Saturday, January 8, 2011


When I dream they are vivid, very real just like watching events happen to me.  It is like I am experiencing what is happening on the movie screen I am watching, but I am also an active participant.  My dreams have always been this way.  My visions are different so I always know the difference.  The thing is though that my dreams also carry messages, lead me on my Journey.

Last night I dreamed of Cowboy, Ex #2.  I was living in the house I am in now, but it was different in some aspects.  Such as my patio door had a screen door also which it does not now, but I have thought about putting one up.  Decided not to because my furkiddos scratch the door to come back in.  Screen would be ruined.  In my dream, Cowboy stuck his head through the screen & spoke to me.  Scared the hell outta me.  Then he came in my house.  As soon as he did this I dialed Sparky on my cell & told him my ex was here & I would call him later.  I was scared but more angry that Cowboy had once again violated me, my space.  He had on a uniform & told me he had rang my doorbell because he was selling security systems.  The doorbell had not rung, but there was paperwork on my door.  He did not know I lived there but he came through my back gate (broke it BTW) & came in my back door.  I berated him for all of this.  How dare he.  Get out of my home, never come back.  Fix my gate, you almost let my dogs out.  Then he was gone, just laughing at me.  Said he would be back.  Crap  I thought he had quit invading my dreams years ago.  

I think I know what this dream was about & why the maifestation was Cowboy.  He always intruded in my Journey, did not like my Journey, did not want me to have my Journey or a Life without him,  He did not want me to walk a Path that was separate from him, one that he did not understand.  My spirituality scared him.  Lately, my life has been invaded by quite simply everyone.  Several people/situations have demanded my attention since my Mama's death.  My step-dad is having some health concerns & there is only me to deal with them.  I will be taking 2 days off work next week to deal with eye problems (laser surgery) that are exacerbated by his diabetes (he is going blind in one eye), then he has to have an angioplasty because his cardiologist found some "concerns" at his appointment last week.  I have lots of questions for that doctor since I have no idea what he is "concerned" about.  My elderly landlord has been sick & in the hospital & now is moving to a new assisted living facility (he has distanced himself from his only child & grandchildren).   Sparky's Mom fell & has a compressed lumbar fracture.  It is getting worse, surgery would fix it but requires general anesthesia (not safe for a 91 yr old) so she has to use a bone building nasal spray (which she doesn't want to do) & wear a brace (which she hates).  Also she has trouble swallowing so we are worried she will choke to death.  She cannot have this corrected either because it also requires general anesthesia.   Now I have to find out if Ensure has dairy in it because she says she cannot have dairy.  Since when???  We are trying to get home health care approved for her.  And so it goes.

Then this is January.  January is a big, work-filled month when you are an accountant.  I have books to close, books to open, reports to file, forms to fill out.  I will be working some this weekend, late nights, early mornings.  And all my normal work to do: bills to pay, payroll, insurance questions.  And so it goes.

I think it all manifested as Cowboy.  I think the uniform signified the duty I feel to all these people.  The obligation to take care of them, to be their advocate.  I think his coming through the door was the manifestation of all this being dumped on me.  I love these people, I want to be a help to all of them, but I am still grieving.  I just have not had, nor do I see it in the forseeable future, any time alone to just be with my grief.  Maybe I am not meant to wallow in it.  I think the broken gate signified that no one asks, they all just assume.  That is, I know, because they all see me as strong, capable, & knowledgable - able to communicate with healthcare professionals in a civil manner.  I have so much compassion for the sick, elderly, & dying,  It is a part of my Journey.

Yesterday I had an eye appointment out of town.  Long overdue for new glasses.  Driving there I had the overwhelming sense of freedom.  All alone in the car, listening to music, watching the scenery.  Free!!  I had a very good afternoon alone, eyes examined, new glasses picked out & picked up, prescription sunglasses ordered to be mailed to me in a couple of weeks.  Insurance paid for it all.  Then I did some shopping.  Just strolled through Target & Sam's taking my time.  Then a sandwich at Panera Bread for supper.  Nice drive home chatting on the phone with one of my heart-sisters. 

So, I will get everything done efficiently without grumbling.  I will handle what the Universe sends to me.  I will walk my Path.  February will come & I will continue on with the year facing whatever must be faced.

~~blessed be...


Out of My Mind said...

This is the way things go for those of us who choose to NOT look away when others do.

This is the way things go for those of us who choose to do the right thing.

This is the way it goes for those of us who have been GIFTED with empathy.

I know it doesn't see fair but in the long run WE are the lucky ones. Can you imagine going through life, never being needed by a single sole.

I care for my soon to be 100 year old father. At first I looked on it as a burden but it did not take me long to realize what a gift I have been given.

Keep your head up. Keep your heart in the right place and watch for the rainbows!

Bringing Pretty Back said...

Stay strong. I hate feeling the heaviness at times like this.
Hugs to you.
Have a pretty day,

pammi said...


In today’s modern world, changing lifestyles are leading to increase in the number of diseases related to the heart. With that, many techniques of surgery for the heart have come up. Of all the available options for surgery, Angioplasty has proved to be one of the safest ways.

Angioplasty was first used in the late 70’s. It involves the widening of an obstructed blood artery, which has happened because of atherosclerosis, by mechanical means. A balloon catheter, which is an empty one and is collapsed, is taken and it is passed through the location where the surgery is to be done. Then the catheter is inflated by pressure which is around 200 times compared to that of the blood pressure.

The inflated balloon has sufficient pressure in it to crush most of the fatty deposits on the sides of the artery walls. Thus, the artery opens up properly and the flow becomes proper and the obstruction is now minimal. After this is done, the catheter is collapsed and made empty and is finally withdrawn.

Angioplasty is of several types based on the location of the arteries which have been blocked. Some of these are Renal, Cerebral, Coronary, etc.

Once Angioplasty is done, the patient is kept under observation for a day or two. The blood pressure is monitored continuously along with the heart beat rate. Proper medications are given if necessary.

Since the time from which it has been put to use, Angioplasty has helped lot of patients and has saved their life. The best outcome of it is the prevention of heart attacks and bypass surgeries.