Thursday, February 26, 2009
It's not Spring yet, but I am seeing signs that a new Season will soon arrive in OK. Trees are beginning to bud & some to flower, daffodills are blooming in many yards, grass is starting to look more green. I like Spring. It offers the promise of new life, rebirth. That which has been dormant will once more spring to life. Much like ourselves when we have been in some sort of holding pattern-mentally, emotionally, professionally, or personally.
I think I have been waiting to exhale, so to speak, for quite some time. My brother had cancer, he got sicker, he was terminal, I took care of him, he died, & I had no idea how to live my life. For a solid year I just existed. Then I started living again very, very slowly. After 4 yrs & 4 months I am still figuring it out.
Then I was engaged to my first love. We got back in touch after so many years. I traveled to Seattle or he traveled to OK every three months. We were planning to start our life together after my brother died. Then when it came down to setting a final date, he balked. Didn't want to move to OK. I just couldn't move to Seattle at that time. He lives off a trust fund (that is running out BTW) & I was worried about the job market. So after much soul searching, I broke off the engagement. When that happened Sparky came back into my life (we have been back together now for 3 yrs-we were together for almost 3 yrs the first time & then apart for 3 yrs). At the end of the year I broke off all communications with the guy in Seattle because the conversations were leaving me in such a negative place-a place I just did not want to be.
I was out of work for 6 weeks this past summer (the company closed due to the recession). I have a good paying job now, but it does not challenge me. In fact I am quite bored. So I continue to look for another job. I know the right one will come along if I am just patient.
I am finally coming back into my own life. I like hanging out with Sparky but I do not want to be married to him. He is a great friend & takes very good care of me. We enjoy spending time together, we grew up together, our parents hung out together when we were kids, we know the same people, we have alot of the same memories of childhood, we went to the same school & knew/know the same people. He discusses his business decisions (he is an electrical contractor) with me. My furbabies love him. OMG!! I just had such an epiphany writing this--Sparky fills the void left by my brother in that we share a history from childhood. I have no other connection to my childhood as my brother was my only sibling. Sparky is an only child so I guess we fill the same void for each other. OMG what an Ah Hah moment.
NOTE: Sulustu, this really ties in with the message you gave me. The Journey in this relationship will become much easier now. I feel very peaceful, suddenly, in this part of my life. I know that the other situations will begin to reveal themselves now, too. The clarity will come in its appropriate time. Thanks!!
I suddenly feel very ready for Spring, for a rebirth & reawakening. I am ready to reconnect completely with myself, my Guides, my Totem, my Purpose. This Season should be enlightening & interesting. I feel ready to emerge from the cocoon in which I have wrapped myself. I am ready to live fully, experiencing Life completely.
"dance as though no one is watching,
love as though you have never been hurt,
sing as though no one is listening,
LIVE AS THOUGH HEAVEN IS ON EARTH"