Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Cinderella, Snow White, & all that jazz

Seems like all the stories I read as a kid started with "once upon a time" & ended with "and they lived happily ever after."  I chased that stupid fairy tale for way too many years. 

I was raised in a time when a girl was expected to marry & have children.  Oh, you could be a teacher or work in an office but that was just to supplement, help out, not as a career.  I once overheard my Mom tell one of her friends that they sent me to college to find a husband.  I found one alright. 

It took me 20 yrs & two failed marriages to learn that I could rewrite the fairy tale.  That happily ever after could happen without a man in my life.  I could build my own life.  I could be happy on my own.  I could be my own person.  I could set the parameters that defined "me". 

I think the biggest disservice that was, and in some instances still is, done to girls is not empowering them to be independent, self-sufficient, giving them a right to their own voices.  My granddaughters, thank goodness, are being raised to be strong girls.  I sometimes wonder how much more I could have been had my parents thought I was worth more.  I wanted to go to law school, but I got married.  I loved being on stage but I gave up theater because I was a "wife".  I allowed another person to define me.  Actually I allowed many people to define me.  My first brave act was to get a divorce & become a single parent.  My folks were livid.  But, for the first time in my life, I stood my ground.  Still, I felt like I was a failure unless I was "married".  So, I made mistake #2.  That one was out of the frying pan & into the fire.  By then I was so spinning out of control.  I was so damaged that I self-medicated to stop the pain.

Then, one day many years later, I woke up.   Actually, I had been slowly awakening for years.  A couple of strong women helped me along the way.  One day I realized how sick & tired I was of being sick & tired.  I knew that unless I left my marriage & got myself straight I was going to die.  Either he would kill me or I would kill myself - overdose, car wreck, suicide.  I was slowly dying in body, mind, spirit.  But one day I kenw I wanted to live.  I wanted a life.  So, I walked out.  Oh, even though I left physically it was harder to leave emotionally but step by step I was able to do that also.

Has the road been easy?  No, it has not.  Has the Journey been worthwhile?  Absolutely!!  Every day I learned more about myself - the good, the bad, the mediocre.  I chose who I wanted be.  I found my spirituality.  I turned my back on organized religion because it does not work for me - too much hypocracy.  But I have a very deep, personal relationship with Great Spirit.   I read The Bible, The Koran, The Book of Morman, the Dalai Lama, the writings of Buddha, Gandhi, Black Elk, Chief Seattle, Wayne Dyer, TD Jakes, Max Lucado, books on Native Spirituality.  I read alot.   Through all that reading I found my beliefs, my ethics, my moral compass.

So, happily ever after does exist.  It lives in my house.  It lives in my soul.  I am happily ever after because I choose happiness, contentment, peace, joy, & love each day.   So, ask "How are you?" to me & you will get my answer "Fabulous, as always!"

~~blessed be...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

August 26, 1966

This morning one of the maintenance men at work stopped by my office (everyone was gone but me) & said there was a delivery in the lobby.  So I went out to pick it up.  Florist with flowers & when I looked at the card my name was on it.  What a wonderful surprise!! 

44 yrs ago today I met the love of my life...the longest relationship I have had.  It has endured three marriages (two of mine & one of his).  We have never made it down the aisle, but we were engaged for several years not so long ago.  He is my Big Guy, lives in Seattle.  I write about him & our odessesy quite often.  He is the one constant in my life for all these years.  The one person who knew me then, that smalltown girl from OK & he is the one who knows me now.  Still a smalltown girl from OK but one who has seen so much - had such adventures, tragedies, joys, heartbreak, happiness.  He knows the woman I have grown to be, my beliefs, my morals, my ethics.  He knows me better than anyone ever has.  He accepts me, & all that makes me who I am, unconditionally.  He respects me.  He likes me.  And he loves me. 

He was beside me when my brother got his final diagnosis.  He was with us in Key West (I think we will go back there together one day. Remember old memories, make new one).  He was the one I called late at night when it all got to be so overwhelming.  He was my rock.  He was with me when my brother died.  He was beside me at the wake, the funeral, the cemetery.  He got me through those first days of grief.   He was the one who took care of me when I physically collapsed.  He has always been in my heart from the time I was 14 yrs old.  He was my first kiss.  My first love.  My true love.

He has sent me red & yellow roses for years on our anniversary but I am always surprised when they arrive.  Red ones for each decade (they signify love), yellow ones for each year in the decade (yellow roses are my favorite & also signify friendship).  So this year it was 4 red & 4 yellow.   And I was, once again, touched & surprised.  It made my day, & I felt loved, special, cherished.  That is after all our song....Cherish by The Association.  I hear that song & remember his Mom bringing me the 45rpm from him so many years ago when he was attending Staunton Military Academy in VA & his folks came to OK to visit his Mom's family.   We ususally call each other when we hear it on the radio. 

So, today is my 44th Anniversary!  The only one I celebrate.  One day, every year, I am once again 14.  First kiss, first love.   I do love you Big Guy!!  Forever...

~~blessed be...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I know you're out there somewhere...

That Moody Blues song has been running through my head for weeks.  Sometimes the whole song, sometimes just that phrase.  I've been wondering exactly what it means.  Could just be the fact that I really like that song, could be something else.  I really think that it has alot to do with the fact that my life is going really good.  I love my new job so that part of my life is stablized.  I am in such a good place right now.  Peaceful, contented, happy - a really good place emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.  These aspects have never all come together at the same time before.  I am liking the feeling.  I am happy where I live, my house is perfect for me & the furry kids.  I am comfortable being me.   Life is just plain good.  I really don't ever want to marry again & I  love living without another human in the house.  I like being on my own making my own decisions.  The relationship I am in is completely plutonic & that is the way I want it.  I love the guy, but as a very good friend.  I am not "in love" with him nor is he in love with me.  We're buddies, we hang out, we share our lives.  We are a team, we watch out for each other, we have each other's back.

I have been deeply, completely in love & I have been loved that way in return. I am loved that way now by a wonderful man I have known for 44 yrs-unconditionally, accepted just as I am.  It's a good feeling, but it is not a marriage thing it is a lifetime friendship kinda thing.  But, I keep having this feeling -- You're out there somewhere.  If you are, you're gonna have to find me 'cause I'm not out there looking for you.  My life is complete & to go through what is involved in adding a new person to the mix is just not worth it to me unless it is going to be a spectacular, soulmate, forever kinda thing.  And you are going to have to pursue me, love the furbabies, accept my beliefs, & give me my space.  You are gonna have to fall in love with me & convince me fall in love with you.  You need to have a good job, money in the bank, & the ability to take care of me financially (in my last marriage I was that person so now it is someone else's turn). It's alot to ask of another person.  But, you just might be out there...somewhere.  And I just might find out that there is room in my life for you.

~~blessed be...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Over the Rainbow

This evening, on Hwy 75 between Denison & Sherman, TX there was the most beautiful rainbow that seemed to last forever.  The colors were vibrant & so alive.  The greatest feeling of peace & joy washed over me.

Driving back to OK on Hwy 84, the top down on the 'Vette with the wind blowing across my face I felt so alive, so free.  It has been 15 yrs since I was on the back of a Harley, but tonight I had that same feeling again.  The darkest night, a cool breeze blowing through my hair, across my face.  The feeling of flying through the darkness toward home.  I think that must be the feeling when you die.  Pure joy, freedom, & excitement with the wind whipping you along toward Home.  I know why my brother was smiling when he crossed over. 


Tonight the air smelled so clean, just a hint of rain still in the air.   The air was fresh & I just couldn't suck it into my lungs fast enough.  I just settled down in the seat, closed my eyes, breathed deeply & lost myself in the music, the night, the darkness.  I could have driven back roads all night just letting my senses experience the darkness, the smells, the feel of the wind, the coolness on my skin.  There in the darkness it was like being alone to truly experience the Universe as it readied the night.  The stars popped out, I could imagine that the nightbirds were beginning to call in faraway fields, the night creatures beginning to emerge for their adventures.  Somewhere I am sure a coyote howled, but I could not hear it.  Then as the night begins to turn to day the night creatures will scurry home to sleep & the day will awaken with the calls of birds.  I love to hear the cooing of the doves as day breaks.  The sun will rise, the day will be come hot, & all will seek shelter in the shade of trees. 

It is truly the simple things that bring the most pleasure.   Tonight was one of the best nights of my life because I remembered to experience all that was around me in the moment.  To live completely in the Now.  To see the beauty of a hot day turning to a lovely night.  To know that all was right with the Universe.  To know that generations of people had experienced that same beauty.  The Circle of Life goes round & round.  It stops for no one but we can stop & experience the Moment.  "Life is not about the breaths we take, but about the Moments that take our breath away". 

~~blessed be...

Monday, August 2, 2010

A nice surprise

Thanks to Yeve Eeffoc for visiting, & for the award. It's always nice to get a new reader, & a wonderful surprise to get an award.  You can visit her at

                   Here are the rules that go along with receiving the award:

a) Thank the person who gave you this award

                         b) Tell 7 things about yourself

                         c) nominate 15 newly discovered blogs to share this award!


b)...here goes:

  1. I recently started a new job as you know if you have been reading lately.  The previous job was just a real drag with way too much drama.  The new one is FABULOUS!!  Wonderful, hard-working people who come to work to...are you ready...WORK!!  What a concept.
  2. I have one son, one daughter-in-law, 3 grandchildren.  They are the gifts that I did not deserve, but am so blessed to have received. 
  3. I have rediscovered friends from highschool through Facebook.  Actually, not really hang out kinda friends in highschool just had classes together knew who they were kinda friends (as is sometimes the case in small towns where you do "know" everybody).  I have a very strong connection with one & she has become a very important member of my Tribe.
  4. I have the gift of second sight.  I see what others do not or cannot.  I have premonitions.  I interpret dreams & am learning to read Medicine Cards (similar to Tarot but deal with Native American spirit animals)
  5. I live in the "Now".  I experience each day fully, relish in the Adventure each new day brings.  Then I put it to bed & begin again the next day.
  6. I practice Gratitude each & every day.  Even if all I do is say "Thank you" before falling asleep, because no matter the road you are traveling each day is a gift to be treasured.
  7. From each experience, good or bad or in between, there is a lesson to be learned that helps you on your Journey toward your true destiny.  Only when I have failed to recognize the Lesson have I been doomed to repeat it.  Once I have gained the knowledge, I move forward & do not tread that road again.  Sometimes this has been very hard to remember.  At times the lessons were not clear because I was to mired in Ego & refused to surrender to that which is greater than me.  Great Spirit has been patient as I have walked my road.
c)  I nominate all the blogs that are on my sidebar.  They are each exceptional in their own right: insightful, informative, funny, thoughtful, & inspiring.  Check them out for yourself. Be sure to grab the award for yourself when you stop by for a visit & share in the fun.

~~blessed be...