Saturday, February 20, 2010
What shaped you?
I am in the Autumn of my life. I have lived more years than I have left. That is not fatalistic thinking, but the truth. I am 58 yrs old. At best I could have 40 yrs left. Perhaps less. The women in my family live well into their 80's & I have always thought I would see 100 yrs. Every day I learn something new about myself. Sometimes I learn that I am not so different than I was at 16.
I have always been idealistic, a dreamer. Always have lived more in my heart & my Spirit, in my head more than in the World. I never found the World to be a welcoming place. For many years it was a very scary place for me. I felt very ill-equipped to survive. But I found a deep-seated belief within my Spirit. A knowledge that there is truly a purpose to my Life. Why else would I have chosen this particular Journey?
Something that would probably surprise all but those who know me intimately is that I am inherently very shy. I am not comfortable in large gatherings. When I was a corporate wife I was almost paralyzed by fear in the "cocktail party" setting. I think that is probably why I started to drink. It broke through the ice of my shyness & inhibitions.
I floated through my 30's, working, being a mother, a wife. But in my 40's I began to search in earnest for the meaning that was missing inside of me. I needed to get back in touch with my authenticity. First I had to figure out what was really authentic about me. I had played a role in my life since childhood & finding the true authentic fiber of me was not an easy task.
I have very little memory of my childhood so I had very little to draw on that made up "me" from the early years. As a young adult I let others define me. I became whatever & whoever the latest man in my life wanted me to be. It was hard removing that which was false & replacing it with that which was true. Getting clean & sober, working the Steps, meditating, inward searching all allowed me to discard that which had never defined me & replace it with what really defines me. I did, & still do, alot of reading. I found my Spiritualism. I acknowledged my second sight (which has been with me all my life) & began to embrace seeing that which is unseen to most. I began to listen to my inner voice, to Great Spirit. I speak often of being given my Totem, the Great Grey Wolf, but he has been with me since I was 9 or 10. I consciencely acknowledged him in my late 30's & fully embraced his presence in my 40's.
I reflect on the defining moments in my life often, but I think who I am authentically has been shaped by things that are deeply hidden in my past. Things I may never remember. Things that may be best left unremembered except in my DNA, in the deep recesses of my Spirit. Those I believe are what has given me my lack of prejudice, my humility, my compassion, my acceptance, my love for people, my lack of judgement. I am not the person I was once upon a time, but I am the person I was sent to this Life to become, & each day I become more authentic. I hope I have enough years left to learn all that I wanted to accomplish when I set out on this Journey. I hope I have enough years left to become the Enlightened Person I am meant to be.