Friday, November 7, 2008

Lost Puppy

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control and at times I'm hard to deal with..but, if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."- Marilyn Monroe


Well said, Marilyn!! The same could be said about me. In fact, I am saying this about myself. But that is not really what's on my mind today. Today I am, as I have been since the weekend, thinking about my weight. I have had weight issues all my life. Thought I was fat when I wasn't, had anorexia twice, ballooned overnight & found out my thyroid is less than functioning. I lost alot of weight after that & maintained many years. Came to grips that I would never be rail-thin again. Didn't own a set of scales for 10 yrs. Well, clothes aren't looking quite right on me, my doc prescribed the wrong thyroid hormone dosage, got that corrected, felt better, began to hate my body, bought a scale. OMG!!!! I am 50 lbs heavier than I thought &, quite frankly, after some research I really need to lose about 100 lbs. OMG!!! I am so depressed!! So, what did I do this week?? Ate all the crap in my kitchen (sweets, etc) to get rid of them because I hate throwing away food. Now I have to get my butt (my big-assed butt) in gear, begin again with yoga, pilates, walking, running, anything to get this blankidee blank weight off. I am so sick of being this size. I used to be one of those women who walked into a room & guys stared. I was a presence. Now I am just old & fat!! I don't mind being older-I relish the white hair (I earned it), I embrace the wisdom that I have now (boy, did I lack wisdom at 20, 30, early 40's). But I just hate the weight. I have to get motivated.

I think the motivation thing is hard right now because while I am not unhappy, I am not happy either. I don't dislike my job, I just don't particularly like it. Life just is right now. I exist. While my Mom & I are speaking again I don't really care if we communicate or not. While I see Sparky every weekend I don't care if we spend time together or not. I just seem to have hit a blah stage. Nothing excites me. My only joy is spending time with my furkids. They make me laugh & give so much love. I have love in my life--my sister-in-love, Butterflies, my son & grands. I can honestly say I don't want a man in my life full time because I don't want to put up with what it takes to make a relationship work. I have never been in a really good relationship so maybe I just don't know what I am missing.

But right now I have to lose this WEIGHT!! HELP!!!

Blessed be...


country girl said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. It's always nice to have a new commenter. Did you see my blog a few days ago with the cartoon about a new way to get on the scale. I thought of you when I read your blog. I too am weight challenged. I try not to beat myself up about it, but it's hard not to.

butterflies said...

HI hon..
First of all you are beautiful and heads do turn when you walk into a room.Your smile is radiant and your voice has the most beautiful tone.You are a wonderful speaker and have a heck of a lot more confidence than I do.
I dont see you as fat!..we have to accept our all that being said....
I have learnt and have now passed on what I think is the easiest way to keep weight under control.Sure you have to exersize,but that is necessary no matter what weight you are..
Next thing..go and buy one of those plates that are divided into sections.They have parts for protein,vegies and carbs.I am convinced that weight control is all about portion control.You cant starve yourself or see food as an you can do is see it as a friend that keeps you alive the healthiest way possible.
You will find that these plates really help..weve got this programme on tv here and all the advisors give out these plates and ppl lose weight,maybe 2-5lb a week.Its a slow process but so is weight you said it sneaks up on you.
I thought I was fat when I came home but when I was weighed,it was the same as 2006!I had felt very fat but still fit the same clothes.
So its all just a matter of how you see this time your not that happy.It will pass and you will come thru the other side,a few lbs lighter and with a new spark (not sparkie;)
Try and find a plate,if you cant let me know and Ill send you one.
Love you always and forever!

JenX67 said...

I will post more soon as I'm heading out. I just want you to know: YOU ARE JUST FINE!!!