Sunday, April 10, 2011
Today was a day to feed my Spirit. It began with a YouTube video on the White Buffalo. There were a couple of videos that moved me deeply. I have also included The Legend of White Buffalo Calf Woman http://www.buffalomessengers.org/
Then I listened to an interview with Dr. Wayne Dyer. This afternoon I watched the movie Eat Pray Love. All fed my Spirit in different ways. But all brought me such peace & hope.
This past week had been a difficult one for me emotionally. I think it is just that I had become so out of balance over the past 3-4 months & I was having a hard time finding my way back. Mostly because everytime I would start to become centered once more another "something" would come up that I had to deal with. Another "mess" that my Mom had left which fell to me to cleanup. It may never end, but I cannot live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, on Friday afternoon I had a massage. A very gentle relaxing massage for an hour. It was the most relaxing massage I have had in years. It was truly an exchange of energy between the masseuse & myself. The masseuse even commented that he had enjoyed massaging me. That it was not a "job" as with some people. I just totally gave myself over to the experience & was able to meditate through it.
I also went in search of a Reiki practioner &, unbelievably, I found one in my small OK town who is a 3rd level Reiki Master. Next Friday afternoon I am having Reiki done. Tonight I intend to get back to a regular practice of meditation.
There has been so much garbage thrown at me to handle in the last few months. Most of it was unexpected. And I have been angry about some of it. But I think mostly I have been feeling put upon. Some of it has robbed me of my peace simply by the nature of the individuals with whom I had to deal. I realize that no one can take something from me that I do not allow to be taken, but out of frustration, angry, & disappointment I allowed myself to fall into old patterns. And being angry at a dead person is very counter-productive.
So, I have realized that I still had lessons to learn about my relationship with my Mom. Mostly it came down to acceptance of the fact that even though my Mom loved me she was a lousy mother to me & quite frankly she did not value me as a person. Even from the grave she is a lousy mother because she left a mess behind of which I was unaware.
I think mostly that is because she did not want to understand me. Did not want to know why I am so very different from her. It bothered her tremendously that I was the polor opposite of her. She was appalled that I refused to keep the family secrets. She was offended by my honesty, my outspoken attitude, my beliefs, & my Journey. She wanted me to go quietly through life pretending. I cannot be that person. The years I tried to be that person almost killed me. I do, however, understand that who I am threatened her sense of wellbeing, her security, her peace of mind. I know that I made her face things about herself that were painful. I refused to let her live her lies when I was around. I would call her on it, tell her how it had all affected me, how hard I had worked to forgive & to become someone I respected. Quite frankly, I loved my Mama, but I did not respect her. She lived a lie, she perpetuated the lies never caring for the harm it did to her children. But mostly she ignored me. For most of my adult life she was not in my life because she did not like the fact I made choices independent of her opinions. Because of that she ignored my son, her first grandchild. She had no relationship with him or his family. She barely knew her great-grandchildren's names. For that I am angry.
Well, blogger somehow lost the last paragraph of this post. So here it is again.
I have once again forgiven my Mama, forgiven myself so that I could forgive her. After all, in order to continue my Journey I must express forgiveness - I must live my mantra "Harm None". I never meant to harm Mama by finding myself just as she never intended to harm me in walking her Path. Sometimes it just works out that way. Especially when we do not communicate honestly & authentically. Feelings get hurt, misconceptions abound. So, now I am again on my Journey, walking the Path toward more Enlightenment. I am in the Winter of my Life. I have lived far more years than I have left. I have come to realize that it is not important that I remember so little of my childhood. Whatever happened, happened & even though I cannot remember it has shaped the person I was & most importantly the person I have become. Because through whatever that pain was, it strengthened me. I have found peace in not remembering.
What I know is this: forward is the only direction I know & survival is the only mode I know. I am a survivor, I have survived so much. I am all that is left of my family of origin. I have no parents, no siblings, no grandparents. I am the only one who knows my history to age 18. After that, my history is shared by many others. I am blessed beyond measure to have my Tribe, the family of my heart. Those individuals who know me best & who love me just as I am today. They know me the most completely. They see my true, authentic self - my Spirit - & they choose to be a part of my Journey. I am blessed & I look forward to the next Adventure - where the Journey will lead me, who I will meet, & what messages I will be given, what lessons I will learn. Today I face Life with a smile. Not only on my lips but deep within my Spirit. I am happy.