Saturday, March 26, 2011

WOW!!

Hard to believe I haven't posted since January 23rd.  Time gets away so fast, & not just when you are having fun.  Because overall I have NOT been having fun.  My birthday was ok.  Turning 59 ain't so bad when you think of those who have not.  But, as I told my brother (who died when he was 47) when he told me he really had wanted to live to be 50 - It ain't all it's cracked up to be.  Still holds true.  Oh, it's not bad.  I am healthy, I have a wonderful job, my grandkids are healthy, smart, & beautiful.  My son & daughter-in-law are too.  My Tribe is always there for me & has been so loving but then they always are.  I have such wonderful friends.  But even though my Mom & I had a very rocky (to say the least) relationship I have found myself struggling to come to terms with her death at times.  I really missed talking to her on my birthday - we always had the same conversation each year but it was realiable. 

My step-dad had to have two stints put in so I had to make two trips to OKC - one to get it done & the other to pick him up next day because they kept him overnight.  I check in with him at least once a week just to be sure he is ok. It just seemed like all I had been doing was going, going, going.  January was a very busy month at work (I'm an accountant & the benefits/payroll adminstrator) with end of year, W-2's, 1099's, beginning of year, normal monthly bills, etc plus I was still cleaning up the mess that my predecessor left (it is now ALL cleaned up).  So, to say the least January was a very busy month on all fronts - personal & professional.  It also took way too long for the insurance company to pay off on Mom's life insurance policies so that I could pay the funeral home.  That is finally all done also.  Then my step-dad wanted all my nephew's stuff out of the storage shed.  So, I had to coordinate that so that nephew's stuff did not get thrown out for lack of him picking it up.  He did, step-dad is happy, I'm done with that task & don't have to hear step-dad complain anymore.  Then I had to get Sparky's 2011 files set up in his new office.  That is done.

All the above being said, last Tuesday I had a mini-breakdown.  Walked in the bathroom to shower & get ready for work & I just started to sob uncontrollably.  Could not stop, so I cried in the shower.  Finally got myself controlled enough to go to work.  But I felt like crap all day.  That is when I decided that the Universe is talking & I am not listening.  I then decided that this weekend would be a "me" weekend.  No going out with Sparky, no doing anything for anyone but myself.  Not selfish, just self-preservation.  Yesterday, I had a spa day with sauna, Co2 bar, compression therapy.  Today was a pedicure after I slept late (9am is late for me).  Then I went to lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant in town, read a book, texted with my dear Sister of my Heart "N",  & then I shopped.  Took a Starbucks Frappuccino to the pedicure, had a Dos Equis Amber with lunch, then a frozen latte from a local coffee shop after hitting a boutique downtown (bought a few pieces of jewelry at 60% off).  Went to Petco & got some stuff for the "boys", came home, changed clothes, put new solar lights on the front walk, put two more flamingos in the front flowerbed, then played fetch with the furbabies.  I am having a good day.  And, I feel relaxed.  Who wouldn't??!?!?!?!

I am re-evaluating my relationships.  I am re-evaluating what I want from the rest of my life, who I want to spend my days with, & how I want to spend my time.  I have done this once before.  The situation was much different but still I was growing in a way that entailed a cutting of cords.  That was when I left Dud #2, started a new career, & moved away from a home I loved but where I could not stay if I were to survive & thrive.  Now, while I am so much more Enlightened than I was 17 yrs ago, it is again time to get out of the rut in which I find myself stuck.  No need to change careers, I already did that last year & I love my job plus I have wonderful co-workers.  No need to move away, I am happy where I live - I have a lovely, comfortable home that suits me.  But it is time to get back to honoring myself, my likes/dislikes, & doing that which feeds my Spirit.  It is time to write again.  It is time to get back in touch with old friends.  It is time to put myself first.  The relationship I am in (if it can be called that) is a dead-end.  We are strictly friends, buddies who go places together & hang out together.  We are no more that that.  We are not "involved".  I want love in my life again.  I want to feel that rush when I hear a special voice.  I do have someone I love & he loves me but we cannot seem to get our act together to be together.  Not since we were 14 yrs old.  But I will always love him & he will always love me.   See below:

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Response to: "What is the craziest thing you have done to get a date?"
for complimentary tickets to Just Go With It

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On August 26th, 1966, I was 14 years old, visiting my cousins in Oklahoma, and was in the process of moving from Monterrey, Mexico to Bogota, Colombia. I'd been in Sulphur, Oklahoma for a week and it was driving me nuts... NO GIRLS!

Just then I look out the window and WOW!, two girls, about my age, sitting on the doorstep next door! I ripped off my shirt, (I was 5'10", weighed 175# and quite fit) grabbed the lawn mower and went out to "strut my stuff" and mow the lawn. Long story made short... Donis and I met at 2pm, had a date at 6pm, kissed by 8pm, were "going steady" by 10pm. I left town the next day at noon!

Flash in the pan??? Puppy love? Nope! Last Wednesday we celebrated Donis' 59th birthday. While we never managed to get married, we've always kept in touch, one way or the other. She's my "forever girl" and I'll always be her "...one that got away..." But she knows that I'll always be there for her.

Today I don't rip my shirt off much, but I'm sure glad it worked out that once!

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I will forever cherish (Cherish by the Association is our song - has been since we first met) my Big Guy!!  He has been the constant in my life through good times & bad.  We can talk for hours about everything & nothing.  We argue, we disagree, we laugh, we have cried together.  He was with me when my brother died.  He is always in my heart - he is a part of my Spirit, because on some level I would not be me without him.  I would not have had the courage to become me without his love.  He knows me completely - good, bad, & otherwise.  He will call BS on me but he will also offer a shoulder with no words of criticism when I need it.  We would probably destroy each other if we lived in the same house, but on many levels it is so sad we never had our chance.

Thanks, KT over at http://outofmymindbykt.blogspot.com/ for checking in on me, for caring, for asking if I am ok, for worrying.  It is appreciated more than you can ever know.  Your message came at just the right moment for me.  And thanks for the award!!




So, for now I am walking my Path.  I am on my Journey once more.  I am not yet sure where the Road will lead me, but I know the Universe has a Plan, & I have a Purpose - a Mission.  I have been  shaken, but I have not been broken.  I am a survivor, I have already survived so much.  Now I am just going to live my life for me with my eyes ever on the Path.  No more doing anything out of obligation.  I will only do things out of willingness & Love.  Because really...what else is there but Love.

~~blessed be...


1 comment:

Out of My Mind said...

I read every word and I DO HEAR YOU,

You are doing the right thing. Pamper yourself during this time of morning.

After reading this I feel better about you. It will take a long while to heal, but you already know this. Use your blog to release your frustrations and renew your spirit,

Just that last paragraph alone tells me you are going to be OK. Now, print it out and put it on your bathroom mirror and read it to yourself every day.
I MEAN IT. Stuff like that works!...kt