Here I am, another Sunday morning. Getting ready for that first cup of coffee, watch some news, start the day. Today, I have to make a start. Start to do something. Start to clean the house or at least put everything where it belongs. Seems like since I got that phone call on Nov 27th I cannot get anything done. Seems as if I have done nothing but run. Run to hospitals, run to Mama's house, run to take care of this person or that person. I love helping my Pops. I take him to his out of town doctor appointments. No big deal there I was doing that when Mama was alive. I check in on my landlord (he is 93) - no big deal there, I was doing that before Mama died. But it seems as though everyone conspired to "need" me as soon as Mama died. As my dear soul-sister, N, tells me I have had no time to grieve. I had the awakening last night that she is so very right. Now I am doing what I should have done a month ago. Sitting & crying.
Today is the day that if I cry it is ok. Today is the day I will at least clean one room of my house. Today is the day I should run the vacuum. Today is the day I actively begin to live in the world where my Mama no longer lives.
I have been taking time for myself, but this weekend is different. I have faced the fact that it is not changes I need to make in my life, it is changes I need to make in my grieving process. I actually need to stop. Just plain stop doing anything that I do not really, really want to do. I need to do for me. Whatever makes me feel stronger, better, clearer, less sad. And I need to stop doing those things that others think will get me through this part of my Journey. Only I know that Path I need to walk to get back to perfect balance/harmony in my Journey. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to sit & cry. It is ok to just be.
I have walked the Path of Grief before. I know it never goes away, but that it only gets less intense. I know how long it takes for that feeling of loss to numb a little. I know how long it takes for a scab to begin to form around the hole in my heart. I have walked this Path before.
This Sunday morning in the South is going to find me working toward getting back to balance in my Life. Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, & Spiritually. Yes, Sissy, I am going the smudge the house!! I need that to clear my home as well as myself. Today will be a day of many things - reflection, meditation, clearing of clutter in home, heart, mind, & spirit.
Today, I will begin working to find peace. Peace on the Path I am now walking on my Journey. I feel the winds of change blowing through my world. Just as I felt them the day I said goodbye to Mama.