Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Sometimes I wonder...

I am not only a wanderer, but I also wonder about so much in Life.  I wonder why the same situation can affect two people so differently.  Intellectually, I know it is because of where the person's heart is at that moment, the previous life experiences, and what kind of day they are having.  I tend to see everything with an accepting heart.  But there are times that even my heart and soul are tried by an event.  Case in point, my house. I have been working on buying the house I have lived in for several years for almost a year now.  Seemed to be getting to the end of that road so to speak.  The house is owned by a trust and that comes with its own special circumstances when it comes to the house being sold.  Now we have hit the snag that the beneficiaries of the trust think the price is not enough, the lease amount I am paying is not enough.  Worst of all they seem to think I somehow took advantage of the original trustee who is now deceased.  Everything is written as he wanted, not as I wanted.  It is a good deal for me, no doubt about that, but I just plain don't take advantage of people.  Too much negative karma would be attached to that type of behavior not to mention it just isn't me.  I don't want to be taken advantage of so I sure won't do it to anyone else.  Needless to say, I lost my grace for a moment when I heard all that.  Now the attorney is trying to explain the deal, why it is a good deal, & why the offer is what it is (the house appraised low because of repairs that are needed that the trust does not want to do).  I have regained my grace and know that this deal will be what it will be when the Universe is ready.  Until then I have an ironclad lease for another 6 yrs & half my lease goes toward my down payment for the house. 

There is someone I know who has been very affected by Robin Williams' suicide.  It has really messed with this person's head.  It could have messed with mine had I chosen to go there.  I did go there for just a moment but refused to be drawn into the darkness that leads me to suicidal thoughts.  I am so far past my distant past where I contemplated leaving this world by my own hand.  The last time was the closest I came.  Now I know that I will solve none of my problems that way and I will only leave unanswered questions, hurt, and sadness to those to whom I am the closest.  The damage I would do far outweighs the solace I might feel by leaving.  Suicide is a selfish act that holds little regard for those left behind.  It just leaves questions.  I understand the instances of a terminal illness or debilitating prognosis where someone wants to leave before they become a burden or a shell of the person they were.  I certainly would not want that to happen to me and my family.  But I also believe there is a lesson in each life.  Things that can be learned about Life from those who are on a first name basis with their mortality.

Depression is a daily factor in my life now.  Has been for awhile.  Some days I don't notice it at all and others I awake to it.  It is always just below the surface waiting.  Medication, meditation, Reiki, EMDR, positivity, and therapy have helped me deal with that feeling.  I make a choice each morning to sink into the darkness or rise up, face the day with a smile, and see all that is beautiful around me.  I do count my blessings.  They far outweigh the downsides.  Between the depression and the PTSD (thanks to my birth family and an abusive ex for that one) I sometimes struggle.  There are a few that are very close to me that know my struggles, but most people are not aware that some days I am holding on by a very thin thread of sanity.  I work hard to be sane.  Crazy is just too scary.  But I have lived with crazy for a long time.  I have come to accept that I have a mental disorder, I have a disability.  But I have no wish to be disabled.  I function, I am good at what I do, and I work very hard to help others see that these things do not have to be a definition of who they are.  I am so much more than that.  I am capable, I am hard-working, I am positive, I want the best for everyone.  I am damaged but work each day to hide the damage.  It cannot be "fixed" and it will never go away, but I manage it.  I only allow myself to hide in the darkness when I am alone.  Some weekends I never leave the house.  I stay inside in my safe world.  Funny, sometimes it is safer outside around others though.

I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks but I know I can ease them in many ways all by myself.  Sometimes it is just realizing that I am in a situation that is triggering me.  In that case I can either tell myself it is not the past or a certain person or I can remove myself.  Both seem to work. 

I do possess a certain wisdom that comes from all of the above and from age.  I know it is all but a moment in time and that I can choose my reaction.  I know that most things people say or their tone of voice is not meant personally.  It is just how that person communicates.  The effect I let it have on me is my choice. 

Am I happy?  Yes, I am!!  I have wonderful friends, a great job, nice co-workers, 4 dogs that adore me, and a family I am very proud to call mine.  I have all that I need and many things that I simply wanted.  I am a blessed woman.  I know it!! 

Well those were the thoughts rolling around in my head today.  Hope it helps someone even if only to know they are not alone.

~~blessed be...

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