T.G.I.F. Ramblings

It's here, it's here...FRIDAY!!  Certainly the last three days have been better than my Monday.  But, then that wouldn't have taken alot. 

I am looking forward to my weekend, supposed to be in the 70's here tomorrow.  Just might be a good day for a walk in the park with one or all three of the furkiddos.  They need a good long walk & so do I.  Could be just want I need to jumpstart my waning exercise program.  The yoga & pilates dvd's are lying on top of the tv ready to load into the player.  I know how good I feel when I exercise each morning, but I have just been lazy.  Shape up, girl!!  Get with the program!!

I was watching Sober House w/Dr. Drew last night & I thought how blessed I am.  I never went to rehab, detoxed on my own, & worked the Steps like a maniac so that I could start my life over.  That's been over 15 yrs now.  What I have learned during those years couldn't all be listed here if I wrote all day.  What I do know without a doubt is that I am an addict.  I have an addictive personality so I must be ever vigilent.  I don't crave drugs anymore, haven't for years.  I don't even take aspirin.  Decided to handle depression without drugs.  Didn't like the way anti-depressants made me feel.  Basically, because I felt nothing at all.  I was numb all the time.  Wasn't depressed, wasn't anything.  So, I decided that I needed to feel the feelings & learn to deal with them.  Oh, sometimes the darkness threatens & sometimes I take a moment to acknowledge it.  But I do not allow it to take over.  I know that if I stay in touch with my feelings, acknowledge them, & work through them I will be alright.  I know that I have a chemical imbalance.  I treat it naturally.  But just knowing that it is chemicals, not insanity has really helped.  It is easy to sink into insanity when you are not insane.  I've been crazy & this Life I have now is much better.  I am much better.  So, self-medicating is no longer an option for me.  I am choosing to live a healthy life.

I have learned that liquor is not a problem even though I was a binge drinker for many years.  I can have a beer with bar-b-que or Mexican food & I am lucky to finish it.  I can have a glass of Merlot sitting on the patio enjoying the last rays of sunshine on a lovely day with a dog on my lap.  Don't even get a buzz.   So no more black-outs, no more hangovers.  Thank Great Spirit for that!

While I will not mention her name here, the therapist I saw for several years got me through the rest of the rough spots & I am deeply grateful.  She blessed me beyond measure.  It is a debt I could never repay so I try, in whatever small way possible, to make a difference in someone else's life.  I offer whatever comfort & advice I may have.  I faced my demons, I faced my childhood, I faced the truth about my family.  I looked at all the events that shaped me & I decided what parts I would keep.  There weren't many.  Just stepping back as an observer & looking at my past from the outside was enlightening.  I am glad I was able to look honestly & accept that which I cannot change...those who I cannot change.  I can only change me...& I have. 

The day I sat on my Daddy's grave & said all that had been unsaid for more years than I could count was a freeing moment.  I yelled, I cried, I talked.  Then I told him I would not be back.  I haven't.  No more flowers left, no more trying to make him be the Dad I wanted even though he has crossed over to the Other Side.  Our moment for any reconciliation is long past.  He has been dead for 24-25yrs, and the moment had passed long before that.   I can only hope that his Spirit is free at last.  His demons were far greater than mine.  And he left this Life with much on his soul.  I hope he has found peace.  I have. 

So, today & everyday, I walk with a smile & an appreciation of how good life can be, how happy one can be when acceptance, peace, & contentment are chosen.  When asked "How are you?" my response "Fabulous, as always!!"

~~blessed be...