Tuesday, May 25, 2010

This ain't my first rodeo...

cowgirl request rodeo Images

One of my favorite sayings.  Seems to be appropo in most of my life situations.  I was reflecting on this one day last week when I was facing a situation (nothing serious) where I bit my tongue not to say "This ain't my first rodeo".  How true, how true.  My life has been one "rodeo" after another.  Cowboys, horses (including the iron ones), cattle stampedes, storms, bad guys, oil field workers, saloon girls, the "law", moves across the Country dragging all I owned with me (leaving some along the way). 

Back in the day, I dated a bull rider (he was also a tool pusher with an oil company) & then a calf roper (worked on a ranch).  We hauled to rodeos all over.  Bull riders are crazy.  They have to be. LOL  He failed to give me an important piece of information however---married w/kids.  When I found out (he gave me his home phone number -what a fool- & the wife answered one night), & he finally got me to talk to him,  he told me "I knew if I told you I was married you wouldn't go out with me".  Duh!!  Calf roper was at least single.  Just not stable boyfriend or husband material.  That relationship lasted about 6 seconds.  Then there was the biker who rode a Harley.  Found out he was a member of the KKK.  Ran for the nearest exit on that one too.  He never knew I found out.  

The storms have been of the emotional sort.  They come along in everyone's life.  It is not so much the damage from the storm as how you weather it.   I have weathered them well as it turns out.  Not always so sure when I was in the midst of it all, but looking back it's all good because I walked out with my life, dignity, & self-respect.  I have been battered & bruised but I have not been beaten.  Life has handed me some struggles but I am who I am because of them.  I am a better woman than I could have ever hoped to be if I had not faced adversity. 

I have been considering undergoing hypnosis to try & remember all that I cannot remember of my childhood.  I have very few memories of my years before my late teens early 20's.  Just bits & pieces of things that float up now & again.  Most of my childhood I rebuilt based on talks I had with my brother & things he remembered (he had a very good memory of our childhood, but I am 5 yrs older).  I just cannot remember anything, never could.  I really would like some questions answered but I wonder if knowing would be worse than not remembering.   I just don't know.  I have survived alot in adulthood, & I remember all of it.  Maybe it just isn't important to remember anything else.  Maybe it is all buried in the deep recesses of my mind for a reason.   So, no decision on the hypnosis.  Sometimes I want to, sometimes I say Nay just let it lie.

Yep, this ain't my first rodeo.  And, it won't be my last.  Whatever comes along I know I can not only handle it, I can survive it. 

~~blessed be...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Talking to my angel

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."--Buddha


My brother played this song for me one afternoon as we were driving home from OKC. He told me he wanted it played at his funeral, & it was. The words speak to me on so many levels. And for some reason when I read the quote above I thought of this song. I think it's because I have health, I am content (as was my brother even when he knew he was terminal), & while neither of us were successful at marriage I know that both of us have/had successful relationships because we are faithful friends.

Yesterday, I got a call from my Big Guy in Seattle to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It was a very nice surprise. He had spoken with his aunt & since his cousin was there they chatted also. As he was concluding our chat, he said "I love you. I told my cousin that we may disagree, argue, etc but I love you & I hope you know that." I told him that I do know that, it is the constant that has been in my life since I was 14. I have never doubted his love. We can't seem to make a life together come together but I have no doubt of his love for me. I love him also. It is the longest relationship of my life, the only truly successful relationship I have ever had with a guy--44 years this Fall. We probably would have destroyed each other if we had actually married that long ago--we were two damaged people who had to find our way to contentment & peace. Don't think we could have done it together because the Journey has lead us down very different paths. Sometimes the paths have converged but mostly not. I cherish him in my life. Someday who knows what may happen, but he is my rock, someone I can call in the middle of the night & he will wake up & be there for me. He would catch a plane on a moment's notice to be with me if I needed him. All I have to do is ask. I am blessed to have him in my life.

So, I sometimes lament my failed marriages. But I have good, strong relationships with people. Relationships with friends who truly know me, they "get" me, they accept the authentic me. And, I feel the same about them. So, in that context, I am successful. I am content in my life, with the mistakes I have made, with the Path I am now walking in my Journey. Therefore, I may lack material wealth, but I am wealthy beyond measure. I am blessed with good health despite my own attempts to abuse body & mind in my youth. Sleeping with a CPAP machine & taking thyroid meds every day are just inconsequencial when others suffer so much. I am a blessed woman & I know it. I thank Great Spirit everyday for all that has been given me.

"I've been talking to my angel, and he says that it's alright"

~~blessed be...

MCLinky Monday


A - Age: 58

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: dusting - a necessary evil

D - Dog(s') name: Lobo, Scrappy, & Zane

E - Essential start your day item: Caffiene

F - Favorite color: Red

G - Gold or Silver or Platinum: Silver

H - Height: 5'7"

I - Instruments you play(ed): zilch, zero, nada, not a one

J - Job title: Administrative Assistant/Office Mgr

K - Kid(s): Son age 33

L - Living arrangements: House w/ 3 dogs

M - Mom's name: LaDell

N - Nicknames: Sweet Thang, "D", Wild Child

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Wisdom teeth extracted, complete hysterectomy (after going through menopause--WHAT THE HECK is up with THAT?!?!?!?!!)

P - Pet Peeve: People who DO NOT use their turn signals.

Q - Quote from a movie/show: "there are people in this world to save you when you need saving, to cover your ass when it needs covering, and who are always there when you need someone to lean on"--The YaYa Sisterhood

R - Right handed or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: One brother

T - Time you wake up: 5:30am-6:00am on weekdays; 7:00am-8:00am on weekends

U- Underwear: Yeah, yeah.  I live in a smalltown, just one accident & the tongues would wag for a month if I didn't

V - Vegetable you dislike: Beets

W - Why you run late: I don't

X - X-rays you've had: Teeth, back, shoulder, chest, collarbone

Y - Yummy food you make: Key Lime Pie

Z - Zoo favorite: I don't visit zoos anymore.  I do go to animal sanctuaries especially the ones that rescue wolves (my Totem animal)

~~blessed be...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Ramblings on a Thursday morning...

I'm an Oklahoma Girl

Red dirt courses thru my veins
Ya’ll falls softly from my lips
I talk slow, no sign of a drawl
But I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I love the smell of new mown hay
I can tell you what kind of cow is in that field
I can drive a John Deere
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I wear boots & jeans with diamond rings
I am at home in lace & pearls
I learned to drive in an old Chevy truck
Bumping over ruts in a pasture
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve shoveled out cow barns
I can milk by hand
I’ve hoed the garden
I’ve watched the dehorning
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve fed the calves
I’ve watered the horses
I’ve called the cows in to be milked
I’ve called the dog to kill a snake
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I drink coffee from Starbucks
I shop at Whole Foods
I’ve traveled the country
I’ve searched for an identity
I’ve found my way home
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I lived in big cities far from the hills
Saw mountains that touched the sky
Walked in the shadows far from the light
Always an Oklahoma Girl

I lived a fast life
I rode the back of a Harley
But nothing compared to riding my pony
I’ve climbed the Cascades, topped the Rockies
But, nothing compared to seeing the Arbuckles in the summer sun
wildflowers gracing the centuries old rocky face
I am, after all, an Oklahoma Girl

Neon lit many a sky
Turned night into day
Sounds of traffic played a sweet song
Sounds of the city both night & day
But, I am an Oklahoma Girl

Thunderheads come up far to the west
Lightening dances
Thunder booms far off in the distance
The clouds are black turning to green
I am an Oklahoma Girl taught to read the signs

Spring is upon us
Tornados are a part of our existence
Don't head for the cellar
Stand on the porch & watch it unfold
I'm an Oklahoma Girl

It's hailing they said that Oregon afternoon
Our cars will be dented
Our insurance is doomed
What, that's not hail I shouted
Pea-sized , HA HA
Don't call me til it's at least golfball.
Silly, people
I'm an Oklahoma Girl & I know hail

I’ve watched the sun set on Key West
But nothing can match the colors of pink, purple & gold
when the sun sets on the Oklahoma horizon
Nothing compares to the night the full moon graces an Oklahoma sky
The stars dance thru the heavens
The night birds call
A soft breeze blows thru my hair
I smell the honeysuckle, the roses
I let out a long breath, I am home

I am an Oklahoma Girl

~~blessed be...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

There is no death

"Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.
~~ Lao Tzu "

                                Dave                 James         Bev


This picture was taken on a very happy night at Charlies Last Stand in OKC.  Dave & James were both terminal with the same cancer.  Bev, James' wife, is my heart-sister - the one who best understands, the one with whom I share a history of so much.   Dave brought these people into my life.  I guess he knew that Bev & I would need each other to lean on through the years we have left to walk through this life. 

Several weeks ago James came to me in my dreams.  I had been going through a rocky spot.  Nothing too serious, just a bit of discontent.  Trying to figure out what to do next with my life.  Then, there was James.  It was a beautiful visit, brought me much peace, & while I am still interpreting some of the message I have been much more myself-peaceful, spirit-filled, joyful, happy.

Last Sunday I was mowing the yard.  I had moved to the backyard & was running around the grass on my Yardman Bug (small riding mower) with my mind very quiet just enjoying the day (I meditate quiet often on the mower-the hum of the engine quiets my Spirit & mind).  Then out the corner of my eye as I made a turn I caught the movement of the door opening that leads from the garage to the patio.  I kinda jumped then realized it was my brother, Dave.  He was there but a moment standing on my patio.  As he did in life, & now from the Other Side, he spoke in my heart.  Just checking in, I'm ok. Me, too I said out loud.  I miss you. Love ya, bro! And he was gone in a heartbeat.  Back I am sure to riding that Harley that I promised he would climb on when he crossed over.

It had been awhile since I had seen Dave.  Strange, I had just mentioned to Sparky a couple of days before that I see dead people quite often (although I do not believe they are dead, just crossed over to the Other Side living the next Adventure), that I hear Spirits talking to me, I have visons, & get messages, but over the last several years nothing from Dave.  Guess my little brother had to prove me wrong (he liked to do that). 

After that visit something shifted within me.  I think it was a complete, final settling of my Spirit that had not yet occured after Dave crossed over.   It was as if something actually lifted from within me.  Like a deep, cleansing breath.  A reminder of what I have always believed...there is no death, no ending of a Spirit.  We leave the body that no longer serves us in human form behind, but we-the True essence of us, our Spirit- continue to live.  We cross over to the Other Side.  The home from which we came when we decided to have a human experience.  We are all Spiritual beings who have always lived.  We will always be alive.  Do we reincarnate & live many human lives?  I have no answer for that.  I have, all my life, experienced de ja vu.  I have, in the past, gotten what I thought was a glimpse of a past life.  Where I lived, who I was in an abstract sort of way.  I have felt I walked a particular street before, in a place where I had never been in this life.  So, that will be an answer I will get as my Journey continues.  I like the concept of reincarnation.  I understand the need to "get it right" as we walk through our lives.  Do we get chances for do overs when we cross over with mistakes, missteps still on our hearts?  I don't know, but I wouldn't mind being able to take all I have learned in this Journey & apply it to another Journey.   All I do know is this...death of the body is not death of the Spirit.  There is much between the seen & unseen worlds.  And I believe deeply in the unseen.  I have felt it all my life.

I will miss my brother & James, & all the others who have gone before until I am again united with them on the Other Side.  But, I will grieve no more.  I will remember, I will honor their lives.  I will laugh at the funny memories.  I will cry at the unfairness of lives cut too short, too soon.  But, I am alive.  My Journey is not yet over.  I have much to do.   Places to go, people to see, destiny to fulfill, lives to impact.  I have much left to accomplish.  James & Dave have reminded me of that.

Thanks my brothers!!  Til we meet again, on the Other Side...or the next time you know I need a visit.

~~blessed be...