November 15, 2004

This is one of my favorite photos of my baby brother, Dave (Ada Police Dept Badge #244).  He & his bike were one.  I have never seen anyone sit a bike as beautifully as Dave.  He was truly born to ride, & loved it.  This was his Christmas present to himself before his cancer came back for the last time.  How he loved to ride.  Said it was his therapy, the wind in his face.  His love for riding & blues music gave me the sister of my heart, my sister in love, who now lives in her native New Zealand, Butterflies.  While he was my only sibling I will be forever grateful that I now, thru him, have her in my life.   But that is not what this post is about.

Today, November 15, 2009 is the 5th anniversary of my darlin' little brother's passing to the Other Side.  It has been easier in some ways this year than in the past.  The ache of missing him is still ever present in my heart, but after glancing at the clock this morning & seeing that it was the exact time that he left this Life & my tears flowed from deep within my spirit it has been ok (all my furkids rushed to my side as I began to cry & all three crawled into my lap to offer comfort, love, acceptance.  They knew I was sad & they immediately knew I needed them touching me.  How cool is that !?!?!).  He has been on my heart & in all thoughts all day long but not with uncontrolled sadness just with the longing of missing him. 

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Watching my Brother Die

He looked across his desk at me & mouthed the words I did not want to hear "It's back".  I mouthed "Oh, shit". 

Terminal, no cure, no more remissions the Doctors told us. 

6-12 months they said.

So, we made plans to live fully. 

We went to concerts, we went to clubs, we danced, we laughed, we cried,

but we never asked why.

We went to treatments, we went to Key West.  We got second & third opinions.  All the same, nothing more to do. 

Go home. 

We talked, we prayed, we planned his funeral, we decided what we would have for dinner.

He rode til his legs could no longer stand the pain.

He danced even when he had to do it in his wheelchair.

He held court from his bed

His phones were his constant link to the world outside his bedroom walls

but still he never asked why

He called everyone he had ever known.

Made amends as he felt they were needed

Said goodbye

Said I love you

Said I wish...

but he never asked why

He made peace with his Creator

He made peace with his life

He joked

He cried

He lost his mind a time or two

but he never asked why

He said if his having cancer would save one child from being stricken then he would gladly face it all again

He lived on morphine

but he never asked why

He stopped eating

He saw his best friend & his fellow fallen officer come for him on a ship sailing the blue Caribbean waters outside his bedroom window.

He saw our beloved Granddaddy

He saw our childhood dog

He asked why our Daddy never came, & did I think the old man was in Hell.

I told him that Daddy never took us anywhere in life so why would he come for us in death.  My brother laughed & agreed.

He wanted to die at home.

I promised we had been to the hospital for the last time.

That was the only promise I could not keep

In the end, the pain was too great, the seizures too many, he needed to go.

He told me it was okay, that he wanted to go back to hospital.

The last night of his life he again patroled the streets of Ada

Calling for his fellow officers

Protecting them

Then from my Big Guy, my rock came these words when Dave became too agitated
"It's okay, I've got your back"

Calm again

but still he never asked why

The last moments

surrounded by family

surrounded by his brothers & sisters in blue

I sang to him

We all talked to him

He was with us, he was ready

I had already said goodbye, already released his hand

already told him I could not walk the rest of the path that we had been walking together for so long

He had to cross over

So he let go of my hand and with a beautiful smile &

his words "It's okay" spoken in my heart

my brother left.

but he never asked why

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I have never asked why either.  I have accepted with blind faith that it was Dave's time.  I didn't & still don't like that fact.  I would give anything, anything to have one more day with my brother.  One more concert, one more dance, one more laugh, one more talk.  But he knew how much I love him.  And one day he will come for me.  And I will know why.

blessed be...