Reinvention Part 1

Once upon a time there was a smalltown girl in a small OK farming community. Raised by two people who never told their secrets to each other. Consequently, an air of something that was not understandable to children hovered in the house where she grew up. Something that was paltable but never spoken. A silent mother, a father who spent more time away than home, anger always just below the surface & when he was home it was best to be invisible. A little girl who one day went into a shell that hid her away for many years because she was so good at being invisible-a ghost of a person observing life but not really knowing how to participate in living. A good student, well liked by teachers, teased by classmates for being different. Different because she was not allowed to do so much that others were. Different because she had to be "perfect" - an image that was so important to her mother. Different because her interests were very unlike those of her classmates. A couple of good friends, but she never shared all the "real" stuff with them either. Too afraid of being seen as less than perfect, too afraid that who she really was would be ridiculed. So for a very long time she never acknowledged her true authentic self. She worked very hard to be who she was supposed to be. No one really knew her. She was a shape-shifter, not in the true sense, but changing to fit whoever was the center of her life at any given time. But soon, very soon the imagined was going to come face to face with the authentic. And thus began the Journey toward authenticity, truth, self-love, & a true sense of self. She was about to butt up against herself, that Spirit who had come to learn important lessons.

It began in college when she had the courage to not be in favor of the Viet Nam War, but she married a Vet with PTSD who thought she was the person her mother wanted her to be. He somehow missed the emerging hippie chick. Oh he saw the long hair, the jeans, the fatigue jacket, but he did not see her. He saw what he needed to see.

And so when they married, they didn't tell each other their secrets either. They began to live a life together that was colored by his birth family experience & her birth family experience. No one argued, no one complained, no one talked about their dreams, aspirations, or expectations. He started living his life & she gave up her dreams. She became the perfect "Corporate Wife". Two regularly hosted parties each year for his employees. An annual Christmas party for which she made every piece of food on the buffet. Nothing was "store-bought", it was all homemade just like her mother would have done. The house was perfectly decorated. Then there was the annual summer cookout in their backyard. Again, she did all the food. Organized it all by herself. He always got compliments on those parties. They were the "Golden Couple", the "Perfect Couple". They were on their way up the corporate ladder. Unfortunately, the wives were threatened by her. She had an education, worked in the oil/gas business & enjoyed talking business with the husbands. Wrong move. The wives complained to her husband & he told her to fit in. He also told her to quit wearing the jeans & Boots to get togethers.

The one dream she would not give up was to be a Mom. She wanted children. When their son was born after 4 yrs of marriage she found out that while he loved his son, he did not want children--tried to have a vasectomy behind her back. Had to confess this when the doctor needed her permission. That was a crumble in a marriage that had no foundation. He did not want to be a Dad. He wanted to be a playmate, a friend. He wanted to hang with his friends, play tennis all weekend. They did not share the same beliefs. He was an agnostic, she a Believer. To him, she (as a stay at home Mom) became a bore, uninteresting, a drudge. But she loved being a Mom to her beautiful little boy-something at which she really wanted to succeed. Trouble was she didn't know how to be a Mom. But for several years she was very good at it. Her little boy was the love of her life, her reason to stay around. He was the only success she was experiencing.

Then she discovered the girlfriend. Someone who worked for him, someone who went on his business trips. That was the final crumble. The whole thing collasped. She was just too insecure, too unsure of herself to survive that insult. Divorce was better than the betrayal. A betrayal that he said she was imagining. Her family was appalled! His family was appalled! Her friends didn't understand. He didn't understand why she just couldn't forgive & forget.


She was in uncharted territory. She had one serious boyfriend before him & had dated very little in high school. They had dated, became engaged, & married while in college. He was her first & only. Now what was she supposed to do????



..........to be continued...........



Blessed be...

Erin Go Bragh

An Old Irish Prayer

Give us, Lord, a bit o sun

A bit o work and a bit o fun

Give us in all the struggle and sputter

Our daily bread and a bit o butter

Give us health our keep to make

And a bit to spare for other's sake

Give us, too, a bit of song

And a tale and a book to help us along

Give us, Lord, a chance to be Our goodly best, brave, wise and free------

Our goodly best for ourselves and others

Till all men learn to live as brothers

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In honor of my Irish heritage: My Family's Coat of Arms & the Irish spelling of my last name

Arms:

Argent a holly tree eradicated proper, on a chief Azure a lion passant between two trefoils slipt OR.

Crest:

A lion's head erased Azure collared gemelles Or.

Motto:

fortis et egregious [Brave and distinguished].

This coat of arms was officially granted in 1662, but is probably much older than that.

Today my family can be found in almost every county in Ireland but they are still most numerous around Carlow, Kilkenny, Cork and Leix.

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What shall I say about the Irish?

The utterly impractical, never predictable,

Something irascible, quite inexplicable, Irish.

Strange blend of shyness, pride and conceit

And stubborn refusal to bow in defeat.

He's spoiling and ready to argue and fight,

Yet the smile of a child fills his soul with delight.

His eyes are the quickest to well up in tears,

Yet his strength is the strongest to banish your fears.

His faith is as fierce as his devotion is grand

And there's no middle ground on which he will stand.

He's wild and he's gentle, he's good and he's bad,

He's proud and he's humble, he's happy and sad.

He's in love with the ocean, the earth and the skies,

He's enamored with beauty wherever it lies.

He's victor and victim, a star and a clod,

But mostly he's Irish and in love with his God.

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May the luck if the Irish be with you today & everyday. May you find you own "pot of gold" at the end of your personal rainbow. May your life hold more sunshine than rain. And, May love fill your heart alway & forever.

Blessed be...

Paris on Saturday

It was a rainy, overcast Saturday so Sparky & I decided to go to Paris.

No, not in France!! (I WISH)

Paris, TX

Didn't have any real reason, just felt like a road trip. So, I drove over to his house (an hour away) & we took off for Paris. We laughed about going to Paris for the day several times. We had a very nice day. Went to a very high-end furniture store that is going out of business & window shopped. They had some Civil War paintings I really liked, but no one wants to buy my first & only born so I was SOL. LOL! The merchandise was still very expensive even marked way down. But it was fun to look & we saw some very unique pieces. There was an $18,000 side board that I liked. Ah, the plight of a poor Okie girl with a Dom P. appetite.

Ate dinner at Shogun in Paris (Japense hibachi) & along with hibachi we had one of our favorites, sushi. Then we took a different route back to OK. Just took our time & took in the scenery. Stopped at a catfish restaurant for supper that we like just over the dam on the OK side of Lake Texhoma. Good fish- best bone-in catfish I have had in a long time. The fries & hushpuppies were "commercial" but the fish made it all worthwhile. Then it was back on the road to Sparky's place. We watched a little TV then I headed back to my house. It was a very pleasant laid back kinda day. Just nice to cruise in the 'Vette, talk, laugh, & sing along with the radio.

Life is good!!

Blessed be...

Me & my Boys

These are my furbabies:

From left to right

1. Lobo, whose official AKC name is Murray's Outlaw Jesse Lobo. He is named Lobo in honor of my Totem (Outlaw after his Dad & Jesse after his Mom) & I have had him since he was 7 wks old (he is now almost 4 1/2 yrs). He is a Miniature Schnauzer & I got him from a police officer friend who served with my brother. She breeds Mini Schnauzers & I was over at her house shortly after Lobo's litter was born. I fell in love with the puppies & I put a hold on one. When I went to pick up my puppy this other little bundle of joy kept hopping up to get my attention. When I picked him up & held him I looked at Kathy & said "This is the one". Lobo picked me & he was just the right furbaby for me. Lobo is the perpetual puppy (I think he has the Peter Pan syndrome - I'll never grow up), always running & playing. Can find his favorite toy no matter where I put it. It's funny to hear him digging through the toybox. He sleeps curled up against my stomach every night & has since the first night I brought him home.
2. Zane, who is lovingly known as Bubba Zane, Little Man, Zaney Dog, & most recently dubbed by Sparky as Zane the Magnificent because his bandana from the doggy salon was a little large & kept going backward over his back & looked very much like a cape, especially when he was running. Zane is a schnauzer/corgi mix (Schnorgi as I like to say) that I adopted from Fido Knows in Chandler. He will be 5 yrs old next month. I have had him just over 3 yrs. He is my little clown! Zane bounces everywhere & has both a Schnauzer & a Corgi personality. He thinks herding Lobo around the house is the best fun. When I win the lottery I am buying him a herd of miniature goats so he can herd to his little heart's content. He sleeps curled beside me or on my feet each night.
3. Scrappy is also a Miniature Schnauzer. He was officially named Scrappy Doobie by me when I adopted him from Pet Angels in OKC (they had named him Scrappy which fits him perfectly). He was found as a stray & was on death row at the animal shelter when the rescue group was called & told there was a Schnauzer about to be put down. Scrappy has told me that he finds the name "animal shelter" to be a joke as he did not feel very sheltered. He just turned 5 yrs old this month & I have had him 4 yrs. Scrappy saved me from a pitbull attack. He is a very brave little dog, totally devoted to him Mommy. He knows when I am sad, sick, or just down. Scrappy is a snuggler who sleeps on a pillow right beside me. Scrappy has a very old soul - you can see it in his eyes. He never leaves my side when we are home, loves to ride in the car, & is totally fascinated by cows.

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Well, I guess it is easy to tell I am a dog person & totally gaga over the Pupsters. My little boys are a constant joy. They love me unconditionally & are always so glad to see me. Doesn't matter if I am gone 4 hrs or 4 minutes the greeting is always the same. They wiggle all over & just have to give me kisses & get lots of pets. My furbabies have consoled me during moments of great sadness, made me feel better when I was sick, provided wonderful companionship, forced me to get up, get moving when I would have rather wallowed in my mood. The Boys always come first in their needs. I look out for them first, me second. They remind me to have a servant spirit. They are with me right now, hanging out on the bed in the spare room where the computer lives. Sometimes one of them sits on my lap while I type, sometimes they just come over for a quick pat on the head. The Boys keep me active, they keep me laughing, they give me perspective on Life because they live totally in the moment. They are a gift. They are an example of complete trust, love, acceptance, & boundless joy. They remind me to stay in the moment, to be present, to be accepting, to love unconditionally & with great abandon. I can truly be myself, completely real with no fear of rejection. The Boys teach me how to live fully every minute of every day.

Lobo, Scrappy, & Zane -- Mommy loves you!! I wouldn't be me without you three. You have each brought a joy to me that I did not know existed. You have healed my wounded heart just by bringing your own individual personalities into my life. You are separate, but you have completed a circle in my life. You have made me a better human because of who you think I am. I think that is the purpose of each of your Spirits' Journeys. I see the light of your souls shining through your eyes. I hear your voices in my Spirit. In this house, the four-leggeds & the two-legged are one living in harmony.

Blessed be...

ROAD KILL IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR

I heard this phrase last night from Hoda on the Today Show, & I thought how thought provoking. I don't know about anyone else but I certainly have Road Kill in my personal rearview mirror. I got to thinking about my Journey & my trip so far - especially what I see in my rearview mirror. Life is certainly a highway with many twists & turns along the way, roadblocks, detours, good roads, bad roads, near misses, crashes, & unfortunately, road kill.

So last night I drove along my own Life's Highway looking in my rearview mirror every so often. Yep, definately ROAD KILL. Some of it is pieces of myself I have left behind, the evil "twin" that I have finally killed off just like road kill left by the side of the road. Then there are the years where I really wasn't very present, not in my life &, sadly, not in my son's. Oh I was there physically, but I just wasn't THERE (thank Great Spirit that we have put that behind us & moved forward as Mother & Son). A drinking & drugging lifestyle will do that to you. So, more road kill in my rearview mirror. Then there are the failed marriages, some fault mine some fault theirs-no failed relationship is ever all one person's fault no matter what is happening. My second marriage was very abusive, but I stayed...I stayed way too long. I almost died there- spiritually & physically. Then I would have been road kill in Cowboy's rearview mirror. Some of the road kill I saw were missed opportunities.

Yep, the road has been rough at times. Many times I hit what was in the road, but many times I swerved & missed it. I have dodged the bullet so many times-times when I should have died but didn't. I have always known that at those times it was not my time to die that Great Spirit had a plan for me, more work I needed to do, & that my Journey was not yet over.

I have come out the end of a very dark tunnel. The Light is all around me now. I am in touch & more enlightened every day. I am peaceful. I thought the other day that I wake up in the mornings & while I do not have this wild feeling of overwhelming joy (that is a bit manic when you experience it) & energy I do feel peace, contentment, & I am ready to face the day whatever it may bring. Depression is now road kill in my rearview mirror. The road ahead is bright, inviting, exciting, & full of promise of a lovely Journey to a place where I will live in harmony with myself, Great Spirit, & my surroundings. I am truly enjoying the Ride.

Blessed be...