Turn around...

For once in my life I was speeding along the Road of Life, enjoying the Ride, & totally loosing sight of not only the Road, but myself.  All of a sudden I came to an abrupt stop at the four-corners.  Like Robert Johnson I had the choice of making a deal with the devil for everything I had ever wanted,  or I could go my own way & learn more about myself, my Journey, & my Destiny.  Trouble was I could only move forward if I took the deal but in order to go my way, get healthier, complete my Destiny, & walk the Path I know I am supposed to be on...I had to TURN AROUND!

This week I choose to turn around.  Go back to therapy.  Admit all the horrors what had happened to me.  Be honest that the relationship I have been in for the last 6-7 years was not working, & was in fact becoming quite toxic.  I had, once again, given someone else control over my life.  It happened so in such a subtle way that I never noticed.  At least not until I was in such a panic anxiety-ridden state that I was almost to the point of completely losing the last essence of me.  I had once again almost given over who I am to another person.  I cannot blame that person for this.  I gave permission to be treated this way because I did not say "no" or "stop" or "I don't want to".  I put aside my hopes, wishes, dreams, likes & dislikes so that another person would not be unhappy.  What it got me was an unhappy me.  A me who was ready to self-destruct.  A me who was ready to blow apart into at least a million pieces.  My head was ready to explode.  I was the closest to a complete breakdown that I think I have ever been.  I got very scared.  Very, very scared.

So, I am back in therapy.  I ended a long-time relationship.  I will be seeing a psychiatrist for an assessment as well as a consultation on medication.  I most likely have PTSD.  I have had several head injuries over the years & abuse throughout my life.  I have had traumatic events, & suffered many losses.  Evidently I have not completely dealt with those things because now I have triggered something awful.  But, I took control of my Life.  I will be back to being me, but it is going to take some time & some deep work.  I almost completely disappeared but I am going to fight my way back.  My Sister-Friends, the Sisters of my Heart & Spirit, have been amazing this week.  Very supportive, but also calling bull-shit on several things.  They have made me see some things very, very clearly.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for loving me enough to do this.

My crazy, off-beat sense of humor is returning.  A sense of peace is returning.  I am less anxious.  I got a lot done today.  I will be back to my blogging.  I am supposed to Journal & this is the format I find most useful for that.  I am doing a daily reading/meditation from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie as well as her "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact".  This is in addition to my daily meditation practice.  I will also be going back to Yoga, I will be returning to my Reiki group (already have in fact). I actually gave Reiki to a co-worker on Friday (felt good).  A serious, regular walking regime is on the horizon.  I already eat good but will be incorporating more raw foods.  I am contemplating going back to vegetarian.

So, I hope there are still some readers there who want to follow me on this Journey.  I will once again be posting on a regular basis.  I am also on Facebook.

Turning around so I can move forward!!

~~blessed be...