Friday, March 26, 2010

T.G.I.F. Ramblings

It's here, it's here...FRIDAY!!  Certainly the last three days have been better than my Monday.  But, then that wouldn't have taken alot. 

I am looking forward to my weekend, supposed to be in the 70's here tomorrow.  Just might be a good day for a walk in the park with one or all three of the furkiddos.  They need a good long walk & so do I.  Could be just want I need to jumpstart my waning exercise program.  The yoga & pilates dvd's are lying on top of the tv ready to load into the player.  I know how good I feel when I exercise each morning, but I have just been lazy.  Shape up, girl!!  Get with the program!!

I was watching Sober House w/Dr. Drew last night & I thought how blessed I am.  I never went to rehab, detoxed on my own, & worked the Steps like a maniac so that I could start my life over.  That's been over 15 yrs now.  What I have learned during those years couldn't all be listed here if I wrote all day.  What I do know without a doubt is that I am an addict.  I have an addictive personality so I must be ever vigilent.  I don't crave drugs anymore, haven't for years.  I don't even take aspirin.  Decided to handle depression without drugs.  Didn't like the way anti-depressants made me feel.  Basically, because I felt nothing at all.  I was numb all the time.  Wasn't depressed, wasn't anything.  So, I decided that I needed to feel the feelings & learn to deal with them.  Oh, sometimes the darkness threatens & sometimes I take a moment to acknowledge it.  But I do not allow it to take over.  I know that if I stay in touch with my feelings, acknowledge them, & work through them I will be alright.  I know that I have a chemical imbalance.  I treat it naturally.  But just knowing that it is chemicals, not insanity has really helped.  It is easy to sink into insanity when you are not insane.  I've been crazy & this Life I have now is much better.  I am much better.  So, self-medicating is no longer an option for me.  I am choosing to live a healthy life.

I have learned that liquor is not a problem even though I was a binge drinker for many years.  I can have a beer with bar-b-que or Mexican food & I am lucky to finish it.  I can have a glass of Merlot sitting on the patio enjoying the last rays of sunshine on a lovely day with a dog on my lap.  Don't even get a buzz.   So no more black-outs, no more hangovers.  Thank Great Spirit for that!

While I will not mention her name here, the therapist I saw for several years got me through the rest of the rough spots & I am deeply grateful.  She blessed me beyond measure.  It is a debt I could never repay so I try, in whatever small way possible, to make a difference in someone else's life.  I offer whatever comfort & advice I may have.  I faced my demons, I faced my childhood, I faced the truth about my family.  I looked at all the events that shaped me & I decided what parts I would keep.  There weren't many.  Just stepping back as an observer & looking at my past from the outside was enlightening.  I am glad I was able to look honestly & accept that which I cannot change...those who I cannot change.  I can only change me...& I have. 

The day I sat on my Daddy's grave & said all that had been unsaid for more years than I could count was a freeing moment.  I yelled, I cried, I talked.  Then I told him I would not be back.  I haven't.  No more flowers left, no more trying to make him be the Dad I wanted even though he has crossed over to the Other Side.  Our moment for any reconciliation is long past.  He has been dead for 24-25yrs, and the moment had passed long before that.   I can only hope that his Spirit is free at last.  His demons were far greater than mine.  And he left this Life with much on his soul.  I hope he has found peace.  I have. 

So, today & everyday, I walk with a smile & an appreciation of how good life can be, how happy one can be when acceptance, peace, & contentment are chosen.  When asked "How are you?" my response "Fabulous, as always!!"

~~blessed be...


Tracie said...

It is wonderful to see people who have done the hard work, survived through it and come to a place of peace and wholeness. It is a beautiful gift.

Beth said...

Popping in to say hello from the Okie Blog Hop. Have a wonderful weekend!

Prairiemaid said...

First, I wanted to thank you for following me. This is the first time I have had a chance to visit.

Reading through your post, touched my heart. You are truly an over comer in every sense of the word! We all have those things from our past that like to hang on, but through the blood of Yeshua they can be totally washed away.

I am glad you have decided to live in the "here and now" and leave the past were it belongs.

Thanks for linking up.

Have a blessed weekend,

Dishin And Dishes said...

What a wonderful overcoming story! Thank you for sharing!

Territory Mom said...

Hey girl, with every blog you post I feel closer to you. I'm glad I saw this post today because it will be a day of peace. Thank you