Saturday, May 18, 2013
For once in my life I was speeding along the Road of Life, enjoying the Ride, & totally loosing sight of not only the Road, but myself. All of a sudden I came to an abrupt stop at the four-corners. Like Robert Johnson I had the choice of making a deal with the devil for everything I had ever wanted, or I could go my own way & learn more about myself, my Journey, & my Destiny. Trouble was I could only move forward if I took the deal but in order to go my way, get healthier, complete my Destiny, & walk the Path I know I am supposed to be on...I had to TURN AROUND!
This week I choose to turn around. Go back to therapy. Admit all the horrors what had happened to me. Be honest that the relationship I have been in for the last 6-7 years was not working, & was in fact becoming quite toxic. I had, once again, given someone else control over my life. It happened so in such a subtle way that I never noticed. At least not until I was in such a panic anxiety-ridden state that I was almost to the point of completely losing the last essence of me. I had once again almost given over who I am to another person. I cannot blame that person for this. I gave permission to be treated this way because I did not say "no" or "stop" or "I don't want to". I put aside my hopes, wishes, dreams, likes & dislikes so that another person would not be unhappy. What it got me was an unhappy me. A me who was ready to self-destruct. A me who was ready to blow apart into at least a million pieces. My head was ready to explode. I was the closest to a complete breakdown that I think I have ever been. I got very scared. Very, very scared.
So, I am back in therapy. I ended a long-time relationship. I will be seeing a psychiatrist for an assessment as well as a consultation on medication. I most likely have PTSD. I have had several head injuries over the years & abuse throughout my life. I have had traumatic events, & suffered many losses. Evidently I have not completely dealt with those things because now I have triggered something awful. But, I took control of my Life. I will be back to being me, but it is going to take some time & some deep work. I almost completely disappeared but I am going to fight my way back. My Sister-Friends, the Sisters of my Heart & Spirit, have been amazing this week. Very supportive, but also calling bull-shit on several things. They have made me see some things very, very clearly. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for loving me enough to do this.
My crazy, off-beat sense of humor is returning. A sense of peace is returning. I am less anxious. I got a lot done today. I will be back to my blogging. I am supposed to Journal & this is the format I find most useful for that. I am doing a daily reading/meditation from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie as well as her "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact". This is in addition to my daily meditation practice. I will also be going back to Yoga, I will be returning to my Reiki group (already have in fact). I actually gave Reiki to a co-worker on Friday (felt good). A serious, regular walking regime is on the horizon. I already eat good but will be incorporating more raw foods. I am contemplating going back to vegetarian.
So, I hope there are still some readers there who want to follow me on this Journey. I will once again be posting on a regular basis. I am also on Facebook.
Turning around so I can move forward!!