Sometimes I wonder...

I am not only a wanderer, but I also wonder about so much in Life.  I wonder why the same situation can affect two people so differently.  Intellectually, I know it is because of where the person's heart is at that moment, the previous life experiences, and what kind of day they are having.  I tend to see everything with an accepting heart.  But there are times that even my heart and soul are tried by an event.  Case in point, my house. I have been working on buying the house I have lived in for several years for almost a year now.  Seemed to be getting to the end of that road so to speak.  The house is owned by a trust and that comes with its own special circumstances when it comes to the house being sold.  Now we have hit the snag that the beneficiaries of the trust think the price is not enough, the lease amount I am paying is not enough.  Worst of all they seem to think I somehow took advantage of the original trustee who is now deceased.  Everything is written as he wanted, not as I wanted.  It is a good deal for me, no doubt about that, but I just plain don't take advantage of people.  Too much negative karma would be attached to that type of behavior not to mention it just isn't me.  I don't want to be taken advantage of so I sure won't do it to anyone else.  Needless to say, I lost my grace for a moment when I heard all that.  Now the attorney is trying to explain the deal, why it is a good deal, & why the offer is what it is (the house appraised low because of repairs that are needed that the trust does not want to do).  I have regained my grace and know that this deal will be what it will be when the Universe is ready.  Until then I have an ironclad lease for another 6 yrs & half my lease goes toward my down payment for the house. 

There is someone I know who has been very affected by Robin Williams' suicide.  It has really messed with this person's head.  It could have messed with mine had I chosen to go there.  I did go there for just a moment but refused to be drawn into the darkness that leads me to suicidal thoughts.  I am so far past my distant past where I contemplated leaving this world by my own hand.  The last time was the closest I came.  Now I know that I will solve none of my problems that way and I will only leave unanswered questions, hurt, and sadness to those to whom I am the closest.  The damage I would do far outweighs the solace I might feel by leaving.  Suicide is a selfish act that holds little regard for those left behind.  It just leaves questions.  I understand the instances of a terminal illness or debilitating prognosis where someone wants to leave before they become a burden or a shell of the person they were.  I certainly would not want that to happen to me and my family.  But I also believe there is a lesson in each life.  Things that can be learned about Life from those who are on a first name basis with their mortality.

Depression is a daily factor in my life now.  Has been for awhile.  Some days I don't notice it at all and others I awake to it.  It is always just below the surface waiting.  Medication, meditation, Reiki, EMDR, positivity, and therapy have helped me deal with that feeling.  I make a choice each morning to sink into the darkness or rise up, face the day with a smile, and see all that is beautiful around me.  I do count my blessings.  They far outweigh the downsides.  Between the depression and the PTSD (thanks to my birth family and an abusive ex for that one) I sometimes struggle.  There are a few that are very close to me that know my struggles, but most people are not aware that some days I am holding on by a very thin thread of sanity.  I work hard to be sane.  Crazy is just too scary.  But I have lived with crazy for a long time.  I have come to accept that I have a mental disorder, I have a disability.  But I have no wish to be disabled.  I function, I am good at what I do, and I work very hard to help others see that these things do not have to be a definition of who they are.  I am so much more than that.  I am capable, I am hard-working, I am positive, I want the best for everyone.  I am damaged but work each day to hide the damage.  It cannot be "fixed" and it will never go away, but I manage it.  I only allow myself to hide in the darkness when I am alone.  Some weekends I never leave the house.  I stay inside in my safe world.  Funny, sometimes it is safer outside around others though.

I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks but I know I can ease them in many ways all by myself.  Sometimes it is just realizing that I am in a situation that is triggering me.  In that case I can either tell myself it is not the past or a certain person or I can remove myself.  Both seem to work. 

I do possess a certain wisdom that comes from all of the above and from age.  I know it is all but a moment in time and that I can choose my reaction.  I know that most things people say or their tone of voice is not meant personally.  It is just how that person communicates.  The effect I let it have on me is my choice. 

Am I happy?  Yes, I am!!  I have wonderful friends, a great job, nice co-workers, 4 dogs that adore me, and a family I am very proud to call mine.  I have all that I need and many things that I simply wanted.  I am a blessed woman.  I know it!! 

Well those were the thoughts rolling around in my head today.  Hope it helps someone even if only to know they are not alone.

~~blessed be...

Life at the cabin

Once again I will be writing about my vision/dream of life at my wooded cabin.

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I awoke this morning feeling refreshed & famished.  Grey & the Pack are ready to go romping in the woods around the cabin & I am cooking breakfast, making coffee, & putting away the things I brought with me.  I always sleep soundly here.  The quiet seeps into my very soul.  Here I feel nothing but peace.  I cherish the solitude.  Lucky for me the kitchen is fully stocked.  He always makes sure to put in enough supplies for me for a few days when I arrive.  Fresh fruit, bread, my favorite coffee.  I take my food & head outside to the porch to drink in the early morning light & sounds.  Later I will do my morning meditation, maybe a little yoga.  Mostly though I will just enjoy being home.  The morning is cool & crisp.  A light breeze plays through the wind chimes hanging around the porch.  The soft tinkle of music is serenaded by the sound of birds flying overhead & foraging in the brush.  I have never been afraid here.  So far from town & alone.  I could have a road cut, drive up here in my four-wheel drive truck, but that would defeat my purpose in being here.  I want to be in a rustic setting, living off the land as much as I can.  Tonight I know the Pack will hunt.  The rabbits & small game around the cabin are not enough to sustain them, especially Grey who is incredibly large for a wolf.  Grey has always been with me.  He has walked beside me since I was 10.  While the other two are mortal, Grey is not.  Grey is a spirit creature though he does enjoy a hunt & will morph into a physical wolf so that he can enjoy the taste of the hunt.  He walks between this world & the next.  He will always be here or somewhere nearby for me.  He reveals himself to a few others from time to time, but only when he knows they are open & when he knows it will benefit me or the other person for him to be visible.  Grey is my protector, my guide, & my strength. 

I wonder though when he will come back.  He knows I'm here or the roses wouldn't have been in the cabin.  He never likes to leave the woods, but he will do it when he knows I am coming home.  The roses are always the message that he knows I am here, knows I am ready to live his lifestyle.  His spirit is that of a gypsy, too, but he does not & never has possessed the wanderlust that fills my spirit so often.   He hopes each time that I will wander no more.  That I will finally be satisfied staying here with him.  

Life here is hard, & easy in some ways.  No phones, no internet, no neighbors.  But in the dead of winter it can be dark, gloomy, & it will eat at your soul from loneliness if you are not prepared.  I come when I have been out in the world too much.  Too much noise, too many people, too much distraction, too much chaos.  I guess it was the chaos that first brought me to this place.  My heart was heavy & my head too full of noise.  I was loosing myself in the world.  So when it all gets to be too much, when I feel the depression clawing at me with sharp talons, & my head becomes a mess of noise I come home.  I am a student of humans.  I like to people watch.  I am social to a degree.  But inside I am very shy preferring to sit on the sidelines & observe.  Then I write.  My writing sustains me. 

Sometimes the craziness brings me here. He can sooth me from the turmoil, reminding me of my higher self.  Reminding me that my destiny is not yet fulfilled.  I can just be!  I can, though, sooth myself here too.  It is easy to find peace when all around you lives simply, in the now, just taking today for what it is with no worries about yesterday or tomorrow.  His fear, I think, is that I will learn to do this full-time in the world.  I get better at that every day.  The times that I return to the woods have gotten less frequent.  I am able to bring that beautiful solitude with me into my life in the world.  The world that I must live in to fund my adventures.  Someday the adventure of living may not hold the same feeling for me, but until then I come & go as I need to in order to be a fully functioning individual. 

For now, I am here...fully present in the Now.  Just being one with the environment.  Maybe he will stop by today & we can philosophize about life.  A good conversation is one of my greatest pleasures.  I love the give & take & sharing of ideas. 

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So, what is real & what is fantasy?