I remember Mama...

I am not one of those people who immediately, upon the death of a loved one, make them into a saint.  I remember my departed loved ones quite honestly.  I have been doing the same throughout the weekend with my memories of my Mama.  We had such a turbulent, conflicted, not always pleasant relationship. But there were other times that we had such a great time together, really enjoyed each other's company.  Lots of times we had fun, laughed, acted silly, & just hung out.

In the words of Maya Angelou "We do the best we can & when we know better we do better".  That pretty much sums it up.  Mama did the best she knew how when I was growing up & when she knew better she did better with me.  But it took us years to come to being comfortable as mother & daughter.  She was always amazed when she would find out that I didn't know something.  Like the fact she thought I was pretty.  She never told me that until a few years ago.  She "thought" I knew.  She also thought I knew,without her telling me, that I was smart, she was proud of me, & that she loved me.  Well, guess what, I did not know those things.  That is why it is so special to me that I was the last person she spoke to & that those words were "bye bye" "I love you".  I think she came back just so I could hear those words, & could know without a doubt that my Mama loved me. 

We went almost 20 yrs without really speaking & never seeing each other.  I would always call during the Holidays & her birthday.  She never called me.  Never knew until it was all over how abusive my 2nd marriage was & how I had self-medicated.  She always refused to believe I was an alcoholic/addict.  She never saw me that way & for my Mama who always wanted everything to be perfect she had to believe it was not that way.  She had a vision of me that was impossible for me to live up to, but in these last 10 or so years she had come to appreciate the woman I have evolved into.  The belief system I have, the values I cherish, the strength & get it done attitude I have adopted.  I heard her tell one of her friends one day "We'll ask Donis, she always knows what to do & she will know how to solve this"  High compliment indeed.

I have been known in my family as "Wild Child" for a very long time because I was the adventurous one -the one with the gypsy soul.  The one who could just pack up the car & move across the Country on a whim because it sounded like fun or because whereever I was just wasn't working for me.   I think that independence both awed & scared my Mama.  I think she would have liked to have had the adventures I had, but I think that my having those adventures scared the hell out of her, for me. 

But in the end, I came back to Oklahoma.  Came home to take care of  Mama, but then took care of my brother instead.  Now I have honored Mama's final requests, carried out her final wishes.  Took care of business just as she knew I would when she gave me the instructions over & over.  Knew I would make sure the doctors did not prolong her life artificially.  Knew I would voice her wishes & carry them out.  Knew I had the strength to do it all.  Knew I could do her funeral service.  And I did it all.  Because Mama knew I would.

Several months ago I said to a friend "I'm here because I will have to take care of Mama at some point.  When she is gone there will be nothing to keep me here & I will move on with my life somewhere else.  Maybe I will return to Seattle or move to Florida.  Who knows."  Well, I love my job.  I love my house.  I have a life here that works for me.  So, I am after all, an Oklahoma Girl.  And it appears that here is where I will stay.  I still have a gypsy soul but my adventures will keep me closer to my roots for now.

I will continue to remember Mama.  Tonight I almost called her then remembered that I couldn't.  I don't imagine that will be the last time this happens. 

~~blessed be...