Thinking...

I'm sad today for someone I don't even know, will never know. My boss's nephew took his own life on Saturday.  My heart breaks for the family.  For the Mother whose only child no longer walks in this world, the Wife who heard the shot, the Family left to wonder Why?

One of my cousin's took her life 40 years ago (she was just out of her teens), a month ago a childhood friend took his life.   I said today that nothing is ever so bad that suicide is the answer, but that was said for comfort.  We never know how bad it has really become in someone else's life.  How unbearable may be the burden, how terminal the illness, how heavy the load, how helpless the feeling, how deep the depression.  Those who are healthy make the statement I made today for a healthy Spirit cannot imagine ending its own Life.  But I have walked in the land of darkness where the only answer seems to be to move out of this Life to the Other Side.  I know how deep the depression can get, how heavy the load, how helpless the situation can seem.  I know the voice that encourages you, tells you it will be better when you are gone from this world.  I know what it feels like to have the gun in my hand or the razor blade poised over a vein.What the voice does not tell you is the pain your leaving will cause, the void in the hearts of others, the pain they feel because there is no answer to their "Why?", the guilt that will never leave the ones left behind to carry on, move forward, but never really heal.  No last chance to say I love you, no chance to save you, nothing but pain.

So today, I thank Great Spirit that I am no longer trapped in the Darkness.  But I cry for those who are still feeling their way trying to find the Light, the Door, some relief, an answer.  Anything to quiet the voice, still the fear, calm the situation, kill the pain, open the heart, let in the joy.  Anything just to live.  And for all their families I pray.

blessed be...

What shaped you?

I just finished watching "The Great Debaters", & I was struck by how we are shaped by that which we experience in Life.  Experience during our "formative" years.  I think those years are different for each of us & encompass many years, spanning decades off & on.  We form who we are over many years.  We do not just emerge fully adult at the end of our teens or early 20's.  Sometimes we do not know fully who we are & what we are meant to accomplish until we are in our 40's or 50's.  And sometimes we are still finding out about ourselves as we approach 60. 

I am in the Autumn of my life.  I have lived more years than I have left.  That is not fatalistic thinking, but the truth.  I am 58 yrs old.  At best I could have 40 yrs left.  Perhaps less.  The women in my family live well into their 80's & I have always thought I would see 100 yrs.  Every day I learn something new about myself.  Sometimes I learn that I am not so different than I was at 16.
I have always been idealistic, a dreamer.  Always have lived more in my heart & my Spirit, in my head more than in the World.  I never found the World to be a welcoming place.  For many years it was a very scary place for me.  I felt very ill-equipped to survive.  But I found a deep-seated belief within my Spirit.  A knowledge that there is truly a purpose to my Life.  Why else would I have chosen this particular Journey?

Something that would probably surprise all but those who know me intimately is that I am inherently very shy.  I am not comfortable in large gatherings.  When I was a corporate wife I was almost paralyzed by fear in the "cocktail party" setting.  I think that is probably why I started to drink.  It broke through the ice of my shyness & inhibitions. 

I floated through my 30's, working, being a mother, a wife.  But in my 40's I began to search in earnest for the meaning that was missing inside of me.  I needed to get back in touch with my authenticity.  First I had to figure out what was really authentic about me.  I had played a role in my life since childhood & finding the true authentic fiber of me was not an easy task. 

I have very little memory of my childhood so I had very little to draw on that made up "me" from the early years.  As a young adult I let others define me.  I became whatever & whoever the latest man in my life wanted me to be.  It was hard removing that which was false & replacing it with that which was true.   Getting clean & sober, working the Steps, meditating, inward searching all allowed me to discard that which had never defined me & replace it with what really defines me.  I did, & still do, alot of reading.  I found my Spiritualism.  I acknowledged my second sight (which has been with me all my life) & began to embrace seeing that which is unseen to most.  I began to listen to my inner voice, to Great Spirit.  I speak often of being given my Totem, the Great Grey Wolf, but he has been with me since I was 9 or 10.  I consciencely acknowledged him in my late 30's & fully embraced his presence in my 40's. 

I reflect on the defining moments in my life often, but I think who I am authentically has been shaped by things that are deeply hidden in my past.  Things I may never remember.  Things that may be best left unremembered except in my DNA, in the deep recesses of my Spirit.  Those I believe are what has given me my lack of prejudice, my humility, my compassion, my acceptance, my love for people, my lack of judgement.  I am not the person I was once upon a time, but I am the person I was sent to this Life to become, & each day I become more authentic.  I hope I have enough years left to learn all that I wanted to accomplish when I set out on this Journey.  I hope I have enough years left to become the Enlightened Person I am meant to be. 

blessed be...

The Journey -- 2010

                                                                      Wolf Goddess

reprinted courtesy of Lori Karels
http://lorikarels.com/



I saw this print several weeks ago & was so taken by the work-it spoke to my Spirit.  You should definately check out Lori's work by accessing her website listed above.  She does wonderful paintings.  Fairies, Goddesses,  & Animals.  She is truly talented.  The above print will soon be gracing my wall.

*******************************************

Another dear friend succumbed to cancer (my arch enemy) this week.  Gary Jackson was such a support to me & my darlin' brother,Dave, during Dave's illness.  I know Gary counseled & prayed with Dave many times.  He was always there to lend a shoulder to cry on or a compassionate ear when I needed to talk.  He also gave me a beautiful shadow box with one of Dave's uniform shirts as well as one of his badges.  I am adding Dave's photo to it as well.  I am still not ready to hang it in my home but someday it will grace one of my walls.  Gary never failed to meet me with a hug anytime I saw him, & always told me "I love you".  He faced his illness with grace, courage, & an abiding faith.  Gary was a reserve officer with the Ada PD for 10 yrs, and he wore my brother's APD lapel pins for the past 5 yrs. That meant alot to him & to me.  Thank you, Gary, for being my friend, my surrogate brother, & a comfort to me always.  I love you, too!!  You are now on the Other Side, free from pain, & reunited with your brothers in blue who went before you.  I know you were welcomed with open arms & rejoicing when you stepping out of the light into your next Journey.  See you later, in our Father's house.

*********************************

My beloved wolves have returned to Washington State, & they sent a message to me letting me know this through my dear friend Sulustu in Spokane.  Check out his recent blog "Fathers & Visions" at http://sulustu.blogspot.com/   It is one of the most moving pieces I have read in awhile.  I was inspired, & moved to tears.

*********************************

I have been moving toward something, something wonderful, something enlightening recently.  Everything I read leads me closer to that which I am meant to see, experience, & live.  I am becoming more & more unsatisfied with the worldly life.  I hunger for that which is unseen. I am looking to begin the part of my Journey that is anchored in the spiritual, the supernatural.  My totem, the Great Grey Wolf, is always near.  My dreams have been strange, but not frightening.  There is great meaning in them.  Some that I get, some that I think will be revealed later.  I am beginning to re-immerse myself in meditation, yoga, my spiritual reading, as well as my reading on my heritage & Native spirituality.  I am emersing in the cycles of the Moon, the changes of the Seasons.  I am trying to figure out just how to live a more fulfilling life that most likely will take me away from where I am.   Maybe not physically, but certainly mentally, emotionally, & spiritually.  Strangely,  my relationship with my Mom has been healed.  It came about so organically that I was just drawn in very naturally.  I realized that one day I was no longer angry with her, I forgave her.  I accept her for who she is & somehow on some level I believe she has accepted me for who I am.  She seems to see me differently.  More truthfully.  And she speaks to me on a more truthful level.  I believe this is all a part of my spiritual growth toward my true Calling. 

******************************************

It seems that my writings will now follow my Journey.  The emerging feelings, the Enlightenment.  I have been rereading my journals, my fiction, my stories lately.  I am being lead toward my writing more & more.  So, this year my blog will reflect all that I am experiencing.  I hope ya'll enjoy taking the Journey with me.  It should be an interesting ride.  When you think of me, see me with the Full Moon over my shoulder, the Great Wolf by my side as we Journey toward my next Adventure.

blessed be...