with us, he was ready
I had already said goodbye, already released his hand
already told him I could not walk the rest of the path that we had been walking together for so long
He had to cross over
So he let go of my hand and with a beautiful smile &
his words "It's okay" spoken in my heart
my brother left.
but he never asked why


I have never asked why either.  I have accepted with blind faith that it was Dave's time.  I didn't & still don't like that fact.  I would give anything, anything to have one more day with my brother.  One more concert, one more dance, one more laugh, one more talk.  But he knew how much I love him.  And one day he will come for me.  And I will know why.

blessed be...


jenX said...

i wish i could be with you today - to hold your hand and most of all, listen to your stories. you were an amazing sister - a role model for me.

T.R. said...

What a phenomenal tribute Donis!

miruspeg said...

That was the most MOVING tribute I have ever read Oklahoma Girl!
So full of love.
May you always be blessed with love and light because you are such a beautiful soul.

PS I am a very good friend of JenX

Elizabeth said...

That was beautiful and heartbreaking. So much about life is. Lifting you up.

butterflies said...

I just came back to re read this and saw that my comment on the day was not there..I dont know what happened to it.

I miss Dave too.He was such a staunch heart brother to me.
I will always remember when he turned to me and said with his southern drawl " Im dying Kiwi"
Yes you are I said.
It was the first time he had said it out loud..from then on it was full steam ahead.Living!!!
I miss you my sister.And Im so glad that we had James and Dave to guide us and go ahead for us.
We are so honored.
Love you so much xoxox