Got a real surprise Friday afternoon just before 5pm. The boss & his wife took me out for coffee at a local coffee shop near the office. We had a very nice chat, enjoyed a very nice coffee frappe, & it started the weekend off pleasantly.
Spent several hours in Ada on Saturday. Sparky was behind in his filing. That is really a misstatement since he never files. So, I should say I was very behind in my filing. Got it all taken care of in about 90 minutes. He had sold his older bucket truck (one we bought 10 yrs ago) & the buyer came to pick it up. Kinda bitter sweet because I remembered when we went to Springfield, MO to get it, driving it back to OK, then all the times I drove it on jobs with him, & the times I actually worked up in the bucket. So much has happened in that 10 yrs. We went to lunch with a couple who have been his friends for over 20 yrs to celebrate her birthday. Went to the new Chinese restaurant. Very good food. They actually had sushi & a mongolian grill not to mention way too many selections on the buffet. Then I came home early afternoon, did laundry, & hung out with the pupsters. It rained all day, into the night, & is still raining. I have spent today cleaning the kitchen, watching movies, then I made buffalo chili. Turned out really good. Lots of spices.
The quote above really spoke to me today. In fact, it would have spoken to me on any day lately. I never, ever expected to still be in OK in 2010. My plans 5 1/2 yrs ago were to move to Seattle. I like Seattle, I liked the life I had there with my Big Guy (he is still there, has a very nice life, & is getting his business going). I miss the social life I had there.
The photo is the sunset off Mallory Square in Key West. That is where my heart is & has been since I went there on a trip my brother requested (he called it his Make a Wish trip). I love the ocean, the beach, the sun, the laid back lifestyle. I like the ecclectic vibe. I like the nightlife. But mostly I like the acceptance of everyone's exintricities. It is a place where you can just "be". I long to just be.
I know it is time to get back to my writing. Back to the novel that has been shelved for way too long. I have had a hard time getting back to my life since my brother died. I got so wrapped up in his care, in his cancer, that I lost myself. I lost my drive to live my dream. I lost my creativity. I do not in any way regret devoting my life to my brother during his illness. It was an honor & a priviledge to serve him, to take care of him, to do all that needed to be done. But here I am, almost six years later, still trying to get back to myself. For some reason, I have found that very hard to do in OK. I love OK, don't get me wrong. She is the land of my birth, red dirt flows in my veins, I am an Okie. But I am more. That more is difficult to grasp in the circle in which I now exist. Sparky has never lived more than 30 miles from where he was born, & that is ok. He is content, it is the life he wants. For me, I have been to the city & I have seen the elephant. My horizons have expanded so far beyond the horizon I can see from my window. I miss seeing the elephant. I miss stimulating conversations. I miss the arts, discussing best sellers, exploring out of the way neighborhoods. I miss trying new, exotic, ethnic restaurants. I miss festivals, & walks in parks.
I live 1.5 hrs from two large cities, 4 hrs from another one. When we go to these cities for a day, I always remember that Sparky does not "get" what I like to do. He is not a walker (that has to do with a foot problem). He is not a lover of art, movies (I am a fanatic for movies, but have not been "to the movies" since I quit going to Seattle), or music other than metal or oldies Rock. He has never read a book so while I can browse in a bookstore for hours, he cannot. I did get him to try Latin food the other day, but he does not have adventurous taste buds either. He is steady, a good man, & I am told often (by others) how lucky I am to have him in my life. I am blessed, I know that. But I am dying in my spirit.
I do go out of town by myself every other month or so. I get my hair trimmed, I eat Indian food at a restaurant I really like, I explore out of the way shops I have heard about. But, I need to sit down in a coffee shop with like-minded friends & have real talks.
I am at a crossroads in my life. I know what my heart tells me, but I also know that I am "stuck" here in many ways. Mostly because the job market is terrible. I am not 20 any more. When I was, I just picked up & went. Now I think about reinventing myself rather than just doing it. I have obligations that I could not handle if I lived in Key West or Seattle, or Montana. It appears that I will be in OK for many more years. How do I get my life back, stay here, & not lose myself in the process? How do I find what I gave up when I moved back here?
Whiney aren't I? I think the weather gets me thinking like this. I need sunshine, hot weather, I need to go for a long run. Make that a walk, I might be a little out of shape to start with a run. LOL
I need to take time each day to write. I need to get together with my "big city" friends. I need a day to "do lunch", go out for coffee, listen to music, sit at a sidewalk cafe', browse a bookstore, have a stimulating conversation with friends who have diverse views. I need mental stimulation. I need to go sit on a rock & contemplate. I need to not just recharge my Spirit, but I need to replenish my well that has run dry.
I need to find myself again.