Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Memories


When I was a little girl my Granddaddy always gave me a box of Brachs Chocolate Covered Cherries for Christmas.  When he died, no one bought me chocolate covered cherries at Christmas anymore.  When I was married to ex #2 I shared this Christmas memory one year.  That Christmas I received a box of chocolate covered cherries & he told me they were from my Granddaddy.  That is one of my best memories of that marriage.  Someone loved me enough to listen to how important that memory was to me, and saw to it that I knew he knew it was special to me.  Now I buy them for myself every Christmas & remember childhood Christmases.  I did it this year too.  It was very important to do this year.  I have had one or two of them every few days.  I will finish the box tonight when I am home after spending the day with friends & having dinner with them.

I remember the year I was 16 or 17 & my family went to see all the Christmas lights in the nearest big town.  Back when stores stayed open late & were located on Main Street.  Music played, all the windows were decorated, & as we walked in & out of stores I would comment on things I liked.  We would then stroll on, me & Mama.  As I would later learn Daddy would wait until we were in the next store & he would buy me everything I had picked out.  All those gifts were under the tree on Christmas morning - the peach colored bucket type shoulder bag, the arora borealis crystal pendant.  There was more but those two I have always remembered.  But mostly I remember the beauty of walking in & out of the stores so beautifully lighted with lovely Christmas music playing.  I always loved to shop with Mama.  We had so much fun looking at things, commenting, watching people, trying on clothes & shoes.  We would have lovely lunches & shop some more.  No one was a better shopping partner than my Mama.  I wish I had known the last time we shopped together would be the last time.  I took it for granted.  Now I cherish the memories.

Merry Christmas, dear readers!!  Cherish each day, each memory you make as if it is the last one.  Make today a special memory for your family & for you. 

~~blessed be...

Monday, December 13, 2010

I remember Mama...

I am not one of those people who immediately, upon the death of a loved one, make them into a saint.  I remember my departed loved ones quite honestly.  I have been doing the same throughout the weekend with my memories of my Mama.  We had such a turbulent, conflicted, not always pleasant relationship. But there were other times that we had such a great time together, really enjoyed each other's company.  Lots of times we had fun, laughed, acted silly, & just hung out.

In the words of Maya Angelou "We do the best we can & when we know better we do better".  That pretty much sums it up.  Mama did the best she knew how when I was growing up & when she knew better she did better with me.  But it took us years to come to being comfortable as mother & daughter.  She was always amazed when she would find out that I didn't know something.  Like the fact she thought I was pretty.  She never told me that until a few years ago.  She "thought" I knew.  She also thought I knew,without her telling me, that I was smart, she was proud of me, & that she loved me.  Well, guess what, I did not know those things.  That is why it is so special to me that I was the last person she spoke to & that those words were "bye bye" "I love you".  I think she came back just so I could hear those words, & could know without a doubt that my Mama loved me. 

We went almost 20 yrs without really speaking & never seeing each other.  I would always call during the Holidays & her birthday.  She never called me.  Never knew until it was all over how abusive my 2nd marriage was & how I had self-medicated.  She always refused to believe I was an alcoholic/addict.  She never saw me that way & for my Mama who always wanted everything to be perfect she had to believe it was not that way.  She had a vision of me that was impossible for me to live up to, but in these last 10 or so years she had come to appreciate the woman I have evolved into.  The belief system I have, the values I cherish, the strength & get it done attitude I have adopted.  I heard her tell one of her friends one day "We'll ask Donis, she always knows what to do & she will know how to solve this"  High compliment indeed.

I have been known in my family as "Wild Child" for a very long time because I was the adventurous one -the one with the gypsy soul.  The one who could just pack up the car & move across the Country on a whim because it sounded like fun or because whereever I was just wasn't working for me.   I think that independence both awed & scared my Mama.  I think she would have liked to have had the adventures I had, but I think that my having those adventures scared the hell out of her, for me. 

But in the end, I came back to Oklahoma.  Came home to take care of  Mama, but then took care of my brother instead.  Now I have honored Mama's final requests, carried out her final wishes.  Took care of business just as she knew I would when she gave me the instructions over & over.  Knew I would make sure the doctors did not prolong her life artificially.  Knew I would voice her wishes & carry them out.  Knew I had the strength to do it all.  Knew I could do her funeral service.  And I did it all.  Because Mama knew I would.

Several months ago I said to a friend "I'm here because I will have to take care of Mama at some point.  When she is gone there will be nothing to keep me here & I will move on with my life somewhere else.  Maybe I will return to Seattle or move to Florida.  Who knows."  Well, I love my job.  I love my house.  I have a life here that works for me.  So, I am after all, an Oklahoma Girl.  And it appears that here is where I will stay.  I still have a gypsy soul but my adventures will keep me closer to my roots for now.

I will continue to remember Mama.  Tonight I almost called her then remembered that I couldn't.  I don't imagine that will be the last time this happens. 

~~blessed be... 

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Hit the ground running

That's what my dear friend Sparky said to me yesterday when he asked how my day was going & I told him I just seemed to do nothing but sitting in the recliner & resting.  So he told me to take care so that on Monday morning I could return to work and hit the ground running.  Yep I said.  I'll do that & when people ask how are you I will lie and say fine.


7:15am  Wednesday, 12/01/2010 my Mama went Home to be with my brother, all who have crossed over before her, & her Savior.  She is happy, whole, no more worries.  Her service was Thursday, 12/02/2010 in my hometown.  She had requested a graveside service, closed casket, no wake or viewing.  Mama wanted her earthly body to be buried immediately so according to her wishes this was done.  We were able to go to the funeral home & view her body one last time before the casket was sealed. 

This is something my Mama wrote about grace that I found going through her papers the day she died.  I read it at her funeral.


Ephesians 2:8 & 9

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God not of works, lest any man should boast.


The grace of God says because you are saved, not in order to be saved.  You are not trying to keep a legalistic system.  You are responding to a system of love and peace.

What is grace?  It's what someone gives us out of the goodness of his heart, not out of the perfection of ours.  The story of grace is the good news that says that when we come, He gives.  That's what grace is.

Grace is a pleasant surprise.  Grace is a kind gesture.  Grace is something you did not expect.  It is something you certainly could never earn,  But grace is something you'd never turn down.

You know what happens when someone sees the grace of God?  When someone really tastes the forgivng and liberating grace of God?  Someone who tastes God's grace is the hardest worker, the most morally pure individual, and the person most willing to forgive.

Roberta LaDell (Groomer) Dowling Bolich
08/27/1932 - 12/01/2010


The following poem was paperclipped to the inside cover of her Bible.  I also read it at the end of her service.

"Miss Me, But Let Me Go"

When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me and let me go!
For this is the journey that we all
Must take, And each must go alone!
It's all a part of the "Master's" plan,
A step on the road to home,
When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to the friends we know,
And bury your sorrows in good deeds.
Miss me, but let me go.


  So here, where I always speak the truth, I am NOT fine.  I am numb, I am sad, I cannot believe my Mama is no longer a phone call away.  I have not really cried, I have been too busy being strong & taking care of all that I have had to do since last Saturday.  Too many arrangements to make, doctors, hospice, going through her things (thanks so much to my dearest Aunt for helping me go through Mama's things & picking her final clothing).  Tears are coming and I know I just need to sob out my heart to Great Spirit, to the Universe.  But I am  so afraid that if I start I may never stop.  I got to hear my Mama say "I love you" one last time, she told me bye bye before she closed her eyes for what would be her final earthly sleep.  I know by brother came for her because she told me he was there.  I know she is so happy to be reunited with him, her parents, and all the rest.  But I want my Mama,  Damnit I want my Mama.  I want her to say "Donis" in that way that only she could.  Usually because she was appalled by something I had said or because she didn't want to laugh a some comment I had made or a joke I had told her.  But I remember her laugh when I would do my comedy routine for her.  She made me promise to never do it publically until she was dead because she was afraid someone would recognize her.  Now I don't want to do it without her.  But I know, after all these years & all our ups & downs, that beyond a shadow of a doubt my Mama loved me.  I am so friggin tried of being strong.  It is time to just lay down & weep.  I have let you go Mama just as you asked but I miss you so much.  It will be a long time before I am able to be "me" again.  But I will never be the me I was last week, for I have been forever changed.  I am all that is left of the family with whom I grew up.  I am alone with my memories.  No one remembers what I remember any more.  There is no one left with whom I share history from my childhood.  My shared history is now only 34 yrs old - the history I share with my beloved son. 

Gotta go now.  I will write more about Mama as the days, weeks go by.  There is so much to share.  So much I don't want to lose.  I love you Mama!! 

~~blesssed be...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


It has been awhile since I posted.  I have been formulating several posts as well as a book review.  Unfortunately, Saturday night, Life stepped in & took control of my Journey.  My Mom had a massive heart attack.  She was brought by the paramedics after 15 minutes.  The doctors have given us no hope for recovery so we have brought her home for Hospice care.  She is improving somewhat, however, it may only be the rally before the end.  I will post at length about this Journey later, but I just wanted ya'll to know what is going on in my life.  So, dear readers, I will be back with archived writings, the book review, as well as reflections on this Journey that my Mom & I are now on together.

~~blessed be...

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Home Place

The house that built me was not the house that I shared with my parents. The house that built me belonged to my Granddaddy & my Nanny. Those of you who are Southern & Country understand the term "the homeplace." It's the place where your roots are buried deep. It's the place where you felt like you were truly home. Safety, security, love, warmth - the homeplace.
Mine is a small farmhouse on a dairy farm. 200 acres of barns, fields, Jersey cows, dirt, pastures, ponds, woods - they all make up the homeplace. Anytime I was back in Oklahoma I would drive out to the farm my family no longer owns. I would sit in the driveway & look at the house, the dairy barn & let the memories take me back. I could see it all again. The dairy up & running, cows in the fields, hear the John Deere tractor off in a hay field, see my Nanny working in the garden, & a blond haired blued-eyed girl lying in the grass watching the clouds drift by.
Sometimes I would get out of the car & walk around a bit. Took alot of pictures one day. I would always touch the ground & feel the life of that place flow through me once again. I have always & will always belong to that land. There are the happy memories of my childhood.
Yep, that house built me. The values I learned there have stayed with me for over 5 decades. I can still hear the voices of my grandparents. I can still see them even though they have been gone from this world for many years. My Granddaddy died when I was 16, my Nanny when I was in my mid-30's (on my birthday). But they are never far from my thoughts or my heart. For they, perhaps more than anyone else, helped shape the woman I am today. I was cherished in that house. I was valuable in that house. I was loved, respected, & taught so much in that house.
No matter how far we travel our raising wins out. Mine has as I get older & am once again drawn toward the house that built me. It is time to hold that soil that was farmed by my family in my hand once again, it is time to look at the fields, remember learning to milk a cow, gathering vegetables from the garden, running across fields free with a border collie by my side. Waterboy is buried on that land. He was my first dog, & he is the reason I love dogs. He was the smartest dog I ever knew. He was a joy to watch working cattle. He lived to be 20. He was in my life from my birth & I mourned his passing when I was not quite in my teens.
The Homeplace. The house that built me. To quote another country song "the roots of my raisin' run deep". I hope you, too, have a home place. A place where all that is good about you was built.
~~blessed be...

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

And the winner is...

Back in the day I was a very angry person.  I'm talking the seeing red, totally loosing control, scream, shout, rant & rave kind of anger.  It would come out of nowhere & completely overtake me.  In the midst of full-blown rage I would sometimes feel as if I were out of my body watching this total train wreck, but completely incapable of stopping what was going on right in front of me.  Sadly, I was totally married to that anger.  It was an anger that I hated, but could not seem to control.  It was a scary kind of anger.  Scary to be lashing out in such a negative, hurtful way.  Anger was my power.

I did not want to be that person.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.  There was a lot of anger in my childhood home.  A lot of anger.  The same anger in which I could loose myself.  I hated who I was when the anger took over.  Hated that I could not control the outbursts.  As I began to better understand myself, I began to get a handle on the anger.  Once I understood where the anger was coming from, once I acknowledged my pain, I was able to begin to control the ugliness.

I had always thought if I forgave people for their short-comings, their indiscretions, the pain I had been caused that I would somehow forget & continue to allow people to take advantage, hurt me, treat me as less than a valuable person.  That in forgiving I would give others a power over me.  Hey, I forgive you.  Color me a fool.

As Maya Angelou says "When we know better, we do better."  Well, I learned better.  Forgiveness had absolutely nothing to do with the other person & everything to do with me.  My well-being, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & even physically depended on forgiveness.  I had to forgive everyone & I had to forgive myself.  The day I sat down & actually said the words out loud "I forgive you", I was FREE.  Free of all the anger, free of resentment, free to breathe, free to live fully.  Most of those people have no idea that I have forgiven them.  It wasn't about them, it was about me.   It was hard.  It is never easy to let go of feelings, even the negative ones.  But I do know this.  Forgiveness allowed me to continue to grow as a person, allowed me to find my Path & follow the Road I am meant to travel.  Forgiveness allowed me to know myself honestly, to find my authentic self, my voice.  Forgiveness allowed me to be happy.  Forgiveness allowed me to learn to live within my own skin.  Forgiveness allowed me to see that I could take a stand in a positive manner, voicing my feelings truthfully, & not being afraid to do so.   Forgiveness freed me to accept not only myself, but others as the flawed individuals we all are.  Forgiveness has allowed me to understand why some people are who they are.  It has given me compassion for the Journey of others.  

The anger is gone.  No more outbursts.  Oh, I may state emphatically something I feel strongly about, but I am now so confident in myself that there is no need to scream & shout, rant & rave.  I state my feelings, my beliefs, my opinions then I move onward in my Journey.   If you abuse or mistreat me, I will let you know & I will probably cut you out of my life if I see that this behavior is going to be harmful to my well-being.  But I will forgive you, the wound will not fester in my Spirit.  I will find the lesson in the moment & I will move forward.  That's what forgiveness allows us to move forward in our Journey stronger & wiser with our Spirit healed.   

~~blessed be... 

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Best Revenge...

It has been said that the best revenge is a life well lived. I find that to be true, especially when someone has said to you “You can’t make it without me”. Oh yeah, just watch me. And while you are at it “Eat my dust”.

Sparky was talking about a highly successful businessman he knows that arrives at the office at 5am each morning & has done so for years. Sparky said if that is what it takes to be successful then he guesses he will not be so. I said that most of the highly successful, in the eyes of the world type of people, I have known have also been that way. Arrive early before the troops & get busy. But then I said “You are successful. You are well-respected, you have a good business that supports you & the guys who work for you. You have everything you need & want, you drive new vehicles, you come & go as you please, you are a good honest person, & you have a caring heart. To me that makes you a success – a success as a person & as a businessman.”

I guess I measure success by a very different set of parameters. But that wasn’t always true. I, like so many, used to think that success is measured by the balance in your checking account, the square footage of your house, the car your drive, the investment portfolio you possess. I am, after all, a Baby Boomer. I married that dream once. I pursued it once on my own almost sacrificing my health & peace of mind. Then I woke up to what is really important to ME. I redefined success in my life. I am sure that my definition would not work for some people. I am sure some people would not see my life as successful. I understand – I once saw myself as a complete & utter failure. But then my eyes were opened by Great Spirit & my Totem. I was shown my gifts, my successes, & the attributes that made, & continue to make, me a success as a person.

So, for me success is living my life well. By that I do not mean being rich, well-off, or even comfortable in a monetary sense. I actually live paycheck to paycheck as do most people I know. That has not always been the case but it has been since I moved back to Oklahoma because I took a big pay cut to make that move 10 yrs ago. I am still about $20,000 less that I was making then. In fact, I am making what I made 20 yrs ago. But, I am living better than I ever have. And do you know why? Because I am HAPPY, I am content, I am at peace in my Spirit. I have no stress. When I am stressed out it is of my own making, my own choosing or because I allowed myself to be sucked into someone else’s energy field.

Life is just too damned short to live any way other than what makes you happy. Not superficial happiness, but true happiness. A happiness that radiates from deep within your core being. Happiness & contentment that comes from living in harmony with yourself & your surroundings. Happiness that comes from walking your true path, following your destiny, taking the Journey with an open heart & mind, accepting yourself honestly by admitting your faults & short-comings, accepting those with whom you come in contact the same way. It is not easy, but for me, it is necessary in order to live freely – free from superficiality & lies.

Those who know me will tell you that I possess blunt honesty & I also hope they will tell you that I dispense that honesty with love, compassion, & true caring for others. I have found that speaking the truth is so much better for all concerned. It may cause some people to walk away from you, but then those people are on their own Path & for whatever reason are not meant to walk with you. I have long-time friends that I may talk to only occasionally that will actually call me because “You are my friend who will tell me exactly what is what”. Yep, I definitely will tell you “Which way the cow at the cabbage.” But only because I care & truly want to offer good advice with real solutions to a problem.

Because my heart has been healed I want to help others heal theirs. I think that this is what the psychic meant many years ago when she told me “You are a healer”. I had hoped it meant I could lay on hands & heal people from diseases like cancer, etc. I guess in a way I can. I cannot take away the disease, but I help them deal with the pain in their Spirits. I can ease the road they are traveling. I did this for my brother. I know my Journey toward his crossing over was easier because we faced it together honestly. I believe his Journey was easier because I walked beside him all the way until he let go of my hand & crossed over.

Am I a successful woman? YES!!! …and here are the reasons:

I am at peace with myself
I have made peace with the pain in my past
I have honestly faced my mistakes & failures as a person
I strive daily to be a better person
I have a loving heart
I have a kind, compassionate, giving Spirit
I live in harmony with my environment
I am loyal

I have discovered me, & I like the woman I have become very much.

~~blessed be…

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Cinderella, Snow White, & all that jazz

Seems like all the stories I read as a kid started with "once upon a time" & ended with "and they lived happily ever after."  I chased that stupid fairy tale for way too many years. 

I was raised in a time when a girl was expected to marry & have children.  Oh, you could be a teacher or work in an office but that was just to supplement, help out, not as a career.  I once overheard my Mom tell one of her friends that they sent me to college to find a husband.  I found one alright. 

It took me 20 yrs & two failed marriages to learn that I could rewrite the fairy tale.  That happily ever after could happen without a man in my life.  I could build my own life.  I could be happy on my own.  I could be my own person.  I could set the parameters that defined "me". 

I think the biggest disservice that was, and in some instances still is, done to girls is not empowering them to be independent, self-sufficient, giving them a right to their own voices.  My granddaughters, thank goodness, are being raised to be strong girls.  I sometimes wonder how much more I could have been had my parents thought I was worth more.  I wanted to go to law school, but I got married.  I loved being on stage but I gave up theater because I was a "wife".  I allowed another person to define me.  Actually I allowed many people to define me.  My first brave act was to get a divorce & become a single parent.  My folks were livid.  But, for the first time in my life, I stood my ground.  Still, I felt like I was a failure unless I was "married".  So, I made mistake #2.  That one was out of the frying pan & into the fire.  By then I was so spinning out of control.  I was so damaged that I self-medicated to stop the pain.

Then, one day many years later, I woke up.   Actually, I had been slowly awakening for years.  A couple of strong women helped me along the way.  One day I realized how sick & tired I was of being sick & tired.  I knew that unless I left my marriage & got myself straight I was going to die.  Either he would kill me or I would kill myself - overdose, car wreck, suicide.  I was slowly dying in body, mind, spirit.  But one day I kenw I wanted to live.  I wanted a life.  So, I walked out.  Oh, even though I left physically it was harder to leave emotionally but step by step I was able to do that also.

Has the road been easy?  No, it has not.  Has the Journey been worthwhile?  Absolutely!!  Every day I learned more about myself - the good, the bad, the mediocre.  I chose who I wanted be.  I found my spirituality.  I turned my back on organized religion because it does not work for me - too much hypocracy.  But I have a very deep, personal relationship with Great Spirit.   I read The Bible, The Koran, The Book of Morman, the Dalai Lama, the writings of Buddha, Gandhi, Black Elk, Chief Seattle, Wayne Dyer, TD Jakes, Max Lucado, books on Native Spirituality.  I read alot.   Through all that reading I found my beliefs, my ethics, my moral compass.

So, happily ever after does exist.  It lives in my house.  It lives in my soul.  I am happily ever after because I choose happiness, contentment, peace, joy, & love each day.   So, ask "How are you?" to me & you will get my answer "Fabulous, as always!"

~~blessed be...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

August 26, 1966

This morning one of the maintenance men at work stopped by my office (everyone was gone but me) & said there was a delivery in the lobby.  So I went out to pick it up.  Florist with flowers & when I looked at the card my name was on it.  What a wonderful surprise!! 

44 yrs ago today I met the love of my life...the longest relationship I have had.  It has endured three marriages (two of mine & one of his).  We have never made it down the aisle, but we were engaged for several years not so long ago.  He is my Big Guy, lives in Seattle.  I write about him & our odessesy quite often.  He is the one constant in my life for all these years.  The one person who knew me then, that smalltown girl from OK & he is the one who knows me now.  Still a smalltown girl from OK but one who has seen so much - had such adventures, tragedies, joys, heartbreak, happiness.  He knows the woman I have grown to be, my beliefs, my morals, my ethics.  He knows me better than anyone ever has.  He accepts me, & all that makes me who I am, unconditionally.  He respects me.  He likes me.  And he loves me. 

He was beside me when my brother got his final diagnosis.  He was with us in Key West (I think we will go back there together one day. Remember old memories, make new one).  He was the one I called late at night when it all got to be so overwhelming.  He was my rock.  He was with me when my brother died.  He was beside me at the wake, the funeral, the cemetery.  He got me through those first days of grief.   He was the one who took care of me when I physically collapsed.  He has always been in my heart from the time I was 14 yrs old.  He was my first kiss.  My first love.  My true love.

He has sent me red & yellow roses for years on our anniversary but I am always surprised when they arrive.  Red ones for each decade (they signify love), yellow ones for each year in the decade (yellow roses are my favorite & also signify friendship).  So this year it was 4 red & 4 yellow.   And I was, once again, touched & surprised.  It made my day, & I felt loved, special, cherished.  That is after all our song....Cherish by The Association.  I hear that song & remember his Mom bringing me the 45rpm from him so many years ago when he was attending Staunton Military Academy in VA & his folks came to OK to visit his Mom's family.   We ususally call each other when we hear it on the radio. 

So, today is my 44th Anniversary!  The only one I celebrate.  One day, every year, I am once again 14.  First kiss, first love.   I do love you Big Guy!!  Forever...

~~blessed be...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I know you're out there somewhere...

That Moody Blues song has been running through my head for weeks.  Sometimes the whole song, sometimes just that phrase.  I've been wondering exactly what it means.  Could just be the fact that I really like that song, could be something else.  I really think that it has alot to do with the fact that my life is going really good.  I love my new job so that part of my life is stablized.  I am in such a good place right now.  Peaceful, contented, happy - a really good place emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.  These aspects have never all come together at the same time before.  I am liking the feeling.  I am happy where I live, my house is perfect for me & the furry kids.  I am comfortable being me.   Life is just plain good.  I really don't ever want to marry again & I  love living without another human in the house.  I like being on my own making my own decisions.  The relationship I am in is completely plutonic & that is the way I want it.  I love the guy, but as a very good friend.  I am not "in love" with him nor is he in love with me.  We're buddies, we hang out, we share our lives.  We are a team, we watch out for each other, we have each other's back.

I have been deeply, completely in love & I have been loved that way in return. I am loved that way now by a wonderful man I have known for 44 yrs-unconditionally, accepted just as I am.  It's a good feeling, but it is not a marriage thing it is a lifetime friendship kinda thing.  But, I keep having this feeling -- You're out there somewhere.  If you are, you're gonna have to find me 'cause I'm not out there looking for you.  My life is complete & to go through what is involved in adding a new person to the mix is just not worth it to me unless it is going to be a spectacular, soulmate, forever kinda thing.  And you are going to have to pursue me, love the furbabies, accept my beliefs, & give me my space.  You are gonna have to fall in love with me & convince me fall in love with you.  You need to have a good job, money in the bank, & the ability to take care of me financially (in my last marriage I was that person so now it is someone else's turn). It's alot to ask of another person.  But, you just might be out there...somewhere.  And I just might find out that there is room in my life for you.

~~blessed be...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Over the Rainbow

This evening, on Hwy 75 between Denison & Sherman, TX there was the most beautiful rainbow that seemed to last forever.  The colors were vibrant & so alive.  The greatest feeling of peace & joy washed over me.

Driving back to OK on Hwy 84, the top down on the 'Vette with the wind blowing across my face I felt so alive, so free.  It has been 15 yrs since I was on the back of a Harley, but tonight I had that same feeling again.  The darkest night, a cool breeze blowing through my hair, across my face.  The feeling of flying through the darkness toward home.  I think that must be the feeling when you die.  Pure joy, freedom, & excitement with the wind whipping you along toward Home.  I know why my brother was smiling when he crossed over. 


Tonight the air smelled so clean, just a hint of rain still in the air.   The air was fresh & I just couldn't suck it into my lungs fast enough.  I just settled down in the seat, closed my eyes, breathed deeply & lost myself in the music, the night, the darkness.  I could have driven back roads all night just letting my senses experience the darkness, the smells, the feel of the wind, the coolness on my skin.  There in the darkness it was like being alone to truly experience the Universe as it readied the night.  The stars popped out, I could imagine that the nightbirds were beginning to call in faraway fields, the night creatures beginning to emerge for their adventures.  Somewhere I am sure a coyote howled, but I could not hear it.  Then as the night begins to turn to day the night creatures will scurry home to sleep & the day will awaken with the calls of birds.  I love to hear the cooing of the doves as day breaks.  The sun will rise, the day will be come hot, & all will seek shelter in the shade of trees. 

It is truly the simple things that bring the most pleasure.   Tonight was one of the best nights of my life because I remembered to experience all that was around me in the moment.  To live completely in the Now.  To see the beauty of a hot day turning to a lovely night.  To know that all was right with the Universe.  To know that generations of people had experienced that same beauty.  The Circle of Life goes round & round.  It stops for no one but we can stop & experience the Moment.  "Life is not about the breaths we take, but about the Moments that take our breath away". 

~~blessed be...

Monday, August 2, 2010

A nice surprise

Thanks to Yeve Eeffoc for visiting, & for the award. It's always nice to get a new reader, & a wonderful surprise to get an award.  You can visit her at

                   Here are the rules that go along with receiving the award:

a) Thank the person who gave you this award

                         b) Tell 7 things about yourself

                         c) nominate 15 newly discovered blogs to share this award!


b) goes:

  1. I recently started a new job as you know if you have been reading lately.  The previous job was just a real drag with way too much drama.  The new one is FABULOUS!!  Wonderful, hard-working people who come to work to...are you ready...WORK!!  What a concept.
  2. I have one son, one daughter-in-law, 3 grandchildren.  They are the gifts that I did not deserve, but am so blessed to have received. 
  3. I have rediscovered friends from highschool through Facebook.  Actually, not really hang out kinda friends in highschool just had classes together knew who they were kinda friends (as is sometimes the case in small towns where you do "know" everybody).  I have a very strong connection with one & she has become a very important member of my Tribe.
  4. I have the gift of second sight.  I see what others do not or cannot.  I have premonitions.  I interpret dreams & am learning to read Medicine Cards (similar to Tarot but deal with Native American spirit animals)
  5. I live in the "Now".  I experience each day fully, relish in the Adventure each new day brings.  Then I put it to bed & begin again the next day.
  6. I practice Gratitude each & every day.  Even if all I do is say "Thank you" before falling asleep, because no matter the road you are traveling each day is a gift to be treasured.
  7. From each experience, good or bad or in between, there is a lesson to be learned that helps you on your Journey toward your true destiny.  Only when I have failed to recognize the Lesson have I been doomed to repeat it.  Once I have gained the knowledge, I move forward & do not tread that road again.  Sometimes this has been very hard to remember.  At times the lessons were not clear because I was to mired in Ego & refused to surrender to that which is greater than me.  Great Spirit has been patient as I have walked my road.
c)  I nominate all the blogs that are on my sidebar.  They are each exceptional in their own right: insightful, informative, funny, thoughtful, & inspiring.  Check them out for yourself. Be sure to grab the award for yourself when you stop by for a visit & share in the fun.

~~blessed be...

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Free Spirit

I am always amazed when a total stranger "gets" me.  Happened yesterday.  I was getting my hair cut & was using a new stylist.  We had talked about this & that when she made the comment "You are a free spirit".  I laughed & said she was right.  I found it amazing that she figured that out after a hit & miss kind of conversation.  Truly amazing.

I think some of it came from the fact that I was totally relaxed, completely peaceful & content.  No stress.  I started my new job on Thursday.  It is going good, alot to absord & get caught up but I come home tired in a very contented, "got something accomplished" kind of way.  It is a good tired.  I am happy.  Overwhelmed somewhat but happy.  I have a very nice peaceful office.  Everyone works all day, not alot of chatter, so far no drama.  There is a very good vibe in the office.  I noticed that the first time I interviewed there.  Really nice vibe.

I was thinking today how much has changed in my life the last 40 yrs since high school graduation.  Seems so long ago but also such a short time ago.  I have seen so much, experienced so much, had such wonderful adventures, experienced such tragedy & joy.  I am not the Oklahoma Girl I was that May night when I walked across the stage & received my high school diploma nor am I the same Oklahoma Girl who walked across the stage three years later on a hot August morning to receive my BA degree.   How I have grown, but in some ways I have stayed the same only I have become free to be who I was meant to be.  I have courage now that I never thought I possessed.  I have a strength that sometimes is a surprise even to me.  I am gutsy & brave.  Two things I never was in high school or college or even as a young adult.  When ex-husband #2 told me I had changed when I explained why I could no longer be his wife, I agreed.  I explained Life had changed me.  He meant it as an insult, I meant it as a compliment to myself.  If I had not changed I would be dead now.  If I had not changed I would not be who I am today & I like the woman into whom I have evolved.  I like being strong, brave, gutsy, irreverant with a cutting sense of humor, a bend toward scarcasim, a strong belief in Great Spirit, & a deep sense of all that I cannot see.  I am glad to have embraced my gifts, of being able to see what others sometimes cannot, of being in tune with the Spiritual world.  I am happy that I have been able to reinvent the Oklahoma Girl I once was into the Oklahoma Girl I am today.  I have kept that which was good, thrown away that which did not suit me, added the things that I want to be a part of me, embraced those things that make me different from others. I have evolved into a complete person. 

I am fine-tuning the last reinvention right now.  I got stuck for a couple of years in a deadend job that was sucking the joy out of me.  I got mired in someone else's mud.  Well, I just took myself a big old truck & pulled my show out.  I am moving on down the road now, free of mud, following the sun.   I am getting back to the world of positive thinking, knowing that the Universe is indeed spinning in the right direction taking me toward my true Destiny.  I feel hopeful!!  I know that I will be able to work, then leave the work behind when I lock my office door.  I will be able to get back to my writing (not the blog, but my writing that I hope someday will be published), get back to my spiritual practices, my reading, my art.  I will begin again to truly take care of myself -- mind, body, spirit.  I feel free now rather than trapped in a life that I did not want.  There will be changes.  When they will all transpire I do not know, but I know there are a couple of things I need to do for myself so that I can be truly my authentic self.

I do hear the beat of my own drum. I am a free spirit set on experiencing Life & all it has to offer. I love Adventure, I love my Journey, I embrace the lessons I have learned & the ones yet to learn.  I relish what is about to unfold in my Destiny. 

So for now, all I can say is "Look out World" 'cause I'm back.

~~blessed be...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


"It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter" -- Marlene Dietrich


If I was gonna write a song, it would be called 4:00am Friends using the Dietrich quote as part of the chorus.   

It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter
It's the friend who is instantly awake
It's the friend who says "I'll be right there"
It's the friend who flys across the country just because you are in need
It's the friend who never asks "What were you thinking?"
It's the friend who hears your pain
It's the friend who says "I love you-hang on til I get there"
It's the friend who makes a pot of coffee & talks to you on phone while all the world is sleeping
It's the friend who never judges, but offers sound advice
It's the friend who offers counsel & tells you things will turn out alright
It's the friend who says "Come stay with me - we will find the way together"
It's the friend who cries along with you even when they think the guy is a bastard
It's the friend who never says "I told you so"
It's the friend who asks "What can I do, what do you need, are you ok?"
It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter


These are the friends that we hope, at least once in our lives, that we have.  It is the friend we hope to be when someone is hurting.  I know who are on that list in my life.  I know who I can, & have called, at 4am.  I know what it is to come instantly awake, ready for whatever that call or knock on the door is bringing.   This is unconditional love, a servant's spirit.  This is truly loving someone else at least as much as yourself but in truth loving them more.  Being ready for spiritual warfare at times, being ready to jump in the truck & load up their stuff at another, or simply being the shoulder they can cry on.  To drive where ever it is that they can be safe.  It is calling the cops because you just might kill the bastard for what he did & he ain't worth sittin' in jail about.  It is crying at the tragedy, comforting others, making breakfast, calling friends & relatives with the news.  It is sitting at a hospital bedside, it is taking charge, it is just being there.  It is sitting quietly because words are not necessary.  It is holding hands because that is all you can do.  It is being strong for someone else & breaking down privately.  It is 4am, & you just got the call.

~~blessed be...

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Oh Thank Goodness, It's Not Just Me! Oh Thank Goodness, It's Not Just Me! Movie


I had girl friends when I was a child, a teenager, a young woman.  But, oddly enough while I had female friends even a couple I qualified as "best" friends my close friends were all guys.  To this day, I still have very close guy friends.  They are a very important part of my life & a continued blessing. With no romantic ties we just seemed to click, to be able to connect on a different level, to gain insight from one another & to ask those questions you cannot ask or get real answers from a same sex friend (despite what we think, women really don't know what guys are thinking- you actually have to get clarification from a guy). 

In my second marriage I was, due to the abuse that began then escalated, cutoff from my past, my friends, my family.  As I entered my 40's I began to connect with female friends.  I know now that it was Great Spirit sending these particular women into my life to aide me on my Journey, to show me lessons I must learn, to guide me in my Growth.  The first of these women were in my life only for a Season, for the time that we needed each other, for the support, the love, the Growth that I know took place in my life & perhaps in their lives also.   I have completely lost touch with them, but I remember them fondly & cherish the time we had together.  They gave me strength & courage.

As I changed my life, my job, my location in my 40's I found other friends.  One particular young woman was a very unexpected find as a friend.  We were very different, at different places in our Journeys.  Raised differently, with different lives. But, when we worked together we became inseparable.  You very rarely saw one of us without the other.  We were a team & handled the job together.  She is still in my life.  Not daily, but from time to time we reconnect, catch up, chat for hours.  She is still a very important part of my life even though I have not seen her for over 10 years.  She is part of my Tribe, a sister-friend.  I am so proud of her two older children that I have watched grow up through the years to become wonderful, successful, giving, loving individuals who have found their place in the world as young adults.  It has been a pleasure to watch their Journeys from afar.

Over the last 10-12 yrs wonderful women have come into my life at different times.  Two that are also a part of my Tribe, sister-friends, came to me through my dearest brother.  They are a gift he gave me when he knew he would be leaving this Life for the Other Side.

One I have watched grow as a beautiful young woman with a loving, caring, giving Spirit.  She does a Mission trip each year now.  I am so very proud of the woman she is becoming.  She is someone that I "clicked" with immediately.  We live an hour apart & sometimes that is just too far to get together as much as we would like, but when we are together it is a blessing & I cherish her friendship.

The other lives across the ocean much too far for visits, but we stay in touch through FB, blogs, e-mail, & our heart-connection.  She supported Dave & me through his illness & death.  She loved him so much just as I do.  We supported each other when it was learned that her husband had the same cancer as Dave.  Then from thousands of miles apart I supported her as her beloved became more ill & then crossed over to join our darlin' Dave.  She is a part of my Tribe,  my heart-sister, the one who truly understands the struggle, the Journey.  She is my other half that I discovered on a hot Oklahoma afternoon then danced into the night with at a blues club.  We have an unbreakable bond, we have faced death together.  She is embedded deep within my Spirit-inseparable even when separated by distance.

Through this friend I have met, via blog, two wonderful young women in Canada.  I have been through the struggles/disappointments/tragedies in their lives with them.  Able to offer encourgement, sympathy, empathy to wonderful women whom I have yet to meet in person.  I hope to be able to actually just hug, hug, hug them someday.  They are important members of my Tribe also.  My sister-friends from afar.  They are such blessings to me through their wisdom, encouragement, & love for someone they have never met.  But, no matter, we have a strong bond.

Now, in my late 50's (OMG I am older than dirt), I have rediscovered a friend from high school.  We really weren't friends in school, didn't hang out, just had classes together.  Knew each other as kids in HS do.  Then we found each other on FB.  Immediate connection.  Again, separated by three states but not in our Spirits-our hearts.  We talk often by phone, e-mail, FB, text messages.  She is a fixture in my life, a blessing, & I cannot imagine not having her as a friend.   She is my Tribe, my sister-friend.

I have connected with new female friends through this blog.  One wonderful young woman lives in OKC & is such a blessing in my life.  I am old enough to be her mother, but we connect on a level that has nothing to do with age.  It is a spiritual connection.  I so admire her Journey.  Her road has not been easy all the time & she has faced big struggles.  I revel at the grace with which she has faced her life & the challenges.  I am so very proud of her.  When we speak by phone or in person the conversations are easy, carefree, & comfortable.  It is always, from the first moment, as if we have always known each other.  She brings a beauty to my life for which I am so grateful. 

What I have discovered in this Journey is that friendships can come from the most unexpected situations, at the most unexpected times.  Women you would never have thought might be a friend at first glance.  Women you have never met in person, but know so well through their writings.  There are several such women in my life that I visit daily through their blogs.  Sometimes a comment seems necessary, a bit of advice or wisdom to share, a word of encourgement, a hug & a blessing sent through the Universe, a prayer for healing.  They are all important in my Life, a part of this Journey.

The Seasons of My Life are not as long as they once were, I have reached Autumn.  I have friends who are in Spring, Summer, & Autumn.  I pray they will go through Winter with me.  These are the women that I want to see me safely on my Journey to the Other Side.

I dedicate the movie link to each of you: my friends, my Tribe, my sister-friends.  Friendships in my 50's are so much stronger, more appreciated, more loving, more important & meaningful than they ever where in my teens, 20's, & 30's.  Those, somehow, just seem now to have been so superficial even though I know they all shaped me in many different ways.  They allowed me to know the kind of friend I want to be as well as knowing the kind of friends I want in my life.  The Journey of that discovery began with the friends of my 40's & continues.  These are the friends of my Lifetime, forever a part of my Spirit.  I cannot wait to see where all of our Journeys lead us.

So whether it is for a Season or a Lifetime: cherish, honor, love, respect, be there for your female friends because they are a very important part of the Journey.  It is a community of love, strength, support, & caring.

~~blessed be...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

This ain't my first rodeo...

cowgirl request rodeo Images

One of my favorite sayings.  Seems to be appropo in most of my life situations.  I was reflecting on this one day last week when I was facing a situation (nothing serious) where I bit my tongue not to say "This ain't my first rodeo".  How true, how true.  My life has been one "rodeo" after another.  Cowboys, horses (including the iron ones), cattle stampedes, storms, bad guys, oil field workers, saloon girls, the "law", moves across the Country dragging all I owned with me (leaving some along the way). 

Back in the day, I dated a bull rider (he was also a tool pusher with an oil company) & then a calf roper (worked on a ranch).  We hauled to rodeos all over.  Bull riders are crazy.  They have to be. LOL  He failed to give me an important piece of information however---married w/kids.  When I found out (he gave me his home phone number -what a fool- & the wife answered one night), & he finally got me to talk to him,  he told me "I knew if I told you I was married you wouldn't go out with me".  Duh!!  Calf roper was at least single.  Just not stable boyfriend or husband material.  That relationship lasted about 6 seconds.  Then there was the biker who rode a Harley.  Found out he was a member of the KKK.  Ran for the nearest exit on that one too.  He never knew I found out.  

The storms have been of the emotional sort.  They come along in everyone's life.  It is not so much the damage from the storm as how you weather it.   I have weathered them well as it turns out.  Not always so sure when I was in the midst of it all, but looking back it's all good because I walked out with my life, dignity, & self-respect.  I have been battered & bruised but I have not been beaten.  Life has handed me some struggles but I am who I am because of them.  I am a better woman than I could have ever hoped to be if I had not faced adversity. 

I have been considering undergoing hypnosis to try & remember all that I cannot remember of my childhood.  I have very few memories of my years before my late teens early 20's.  Just bits & pieces of things that float up now & again.  Most of my childhood I rebuilt based on talks I had with my brother & things he remembered (he had a very good memory of our childhood, but I am 5 yrs older).  I just cannot remember anything, never could.  I really would like some questions answered but I wonder if knowing would be worse than not remembering.   I just don't know.  I have survived alot in adulthood, & I remember all of it.  Maybe it just isn't important to remember anything else.  Maybe it is all buried in the deep recesses of my mind for a reason.   So, no decision on the hypnosis.  Sometimes I want to, sometimes I say Nay just let it lie.

Yep, this ain't my first rodeo.  And, it won't be my last.  Whatever comes along I know I can not only handle it, I can survive it. 

~~blessed be...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Talking to my angel

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."--Buddha


My brother played this song for me one afternoon as we were driving home from OKC. He told me he wanted it played at his funeral, & it was. The words speak to me on so many levels. And for some reason when I read the quote above I thought of this song. I think it's because I have health, I am content (as was my brother even when he knew he was terminal), & while neither of us were successful at marriage I know that both of us have/had successful relationships because we are faithful friends.

Yesterday, I got a call from my Big Guy in Seattle to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It was a very nice surprise. He had spoken with his aunt & since his cousin was there they chatted also. As he was concluding our chat, he said "I love you. I told my cousin that we may disagree, argue, etc but I love you & I hope you know that." I told him that I do know that, it is the constant that has been in my life since I was 14. I have never doubted his love. We can't seem to make a life together come together but I have no doubt of his love for me. I love him also. It is the longest relationship of my life, the only truly successful relationship I have ever had with a guy--44 years this Fall. We probably would have destroyed each other if we had actually married that long ago--we were two damaged people who had to find our way to contentment & peace. Don't think we could have done it together because the Journey has lead us down very different paths. Sometimes the paths have converged but mostly not. I cherish him in my life. Someday who knows what may happen, but he is my rock, someone I can call in the middle of the night & he will wake up & be there for me. He would catch a plane on a moment's notice to be with me if I needed him. All I have to do is ask. I am blessed to have him in my life.

So, I sometimes lament my failed marriages. But I have good, strong relationships with people. Relationships with friends who truly know me, they "get" me, they accept the authentic me. And, I feel the same about them. So, in that context, I am successful. I am content in my life, with the mistakes I have made, with the Path I am now walking in my Journey. Therefore, I may lack material wealth, but I am wealthy beyond measure. I am blessed with good health despite my own attempts to abuse body & mind in my youth. Sleeping with a CPAP machine & taking thyroid meds every day are just inconsequencial when others suffer so much. I am a blessed woman & I know it. I thank Great Spirit everyday for all that has been given me.

"I've been talking to my angel, and he says that it's alright"

~~blessed be...

MCLinky Monday


A - Age: 58

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: dusting - a necessary evil

D - Dog(s') name: Lobo, Scrappy, & Zane

E - Essential start your day item: Caffiene

F - Favorite color: Red

G - Gold or Silver or Platinum: Silver

H - Height: 5'7"

I - Instruments you play(ed): zilch, zero, nada, not a one

J - Job title: Administrative Assistant/Office Mgr

K - Kid(s): Son age 33

L - Living arrangements: House w/ 3 dogs

M - Mom's name: LaDell

N - Nicknames: Sweet Thang, "D", Wild Child

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Wisdom teeth extracted, complete hysterectomy (after going through menopause--WHAT THE HECK is up with THAT?!?!?!?!!)

P - Pet Peeve: People who DO NOT use their turn signals.

Q - Quote from a movie/show: "there are people in this world to save you when you need saving, to cover your ass when it needs covering, and who are always there when you need someone to lean on"--The YaYa Sisterhood

R - Right handed or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: One brother

T - Time you wake up: 5:30am-6:00am on weekdays; 7:00am-8:00am on weekends

U- Underwear: Yeah, yeah.  I live in a smalltown, just one accident & the tongues would wag for a month if I didn't

V - Vegetable you dislike: Beets

W - Why you run late: I don't

X - X-rays you've had: Teeth, back, shoulder, chest, collarbone

Y - Yummy food you make: Key Lime Pie

Z - Zoo favorite: I don't visit zoos anymore.  I do go to animal sanctuaries especially the ones that rescue wolves (my Totem animal)

~~blessed be...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Ramblings on a Thursday morning...

I'm an Oklahoma Girl

Red dirt courses thru my veins
Ya’ll falls softly from my lips
I talk slow, no sign of a drawl
But I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I love the smell of new mown hay
I can tell you what kind of cow is in that field
I can drive a John Deere
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I wear boots & jeans with diamond rings
I am at home in lace & pearls
I learned to drive in an old Chevy truck
Bumping over ruts in a pasture
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve shoveled out cow barns
I can milk by hand
I’ve hoed the garden
I’ve watched the dehorning
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve fed the calves
I’ve watered the horses
I’ve called the cows in to be milked
I’ve called the dog to kill a snake
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I drink coffee from Starbucks
I shop at Whole Foods
I’ve traveled the country
I’ve searched for an identity
I’ve found my way home
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I lived in big cities far from the hills
Saw mountains that touched the sky
Walked in the shadows far from the light
Always an Oklahoma Girl

I lived a fast life
I rode the back of a Harley
But nothing compared to riding my pony
I’ve climbed the Cascades, topped the Rockies
But, nothing compared to seeing the Arbuckles in the summer sun
wildflowers gracing the centuries old rocky face
I am, after all, an Oklahoma Girl

Neon lit many a sky
Turned night into day
Sounds of traffic played a sweet song
Sounds of the city both night & day
But, I am an Oklahoma Girl

Thunderheads come up far to the west
Lightening dances
Thunder booms far off in the distance
The clouds are black turning to green
I am an Oklahoma Girl taught to read the signs

Spring is upon us
Tornados are a part of our existence
Don't head for the cellar
Stand on the porch & watch it unfold
I'm an Oklahoma Girl

It's hailing they said that Oregon afternoon
Our cars will be dented
Our insurance is doomed
What, that's not hail I shouted
Pea-sized , HA HA
Don't call me til it's at least golfball.
Silly, people
I'm an Oklahoma Girl & I know hail

I’ve watched the sun set on Key West
But nothing can match the colors of pink, purple & gold
when the sun sets on the Oklahoma horizon
Nothing compares to the night the full moon graces an Oklahoma sky
The stars dance thru the heavens
The night birds call
A soft breeze blows thru my hair
I smell the honeysuckle, the roses
I let out a long breath, I am home

I am an Oklahoma Girl

~~blessed be...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

There is no death

"Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.
~~ Lao Tzu "

                                Dave                 James         Bev


This picture was taken on a very happy night at Charlies Last Stand in OKC.  Dave & James were both terminal with the same cancer.  Bev, James' wife, is my heart-sister - the one who best understands, the one with whom I share a history of so much.   Dave brought these people into my life.  I guess he knew that Bev & I would need each other to lean on through the years we have left to walk through this life. 

Several weeks ago James came to me in my dreams.  I had been going through a rocky spot.  Nothing too serious, just a bit of discontent.  Trying to figure out what to do next with my life.  Then, there was James.  It was a beautiful visit, brought me much peace, & while I am still interpreting some of the message I have been much more myself-peaceful, spirit-filled, joyful, happy.

Last Sunday I was mowing the yard.  I had moved to the backyard & was running around the grass on my Yardman Bug (small riding mower) with my mind very quiet just enjoying the day (I meditate quiet often on the mower-the hum of the engine quiets my Spirit & mind).  Then out the corner of my eye as I made a turn I caught the movement of the door opening that leads from the garage to the patio.  I kinda jumped then realized it was my brother, Dave.  He was there but a moment standing on my patio.  As he did in life, & now from the Other Side, he spoke in my heart.  Just checking in, I'm ok. Me, too I said out loud.  I miss you. Love ya, bro! And he was gone in a heartbeat.  Back I am sure to riding that Harley that I promised he would climb on when he crossed over.

It had been awhile since I had seen Dave.  Strange, I had just mentioned to Sparky a couple of days before that I see dead people quite often (although I do not believe they are dead, just crossed over to the Other Side living the next Adventure), that I hear Spirits talking to me, I have visons, & get messages, but over the last several years nothing from Dave.  Guess my little brother had to prove me wrong (he liked to do that). 

After that visit something shifted within me.  I think it was a complete, final settling of my Spirit that had not yet occured after Dave crossed over.   It was as if something actually lifted from within me.  Like a deep, cleansing breath.  A reminder of what I have always believed...there is no death, no ending of a Spirit.  We leave the body that no longer serves us in human form behind, but we-the True essence of us, our Spirit- continue to live.  We cross over to the Other Side.  The home from which we came when we decided to have a human experience.  We are all Spiritual beings who have always lived.  We will always be alive.  Do we reincarnate & live many human lives?  I have no answer for that.  I have, all my life, experienced de ja vu.  I have, in the past, gotten what I thought was a glimpse of a past life.  Where I lived, who I was in an abstract sort of way.  I have felt I walked a particular street before, in a place where I had never been in this life.  So, that will be an answer I will get as my Journey continues.  I like the concept of reincarnation.  I understand the need to "get it right" as we walk through our lives.  Do we get chances for do overs when we cross over with mistakes, missteps still on our hearts?  I don't know, but I wouldn't mind being able to take all I have learned in this Journey & apply it to another Journey.   All I do know is this...death of the body is not death of the Spirit.  There is much between the seen & unseen worlds.  And I believe deeply in the unseen.  I have felt it all my life.

I will miss my brother & James, & all the others who have gone before until I am again united with them on the Other Side.  But, I will grieve no more.  I will remember, I will honor their lives.  I will laugh at the funny memories.  I will cry at the unfairness of lives cut too short, too soon.  But, I am alive.  My Journey is not yet over.  I have much to do.   Places to go, people to see, destiny to fulfill, lives to impact.  I have much left to accomplish.  James & Dave have reminded me of that.

Thanks my brothers!!  Til we meet again, on the Other Side...or the next time you know I need a visit.

~~blessed be...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Step back, breath...

    The present

+ an attitude of gratitude

+ positive action
= my perfect life.

Excerpt from: Living a Five Star Life,
by Betty Mahalik


I have much for which I am grateful.  Sometimes I get so hung up in looking into the future that I forget to stop & simply say "Thank you" for all that I have today.  After all, today is really all we have.  As the saying goes, "Life is what happens when we are making plans".  That is so very true, & I have seen it first-hand on more than one occasion.  Plans are good, but not when the planning of  Life hampers the Living of Life.  Life is meant to to be a full-out, adrenaline pumping, head-long race.  Not to a goal so much as to an Adventure.  At least that is what it has always been for me.   The Adventure of  Living  is what makes Life so exciting, fulfilling, & worth-while.  Because when you are in that Adventure you experience, truly experience, all that Life has to offer.  Mostly good, but some tragic.  But it is through tragedy that we learn to savor the good times, to remember that Life is short-lived (shorter for some than others), & that we must take time for what is truly important.  Love, living fully, service to others, compassion, acceptance, humility, humanity, tolerance.  To serve & love others as much or more than yourself is truly a Life well lived.

So, today I stopped, took a deep breath, & remember all the things (in no particular order) for which I am grateful:

  • Great friends
  • A job
  • A lovely home
  • A reliable car
  • Good health
  • My sanity
  • The ability to do as I please with my free-time
  • Sitting on the back patio at sunset with my pupsters enjoying the last vestige of the day
  • Watching the sun go down, the moon come up & the stars coming out to play
  • Watching lightening bugs dance across the yard
  • Listening to the doves coo
  • Watching the sun come up & the world come alive
  • Being greeted with puppy kisses & hugs
  • The smiles that light up the faces of my grandchildren
  • Laughter
  • A day filled with sunshine
  • A little jingle in my pocket for a treat now & then
  • A personal relationship with Great Spirit
  • A loving relationship with my son & his family
  • Beautiful, smart, happy, healthy grandchildren
The list could go on, but I think you get the idea.  It is the simple things, the things that we all go to work each day to provide ourselves & our family.  It is the things that cannot be bought with the fruits of our labors.  It is all the things with which we are blessed.  Not because we deserve any of  them, but because the Universe saw fit to give them to us.

So, let's just stop-step back-breath-& say "Thank you". 

~~blessed be...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Musings on a rainy Sunday afternoon

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -Lao Tzu


Got a real surprise Friday afternoon just before 5pm.  The boss & his wife took me out for coffee at a local coffee shop near the office.  We had a very nice chat, enjoyed a very nice coffee frappe, & it started the weekend off pleasantly. 

Spent several hours in Ada on Saturday. Sparky was behind in his filing.  That is really a misstatement since he never files.  So, I should say I was very behind in my filing.  Got it all taken care of in about 90 minutes.  He had sold his older bucket truck (one we bought 10 yrs ago) & the buyer came to pick it up.  Kinda bitter sweet because I remembered when we went to Springfield, MO to get it, driving it back to OK, then all the times I drove it on jobs with him, & the times I actually worked up in the bucket.   So much has happened in that 10 yrs.  We went to lunch with a couple who have been his friends for over 20 yrs to celebrate her birthday.  Went to the new Chinese restaurant.  Very good food.  They actually had sushi & a mongolian grill not to mention way too many selections on the buffet.  Then I came home early afternoon, did laundry, & hung out with the pupsters.  It rained all day, into the night, & is still raining.  I have spent today cleaning the kitchen, watching movies, then I made buffalo chili.  Turned out really good.  Lots of spices.

The quote above really spoke to me today.  In fact, it would have spoken to me on any day lately.  I never, ever expected to still be in OK in 2010.  My plans 5 1/2 yrs ago were to move to Seattle.  I like Seattle, I liked the life I had there with my Big Guy (he is still there, has a very nice life, & is getting his business going).  I miss the social life I had there. 

The photo is the sunset off Mallory Square in Key West.  That is where my heart is & has been since I went there on a trip my brother requested (he called it his Make a Wish trip).  I love the ocean, the beach, the sun, the laid back lifestyle.  I like the ecclectic vibe.  I like the nightlife.  But mostly I like the acceptance of everyone's exintricities.   It is a place where you can just "be".  I long to just be. 

I know it is time to get back to my writing.  Back to the novel that has been shelved for way too long.  I have had a hard time getting back to my life since my brother died.  I got so wrapped up in his care, in his cancer, that I lost myself.  I lost my drive to live my dream.  I lost my creativity.  I do not in any way regret devoting my life to my brother during his illness.  It was an honor & a priviledge to serve him, to take care of him, to do all that needed to be done.  But here I am, almost six years later, still trying to get back to myself.  For some reason, I have found that very hard to do in OK.  I love OK, don't get me wrong.  She is the land of my birth, red dirt flows in my veins, I am an Okie.  But I am more.  That more is difficult to grasp in the circle in which I now exist.  Sparky has never lived more than 30 miles from where he was born, & that is ok.  He is content, it is the life he wants.  For me, I have been to the city & I have seen the elephant.  My horizons have expanded so far beyond the horizon I can see from my window.  I miss seeing the elephant.  I miss stimulating conversations.  I miss the arts, discussing best sellers, exploring out of the way neighborhoods.  I miss trying new, exotic, ethnic restaurants.  I miss festivals, & walks in parks. 

I live 1.5 hrs from two large cities, 4 hrs from another one.  When we go to these cities for a day, I always remember that Sparky does not "get" what I like to do.  He is not a walker (that has to do with a foot problem).  He is not a lover of art, movies (I am a fanatic for movies, but have not been "to the movies" since I quit going to Seattle), or music other than metal or oldies Rock.  He has never read a book so while I can browse in a bookstore for hours, he cannot.  I did get him to try Latin food the other day, but he does not have adventurous taste buds either.  He is steady, a good man, & I am told often (by others) how lucky I am to have him in my life.  I am blessed, I know that.  But I am dying in my spirit. 

I do go out of town by myself every other month or so.  I get my hair trimmed, I eat Indian food at a restaurant I really like, I explore out of the way shops I have heard about.  But, I need to sit down in a coffee shop with like-minded friends & have real talks. 

I am at a crossroads in my life.  I know what my heart tells me, but I also know that I am "stuck" here in many ways.  Mostly because the job market is terrible.  I am not 20 any more.  When I was, I just picked up & went.  Now I think about reinventing myself rather than just doing it.   I have obligations that I could not handle if I lived in Key West or Seattle, or Montana.  It appears that I will be in OK for many more years.  How do I get my life back, stay here, & not lose myself in the process?  How do I find what I gave up when I moved back here?   

Whiney aren't I?  I think the weather gets me thinking like this.  I need sunshine, hot weather, I need to go for a long run.  Make that a walk, I might be a little out of shape to start with a run. LOL

I need to take time each day to write.  I need to get together with my "big city" friends.  I need a day to "do lunch", go out for coffee, listen to music, sit at a sidewalk cafe', browse a bookstore, have a stimulating conversation with friends who have diverse views.  I need mental stimulation.  I need to go sit on a rock & contemplate.  I need to not just recharge my Spirit, but I need to replenish my well that has run dry. 

I need to find myself again.

~~blessed be...