Thursday, December 31, 2009

We'll tip a cup of kindness...

For Auld Lang Syne

As 2009 comes rapidly to an end & the promise of 2010 looms on the horizon, I stop and reflect on all the wonder that has been the past year.  New friends, reconnecting with old friends, moving on, moving forward, really hungering for a more peaceful, enlightened, purposeful life.  Now, with less than 3 hrs before the New Year rings in, I am drawn to reflection.   I did not accomplish all that I wanted, but I will accomplish more in the new year.  I may never accomplish all that I want before my life in this world ends, but so long as I Ieave each day better than I found it I will be satisfied. 

I find myself hearing the words that have been spoken to me by psychics "You are a healer" & I think of the saying "Physician heal thyself".  That is what I have been doing, healing myself for several years now.  I hope that in that time & with the example of my own healing I have healed others in some way.   It has taken me many years to fully understand that prophecy of healing.  At one time I thought it might mean the laying on of hands kind of healing.  It did not & I was ok with that.  I really believe it means the kind of healing that comes from truly  listening to others, feeling their pain, accepting them without judgement, & having true compassion for their plight.  I have walked so many roads in my Journey that it is not hard to place myself in the shoes of another & to have understanding, compassion, & acceptance.  I know how much heartache can come from just living your life, but I know that no matter the pain the joy makes it all worthwhile.  Joy that comes in the simple everyday parts of life.  The smile of a child, the voice of a loved one, a touch, a glance, a chance encounter that changes the course of your day & sometimes even your life.  

So, I look forward to 2010 with great anticipation.  I really don't make resolutions.  They always seemed so shallow in some way.  But, as I said earlier today, I will strive to "dance" every day.  Dance in my heart, let my Spirit dance freely, dance around my house.  I will do this to honor a life cut short because I still live & live is what he would want me to do.  Live fully, live freely, live with purpose, but mostly live with great love & love with complete abandon.

"Life may not be what we expected, but we can still dance"...anonymous



blessed be...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas on a snowy Christmas Eve

These are the views from my front & back doors right now.  Scrappy just thought he had to go outside & check out the snow, until he found out how cold it really is out there (28 degrees right now & dropping).

I haven't seen snow like this in years & certainly not in Oklahoma.  We had these kind of days in Oregon & Missouri.


Well, I don't send Christmas cards so this will be my greeting to all of you during this glorious season.  I will call it my "Christmas Letter to my friends"

This has been a wonderful year for me personally.  I have made new friends & reconnected with old friends.  I have to give the credit for the reconnecting to my new friends, Tim, Jen, Barry, & Rhonda.  Meeting them, first through our blogs then in person, gave me the courage to reconnect with people with whom I went to high school, to really use my Facebook page.  I think it was because of their immediate acceptance of me just as I am, feeling like I could be totally honest about myself & still be accepted that made it ok for me to reconnect & be honest about my life with people who knew the young girl that I used to be.  It has been interesting to get their perspective of me then & find that they like me now.  Guess I should have trusted that would happen sooner, but I believe everything happens as it should as well as for a reason.  I believe in fate, destiny, & pre-ordained events. 

This has been a year that I have not been happy professionally, but I have learned alot in that unhappiness.  I have learned that I can tolerate alot of stuff & never lose my temper.  Oh, I mutter to myself & have elaborate conversations in my head with my boss-I tell him off quite often that way, but I never lose it with him.  I try to understand what is going on with him, & quite honestly I am worried about the old guy.  I am really afraid something is wrong with him healthwise. So, I tolerate behavior that in other days I would have handled with much less grace.  So, I must thank the Universe for putting me in the situation that has taught me to have more grace.

The relationship with my Mother is still "strange", but I accept that it always will be.  Sometimes she hovers, sometimes she ignores, sometimes she irritates, sometimes I just shake my head.  It can all be best summed up in the words of my brother when someone told us what a wonderful, sweet, lovely Mom we had.  He looked at me & said "Don't they know the old lady is crazy?" 

My son has his own business now, my daughter-in-law is still able to be a stay-at-home Mom, the little ones are happy, healthy, bright, & the joy of my life. 

I moved into a new house in July as most of you know.  I am so blessed to have found it.  I now have space to really live in my home.  I enjoy cooking & now have a kitchen large enough in which to cook.  I have come out the other end from the fiasco that was the closing of the company & loss of the job that brought me here.  I have finally paid off all the bills that I got behind on when I was off work.  I have a little extra jingle in the pocket of my jeans each month.

I'm still with Sparky.  I guess we will stay together this time, but who knows for sure.  While he is not the love of my life he is a very good friend, looks out for me, & has a very good heart.  He is a good man, not the usual "bad boy" or "damaged goods" I have fallen for in the past.  I guess I have entered a new chapter -- The Good Man.  We will never be head over heels in love, but there is something to be said for a stable companion.  I tell people we are not "in a relationship" because we are friends not lovers.  I know that he loves me as much as he understands that emotion.  I still think my brother told him to take care of me.  He does a good job of that.  I often thank Great Spirit for him being back in my life.  And after the way we ended several years ago, Sparky is lucky I took him back.   But, I must admit that ending is what allowed me to experience some amazing personal growth, not to mention being able to devote myself to my brother & his life.  So, it is all good.

Big Guy, my high school sweetheart, is still in my life also.  We talk on the phone from time to time.  I haven't been to Seattle in 4 yrs now.  He is having some health concerns, had a couple of small strokes, heart trouble (they found blockage & he will go in the hospital after the first of the year to find out where & what to do), & diabetes.  I worry about him, but he is losing weight & cutting back on his NRA teaching.  Good friends are hard to come by so I appreciate the ones I have.

I am no longer "running scared", no longer looking over my shoulder in fear that that Cowboy, my abusive ex, will find me.  After almost 16 yrs, I think he has quit looking.  I hope he has found some peace within himself.  But, most importantly I have found peace within myself.  I am whole again, centered, & balanced.  I just plain got tired of living in fear.  Fear of the what if.  Whatever is going to happen will happen, I know that.  So, it is best that I live fully, freely.  The day I decided that a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

So, while the blizzard rages outside my door, I find the beauty in the scene.  Glad I am safe & warm inside with the pupsters, my three little wigglebutts who bring such joy & shower me with unconditional love. 

As the snow falls, my wish for each of you is more love than your heart can hold, peace within yourself, people who give you unconditional love & acceptance, & the joy of knowing Great Spirit.  As we approach Christmas Day remember the true reason for the season, pray for peace on earth, & practice goodwill toward all men. 


blessed be...


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Long ago, when I was crazy...

Once upon a time so very long ago it seems, I went crazy.  Too much pain, too many disappointments, to unprepared for life & the requiste betrayals that come on the journey toward enlightenment.   It crept so softly into my very existence that parts of it I really didn't even realize until I was sane again.  Looking back on some of it was so very painful.  Most of it was as if it had happened to someone else, as I look back.  I never forgot any of it though.  Never have been able to forget who I was when I was crazy, the things I did, the behavior.  Would I have been better off if all the memories had faded quietly away never to have been remembered? No, I think it is good that I to this day remember what it was like when I went crazy, the downward spiral into that dark place.  Because if I didn't remember it all I could very easily slip back into crazieness.  Crazieness is a part of my DNA. 

I refer to the crazy one as my evil twin.  Then & now I call her DB (my initials during the darkest period of my life).   She was so out of control, so angry, so hostile.  A hard-drinker, a partier, willing to try almost any drug that came down the pike.  The line was drawn at anything that required a needle, but she thought about it.  Anything to stop the dialogue in her head, anything to hear the "click" in her head so she could just be-be still, be quiet, be or try to be safe.  But it wasn't safe in my home, the now ex (my beloved Cowboy) became my tormenter, my abuser, the one who I lived with in fear.  Constant fear.  The one who raped me, the one who hit me, the one who belittled me, the one who robbed me of my trust, the one who took away the last shreds of my self-confidence & self-respect.  To this day it is very hard for me to trust a man.  I guarded myself so carefully for so many years before I would even allow myself to date again.  Then that guy let me down, too.  Never raised a hand to me, never raised his voice, but he broke my heart by leaving me because he got scared of the relationship.  That broken heart sent me back into a spiral of depression.  Didn't go back to the the substance abuse (I have been clean & sober for 15 yrs on Jan. 2nd, 2010), but I hid in a very dark place & the fear of losing all I had gained in the years I had spent alone becoming so much more enlightened, learning to live inside my own skin sent me into intense therapy.  Only my brother knew at first that I was working with a therapist (I worked in therapy for 3 yrs because I knew I had lived more years than I had left & I wanted the final years to count for something positive).  My Mom is very anti-therapy so I did not want her input especially since so much of the work I was doing involved my birth family & all the secrets that had lived in my childhood home.   But that is another story for another time.

Lately, I have been thinking about what it was like to be the crazy version of myself.  How I became crazy, what lead me to crazieness, how I so completely lost sight of my hopes, dreams, & my basic character.  I could easily blame it on others & say I was lead down the path.  But that would be a lie, I walked down the path, albeit encouraged by the people who were in my life at the time & by the circumstances in which I found myself, but I made the decision to take that part of the Journey.  Looking back I really believe if I had missed any part of those years, I would be different now.  I believe I am a better person, more enlightened, more tolerant, more accepting, more loving because I chose to walk a very dark path for a very long time.  I wish I could have found my way sooner, but I truly believe that everything happens in it's perfect time. 

So, lately when I have thought I just might go crazy again sinking into that dark place I know I will not.  I know how to silence the dialogue, make the "click" happen & be safe within myself all by myself.  No outside help, no chemical help.  Just a belief in Great Spirit, the love I have for myself, & the knowledge that I am exactly who I am supposed to be at this moment in time,  exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.   So, while I sometimes want to pack the car, gather up the pupsters & hit the road to find a new adventure I will bide my time & wait for the perfect moment in time to present itself.  I will not go crazy again & I will not rush the destiny of my Journey.

blessed be...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

November 15, 2004

This is one of my favorite photos of my baby brother, Dave (Ada Police Dept Badge #244).  He & his bike were one.  I have never seen anyone sit a bike as beautifully as Dave.  He was truly born to ride, & loved it.  This was his Christmas present to himself before his cancer came back for the last time.  How he loved to ride.  Said it was his therapy, the wind in his face.  His love for riding & blues music gave me the sister of my heart, my sister in love, who now lives in her native New Zealand, Butterflies.  While he was my only sibling I will be forever grateful that I now, thru him, have her in my life.   But that is not what this post is about.

Today, November 15, 2009 is the 5th anniversary of my darlin' little brother's passing to the Other Side.  It has been easier in some ways this year than in the past.  The ache of missing him is still ever present in my heart, but after glancing at the clock this morning & seeing that it was the exact time that he left this Life & my tears flowed from deep within my spirit it has been ok (all my furkids rushed to my side as I began to cry & all three crawled into my lap to offer comfort, love, acceptance.  They knew I was sad & they immediately knew I needed them touching me.  How cool is that !?!?!).  He has been on my heart & in all thoughts all day long but not with uncontrolled sadness just with the longing of missing him. 

Watching my Brother Die

He looked across his desk at me & mouthed the words I did not want to hear "It's back".  I mouthed "Oh, shit". 

Terminal, no cure, no more remissions the Doctors told us. 
6-12 months they said.

So, we made plans to live fully. 
We went to concerts, we went to clubs, we danced, we laughed, we cried,
but we never asked why.

We went to treatments, we went to Key West.  We got second & third opinions.  All the same, nothing more to do. 
Go home. 

We talked, we prayed, we planned his funeral, we decided what we would have for dinner.

He rode til his legs could no longer stand the pain.
He danced even when he had to do it in his wheelchair.
He held court from his bed
His phones were his constant link to the world outside his bedroom walls
but still he never asked why

He called everyone he had ever known.
Made amends as he felt they were needed
Said goodbye
Said I love you
Said I wish...
but he never asked why

He made peace with his Creator
He made peace with his life
He joked
He cried
He lost his mind a time or two
but he never asked why

He said if his having cancer would save one child from being stricken then he would gladly face it all again
He lived on morphine
but he never asked why

He stopped eating
He saw his best friend & his fellow fallen officer come for him on a ship sailing the blue Caribbean waters outside his bedroom window.
He saw our beloved Granddaddy
He saw our childhood dog

He asked why our Daddy never came, & did I think the old man was in Hell.
I told him that Daddy never took us anywhere in life so why would he come for us in death.  My brother laughed & agreed.

He wanted to die at home.
I promised we had been to the hospital for the last time.
That was the only promise I could not keep
In the end, the pain was too great, the seizures too many, he needed to go.
He told me it was okay, that he wanted to go back to hospital.

The last night of his life he again patroled the streets of Ada
Calling for his fellow officers
Protecting them
Then from my Big Guy, my rock came these words when Dave became too agitated
"It's okay, I've got your back"
Calm again
but still he never asked why

The last moments
surrounded by family
surrounded by his brothers & sisters in blue
I sang to him
We all talked to him
He was with us, he was ready
I had already said goodbye, already released his hand
already told him I could not walk the rest of the path that we had been walking together for so long
He had to cross over
So he let go of my hand and with a beautiful smile &
his words "It's okay" spoken in my heart
my brother left.
but he never asked why


I have never asked why either.  I have accepted with blind faith that it was Dave's time.  I didn't & still don't like that fact.  I would give anything, anything to have one more day with my brother.  One more concert, one more dance, one more laugh, one more talk.  But he knew how much I love him.  And one day he will come for me.  And I will know why.

blessed be...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Woman, honor thyself...


by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.


Today, tomorrow, every minute, every time you feel life is getting you down are PHENOMENAL!!! always, in every way.  Honor yourself!!!

blessed be...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

For Jen

Me & Jen

I just love this girl!!  She is such a lovely young woman: kind, compassionate, loving, giving, radiant.  A gifted writer with much to say.  Jen writes from a very special place deep within.  She is the heartbeat & voice of GenX.  Be sure you visit her blog at  She epitomizes Christianity at its best.  She is a fabulous mother with beautiful, happy, well-adjusted, loving children.  Not to mention a wonderful wife with the husband Great Spirit intended for her.  She has blessed my life so much.  We connected through our blogs & when we met it was like sitting down with an old friend I had not seen for awhile.  Cannot wait to get together again.  This post is for her.


In response to my last post --

jenX said...

if you had a 12-year-old daughter and only a week to live what would you tell her? i'm not dying or anything, but bombarded by the thought that my daughter will spring from home in six or seven fast years.

Well, if I had a 12-yr old daughter & a week to live there would so many things that would go through my mind about preparing her for life beyond age 12, life faced without my influence.  I would think about all the milestones to come in her life that I would miss & the things that I would want to say at each of those milestones.  I think all of those pieces of wisdom, suggestions, hopes, instructions boil down to the following.

  • Find your passion & live it.  If you are passionate about what you do, you will be successful.  Maybe not in society's estimation, but your life will be meaningful & fulfulling.
  • Never, never allow yourself to be defined by a man.  Your identity is your own, no one can give that to you or take that away from you.
  • Always have your own money.  Keep money that is yours separate.  It may be money you earned or inherited, but always have enough money of your own to be independent.  Should the unexpected happen you will be able to take care of yourself & your family, if you have one.
  • Get an education.  It may not be a formal college degree, but be educated.  Whatever it is you choose to do as a living outside your home, learn all you can & stay current with the knowledge, even if you are not actively working in that field.  You might be a stay at home mom, but keep up with your chosen career.  You never know when you might have to rejoin the workforce.  Make sure your skills stay current.
  • Always see the wonder in life.   Be in awe of the beauty of a sunrise, sunset, thunderstorm, the night sky, a bright sunny day.  Rejoice in the miracle of birth whether it be a child or an animal.  See the beauty in a smile.
  • In the words of Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".  Trust your instincts.  Listen to that small quiet voice deep within.  If something does not feel right, it isn't.  If you feel the need to run, RUN!!  Always, always trust yourself.
  • Believe in Great Spirit or whatever you choose to call that which is greater than us.  There is something bigger than us, more knowing, benevolent, loving, & just waiting for you to ask for guidance. 
  • Know that you are here for a purpose.  While it may take you a lifetime to find that purpose you will find it.  All the roads you take will continue to lead you to that purpose no matter your detours.  Keep looking, keep trusting, keep believing.
  • Live by your sense of right & wrong.  Do not allow anyone to sway you away from your beliefs, your sense of morality.  Do not give pieces of yourself away to someone who is not worthy. 
  • Be careful of your friends.  Choose people who share your belief system, your sense of morality.  While you may not believe it now, you will become known by the company you keep.  Be sure that the image you project is the image you want others to have of you.
  • No matter what anyone says, it is important to "save yourself" for marriage.  There is no such thing as casual sex.  There is always an emotional connection for a girl & hurt, blame, & self recrimination can run very deep.  Just because you don't go "all the way" does not mean you didn't have sex.  Any form of sexual contact carries consequences that can have a very heavy price.  Pregnancy is not the only thing that can happen.  Sexually transmitted diseases can be with you for a lifetime and have a lifetime of consequences.  HIV is real & is still a death sentence even with the treatments available.  This kind of decision outside of a mature, committed relationship can alter the course of your life.
  • For every action there is a consequence.  So always think about your life decisions before you make them.  Don't just decide to do something without throughly examining the pros & cons.  This goes for who to date/marry, where to live, buying a car, buying a house, having children, a job.  Remember this in all life-changing decisions.  Make a list -- pros/cons, weigh them out, make an informed decision.
  • Always, always love yourself.  Know that you are perfect just as you are.  Be self-confident, self-reliant.  Believe in yourself as the unique individual you were created to be.
  • In the midst of adversity always remember to stop & say Thank You.  It can be a prayer, a plea, a statement, an affirmation.  If the only prayer you say at night is Thank you, it is enough.
  • Never be afraid to apologize.  Always say "I'm sorry" if you have hurt someone.  Few do, but it can make a world of difference to you & the other person toward growth.  It is hard, but it will heal hearts. 
  • Life is a Journey, not a destination.   Live fully, be happy, travel, learn about other cultures, expand your knowledge of the world, be open to new ideas, do not be afraid to go skydiving or mountain climbing or anything else that you think might be fun.  It is the Adventure of the Journey that broadens us as individuals in order for us to fully realize who we are meant to be as a humanbeing.
  • Remember...we are spiritual beings having a human experience.  That which is your spirit, your energy, is your true authentic self.  Always honor that authenticity.  Be honest, be honorable, live by your word, be a friend, be kind, be compassionate.  Give of yourself.  Even if it is just a smile to a stranger on the street.  That may be the only smile that person has seen in awhile. 

Well, that is what I would tell a daughter whether I had an hour, a day, a week, or a lifetime to live.  I would want her to know how to survive in a harsh world, but not to be harsh.  I would want her to be loving & compassionate while being strong, brave, independent, & self-reliant.  I would want her to value herself so others would also value her.  I would want her to respect herself so others would respect her.   I would want her to love herself so she would recognize true love when it was given to her.  I would want her to demand excellence from herself so that she would recognize excellence in others.  I would want her to live without prejudice, fear, or anger at others.   I would want her to grow each day as a person, learning who she is.  I would want her to recognize that she need not practice perfectionism, but simply do her best each day.  Through mistakes we learn to be better people-at work, at school, in life.  It is not the mistakes that are important but the lessons we learn from them.

blessed be...

Monday, October 19, 2009

Inquiring minds want to know...

I have concluded my 7 Random Facts about myself plus adding a  bonus Random Fact #8.  Anyone who would like to share their Random Facts, feel free to do so on your blog.  Just let me know in the comments so I can visit & learn more about you.

Additionally, when I have read memes from others, their posts sometimes open up questions that I would like to ask.  So, based on the Random Facts or anything else you have read on my blog, do you have questions for me?  Ya'll know I am bluntly honest & that nothing about me is really off limits so if you have a pressing question or if you are curious about me or something I have written leave your question in the comments of this blog.  If you read me on Facebook, please connect to my blog to ask your questions.  I will answer all the questions on my next post.  Send um my way dear readers.  I want to know all of ya'll better so you need to know me better.  Also, if there is anything that you would like to see me post more about please let me know.  Suggestions are always welcome.

Looking forward to some fun with this one.

blessed be...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Random Facts #8 -- The Bonus

I promised a bonus random fact so here it is.

Random Fact #8 -- I want to be a standup comedian

Yep, that's right.  I want to do comedy.  I really never thought I was all that funny, but others always have & still do.  My life offers lots of material & I have on occassion launched into my "routine" as a way to mask the pain of the situation I am relating.  Trust me, I don't make this stuff up I just put a humorous spin on it (if you have listened to me tell a story or relate an incident you just may have experienced this).  Laughter is healing & comedy can give a wonderful perspective to something one considers painful.

I have done material on my Mother & our relationship, my foray into the Pentecostal church (which I loved btw & would never disrespect, but some things I have witnessed are funny), my ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, situtations in which I have found myself throughout my life, even my son.   If I have experienced it, I have made a joke about it.  My Mom has made me promise that I will not take my show on the road until she is dead.  She thinks someone might recognize her in my routine.  Well, duh!!!

Anyway, that is my secret (until now) ambition.  I would love to stand on a stage every night & exorcise my past through humor.   Truth is stranger than fiction.  And my life would make a sitcom. 

blessed be...

Friday, October 16, 2009

Random Fact #7

Random Fact #7 -- I have been writing a novel for the last 10 years.

Not full-time, obviously, but sometimes more than others.  I have written several short stories, started another couple of novels, & I wrote an Easter play for the church I attended several years ago (very well received btw).  I haven't written anything for the last few years except my journal & this blog.  The book is always in the back of my mind & lately I have been toying with the idea of leaving it as is as sort of a short story, combining it with my other short stories & partially written novels & seeing how that feels to me for a published work.  I would like to take some of my writings from this blog & my two previous ones for combination into another book.  I really enjoy writing, telling my stories (both true & imaginary).  I made up stories to tell my son when he was little.  I like storytelling.  I think it is a part of my heritage (Irish-great storytellers, Native-history was verbal & passed down through stories).   I enjoy the written word, painting pictures with words.  I like verbal storytelling because I can interject my humor & emotions in the telling.  This leads me into a bonus Random Fact.  Look for Random Fact #8 coming soon.

blessed be...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Random Fact #6

Random Fact #6 -- My Heros

I thought about my last two random facts & several things came to mind, but in my effort to share who I am, why I am, & what has helped shape the person I am today I decided to write about my heros.  They are eclectic, varied, expected perhaps, & perhaps unexpected.  They all offer insight into all that has shaped me from Back in the Day to Today.  My heros are offered in no particular order of importance because I believe they hold equal importance in the shaping of me mentally, emotionally,  & spiritually - giving me inspiration that has led to many awakenings within both my conscienceness & unconcienceness.

John F. Kennedy -- He was the first President I  remember from campaign to election then to that fateful day in Dallas.  His photograph hung in my Daddy's office.  "Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country"  That one statement has come to me so often over the years.  It is one of the reasons, as a very broke single mother, I never accepted help from the Federal Government even though I was supposedly "entitled" & it certainly would have lifted a huge amount of stress from my life.  No Food Stamps, no financial assistance.  I just hunkered down & worked.  I always figured there were people who really needed help but I was not one of them.   My son was always fed, clothed, & a roof over his head.  There were alot of times I did not eat, but he always did.  That single statement given on a cold morning in Washington, DC shaped my attitude about what I expected from myself.  That makes JFK my hero because he challenged me to be self-sufficient & to not take what would have been an easy road.

Jacqueline Kennedy -- for her grace, class, composure, inner strength.  From her I learned dignity under fire.  Dignity in the face of unspeakable horror.  Dignity to carry on & do what was expected.  To do things well with grace & a certain flair.  I will never forget her stoically walking behind her husband's casket.  She could have easily fallen apart, but instead she became a tower of strength not only for her family but for a Nation.  She was a true lady & I have always strived to have the type of grace & dignity she portrayed.   Jackie is my hero because she showed me how to be strong in a quiet calmness.

Mother Teresa -- "We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love"  These have become words by which I live.  I do not believe I chose this Journey to become famous or well-known.  But I know that I do touch other lives.  I strive to touch those lives with love, understanding, tolerance, compassion, & true caring for another person.  I may not agree with what another is going through or the path that person has chosen, but I can offer sympathy & empathy rather than adding to their dilemma.  Speaking from a place of love, from my true Spirit.  Many times I have had to remind myself that I am not here to fix things, but to offer support.  To offer heartfelt, true listening.  Mother Teresa is my hero because she took Jesus' words "That which you do for the least of mine, you do for Me" & truly lived them.

Jason, my son -- He is my hero because he has risen.  Risen above all the crap of his childhood, risen above the mother I was & wasn't, risen above the lack of an example of how to be a responsible man/father, risen above his own demons.  He has risen to become a productive member of society - a good, loving, true husband - a kind, gentle, loving, involved, engaged, present father who is raising happy, secure, well-rounded children with the help of my daughter-in-law, Jessica, who is my hero for believing in, loving, & standing by my son while he struggled to become the man he is today, & for being the most wonderful mother I can imagine for my grandchildren.  Together they have built a strong, healthy, happy, well adjusted, wonderful family.  I am so very proud of them both.  They are a blessing.

Dave, my brother -- "Life may not give us what we expected, but we can still dance"  In the face of an incurable, terminal illness he always danced both figuratively & literally.  He knew how to be a good friend & once you were Dave's friend you were always Dave's friend.  He truly loved people.  Dave faced his impending death with such humor, dignity, grace, & acceptance.  This is not to say he laid down & died because he most assuredly did not.  He loved life, lived it fully.  He sought out every possible treatment.  He put himself through hell trying to live.  But when the inevitable happened & he was told there would be no more remissions, no cure, no treatment to stop the growth of the NHL he began to prepare to die.  He said his goodbyes, he did everything he wanted to do, we spent 10 days in Key West.  We danced, we laughed, we cried, we talked.  As his time grew nearer & he was confined to his bed he lived on the phone.  He called everyone he had ever known & made amends if he felt he needed to do so.  He said his goodbyes while he still could.  My brother, as I have said many times, taught me how to live fully in the moment & he taught me how to die with grace, dignity, & acceptance.  For this he is my hero.  Catch you on the Other Side, little brother.

My heros have always been Cowboys -- As a kid I was into all that was western (movies, tv, books) -- Roy Rogers, Dale Evans, John Wayne, Gunsmoke, Foreman Scotty (for all ya'll OK  baby boomers), Wagon Train, Wanted Dead or Alive, Maverick, The Guns of Will Sonnett, Cheyenne, Sugarfoot (have I dated myself yet???).  From all of these there were morality lessons.  Lessons on how to be a true, honest human who lived with a code with integrity.  As I grew up, I met real cowboys.  Cowboys who worked on ranches, cowboys who rodeoed.   It was the attitude, the lifestyle, the way of life that made the genre as well as the reality of cowboys appealing to me.  The code of ethics that a true cowboy lives by, the respect for the land, the ability to be true to ones self, honesty, standing by one's word when it is given, honor, integrity, & to live exactly as you believe -  that is why Cowboys have always been my heros.

Dalai Lama --  "Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion."--His Holiness the Dalai Lama, from "Kindness, Clarity, and Insight"
His Holiness is my hero for the way he lives, for his works, for his love, for his teachings.  While I am not Buddhist, I do identify very closely with Eastern teachings.  His writings have lead me through some very trying times.  I have found comfort in his words & in his life.  He is my hero because he truly embodies all that he teaches.


The list could go on.  I have friends who are my heros because of the adversities they have overcome, for the hard choices they have made, for their charitiable works, for living true to themselves, for living true to their beliefs, for embracing their heritage.  Each of you who are in my life at this moment, those who are my Tribe, you too are my heros.  Why? because you are YOU & you make my life richer.

blessed be...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Random Fact #5

Random Fact #1 -- I was a cocktail waitress in Nevada
Random Fact #2 -- I was married to a professional gambler
Random Fact #3 -- I am multi-racial

Random Fact #4 -- I graduated from college in 3 yrs


Random Fact #5 -- I am an actress.  Yep, I actually had a supporting role in an independent film shot in Dale, OK . 

Outsiders Productions is an OK film company founded by Adam Hampton & Jason Alexander.  They were film students at ECU & one day I saw an interview with them in the school newspaper.  They were still looking to cast the part of the lead characters step-mother.  Well, I was the right age, I have a drama degree, & at the time I was going through my brother's last year of life in the world.  I needed to find something to do that was just for me.  Something that took my mind off all that was going on in my life at the time.  So, I called them up & auditioned.  I had such a blast working on this project.  They guys delivered the rough cut to me just weeks before Dave died.  He was so excited to see his big sis on film.  So he got to see me act before he left for his next adventure.  After "Looking for Hope"  I did some extra work with a small speaking part for Outsiders in the film "Bowlin Alley" shot in Ada, OK at the local bowling alley.  Very funny film &, again, I had a blast working with these talented young people.  Who knows, maybe they will have another part for me one day.  In the meantime, I have the DVD to leave to my grandkids.  I also did a short film at ECU for one of the film students called "The Widows Club".  It is a very dark comedy.  Again, such fun to do the part.

So, I sometimes think about getting involved again with theater, but I really prefer the film genre.  I enjoy the process of filming, being able to look at the dailies & critique my work before it is finalized.  Will I ever aggresively pursue an acting career?  No, but it is fun to get outside yourself & be someone else once in a while.  I found so much in my own life to draw on for the character of Gretta in "Looking for Hope".  It was a creative outlet to get rid of some baggage.  Plus it was just fun.  We filmed in the rain, cold, heat, inside, outside.  But I loved the process.  I really need to get back in touch with those guys.  See what they have going on.

Oh,  BTW I think this is funny.  When I was traveling to Seattle every three months to spend time with my then fiance (and working on "Looking for Hope" at the time), I flew in one evening with Lobo in tow (he was just 6 months old & my only furkid at the time) & met Big Guy curbside outside of baggage claim.  As we were leaving there was very little traffic (quite unusual for SeaTac) & he commented that there was huge traffic jam getting into the airport so he was surprised that we were just flying out with no problems.  I laughed as I was putting on my shades & said "Dodged the paparazzi once again".

blessed be...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Back In The Day//Random Fact #4

To recap:

  1. Random Fact #1 -- I was a cocktail waitress in Nevada
  2. Random Fact #2 -- I was married to a professional gambler
  3. Random Fact #3 -- I am multi-racial

Random Fact #4

I graduated from college in 3 yrs (actually 3 years 3 months). 

I started to college two weeks after I graduated from High School.  I was so excited to move away from home.  First time I had ever been able to make my own decisions, choose who I would date without asking permission from my father.  The freedom was quite mind-boggling.  But I loved living in the dorm, choosing how my days would progress, making new friends. 

During Summer School, only one dorm was open back in the day.  So it was co-ed with sections for girls & sections for guys.  I went to school back in the day when girls were still locked in after certain hours & you had to sign in & out of the dorm when you left.  I lived in co-ed housing during the Summer & an all girls dorm Fall & Spring semesters. The guys had no such restrictions.  Can you say double standard!!!????!!!  But still it was more freedom than I had ever known in my life.

I advised my parents that so long as a dorm was open & classes offered I would not be coming home.  I didn't go home on weekends, I only went home on breaks & between semesters when the dorms were closed.  I took classes anytime they were offered.  I went regular semesters & what was then called mini-mesters (classes offered between regular semesters).  In doing so, I was a Freshman, a Junior, a Senior.  I completely skipped my Sophomore year because of my credit hours. 

I dated an art student, several Viet Nam vets, & finally my first husband.  We were "dropped"(a pendent with his initials), promised (I got a very small , can you say chip, diamond promise ring one Christmas of which my dad made fun), engaged the following Summer (a 1/4 carat diamond ring he picked out which sadly I never liked. May have foretold the direction of the marriage), & finally married our last year in college & lived in Married Student Housing.  I liked being a wife.  After all, my parents by their own admission had sent me to college to find a husband.  I wanted to go to law school, travel to Europe, but none of that happened. He graduated the following May & I graduated in August.  We both worked at the bookstore on campus plus my Mom continued to pay for my tuition & books.  He was going to school on the GI Bill.  For college students we were very well off.  Our friends ate at our apartment often because I cooked & we had the money to grocery shop for steaks, etc.  It was a good time.  I baked all the time so our friends who worked on the ground crew were always knocking on the door for snacks.  That was one of the best times in my life.

So, I earned my B.A. in Education (major in Drama, minor in English) in 3 years (1970-1973).

Go Tigers!!!!

blessed be...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

7 Random Facts - Part 3


I am multi-racial.  The pictures above honor some of my heritage. 

While I was blond, blue-eyed w/freckles when I was a child I am in fact of the following heritage:

  • Cherokee
  • Choctaw
  • African-American
  • Irish
  • English
  • German
  • Southern
My Great-Great-Great Grandfather was a Confederate soldier -The Stars & Bars fly over his grave every Memorial Day.  I have the right to be a member of the Daughters of the Confederacy (I am not nor do I have any plans of joining).  I am decended from Southerns on both sides of my family. 

I am Cherokee, Irish, German (3rd or 4th generation in the US), & English on my Mother's side -Choctaw & Irish on my Dad's.  My African-American ancestors come from my Dad's Choctaw side.  When my brother was first on the APD, he went on a call one night, & he advised the person to whose house he responded to come to the station the next day to file a complaint.   When the person arrived, he was asked which officer had come on the call.  He had failed to remember the name but responded "the black officer".  There were no African-American officers on the force.  My brother looked like a full-blood Indian but he did have strong African-American features also so I guess that dark night that is what the person saw. 

All my life I have lived with people looking at me & making an assumption that I am white.  I have had some very troubling comments made to me &/or in my presence because the person thought it was ok to make a prejudicial statement or use a derogotory epitath in my presence based on that assumption.  I am quick to voice my disgust & have on several occasions asked "What nationality/race do you think I am?"  Then I proceed to tell my heritage.   It is always interesting to see the look on someone's face when I let them know that I am a "....... Indian" , "lazy Irish", ".....German", "Redneck Southerner", or that I have black ancesters. 

I consider myself to be a citizen of the World,  a member of the Human Race, an Indian (with no Indian name).  I have the attitude of a Black Woman, the gift of Second Sight that comes from both my Irish & Native blood, & the gift of compassion that comes from identifying with all of my ancestors.  I was not raised to be prejudiced.  That was the one good thing my parents did in raising me.    But, I also was not raised to be embrace my heritage.  I came to that on my own.  I have embraced all that has gone into making me the person I am today.  I know who I am.  I know why I am who I am.

I am proud to be all of the above.  As my license plate proclaims "G.R.I.T.S."  an acronim for Girl Raised in the South I am proud of the positive things it means to be Southern - grace, hospitality, a sense of community.   I have African-American art in my home, I smudge my house & myself with sage in the Native tradition.  I honor the beliefs of all my ancestors.  I honor Mother Earth, my Totem (who is important in both my Tribes), my gifts of Second Sight, visions, my intuition which comes from both my Irish & Native ancestors.  I think my story-telling ablilites come from both my Irish & Native heritage.  The Irish are wonderful storytellers & Native Americans have always used verbal history before there was a written history. 

I am blessed to have had all the ancestors who came before me.  They live within my Spirit & influence my Journey each day.

I bet you know which Wolf I fed.

blessed be...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Back in the Day - Part 2

Well, here we are dear readers.

To continue along the Casino road of my life.  Random Fact #2

I was once married to a professional gambler.  Yep, Dud #2, aka Cowboy, was a professional card player.   He had made his living that way for years before I met him.  I had sat at the card tables with him many times.  He was a good player.  He knew odds & percentages.  He knew the angles, he calculated his moves.  He didn't take risks.  He was a solid player.  Or so it seemed

Let me say, however, that he had a glitch or two when we were in Mesquite.  He went to Vegas one day to play & proceeded to come home without the Christmas fund.  I could have killed him.  My son had Christmas though.  I saw to that.

Then...The day we moved to Las Vegas, one of his friends/fellow card players from WA won the World Series of Poker.  While Cowboy was happy for his friend he was also very jealous.  Kept saying "I'm a better player, I could win that."   Now, here we were in Vegas - again I was looking for a job & told many times I was not the "Vegas Type", translated to mean no silicone.  Well, DUH!!!   Now, Cowboy was on a mission to prove to everyone he was a better card player than a guy who just won the World Series of Poker.  CRAP!!  As if I didn't have enough going on in my life.  Now he was going to go back to playing cards for a living as he had done for several years before I met him.  CRAP!!!  Just when I had, or so I thought, convinced him that a full-time job was really what he should be doing.  His idea of a full-time job was to go to work in a poker room as a shill.  CRAP!!!  He still had to gamble with his own money to keep the game going.  My idea of a full-time job was dealing blackjack which he had done in Reno years before, tending bar which he could do, working in a hotel or a store.  Selling cars, he had done that years before too.  But, he would have none of my ideas so back to the card rooms he went.  He would have good days.  In fact, he had a real run of good luck for quite sometime.  Then he would have to pawn his diamond rings to get another buyin to a game.  Those rings were in & out of the pawn shop quite a few times over the next few years.  I found a job. he played cards.  When he was winning he was a joy to be around, but when he lost I would have just as soon moved to Alaska & stayed there til his luck returned.  I was told so many times I was bad luck because he did not feel that I was supportive enough of his career.  CAREER!!!!????  What career???  I was working to support 3 people & keep the bills paid. His money went to the card rooms.  Never really knew how much he won/lost. 

During the last year we lived in Vegas he got on a very bad losing streak.  He had lost before but never that badly.  He was all stressed out, had gained 70-80 lbs and was mad, really mad, all the time.  He had been abusive to me over the years (it starts gradually & then escalates.  That's how you get sucked into the pattern) but now he was downright mean.  Verbally, physically, emotionally.  I realized, and my friends started to comment, that I was very very afraid of him.  He was an ex-boxer & much bigger/stronger than me.  I called Gamblers Anonymous for advice.  He stopped gambling all together but then he just sat around the house all day moping & harassing me at work or he would come to the bar & sit there all day watching me.  My life was deteriorating around me rapidly.  He finally, in a moment of weakness, admitted that he had been winning on the tables all along. But as he would leave to come home there was this one particular poker machine that just called his name, then proceeded to eat his lunch.  He just knew he could beat that machine, it became personal.  So the winnings all got pissed away to a mechnical opponent.  At this point, I filed for divorce.  When that happened he called a childhood friend in OR & flew there to try to get his head back on straight.  As abused women will do, I panicked.  How would I survive all alone, just me & the kid, in Vegas??  Looking back I would have done quite well.  After all I was making really good money & living well especially since I no longer had a gambler dragging me down.  Friends offered to babysit for me, I was the manager at the bar by now so I rearranged the schedule so I no longer worked nights.  Then he called.  I had a major panic attack, quit my job, packed up myself & the kid & hit the road to OR.  Drove straight through from Vegas to Portland stopping only for gas & drive thrus. 

And, that dear readers is how I got to Oregon.

blessed be...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Back in the Day--Part 1

My good friend, Barry @ tagged me for this meme. Seven Random/Weird Things about yourself. Well, ya'll probably know there are several weird things about me LOL. You guys know alot about me already since I tend to be very honest about myself. So, for several days, I have been thinking what 7 random/weird things would I tell that are new, interesting, etc. Today is Number 1 on the list. I will post them, as Barry did, in installments. Maybe one each day, maybe once a week. Who knows, we'll just see where the muse leads.
Now, you're probably wondering what the pictures above are all about. A map with Mesquite, NV starred & the shot down what is the main drag in Mesquite. Well, welcome to Random Fact #1.
In 1982, I moved to this small sleepy town on the Nevada/Arizona border. My now ex was offered a job there selling time-shares to an old resort from the 40's that was being refurbished. There were very few places to live & even less places to work. I had always done office work. Well, we spent all our money moving, getting set up in an apartment, etc. His job fell through or so he told me. We were out of money, my parents would not help, he had no family who would help, we were stuck & broke. Really broke. He refused to look for work-he just sat down & had a breakdown-then he began gambling which was how he had made his living for several years. But that is another story for another time. I knew I had to find a job-I had my son to think about. Cowboy (Dud #2) suggested I go down to the Peppermill Casino. Casino???? Me???? What the hell would I do in a CASINO??? The Peppermill was the only place hiring, really the only place to work at the time. So, I applied. Did I go to work in the office?? No, I became a COCKTAIL WAITRESS. Yep, shy, naive, scared little girl from OK became a cocktail waitress. Very short denim skirt with fringe so short it had the tights sewed in. Tight vest & western shirt with cowboy boots. I, for those of you who do not know me personally, have very long legs. In fact if I didn't I would only be 4 foot tall. So, 5'7" is mostly legs, especially when you weigh only 100 lbs. I refused to have any pictures taken of me in that outfit, but I wore it every day for the year it took for save the funds to move into Las Vegas. I had hair down to my waist, lots of make-up, & a drive to feed my son, provide a home.
I hated that job in the beginning. I was just mortified by it. After all, good girls in OK just didn't work in a CASINO for gosh sakes & wear skirts up to here & shirts open down to there. But, after I learned the ropes of cocktailing & began to learn how to tend bar it got to be fun. Plus, I made REALLY good money. A bad day was $100 in tips. I rarely had a bad day. I also started to find my voice, my strength, my ability to survive. I developed a very sarcastic sense of humor, a way with words, I could cut an out of line customer to pieces with a look & a finely phrased insult. My regulars loved me. I found my sense of humor. In the beginning I was funny because I was so green I would say something never realizing the double meaning. People laughed. Sometimes I had to have it explained to me. Usually I was then mortified, but I learned. I became worldly, developed street smarts, & I learned to make ditzy work to my advantage. I can still turn it on & off. I learned I liked interacting with people day in & day out. I learned I was very good at slinging drinks. My memory came in very handy because I would remember what someone drank a year later. I was good at remembering faces & drinks. Not so good with names but that didn't matter. I learned to standup for myself. Stuck my finger in the face of a very large Hell's Angel one day & gave him what for because he whistled to get my attention. Advised him I was not a German Shepard & that he could call me Miss or by my name if he needed to get my attention. He apologized & always came by if he was in the area. Nice guy.
I've been pinched, patted, poked, touched inappropriately & handled it all by myself. Guy knew he had got hold of a she-wolf if he got out of line with me. I did not take that kind of treatment. Oh, I would go home in tears sometimes, but the offender never saw me cry. He always got a piece of my attitude. I never had to use security to handle a drunk. I learned to handle them myself. I gained respect for myself & in turn gained respect from my customers.
I met so many interesting people. Miners, broken-down cowboys (one of them always reminded me of the cowboy in the song "Queen of the Silver Dollar" ), gamblers, bikers, truckers, the down-trodden, the down & out. Sad, lonely people. But I liked them all. I found their stories enlightening, I found my love for people that had been lying dormant in my spirit. I truly cared about them all.
Every Sunday, the polygamist families would come for dinner (that's the noon meal for all ya'll non-Southerners) at the buffet. They also ran the local grocery store. Very polite, never looked right or left as they passed the bar heading for the restaurant. Husband in front, wives single file behind him, kids following their moms. Even in the grocery they would not carry on a conversation. I would have really liked to know them better. I bought my car tag in Colorado City, AZ. Everyone there was also wary of outsiders, understandably so, but they took my money, gave me a car tag, & watched me leave town.
So, after leaving Mesquite & moving to Las Vegas, I continued my career move as a cocktail waitress later becoming a bartender then moving to bar/restaurant management. I liked the bar business, the late hours, the people, the challenges, & the ability to make more money than I had ever made in my life. By today's standards, I still made more money in Vegas than I make now. At one time I would jokingly say "Someday I'll be the World's Oldest Bartender". That was not meant to be.
In that line of work, my shoulder was dislocated when I fell behind the bar & almost ripped the muscle out of my left arm on the handle of a beer cooler & my thumb was dislocated because a drunk who happened to be a lawyer in a suit/tie bent my right thumb back until it touched my wrist. Hurt like hell. A biker pulled him off me. God love my bikers!!
I have broken up more bar fights than I care to remember, hauled guys off each other & threw them out the door, I know how to use the business end of a pool cue when I need to. I have mopped up blood, bandaged wounds, counseled, listened, cajoled, threatened, hugged, & cried with my customers. I never thought anything about jumping out from behind the bar & grabbing a guy throwing punches. I could usually have him out the door before he realized a "girl" was throwing him out. I was brave... or maybe just stupid. But whatever it worked. I never used bouncers in the places I managed. They were just an invitation for someone to take a swing at them. But, I never never tried to break up a fight between women. I always called the cops for that. Women fight dirty. They can be much more dangerous than men. I knew my limitations.
I have heard many stories standing behind the bar. But the one that has haunted me for over 20 yrs was told to me by a regular customer that I had known for years. He & his children had gone up in a private plane with a friend. He was holding his baby son (not yet 2 yrs old) on his lap. The door came open & his son was sucked out of his arms into space. He told me of finding his son's little shoe, then his body, how it felt when he picked the baby up. He told me how guilty he still felt. He cried from sadness, guilt, remorse, memory, & a hurt that will never leave him. I can still see that picture in my mind. I don't think it will ever leave me. I think of that man often. May Great Spirit give him peace & the ability to forgive himself.
I cocktailed/tended bar in Nevada for 7 years. Then I continued the Journey in Oregon, bartending/managing bars & taverns for another 7 years.
So, my Journey toward today, the person I am meant to be, began in a Casino in the Nevada desert, far from OK, far from all that was familiar, far so very far from who I thought I was & would always be. The road has lead me many places, to many experiences that have shaped me. The Journey will continue with my remaining 6 facts.
blessed be...

Friday, September 11, 2009


We all have something that stood out, touched us, made us cry, made us sad, made us angry, gave us back our patriotism on that day 8 years ago.

As all Americans did, I watched the horror unfold. I called my brother, a police officer, & told him "I love you" "Be careful". No one knew what would continue to unfold that day. What else might happen.

As the day(s) unfolded the memory that has stayed with me was this:

A NY firefighter went into one of the Towers & did not come out. His brother, a NYPD officer, stood vigil at the point where he entered the building vowing not to move until his brother's body was recovered. He refused food/drink. He stood vigil for his fallen brother. Today that still brings tears to my eyes & an ache in my heart. Standing vigil...

blessed be....

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Shaving Cream World

Sometimes a memory from long ago will come to me out of the blue. I know why this one came to mind. I was soaking a very hot tub tonight. Something I have always liked to do when I am tired or have sore muscles. Tonight my shoulders were kinda stiff so I ran a hot bath. Something I have not been able to do for the last two years because my former abode had only a shower. New house has two bathrooms. One has a tub so I soak.

As I was enjoying the bath salts & hot water I remembered the Shaving Cream World. Hadn't thought of that in a very long time. When I was a little girl there were not the very cool tub toys kids have today. The crayons that work with water & what not. Oh we had some boats & duckies but those lose their appeal quickly for a child with a vivid imagination. So one day I discovered the wonders of shaving cream. You could build all kinds of things that floated. For many a night I would take long soaks & build a shaving cream world. Islands, mountains, animals all surrounded me. I loved those moments. Then came the day when I had my world just about the way I wanted it & was enjoying the view. Bathroom door sprung open & the Shaving Cream World was discovered. Evidently my dad had noticed his shaving cream was not lasting as long as it had. Why I was suspected I cannot imagine. But I was discovered, yelled at profusely, & admonished to never touch the shaving cream again. I didn't. I missed the Shaving Cream World. But I still enjoyed a long soak in a hot tub.

Strange, my parents never thought my imagination was cool or funny. Mostly it got me in trouble. I like to think if my son had discovered the Shaving Cream World I would have just laughed & maybe helped him with construction.

Maybe next time I decide to have a long hot soak I will have to take a can with me. I'm sure the Shaving Cream World still awaits. After all, now it's my dime that buys it. ~smiles~

blessed be...

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Saving Grace

An angel offers a jaded Oklahoma City police detective the chance to redeem her life.
"Why you always get so caught up in which road to take, they all lead to the same place." Earl
I started watching "Saving Grace" accidentally. I was channel surfing when the first episode came on. It caught me because it was set in OKC. Then I got caught up in the characters of Grace & her angel Earl. I identify with Grace. She is me in another part of my life. I lived a lot like her for several years. I wasn't a cop. I liked to make forays on the other side of that line. Nothing serious, but I did like the bad boys, their toys, & the world they inhabited. I guess in many ways it was rebellion, but on a deeper level it was to assure myself that I was alive. In those circles I was always the most educated, the one who came from, or so they thought, a very suit/tie world. The world of "citizens"- those people who follow the rules, have a steady job, are pillars of the community. This is the fantasy I lived in that circle. In that world I was admired. In the beginning I had no street smarts, but I quickly developed them. I have oh let's use the word dated &/or married bikers, outlaws, theives, dealers, one gun runner, & one member of the KKK (that one scared the hell outta me when I discovered this bit of info-I got outta that very quickly & to this day he does not know I know his secret). I have also run with the rich oil crowd. Dated millionaires, ranchers, etc. Older men, younger men, men my age. Let us just say, I ran the roads pretty hard for awhile (all between the ages of 28 & 30 for the most part-a couple were after my 2nd divorce in '94, after '95 I never dated again until 2000).
To what is all this leading, & how does it involve a TV show? Well, lately, I have been thinking alot about my experiences with angels, demons, ghosts, Great Spirit. I keep coming to this through friends' concerns, other bloggers writings, my own experiences/sightings. The audible voice of Thomas, my angel. Since I was a kid, I have seen what others could not. I have been visited by the departed, those who have crossed over to the Other Side. The first one that I truly remember was my Granddaddy who died when I was 16. He came to me the night after he died. The next one was a high school friend who was killed in a car accident. He visisted many times for awhile after he crossed over. Just checking in I guess. The visits were much like we had been in this existence. Just talking.
When I was 34 my Daddy died. He was a very troubled person & we had a very strained relationship. I will write more about this another time, but my father was gay. Not openly so & he made some very bad decisions in his exploration of who he was. Additionally, he did not want to be a parent. No child should ever know that a parent is unhappy in that role. Before I move on just let me say this. I have no problem that I had a gay parent. My problem was with his treatment of his children, & with some other decisions/experiences he made/chose to have that were inappropriate to say the least. I have known many gay/lesbian couples through the years that are wonderful parents-wonderful, healthy, happy, stable, accomplished people. I think if my Daddy had been able to be openly who he was, he too might have been a better person/parent. I am sorry for the lie he lived & for the damage it did to all of us.
My experiences with my Daddy started the morning he died. I had been in OKC to see him (he spent a month in ICU after a massive heart attack), he knew I was there & I was the last person to whom he spoke. Then there were many complications & he was on life-support. I was living in Vegas at the time & had to return home after several days. I had woke up that morning then decided to go back to sleep. I entered what I describe as a trace like state. Somewhere between awake & asleep. A place where you can travel in other dimensions. There I met my Daddy. We walked, talked, cried, said a lot that we needed to say. He told me how proud of me he had always been. We spent hours together in that place between this life & the Other Side. Then I "woke" with a start & I knew he had died. I rushed downstairs to call the hospital. As I placed my hand on the receiver the phone rang. It was my Mom calling to tell me Daddy had died. My first question was "What time?" It was the exact moment that I had woke up. Oh yes, a couple of days before he died I looked over in the passenger seat of my car & there he was. My first words were "You never ride with me" because in all the years I had been driving he had never ridden with me, he always drove. But there he was. After he died, he would visit at least once a year. Usually around the time he had died. The visits got very frightening. One time, in the middle of the night, a cassette tape holder that was bolted to the studs in the wall came flying off & landed in the middle of the living room floor. Loaves of bread would be pitched at me when I was at work alone & my back was turned. After the tape shelf incident I advised him that while he could visit anytime he wanted he could not scare me or my family. After that the visits stopped & have never resumed.
After I left my 2nd husband & was packing to leave Portland, my Nanny appeared in my bedroom door. I assured her I was alright & she left. She has never returned. My brother used to be standing at the end of my street in uniform when I would be out with the dogs late at night. He has spoken to me several times. I saw him at a concert dancing like he always did. I have seen him on his bike, all decked out in his leathers riding free.
Those have all been good experiences. But I have had darker ones, too. Demons have visited me many times. Sometimes they have taken up residence in the house. I was never aware of them until probably 20o0. That is when I started giving my testimony quite often. Telling my story. I think they were always present, but when I was living my other life, they were happy & stayed in the background. Then I began living as I do now. I got clean/sober. I no longer kept the secrets. I talked about it all. I told my truth. Then they appeared. I have always said there was wailing in hell when I straighted up. The devil lost a soul. But it was a soul he had never really had-guess he thought there was a chance so long as I stayed in that life. The war stated for me when all chances were dashed. First it was just little ones. Just small dark shadows. Then they got bigger & bigger. The largest one stood 10-12 ft tall & was huge. I would see them stalking around outside the house. They were always in my room. I would get pushed down when no one was around. Hard shoves that sent me flying. I fought them with all that was at my disposal. Great Spirit, my Totem, smudging the house, the yard, my car. Banishing them in the name of Jesus. They came back when my brother was dying. Tried to get him before it was too late. Didn't succeed at that either. Mom & I fought them w/Great Spirit & won.
Lest you think I have had only bad experiences with the unseen forces that walk beside us in this Life. I have had good ones too. Friendly, bright spirits that come with messages or who just like to inhabit the space. There was a little girl who lived in one house with me. Then she moved to the next house. Also a former resident of the house visited. It was all very nice. They were just hanging out. The little girl even had a message for one of my friends & they talked at great lengths.
Lately, it has just been my Totem the great wolf who is present. He never leaves. He had been staying outside for years, but the last few months has moved into the house. Wolf just hangs out. My furkids see him too. Zane will track him through the house & sometimes sits & stares. Lobo (who is named for my Totem) also runs around with him. Scrappy sees him but is not fazed. Just takes it as routine. Sometimes Wolf just hangs out, sometimes I see him moving through the house, other times he will walk by & brush my arm. It is comforting & I am blessed he stays close.
So, what has all this to do with "Saving Grace" you ask. Well, Grace is at that crossroads. She has to decide which side she is on. She is a good cop, deep down a good person but she has not committed to that which is greater than her. Earl has come to help her with that. So like my Thomas he talks, he counsels, he cajols, he is ever there. He is trying to lead her to that Higher Power that can give her the peace she craves-the answers she needs. It has been an interesting journey so far & I watch each week to see if her path will converge with mine in Enlightenment.
Saving Grace, Amazing Grace - Angels, Spirits, Visitations- Are you open to your moment of Enlightenment? Take the Journey, hear your Angel's voice. It is worth the ride. Great Spirit awaits.
blessed be...