and the beat goes on...& on...& on

August 26, 1966

                                                                      Big Guy 2011

Me 2011

Each year as the mornings get cooler, the breezes signaling Autumn begin to blow, & August 26th approaches my thoughts turn to the latter months of my 14th year.  That was the day I meet my "forever love" the first boy to kiss me, the first boy that fell in love with me & I with him.  And we have loved each other for 45 yrs now. Almost always from afar.  We are both grown now, both in the latter months of our 59th year.  We have history together, we have history apart from each other, & we have baggage.  We still talk on the phone, we still pick up right where we left off.  What we cannot seem to do is build a life together, a life in the same locale.  Maybe we are not meant to do so in this incarnation.  Maybe it's because we each have a life where we are, & are unwilling to see if we can create a life together somewhere else.  But we love each other & are great friends.  Always will be.

He never thought he would live past 30 - I thought I would live the happily ever after fairy tale.  We got fooled.  But had I lived the fairy tale (and I tried it twice) I would have died young, most likely at my own hand.  Had he died by 30 we would have never gotten the opportunity to reconnect as "grownups", to find out who we grew up to be, to share in the triumphs & tragedies that come with adulthood.  He was by my side when my beloved brother crossed over.  He was my rock in the days, months, & year following Dave's departure.  He took care of me when my body shut me down & all I could do was sleep.  He knew when to leave me alone & when to be by my side.  He made the phone calls I could not.  He cooked when I did not want to eat.  He took care of me.  No one had before or has since taken care of me.  He is the one who has always understood I am not a strong sometimes as the outside world thinks.  It is nice to have someone who knows that.

So, since I believe everything is as it should be with the Universe & that there are no coincidences I know that we have, & are, walking the Paths that are an important part of our Journey.  We are both Seekers, but we seek in different ways on different Paths.  But our Journeys are still deeply entwined, deeply rooted in a 45 yr old love that happened on a cool, crisp Oklahoma morning on a long walk holding hands, sharing kisses, & talking as 14 yr olds do a very long time ago when we were both living different lives & when we thought life would be very different as the years went on.  When we thought life would always be a walk hand in hand with beautiful mornings, sunshine, laughter, & love.  We had no idea how dark the Road would get, how lost we could become, & how hard it would be to find the Road back to the sunny side of the street.  

We walk in the sunshine now albiet on separate Paths.  Both on our Journeys, both Seekers, both still loving the other with that same love that happened on a cool, crisp Oklahoma morning.  We still believe in that dream & I think that is what keeps us coming back.  We each represent something sweet, innocent, & hopeful to the other.  That's what I want to feel with my last breath - the knowledge that someone loved me for many, many years.  Loved me just as I am at any given moment.  Maybe we will have learned enough lessons in this Life that we will find that our Paths will be the same Path in the next incarnation.  Until then, we live our lives, follow our hearts where they may lead us, & no matter who or what is in our lives we are always a part of each other - forever 14 - hand & hand on a cool, crisp Autumn morning in Oklahoma.  Love you Big Guy - then, now, forever!

~~blessed be...