Friday, March 26, 2010
It's here, it's here...FRIDAY!! Certainly the last three days have been better than my Monday. But, then that wouldn't have taken alot.
I am looking forward to my weekend, supposed to be in the 70's here tomorrow. Just might be a good day for a walk in the park with one or all three of the furkiddos. They need a good long walk & so do I. Could be just want I need to jumpstart my waning exercise program. The yoga & pilates dvd's are lying on top of the tv ready to load into the player. I know how good I feel when I exercise each morning, but I have just been lazy. Shape up, girl!! Get with the program!!
I was watching Sober House w/Dr. Drew last night & I thought how blessed I am. I never went to rehab, detoxed on my own, & worked the Steps like a maniac so that I could start my life over. That's been over 15 yrs now. What I have learned during those years couldn't all be listed here if I wrote all day. What I do know without a doubt is that I am an addict. I have an addictive personality so I must be ever vigilent. I don't crave drugs anymore, haven't for years. I don't even take aspirin. Decided to handle depression without drugs. Didn't like the way anti-depressants made me feel. Basically, because I felt nothing at all. I was numb all the time. Wasn't depressed, wasn't anything. So, I decided that I needed to feel the feelings & learn to deal with them. Oh, sometimes the darkness threatens & sometimes I take a moment to acknowledge it. But I do not allow it to take over. I know that if I stay in touch with my feelings, acknowledge them, & work through them I will be alright. I know that I have a chemical imbalance. I treat it naturally. But just knowing that it is chemicals, not insanity has really helped. It is easy to sink into insanity when you are not insane. I've been crazy & this Life I have now is much better. I am much better. So, self-medicating is no longer an option for me. I am choosing to live a healthy life.
I have learned that liquor is not a problem even though I was a binge drinker for many years. I can have a beer with bar-b-que or Mexican food & I am lucky to finish it. I can have a glass of Merlot sitting on the patio enjoying the last rays of sunshine on a lovely day with a dog on my lap. Don't even get a buzz. So no more black-outs, no more hangovers. Thank Great Spirit for that!
While I will not mention her name here, the therapist I saw for several years got me through the rest of the rough spots & I am deeply grateful. She blessed me beyond measure. It is a debt I could never repay so I try, in whatever small way possible, to make a difference in someone else's life. I offer whatever comfort & advice I may have. I faced my demons, I faced my childhood, I faced the truth about my family. I looked at all the events that shaped me & I decided what parts I would keep. There weren't many. Just stepping back as an observer & looking at my past from the outside was enlightening. I am glad I was able to look honestly & accept that which I cannot change...those who I cannot change. I can only change me...& I have.
The day I sat on my Daddy's grave & said all that had been unsaid for more years than I could count was a freeing moment. I yelled, I cried, I talked. Then I told him I would not be back. I haven't. No more flowers left, no more trying to make him be the Dad I wanted even though he has crossed over to the Other Side. Our moment for any reconciliation is long past. He has been dead for 24-25yrs, and the moment had passed long before that. I can only hope that his Spirit is free at last. His demons were far greater than mine. And he left this Life with much on his soul. I hope he has found peace. I have.
So, today & everyday, I walk with a smile & an appreciation of how good life can be, how happy one can be when acceptance, peace, & contentment are chosen. When asked "How are you?" my response "Fabulous, as always!!"