The Perfect Family...

"So the Perfect Family wasn't so perfect after all".  That's what Sparky said when I told him the story of my childhood.  The REAL story.  Authentic, truthful, full of pain, drama, intrigue, and lies.  Telling that story is a part of my healing, a part of living a healthy life.

Last night my Mom called to chat and to let me know that my step-dad is having some routine procedures done next week.  He likes for me to be informed & had told her to call me.  Pops loves me!! And I feel blessed to finally have a "Dad" who actually likes me & wants to spend time with me.  As it always happens when Mom & I talk the conversation was turned to my daddy, by Mom.  She says she has let go of the past, but with every conversation she goes back to it, back to events that are very painful.  What she doesn't realize is that with each telling of the "facts" she gives me more of the "truths" & I find out that what she told me originally, time-line wise, is not true.  She knew the facts a lot longer than she originally told my brother & me.  It really does not matter at this point in time, but it sure explains much more.  While I still don't really remember my childhood, she does fill in some blanks. 

I have been thinking about this post for months.  I thought about it last night & went back & forth on whether or not I would even write it.  But, this year I have promised myself that I would write the truth of my Journey, whatever that might be & where ever it might lead, either currently or in my past, with complete truth & authenticity.  Yesterday I saw a report on the news about a young man who killed the man who had molested him as a child then continued, allegedly, to stalk him as an adult.  The wife of the slain man has asked that the young man not be given prison time, not be charged with murder because she believes "my husband had a secret life."  That opened up a big can of worms for me.  So, here is my truth...

My dad molested at least one boy (who as a young adult returned to that small town in OK to blackmail my daddy-looking for $20,000 to go away.  He didn't get the money because my Mom bluffed him, stood up & refused to pay.  He went away, but I think my dad may have given him the money.), maybe two.  For all I know there were more.  I have spoken about this but I have never written those words before.  That was harder than I thought.  I know he did not abuse his children in that manner.  I know this for a fact about my brother although Mom says there was an "incident" with my brother when he was a baby that made her very uncomfortable & that after that she never allowed either of us to be alone with our dad.  That is why he never went to father/daughter functions with me, Mom would tell him it wasn't important & that I didn't care one way or the other (I did though, it hurt me so much that I never could attend those functions with my daddy & I never knew until recently that Mom kept this from happening because she did not want him to be alone with me).  There was the time that he exposed himself to me when I was 15 or 16.  I never told anyone until I was in intensive therapy when I told my therapist.  Later I told my Mom.  There is one incident when I was 5 that I can only remember up to a certain point then nothing.  It was when I was alone with my daddy.  I shared this in therapy & know that I can probably undergo hypnosis & remember but I am not sure I want to at this point in my life.  I have come out the other side on so much & what would it solve.  I shared this with my Mom also & she has pretty much poo-pooed the whole thing, but I understand that is a defense mechanism for her.  

I have strong feelings that my daddy should have gone to jail for what he did--I can never forgive what he did nor can I justify it.  I also cannot justify or forgive the fact that when my Mom knew for certain she did nothing, kept quiet, kept up appearances.  That just goes against all that I believe is right.  My Mom knows intellectually that this should have happened-he should have been sent to jail, he should have had to make amends when she became aware of the scope of the abuse, but to this day she feels that would have as she says "ruined" all of our lives.  That we would have had to move away from my hometown.  She believes that stigma would have scarred my brother & me for life.  Hell, we were scarred anyway by the childhood we had to live.  Could it have really been any worse?  Would have knowing the truth, living the truth perhaps set us free?  Would we have been healthier sooner if the lies had not been told?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I am free now.  Free of believing I was somehow less than I needed to be in order to be loved by my daddy.  After all these years, it wasn't me.  I could have saved myself a lot of wrong roads in life, a few bad choices, & perhaps had a marriage that actually lasted had I only known the truth. 

What I do wonder about my dad is this.  I know he was gay, I know he had relationships with men.  One of them was a really nice man who was very good to my brother & me.  He & daddy took me to see the movie Pollyanna-it is one of my favorite childhood memories.  He spent time at our house, he brought us gifts-a stuffed poodle was my favorite.  We (including my Mom) visited his house.  What caused my dad, later, to become interested in young boys, teenagers?  That is not typical of a gay man.  I have many gay friends - they are not like that.  I like my gay friends, I respect them.  In fact, I love my gay friends.  They treat me with such respect & love.  I would have been happy to say "My dad is gay", I would have been fine if he had a partner.  I would have embraced that, but I just cannot wrap my mind around the other.  These are questions that will never be answered in this Life.  But what I do know is this, I chose this Journey these parents when my Spirit chose to have a human experience.  I am only now beginning to understand the full extent of the lessons those choices are teaching me.   Someday, I will be fully Enlightened & will know all the answers.  For now, I walk my Path.

~~blessed be...