Saturday, May 18, 2013

Turn around...

For once in my life I was speeding along the Road of Life, enjoying the Ride, & totally loosing sight of not only the Road, but myself.  All of a sudden I came to an abrupt stop at the four-corners.  Like Robert Johnson I had the choice of making a deal with the devil for everything I had ever wanted,  or I could go my own way & learn more about myself, my Journey, & my Destiny.  Trouble was I could only move forward if I took the deal but in order to go my way, get healthier, complete my Destiny, & walk the Path I know I am supposed to be on...I had to TURN AROUND!

This week I choose to turn around.  Go back to therapy.  Admit all the horrors what had happened to me.  Be honest that the relationship I have been in for the last 6-7 years was not working, & was in fact becoming quite toxic.  I had, once again, given someone else control over my life.  It happened so in such a subtle way that I never noticed.  At least not until I was in such a panic anxiety-ridden state that I was almost to the point of completely losing the last essence of me.  I had once again almost given over who I am to another person.  I cannot blame that person for this.  I gave permission to be treated this way because I did not say "no" or "stop" or "I don't want to".  I put aside my hopes, wishes, dreams, likes & dislikes so that another person would not be unhappy.  What it got me was an unhappy me.  A me who was ready to self-destruct.  A me who was ready to blow apart into at least a million pieces.  My head was ready to explode.  I was the closest to a complete breakdown that I think I have ever been.  I got very scared.  Very, very scared.

So, I am back in therapy.  I ended a long-time relationship.  I will be seeing a psychiatrist for an assessment as well as a consultation on medication.  I most likely have PTSD.  I have had several head injuries over the years & abuse throughout my life.  I have had traumatic events, & suffered many losses.  Evidently I have not completely dealt with those things because now I have triggered something awful.  But, I took control of my Life.  I will be back to being me, but it is going to take some time & some deep work.  I almost completely disappeared but I am going to fight my way back.  My Sister-Friends, the Sisters of my Heart & Spirit, have been amazing this week.  Very supportive, but also calling bull-shit on several things.  They have made me see some things very, very clearly.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for loving me enough to do this.

My crazy, off-beat sense of humor is returning.  A sense of peace is returning.  I am less anxious.  I got a lot done today.  I will be back to my blogging.  I am supposed to Journal & this is the format I find most useful for that.  I am doing a daily reading/meditation from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie as well as her "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact".  This is in addition to my daily meditation practice.  I will also be going back to Yoga, I will be returning to my Reiki group (already have in fact). I actually gave Reiki to a co-worker on Friday (felt good).  A serious, regular walking regime is on the horizon.  I already eat good but will be incorporating more raw foods.  I am contemplating going back to vegetarian.

So, I hope there are still some readers there who want to follow me on this Journey.  I will once again be posting on a regular basis.  I am also on Facebook.

Turning around so I can move forward!!

~~blessed be...


country girl said...

Congratulations on taking back your life. So many people don't even recognize what what they need to do but you did. I'm proud to call you an internet friend. I'll watch for your postings. Good luck on your journey. Sometimes going back is the only way to go. Yoga is so good for the mind and body.

butterflies said...

Good to have you back my sister...things creep up on us and we go with the flow..every now and then we just need someone to say..HALT!! we cant please all the ppl all the time xox