Musings on a rainy Sunday afternoon

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -Lao Tzu

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Got a real surprise Friday afternoon just before 5pm.  The boss & his wife took me out for coffee at a local coffee shop near the office.  We had a very nice chat, enjoyed a very nice coffee frappe, & it started the weekend off pleasantly. 

Spent several hours in Ada on Saturday. Sparky was behind in his filing.  That is really a misstatement since he never files.  So, I should say I was very behind in my filing.  Got it all taken care of in about 90 minutes.  He had sold his older bucket truck (one we bought 10 yrs ago) & the buyer came to pick it up.  Kinda bitter sweet because I remembered when we went to Springfield, MO to get it, driving it back to OK, then all the times I drove it on jobs with him, & the times I actually worked up in the bucket.   So much has happened in that 10 yrs.  We went to lunch with a couple who have been his friends for over 20 yrs to celebrate her birthday.  Went to the new Chinese restaurant.  Very good food.  They actually had sushi & a mongolian grill not to mention way too many selections on the buffet.  Then I came home early afternoon, did laundry, & hung out with the pupsters.  It rained all day, into the night, & is still raining.  I have spent today cleaning the kitchen, watching movies, then I made buffalo chili.  Turned out really good.  Lots of spices.

The quote above really spoke to me today.  In fact, it would have spoken to me on any day lately.  I never, ever expected to still be in OK in 2010.  My plans 5 1/2 yrs ago were to move to Seattle.  I like Seattle, I liked the life I had there with my Big Guy (he is still there, has a very nice life, & is getting his business going).  I miss the social life I had there. 

The photo is the sunset off Mallory Square in Key West.  That is where my heart is & has been since I went there on a trip my brother requested (he called it his Make a Wish trip).  I love the ocean, the beach, the sun, the laid back lifestyle.  I like the ecclectic vibe.  I like the nightlife.  But mostly I like the acceptance of everyone's exintricities.   It is a place where you can just "be".  I long to just be. 

I know it is time to get back to my writing.  Back to the novel that has been shelved for way too long.  I have had a hard time getting back to my life since my brother died.  I got so wrapped up in his care, in his cancer, that I lost myself.  I lost my drive to live my dream.  I lost my creativity.  I do not in any way regret devoting my life to my brother during his illness.  It was an honor & a priviledge to serve him, to take care of him, to do all that needed to be done.  But here I am, almost six years later, still trying to get back to myself.  For some reason, I have found that very hard to do in OK.  I love OK, don't get me wrong.  She is the land of my birth, red dirt flows in my veins, I am an Okie.  But I am more.  That more is difficult to grasp in the circle in which I now exist.  Sparky has never lived more than 30 miles from where he was born, & that is ok.  He is content, it is the life he wants.  For me, I have been to the city & I have seen the elephant.  My horizons have expanded so far beyond the horizon I can see from my window.  I miss seeing the elephant.  I miss stimulating conversations.  I miss the arts, discussing best sellers, exploring out of the way neighborhoods.  I miss trying new, exotic, ethnic restaurants.  I miss festivals, & walks in parks. 

I live 1.5 hrs from two large cities, 4 hrs from another one.  When we go to these cities for a day, I always remember that Sparky does not "get" what I like to do.  He is not a walker (that has to do with a foot problem).  He is not a lover of art, movies (I am a fanatic for movies, but have not been "to the movies" since I quit going to Seattle), or music other than metal or oldies Rock.  He has never read a book so while I can browse in a bookstore for hours, he cannot.  I did get him to try Latin food the other day, but he does not have adventurous taste buds either.  He is steady, a good man, & I am told often (by others) how lucky I am to have him in my life.  I am blessed, I know that.  But I am dying in my spirit. 

I do go out of town by myself every other month or so.  I get my hair trimmed, I eat Indian food at a restaurant I really like, I explore out of the way shops I have heard about.  But, I need to sit down in a coffee shop with like-minded friends & have real talks. 

I am at a crossroads in my life.  I know what my heart tells me, but I also know that I am "stuck" here in many ways.  Mostly because the job market is terrible.  I am not 20 any more.  When I was, I just picked up & went.  Now I think about reinventing myself rather than just doing it.   I have obligations that I could not handle if I lived in Key West or Seattle, or Montana.  It appears that I will be in OK for many more years.  How do I get my life back, stay here, & not lose myself in the process?  How do I find what I gave up when I moved back here?   

Whiney aren't I?  I think the weather gets me thinking like this.  I need sunshine, hot weather, I need to go for a long run.  Make that a walk, I might be a little out of shape to start with a run. LOL

I need to take time each day to write.  I need to get together with my "big city" friends.  I need a day to "do lunch", go out for coffee, listen to music, sit at a sidewalk cafe', browse a bookstore, have a stimulating conversation with friends who have diverse views.  I need mental stimulation.  I need to go sit on a rock & contemplate.  I need to not just recharge my Spirit, but I need to replenish my well that has run dry. 

I need to find myself again.

~~blessed be...