Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday Morning in the South,,,

Here I am, another Sunday morning.  Getting ready for that first cup of coffee, watch some news, start the day.  Today, I have to make a start.  Start to do something.  Start to clean the house or at least put everything where it belongs.  Seems like since I got that phone call on Nov 27th I cannot get anything done.  Seems as if I have done nothing but run.  Run to hospitals, run to Mama's house, run to take care of this person or that person.  I love helping my Pops.  I take him to his out of town doctor appointments.  No big deal there I was doing that when Mama was alive.  I check in on my landlord (he is 93)  - no big deal there, I was doing that before Mama died.  But it seems as though everyone conspired to "need" me as soon as Mama died.  As my dear soul-sister, N, tells me I have had no time to grieve.  I had the awakening last night that she is so very right.  Now I am doing what I should have done a month ago.  Sitting & crying. 

Today is the day that if I cry it is ok.  Today is the day I will at least clean one room of my house.  Today is the day I should run the vacuum.  Today is the day I actively begin to live in the world where my Mama no longer lives. 

I have been taking time for myself, but this weekend is different.  I have faced the fact that it is not changes I need to make in my life, it is changes I need to make in my grieving process.  I actually need to stop.  Just plain stop doing anything that I do not really, really want to do.  I need to do for me.  Whatever makes me feel stronger, better, clearer, less sad.  And I need to stop doing those things that others think will get me through this part of my Journey.  Only I know that Path I need to walk to get back to perfect balance/harmony in my Journey.  It is ok to be sad, it is ok to sit & cry.  It is ok to just be. 

I have walked the Path of Grief before.  I know it never goes away, but that it only gets less intense.  I know how long it takes for that feeling of loss to numb a little.  I know how long it takes for a scab to begin to form around the hole in my heart.  I have walked this Path before. 

This Sunday morning in the South is going to find me working toward getting back to balance in my Life.  Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, & Spiritually.  Yes, Sissy, I am going the smudge the house!!  I need that to clear my home as well as myself.   Today will be a day of many things - reflection, meditation, clearing of clutter in home, heart, mind, & spirit.

Today, I will begin working to find peace.  Peace on the Path I am now walking on my Journey.  I feel the winds of change blowing through my world.  Just as I felt them the day I said goodbye to Mama. 

~~blessed be...

Saturday, January 8, 2011


When I dream they are vivid, very real just like watching events happen to me.  It is like I am experiencing what is happening on the movie screen I am watching, but I am also an active participant.  My dreams have always been this way.  My visions are different so I always know the difference.  The thing is though that my dreams also carry messages, lead me on my Journey.

Last night I dreamed of Cowboy, Ex #2.  I was living in the house I am in now, but it was different in some aspects.  Such as my patio door had a screen door also which it does not now, but I have thought about putting one up.  Decided not to because my furkiddos scratch the door to come back in.  Screen would be ruined.  In my dream, Cowboy stuck his head through the screen & spoke to me.  Scared the hell outta me.  Then he came in my house.  As soon as he did this I dialed Sparky on my cell & told him my ex was here & I would call him later.  I was scared but more angry that Cowboy had once again violated me, my space.  He had on a uniform & told me he had rang my doorbell because he was selling security systems.  The doorbell had not rung, but there was paperwork on my door.  He did not know I lived there but he came through my back gate (broke it BTW) & came in my back door.  I berated him for all of this.  How dare he.  Get out of my home, never come back.  Fix my gate, you almost let my dogs out.  Then he was gone, just laughing at me.  Said he would be back.  Crap  I thought he had quit invading my dreams years ago.  

I think I know what this dream was about & why the maifestation was Cowboy.  He always intruded in my Journey, did not like my Journey, did not want me to have my Journey or a Life without him,  He did not want me to walk a Path that was separate from him, one that he did not understand.  My spirituality scared him.  Lately, my life has been invaded by quite simply everyone.  Several people/situations have demanded my attention since my Mama's death.  My step-dad is having some health concerns & there is only me to deal with them.  I will be taking 2 days off work next week to deal with eye problems (laser surgery) that are exacerbated by his diabetes (he is going blind in one eye), then he has to have an angioplasty because his cardiologist found some "concerns" at his appointment last week.  I have lots of questions for that doctor since I have no idea what he is "concerned" about.  My elderly landlord has been sick & in the hospital & now is moving to a new assisted living facility (he has distanced himself from his only child & grandchildren).   Sparky's Mom fell & has a compressed lumbar fracture.  It is getting worse, surgery would fix it but requires general anesthesia (not safe for a 91 yr old) so she has to use a bone building nasal spray (which she doesn't want to do) & wear a brace (which she hates).  Also she has trouble swallowing so we are worried she will choke to death.  She cannot have this corrected either because it also requires general anesthesia.   Now I have to find out if Ensure has dairy in it because she says she cannot have dairy.  Since when???  We are trying to get home health care approved for her.  And so it goes.

Then this is January.  January is a big, work-filled month when you are an accountant.  I have books to close, books to open, reports to file, forms to fill out.  I will be working some this weekend, late nights, early mornings.  And all my normal work to do: bills to pay, payroll, insurance questions.  And so it goes.

I think it all manifested as Cowboy.  I think the uniform signified the duty I feel to all these people.  The obligation to take care of them, to be their advocate.  I think his coming through the door was the manifestation of all this being dumped on me.  I love these people, I want to be a help to all of them, but I am still grieving.  I just have not had, nor do I see it in the forseeable future, any time alone to just be with my grief.  Maybe I am not meant to wallow in it.  I think the broken gate signified that no one asks, they all just assume.  That is, I know, because they all see me as strong, capable, & knowledgable - able to communicate with healthcare professionals in a civil manner.  I have so much compassion for the sick, elderly, & dying,  It is a part of my Journey.

Yesterday I had an eye appointment out of town.  Long overdue for new glasses.  Driving there I had the overwhelming sense of freedom.  All alone in the car, listening to music, watching the scenery.  Free!!  I had a very good afternoon alone, eyes examined, new glasses picked out & picked up, prescription sunglasses ordered to be mailed to me in a couple of weeks.  Insurance paid for it all.  Then I did some shopping.  Just strolled through Target & Sam's taking my time.  Then a sandwich at Panera Bread for supper.  Nice drive home chatting on the phone with one of my heart-sisters. 

So, I will get everything done efficiently without grumbling.  I will handle what the Universe sends to me.  I will walk my Path.  February will come & I will continue on with the year facing whatever must be faced.

~~blessed be...