Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Saving Grace

An angel offers a jaded Oklahoma City police detective the chance to redeem her life.
"Why you always get so caught up in which road to take, they all lead to the same place." Earl
I started watching "Saving Grace" accidentally. I was channel surfing when the first episode came on. It caught me because it was set in OKC. Then I got caught up in the characters of Grace & her angel Earl. I identify with Grace. She is me in another part of my life. I lived a lot like her for several years. I wasn't a cop. I liked to make forays on the other side of that line. Nothing serious, but I did like the bad boys, their toys, & the world they inhabited. I guess in many ways it was rebellion, but on a deeper level it was to assure myself that I was alive. In those circles I was always the most educated, the one who came from, or so they thought, a very suit/tie world. The world of "citizens"- those people who follow the rules, have a steady job, are pillars of the community. This is the fantasy I lived in that circle. In that world I was admired. In the beginning I had no street smarts, but I quickly developed them. I have oh let's use the word dated &/or married bikers, outlaws, theives, dealers, one gun runner, & one member of the KKK (that one scared the hell outta me when I discovered this bit of info-I got outta that very quickly & to this day he does not know I know his secret). I have also run with the rich oil crowd. Dated millionaires, ranchers, etc. Older men, younger men, men my age. Let us just say, I ran the roads pretty hard for awhile (all between the ages of 28 & 30 for the most part-a couple were after my 2nd divorce in '94, after '95 I never dated again until 2000).
To what is all this leading, & how does it involve a TV show? Well, lately, I have been thinking alot about my experiences with angels, demons, ghosts, Great Spirit. I keep coming to this through friends' concerns, other bloggers writings, my own experiences/sightings. The audible voice of Thomas, my angel. Since I was a kid, I have seen what others could not. I have been visited by the departed, those who have crossed over to the Other Side. The first one that I truly remember was my Granddaddy who died when I was 16. He came to me the night after he died. The next one was a high school friend who was killed in a car accident. He visisted many times for awhile after he crossed over. Just checking in I guess. The visits were much like we had been in this existence. Just talking.
When I was 34 my Daddy died. He was a very troubled person & we had a very strained relationship. I will write more about this another time, but my father was gay. Not openly so & he made some very bad decisions in his exploration of who he was. Additionally, he did not want to be a parent. No child should ever know that a parent is unhappy in that role. Before I move on just let me say this. I have no problem that I had a gay parent. My problem was with his treatment of his children, & with some other decisions/experiences he made/chose to have that were inappropriate to say the least. I have known many gay/lesbian couples through the years that are wonderful parents-wonderful, healthy, happy, stable, accomplished people. I think if my Daddy had been able to be openly who he was, he too might have been a better person/parent. I am sorry for the lie he lived & for the damage it did to all of us.
My experiences with my Daddy started the morning he died. I had been in OKC to see him (he spent a month in ICU after a massive heart attack), he knew I was there & I was the last person to whom he spoke. Then there were many complications & he was on life-support. I was living in Vegas at the time & had to return home after several days. I had woke up that morning then decided to go back to sleep. I entered what I describe as a trace like state. Somewhere between awake & asleep. A place where you can travel in other dimensions. There I met my Daddy. We walked, talked, cried, said a lot that we needed to say. He told me how proud of me he had always been. We spent hours together in that place between this life & the Other Side. Then I "woke" with a start & I knew he had died. I rushed downstairs to call the hospital. As I placed my hand on the receiver the phone rang. It was my Mom calling to tell me Daddy had died. My first question was "What time?" It was the exact moment that I had woke up. Oh yes, a couple of days before he died I looked over in the passenger seat of my car & there he was. My first words were "You never ride with me" because in all the years I had been driving he had never ridden with me, he always drove. But there he was. After he died, he would visit at least once a year. Usually around the time he had died. The visits got very frightening. One time, in the middle of the night, a cassette tape holder that was bolted to the studs in the wall came flying off & landed in the middle of the living room floor. Loaves of bread would be pitched at me when I was at work alone & my back was turned. After the tape shelf incident I advised him that while he could visit anytime he wanted he could not scare me or my family. After that the visits stopped & have never resumed.
After I left my 2nd husband & was packing to leave Portland, my Nanny appeared in my bedroom door. I assured her I was alright & she left. She has never returned. My brother used to be standing at the end of my street in uniform when I would be out with the dogs late at night. He has spoken to me several times. I saw him at a concert dancing like he always did. I have seen him on his bike, all decked out in his leathers riding free.
Those have all been good experiences. But I have had darker ones, too. Demons have visited me many times. Sometimes they have taken up residence in the house. I was never aware of them until probably 20o0. That is when I started giving my testimony quite often. Telling my story. I think they were always present, but when I was living my other life, they were happy & stayed in the background. Then I began living as I do now. I got clean/sober. I no longer kept the secrets. I talked about it all. I told my truth. Then they appeared. I have always said there was wailing in hell when I straighted up. The devil lost a soul. But it was a soul he had never really had-guess he thought there was a chance so long as I stayed in that life. The war stated for me when all chances were dashed. First it was just little ones. Just small dark shadows. Then they got bigger & bigger. The largest one stood 10-12 ft tall & was huge. I would see them stalking around outside the house. They were always in my room. I would get pushed down when no one was around. Hard shoves that sent me flying. I fought them with all that was at my disposal. Great Spirit, my Totem, smudging the house, the yard, my car. Banishing them in the name of Jesus. They came back when my brother was dying. Tried to get him before it was too late. Didn't succeed at that either. Mom & I fought them w/Great Spirit & won.
Lest you think I have had only bad experiences with the unseen forces that walk beside us in this Life. I have had good ones too. Friendly, bright spirits that come with messages or who just like to inhabit the space. There was a little girl who lived in one house with me. Then she moved to the next house. Also a former resident of the house visited. It was all very nice. They were just hanging out. The little girl even had a message for one of my friends & they talked at great lengths.
Lately, it has just been my Totem the great wolf who is present. He never leaves. He had been staying outside for years, but the last few months has moved into the house. Wolf just hangs out. My furkids see him too. Zane will track him through the house & sometimes sits & stares. Lobo (who is named for my Totem) also runs around with him. Scrappy sees him but is not fazed. Just takes it as routine. Sometimes Wolf just hangs out, sometimes I see him moving through the house, other times he will walk by & brush my arm. It is comforting & I am blessed he stays close.
So, what has all this to do with "Saving Grace" you ask. Well, Grace is at that crossroads. She has to decide which side she is on. She is a good cop, deep down a good person but she has not committed to that which is greater than her. Earl has come to help her with that. So like my Thomas he talks, he counsels, he cajols, he is ever there. He is trying to lead her to that Higher Power that can give her the peace she craves-the answers she needs. It has been an interesting journey so far & I watch each week to see if her path will converge with mine in Enlightenment.
Saving Grace, Amazing Grace - Angels, Spirits, Visitations- Are you open to your moment of Enlightenment? Take the Journey, hear your Angel's voice. It is worth the ride. Great Spirit awaits.
blessed be...