Sunday, December 5, 2010

Hit the ground running

That's what my dear friend Sparky said to me yesterday when he asked how my day was going & I told him I just seemed to do nothing but sitting in the recliner & resting.  So he told me to take care so that on Monday morning I could return to work and hit the ground running.  Yep I said.  I'll do that & when people ask how are you I will lie and say fine.

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7:15am  Wednesday, 12/01/2010 my Mama went Home to be with my brother, all who have crossed over before her, & her Savior.  She is happy, whole, no more worries.  Her service was Thursday, 12/02/2010 in my hometown.  She had requested a graveside service, closed casket, no wake or viewing.  Mama wanted her earthly body to be buried immediately so according to her wishes this was done.  We were able to go to the funeral home & view her body one last time before the casket was sealed. 

This is something my Mama wrote about grace that I found going through her papers the day she died.  I read it at her funeral.

Grace

Ephesians 2:8 & 9

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God not of works, lest any man should boast.

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The grace of God says because you are saved, not in order to be saved.  You are not trying to keep a legalistic system.  You are responding to a system of love and peace.

What is grace?  It's what someone gives us out of the goodness of his heart, not out of the perfection of ours.  The story of grace is the good news that says that when we come, He gives.  That's what grace is.

Grace is a pleasant surprise.  Grace is a kind gesture.  Grace is something you did not expect.  It is something you certainly could never earn,  But grace is something you'd never turn down.

You know what happens when someone sees the grace of God?  When someone really tastes the forgivng and liberating grace of God?  Someone who tastes God's grace is the hardest worker, the most morally pure individual, and the person most willing to forgive.

Roberta LaDell (Groomer) Dowling Bolich
08/27/1932 - 12/01/2010

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The following poem was paperclipped to the inside cover of her Bible.  I also read it at the end of her service.

"Miss Me, But Let Me Go"

When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me and let me go!
For this is the journey that we all
Must take, And each must go alone!
It's all a part of the "Master's" plan,
A step on the road to home,
When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to the friends we know,
And bury your sorrows in good deeds.
Miss me, but let me go.

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  So here, where I always speak the truth, I am NOT fine.  I am numb, I am sad, I cannot believe my Mama is no longer a phone call away.  I have not really cried, I have been too busy being strong & taking care of all that I have had to do since last Saturday.  Too many arrangements to make, doctors, hospice, going through her things (thanks so much to my dearest Aunt for helping me go through Mama's things & picking her final clothing).  Tears are coming and I know I just need to sob out my heart to Great Spirit, to the Universe.  But I am  so afraid that if I start I may never stop.  I got to hear my Mama say "I love you" one last time, she told me bye bye before she closed her eyes for what would be her final earthly sleep.  I know by brother came for her because she told me he was there.  I know she is so happy to be reunited with him, her parents, and all the rest.  But I want my Mama,  Damnit I want my Mama.  I want her to say "Donis" in that way that only she could.  Usually because she was appalled by something I had said or because she didn't want to laugh a some comment I had made or a joke I had told her.  But I remember her laugh when I would do my comedy routine for her.  She made me promise to never do it publically until she was dead because she was afraid someone would recognize her.  Now I don't want to do it without her.  But I know, after all these years & all our ups & downs, that beyond a shadow of a doubt my Mama loved me.  I am so friggin tried of being strong.  It is time to just lay down & weep.  I have let you go Mama just as you asked but I miss you so much.  It will be a long time before I am able to be "me" again.  But I will never be the me I was last week, for I have been forever changed.  I am all that is left of the family with whom I grew up.  I am alone with my memories.  No one remembers what I remember any more.  There is no one left with whom I share history from my childhood.  My shared history is now only 34 yrs old - the history I share with my beloved son. 

Gotta go now.  I will write more about Mama as the days, weeks go by.  There is so much to share.  So much I don't want to lose.  I love you Mama!! 

~~blesssed be...



3 comments:

Oklahoma Granny said...

Thank you for sharing some of your mother's wisdom. By what I read she was a wonderful, loving mother. You were very blessed to have her as a mom. I pray you feel the peace only God can bring.

Territory Mom said...

So beautiful. You will hear your mother's voice calling your name again.

bettyl said...

Sorry that she's no longer with you, but you always know you will see her again.

Thanks for sharing her thoughts with us.