And now...

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become" - Carl Jung

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I have been divorced from Cowboy for 15 yrs this month. It has been an amazing ride since starting life on my own. I spent several years with SWA & then moved back to OK in December, 1999. 1999 was a monumental year in my life. My brother was diagnosed with NHL in February, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, & Hypoglycemia in June & a very strange lump was found during my mammogram (turned out to be benign). I spent a month on medical leave. During that month I stayed in OK with my Mom, went to treatment with my bro, & decided I was very tired of the corporate rat race. So, when an opportunity to move back to OK came along I took it. I became very active in the church I was attending at that time with my Mom. I was the Missions Director, I taught Sunday School, I preached at Sunday Night services on occasion. I toyed with the idea of becoming a minister. Mutual friends set Sparky & me up on a blind date in 2000. He recognized my first name & informed them that we knew each other, had gone to school together, grown up in the same small town. We were together for several years (during which my son got married & my grandson was born-Sparky adores him BTW) then he decided he wanted to be alone. I was heartbroken & had a very hard time getting over him. I went back into therapy for three years. Best three years I have spent on myself. I worked through so much old crap. I worked through my whole life & learned a lot about myself. My therapist was wonderful & I will be forever grateful to her for all the work she made me accomplish. I worked very hard to get healthy & to conquer my depression (I have been med free for 4 yrs). I got back in contact with my first love, my first kiss. We eventually became engaged. I spent alot of time in Seattle where he lives. My first granddaughter was born. My brother's cancer returned twice-he had a stem cell transplant when Sparky & I were together. The final relaspe came 18 months later. We spent alot of time together, we went to Key West, we went to his treatments, we went to clubs, we danced, we laughed, & in the last 6 months of his life he lived with me. I was honored to be his caretaker. We said our goodbyes many times, we talked about everything we needed to discuss, we laughed & we loved. He finished teaching me how to live & he taught me how to die. I helped him understand how to cross over & when he left it was with a smile on his lips & a look of joy & wonderment in his eyes. I will forever miss him.

For the next year I did not know what to do with myself. I broke off the engagement because the relationship was not a positive in my life. My second granddaughter was born. Sparky came back into my life (he was also friends with my brother & had spent a lot of time with us during the last months-he spoke at the funeral, he was a pallbearer). I think in that time he saw me in a very different light & developed a new appreciation for the person I had become. I let him know I was not going to tolerate any more of his freaking out over the relationship. I told him we could date til we die, but I was not interested in marrying him (and I still am not 3 yrs later). We are good friends & he treats me like gold. He is very lucky I took him back, & I am blessed to have him in my life. He takes care of me.

Life is not what I dreamed it would be back when I was a smalltown girl, but it is what it is supposed to be. I am on a Journey that is fulfilling, happy, & always surprising. I am becoming who I was meant to be, but who I could not have been without going through what I went through. I am not those experiences, but I have grown to become me for having gone through them. I am stronger, smarter, more spiritual, more tolerant, more understanding, & more at peace than I would have been if I had not chosen the paths I walked. Now I am choosing the path toward higher enlightenment of my Spirit. Who knows where the remainder of the Journey will lead. I do know I am looking forward to the ride.

Blessed be...