Saturday, March 28, 2009

Reinvention Part 1

Once upon a time there was a smalltown girl in a small OK farming community. Raised by two people who never told their secrets to each other. Consequently, an air of something that was not understandable to children hovered in the house where she grew up. Something that was paltable but never spoken. A silent mother, a father who spent more time away than home, anger always just below the surface & when he was home it was best to be invisible. A little girl who one day went into a shell that hid her away for many years because she was so good at being invisible-a ghost of a person observing life but not really knowing how to participate in living. A good student, well liked by teachers, teased by classmates for being different. Different because she was not allowed to do so much that others were. Different because she had to be "perfect" - an image that was so important to her mother. Different because her interests were very unlike those of her classmates. A couple of good friends, but she never shared all the "real" stuff with them either. Too afraid of being seen as less than perfect, too afraid that who she really was would be ridiculed. So for a very long time she never acknowledged her true authentic self. She worked very hard to be who she was supposed to be. No one really knew her. She was a shape-shifter, not in the true sense, but changing to fit whoever was the center of her life at any given time. But soon, very soon the imagined was going to come face to face with the authentic. And thus began the Journey toward authenticity, truth, self-love, & a true sense of self. She was about to butt up against herself, that Spirit who had come to learn important lessons.

It began in college when she had the courage to not be in favor of the Viet Nam War, but she married a Vet with PTSD who thought she was the person her mother wanted her to be. He somehow missed the emerging hippie chick. Oh he saw the long hair, the jeans, the fatigue jacket, but he did not see her. He saw what he needed to see.

And so when they married, they didn't tell each other their secrets either. They began to live a life together that was colored by his birth family experience & her birth family experience. No one argued, no one complained, no one talked about their dreams, aspirations, or expectations. He started living his life & she gave up her dreams. She became the perfect "Corporate Wife". Two regularly hosted parties each year for his employees. An annual Christmas party for which she made every piece of food on the buffet. Nothing was "store-bought", it was all homemade just like her mother would have done. The house was perfectly decorated. Then there was the annual summer cookout in their backyard. Again, she did all the food. Organized it all by herself. He always got compliments on those parties. They were the "Golden Couple", the "Perfect Couple". They were on their way up the corporate ladder. Unfortunately, the wives were threatened by her. She had an education, worked in the oil/gas business & enjoyed talking business with the husbands. Wrong move. The wives complained to her husband & he told her to fit in. He also told her to quit wearing the jeans & Boots to get togethers.

The one dream she would not give up was to be a Mom. She wanted children. When their son was born after 4 yrs of marriage she found out that while he loved his son, he did not want children--tried to have a vasectomy behind her back. Had to confess this when the doctor needed her permission. That was a crumble in a marriage that had no foundation. He did not want to be a Dad. He wanted to be a playmate, a friend. He wanted to hang with his friends, play tennis all weekend. They did not share the same beliefs. He was an agnostic, she a Believer. To him, she (as a stay at home Mom) became a bore, uninteresting, a drudge. But she loved being a Mom to her beautiful little boy-something at which she really wanted to succeed. Trouble was she didn't know how to be a Mom. But for several years she was very good at it. Her little boy was the love of her life, her reason to stay around. He was the only success she was experiencing.

Then she discovered the girlfriend. Someone who worked for him, someone who went on his business trips. That was the final crumble. The whole thing collasped. She was just too insecure, too unsure of herself to survive that insult. Divorce was better than the betrayal. A betrayal that he said she was imagining. Her family was appalled! His family was appalled! Her friends didn't understand. He didn't understand why she just couldn't forgive & forget.

She was in uncharted territory. She had one serious boyfriend before him & had dated very little in high school. They had dated, became engaged, & married while in college. He was her first & only. Now what was she supposed to do???? be continued...........

Blessed be...


country girl said...

Are you sure you are not writing about my life? ;>)) Looking forward to the next installment.

butterflies said...

He was the only success she was experiencing.

OH I SO understand that.I was nothing and nobody till jake was born.Then I was his mother and had a role,someone to be.

Thanks for being you.
I love you sista:)

Wife, Mom, and Slave said...

Wow! I'm so glad you're finally putting this all down. I'm proud of you and admire you even more. Thank you for sharing so much. I know it is difficult. I too am looking forward to the next installment. This is so well written that it makes my story look dull! LOL Love Ya!!!

jenX67 said...

I completely related to the love of your son and so many other things here. You are a solid writer. This just flowed and captivated me. I guess from the comments, there are bits of us all here. I suspect the divorce took place long b/f there was a legal dissolution. The betrayals chip away bit by bit.

It was fun imagining you being the corporate wife making all those goodies. I would have more in common with the husbands, too, and I would have shown my secret resistance for that label by wearing boots. We are so much more than labels we acquire based on what someone else does or doesn't do. Your peace radiates from this blog.