Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday Morning in the South,,,

Here I am, another Sunday morning.  Getting ready for that first cup of coffee, watch some news, start the day.  Today, I have to make a start.  Start to do something.  Start to clean the house or at least put everything where it belongs.  Seems like since I got that phone call on Nov 27th I cannot get anything done.  Seems as if I have done nothing but run.  Run to hospitals, run to Mama's house, run to take care of this person or that person.  I love helping my Pops.  I take him to his out of town doctor appointments.  No big deal there I was doing that when Mama was alive.  I check in on my landlord (he is 93)  - no big deal there, I was doing that before Mama died.  But it seems as though everyone conspired to "need" me as soon as Mama died.  As my dear soul-sister, N, tells me I have had no time to grieve.  I had the awakening last night that she is so very right.  Now I am doing what I should have done a month ago.  Sitting & crying. 

Today is the day that if I cry it is ok.  Today is the day I will at least clean one room of my house.  Today is the day I should run the vacuum.  Today is the day I actively begin to live in the world where my Mama no longer lives. 

I have been taking time for myself, but this weekend is different.  I have faced the fact that it is not changes I need to make in my life, it is changes I need to make in my grieving process.  I actually need to stop.  Just plain stop doing anything that I do not really, really want to do.  I need to do for me.  Whatever makes me feel stronger, better, clearer, less sad.  And I need to stop doing those things that others think will get me through this part of my Journey.  Only I know that Path I need to walk to get back to perfect balance/harmony in my Journey.  It is ok to be sad, it is ok to sit & cry.  It is ok to just be. 

I have walked the Path of Grief before.  I know it never goes away, but that it only gets less intense.  I know how long it takes for that feeling of loss to numb a little.  I know how long it takes for a scab to begin to form around the hole in my heart.  I have walked this Path before. 

This Sunday morning in the South is going to find me working toward getting back to balance in my Life.  Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, & Spiritually.  Yes, Sissy, I am going the smudge the house!!  I need that to clear my home as well as myself.   Today will be a day of many things - reflection, meditation, clearing of clutter in home, heart, mind, & spirit.

Today, I will begin working to find peace.  Peace on the Path I am now walking on my Journey.  I feel the winds of change blowing through my world.  Just as I felt them the day I said goodbye to Mama. 

~~blessed be...


Joan said...

Good for you. The time you spent doing for others, keeping busy, might have been the time you needed to gain the strength to properly grieve. Now you are strong enough to cry.

EmptyNester said...

I'm like that too. I think it's because, if I put off grieving, it's not real. Glad you are doing your grieving---it really is best to let it happen. Even though it's the hardest thing...thinking of you.

Out of My Mind said...

Kiddo, my heart aches for you. You are right. Everyone has to find their own path through the ugliness of grief.
It WILL get better.
... ... ... ... that was me saying a prayer for healing this terrible pain. Keep writing and let it all out.

You wrote, "Today will be a day of many things - reflection, meditation, clearing of clutter in home, heart, mind, & spirit." Don't forget where the SPIRIT part can be found. kt

Kittie Howard said...

My heart cries for you! I lost my mother on mother's day. It really doesn't matter which day that day falls on, it's the day I feel really sad. I don't think this will change, and this is good. Remembering is good. I get on with my life, these years later, but on Mother's Day I am sad and the tears fall.

Keep busy. Do what you're doing.

Oops, forgot to say I'm dropping in from the Friday Blog Hop and am following you now. *sigh* we gotta go on!

Territory Mom said...

Hoping your have found your peace.

Out of My Mind said...

Hey, kiddo...
Stop by my post tomorrow and pick up the award that I am passing on to you.

You don't have to accept it (or follow any rules)...I just wanted you to know that I appreciate your blog. kt

Out of My Mind said...

Honey, are you ok?

I am concerned. Let me know how you are doing.