Random Fact #5

Random Fact #1 -- I was a cocktail waitress in Nevada
Random Fact #2 -- I was married to a professional gambler
Random Fact #3 -- I am multi-racial

Random Fact #4 -- I graduated from college in 3 yrs

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Random Fact #5 -- I am an actress.  Yep, I actually had a supporting role in an independent film shot in Dale, OK . 

Outsiders Productions is an OK film company founded by Adam Hampton & Jason Alexander.  They were film students at ECU & one day I saw an interview with them in the school newspaper.  They were still looking to cast the part of the lead characters step-mother.  Well, I was the right age, I have a drama degree, & at the time I was going through my brother's last year of life in the world.  I needed to find something to do that was just for me.  Something that took my mind off all that was going on in my life at the time.  So, I called them up & auditioned.  I had such a blast working on this project.  They guys delivered the rough cut to me just weeks before Dave died.  He was so excited to see his big sis on film.  So he got to see me act before he left for his next adventure.  After "Looking for Hope"  I did some extra work with a small speaking part for Outsiders in the film "Bowlin Alley" shot in Ada, OK at the local bowling alley.  Very funny film &, again, I had a blast working with these talented young people.  Who knows, maybe they will have another part for me one day.  In the meantime, I have the DVD to leave to my grandkids.  I also did a short film at ECU for one of the film students called "The Widows Club".  It is a very dark comedy.  Again, such fun to do the part.


So, I sometimes think about getting involved again with theater, but I really prefer the film genre.  I enjoy the process of filming, being able to look at the dailies & critique my work before it is finalized.  Will I ever aggresively pursue an acting career?  No, but it is fun to get outside yourself & be someone else once in a while.  I found so much in my own life to draw on for the character of Gretta in "Looking for Hope".  It was a creative outlet to get rid of some baggage.  Plus it was just fun.  We filmed in the rain, cold, heat, inside, outside.  But I loved the process.  I really need to get back in touch with those guys.  See what they have going on.


Oh,  BTW I think this is funny.  When I was traveling to Seattle every three months to spend time with my then fiance (and working on "Looking for Hope" at the time), I flew in one evening with Lobo in tow (he was just 6 months old & my only furkid at the time) & met Big Guy curbside outside of baggage claim.  As we were leaving there was very little traffic (quite unusual for SeaTac) & he commented that there was huge traffic jam getting into the airport so he was surprised that we were just flying out with no problems.  I laughed as I was putting on my shades & said "Dodged the paparazzi once again".



blessed be...

Back In The Day//Random Fact #4

To recap:

1. Random Fact #1 -- I was a cocktail waitress in Nevada
2. Random Fact #2 -- I was married to a professional gambler
3. Random Fact #3 -- I am multi-racial

Random Fact #4

I graduated from college in 3 yrs (actually 3 years 3 months). 

I started to college two weeks after I graduated from High School.  I was so excited to move away from home.  First time I had ever been able to make my own decisions, choose who I would date without asking permission from my father.  The freedom was quite mind-boggling.  But I loved living in the dorm, choosing how my days would progress, making new friends. 

During Summer School, only one dorm was open back in the day.  So it was co-ed with sections for girls & sections for guys.  I went to school back in the day when girls were still locked in after certain hours & you had to sign in & out of the dorm when you left.  I lived in co-ed housing during the Summer & an all girls dorm Fall & Spring semesters. The guys had no such restrictions.  Can you say double standard!!!????!!!  But still it was more freedom than I had ever known in my life.

I advised my parents that so long as a dorm was open & classes offered I would not be coming home.  I didn't go home on weekends, I only went home on breaks & between semesters when the dorms were closed.  I took classes anytime they were offered.  I went regular semesters & what was then called mini-mesters (classes offered between regular semesters).  In doing so, I was a Freshman, a Junior, a Senior.  I completely skipped my Sophomore year because of my credit hours. 

I dated an art student, several Viet Nam vets, & finally my first husband.  We were "dropped"(a pendent with his initials), promised (I got a very small , can you say chip, diamond promise ring one Christmas of which my dad made fun), engaged the following Summer (a 1/4 carat diamond ring he picked out which sadly I never liked. May have foretold the direction of the marriage), & finally married our last year in college & lived in Married Student Housing.  I liked being a wife.  After all, my parents by their own admission had sent me to college to find a husband.  I wanted to go to law school, travel to Europe, but none of that happened. He graduated the following May & I graduated in August.  We both worked at the bookstore on campus plus my Mom continued to pay for my tuition & books.  He was going to school on the GI Bill.  For college students we were very well off.  Our friends ate at our apartment often because I cooked & we had the money to grocery shop for steaks, etc.  It was a good time.  I baked all the time so our friends who worked on the ground crew were always knocking on the door for snacks.  That was one of the best times in my life.

So, I earned my B.A. in Education (major in Drama, minor in English) in 3 years (1970-1973).

Go Tigers!!!!



blessed be...

7 Random Facts - Part 3

 

RANDOM FACT #3

I am multi-racial.  The pictures above honor some of my heritage. 

While I was blond, blue-eyed w/freckles when I was a child I am in fact of the following heritage:

• Cherokee
• Choctaw
• African-American
• Irish
• English
• German
• Southern

My Great-Great-Great Grandfather was a Confederate soldier -The Stars & Bars fly over his grave every Memorial Day.  I have the right to be a member of the Daughters of the Confederacy (I am not nor do I have any plans of joining).  I am decended from Southerns on both sides of my family. 

I am Cherokee, Irish, German (3rd or 4th generation in the US), & English on my Mother's side -Choctaw & Irish on my Dad's.  My African-American ancestors come from my Dad's Choctaw side.  When my brother was first on the APD, he went on a call one night, & he advised the person to whose house he responded to come to the station the next day to file a complaint.   When the person arrived, he was asked which officer had come on the call.  He had failed to remember the name but responded "the black officer".  There were no African-American officers on the force.  My brother looked like a full-blood Indian but he did have strong African-American features also so I guess that dark night that is what the person saw. 

All my life I have lived with people looking at me & making an assumption that I am white.  I have had some very troubling comments made to me &/or in my presence because the person thought it was ok to make a prejudicial statement or use a derogotory epitath in my presence based on that assumption.  I am quick to voice my disgust & have on several occasions asked "What nationality/race do you think I am?"  Then I proceed to tell my heritage.   It is always interesting to see the look on someone's face when I let them know that I am a "....... Indian" , "lazy Irish", ".....German", "Redneck Southerner", or that I have black ancesters. 

I consider myself to be a citizen of the World,  a member of the Human Race, an Indian (with no Indian name).  I have the attitude of a Black Woman, the gift of Second Sight that comes from both my Irish & Native blood, & the gift of compassion that comes from identifying with all of my ancestors.  I was not raised to be prejudiced.  That was the one good thing my parents did in raising me.    But, I also was not raised to be embrace my heritage.  I came to that on my own.  I have embraced all that has gone into making me the person I am today.  I know who I am.  I know why I am who I am.

I am proud to be all of the above.  As my license plate proclaims "G.R.I.T.S."  an acronim for Girl Raised in the South I am proud of the positive things it means to be Southern - grace, hospitality, a sense of community.   I have African-American art in my home, I smudge my house & myself with sage in the Native tradition.  I honor the beliefs of all my ancestors.  I honor Mother Earth, my Totem (who is important in both my Tribes), my gifts of Second Sight, visions, my intuition which comes from both my Irish & Native ancestors.  I think my story-telling ablilites come from both my Irish & Native heritage.  The Irish are wonderful storytellers & Native Americans have always used verbal history before there was a written history. 

I am blessed to have had all the ancestors who came before me.  They live within my Spirit & influence my Journey each day.


I bet you know which Wolf I fed.


blessed be...

Back in the Day - Part 2

Well, here we are dear readers.

To continue along the Casino road of my life.  Random Fact #2

I was once married to a professional gambler.  Yep, Dud #2, aka Cowboy, was a professional card player.   He had made his living that way for years before I met him.  I had sat at the card tables with him many times.  He was a good player.  He knew odds & percentages.  He knew the angles, he calculated his moves.  He didn't take risks.  He was a solid player.  Or so it seemed

Let me say, however, that he had a glitch or two when we were in Mesquite.  He went to Vegas one day to play & proceeded to come home without the Christmas fund.  I could have killed him.  My son had Christmas though.  I saw to that.


Then...The day we moved to Las Vegas, one of his friends/fellow card players from WA won the World Series of Poker.  While Cowboy was happy for his friend he was also very jealous.  Kept saying "I'm a better player, I could win that."   Now, here we were in Vegas - again I was looking for a job & told many times I was not the "Vegas Type", translated to mean no silicone.  Well, DUH!!!   Now, Cowboy was on a mission to prove to everyone he was a better card player than a guy who just won the World Series of Poker.  CRAP!!  As if I didn't have enough going on in my life.  Now he was going to go back to playing cards for a living as he had done for several years before I met him.  CRAP!!!  Just when I had, or so I thought, convinced him that a full-time job was really what he should be doing.  His idea of a full-time job was to go to work in a poker room as a shill.  CRAP!!!  He still had to gamble with his own money to keep the game going.  My idea of a full-time job was dealing blackjack which he had done in Reno years before, tending bar which he could do, working in a hotel or a store.  Selling cars, he had done that years before too.  But, he would have none of my ideas so back to the card rooms he went.  He would have good days.  In fact, he had a real run of good luck for quite sometime.  Then he would have to pawn his diamond rings to get another buyin to a game.  Those rings were in & out of the pawn shop quite a few times over the next few years.  I found a job. he played cards.  When he was winning he was a joy to be around, but when he lost I would have just as soon moved to Alaska & stayed there til his luck returned.  I was told so many times I was bad luck because he did not feel that I was supportive enough of his career.  CAREER!!!!????  What career???  I was working to support 3 people & keep the bills paid. His money went to the card rooms.  Never really knew how much he won/lost. 

During the last year we lived in Vegas he got on a very bad losing streak.  He had lost before but never that badly.  He was all stressed out, had gained 70-80 lbs and was mad, really mad, all the time.  He had been abusive to me over the years (it starts gradually & then escalates.  That's how you get sucked into the pattern) but now he was downright mean.  Verbally, physically, emotionally.  I realized, and my friends started to comment, that I was very very afraid of him.  He was an ex-boxer & much bigger/stronger than me.  I called Gamblers Anonymous for advice.  He stopped gambling all together but then he just sat around the house all day moping & harassing me at work or he would come to the bar & sit there all day watching me.  My life was deteriorating around me rapidly.  He finally, in a moment of weakness, admitted that he had been winning on the tables all along. But as he would leave to come home there was this one particular poker machine that just called his name, then proceeded to eat his lunch.  He just knew he could beat that machine, it became personal.  So the winnings all got pissed away to a mechnical opponent.  At this point, I filed for divorce.  When that happened he called a childhood friend in OR & flew there to try to get his head back on straight.  As abused women will do, I panicked.  How would I survive all alone, just me & the kid, in Vegas??  Looking back I would have done quite well.  After all I was making really good money & living well especially since I no longer had a gambler dragging me down.  Friends offered to babysit for me, I was the manager at the bar by now so I rearranged the schedule so I no longer worked nights.  Then he called.  I had a major panic attack, quit my job, packed up myself & the kid & hit the road to OR.  Drove straight through from Vegas to Portland stopping only for gas & drive thrus. 

And, that dear readers is how I got to Oregon.


blessed be...

Back in the Day--Part 1

My good friend, Barry @ http://www.sulustu.blogspot.com/ tagged me for this meme. Seven Random/Weird Things about yourself. Well, ya'll probably know there are several weird things about me LOL. You guys know alot about me already since I tend to be very honest about myself. So, for several days, I have been thinking what 7 random/weird things would I tell that are new, interesting, etc. Today is Number 1 on the list. I will post them, as Barry did, in installments. Maybe one each day, maybe once a week. Who knows, we'll just see where the muse leads.

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Now, you're probably wondering what the pictures above are all about. A map with Mesquite, NV starred & the shot down what is the main drag in Mesquite. Well, welcome to Random Fact #1.

In 1982, I moved to this small sleepy town on the Nevada/Arizona border. My now ex was offered a job there selling time-shares to an old resort from the 40's that was being refurbished. There were very few places to live & even less places to work. I had always done office work. Well, we spent all our money moving, getting set up in an apartment, etc. His job fell through or so he told me. We were out of money, my parents would not help, he had no family who would help, we were stuck & broke. Really broke. He refused to look for work-he just sat down & had a breakdown-then he began gambling which was how he had made his living for several years. But that is another story for another time. I knew I had to find a job-I had my son to think about. Cowboy (Dud #2) suggested I go down to the Peppermill Casino. Casino???? Me???? What the hell would I do in a CASINO??? The Peppermill was the only place hiring, really the only place to work at the time. So, I applied. Did I go to work in the office?? No, I became a COCKTAIL WAITRESS. Yep, shy, naive, scared little girl from OK became a cocktail waitress. Very short denim skirt with fringe so short it had the tights sewed in. Tight vest & western shirt with cowboy boots. I, for those of you who do not know me personally, have very long legs. In fact if I didn't I would only be 4 foot tall. So, 5'7" is mostly legs, especially when you weigh only 100 lbs. I refused to have any pictures taken of me in that outfit, but I wore it every day for the year it took for save the funds to move into Las Vegas. I had hair down to my waist, lots of make-up, & a drive to feed my son, provide a home.

I hated that job in the beginning. I was just mortified by it. After all, good girls in OK just didn't work in a CASINO for gosh sakes & wear skirts up to here & shirts open down to there. But, after I learned the ropes of cocktailing & began to learn how to tend bar it got to be fun. Plus, I made REALLY good money. A bad day was $100 in tips. I rarely had a bad day. I also started to find my voice, my strength, my ability to survive. I developed a very sarcastic sense of humor, a way with words, I could cut an out of line customer to pieces with a look & a finely phrased insult. My regulars loved me. I found my sense of humor. In the beginning I was funny because I was so green I would say something never realizing the double meaning. People laughed. Sometimes I had to have it explained to me. Usually I was then mortified, but I learned. I became worldly, developed street smarts, & I learned to make ditzy work to my advantage. I can still turn it on & off. I learned I liked interacting with people day in & day out. I learned I was very good at slinging drinks. My memory came in very handy because I would remember what someone drank a year later. I was good at remembering faces & drinks. Not so good with names but that didn't matter. I learned to standup for myself. Stuck my finger in the face of a very large Hell's Angel one day & gave him what for because he whistled to get my attention. Advised him I was not a German Shepard & that he could call me Miss or by my name if he needed to get my attention. He apologized & always came by if he was in the area. Nice guy.

I've been pinched, patted, poked, touched inappropriately & handled it all by myself. Guy knew he had got hold of a she-wolf if he got out of line with me. I did not take that kind of treatment. Oh, I would go home in tears sometimes, but the offender never saw me cry. He always got a piece of my attitude. I never had to use security to handle a drunk. I learned to handle them myself. I gained respect for myself & in turn gained respect from my customers.

I met so many interesting people. Miners, broken-down cowboys (one of them always reminded me of the cowboy in the song "Queen of the Silver Dollar" ), gamblers, bikers, truckers, the down-trodden, the down & out. Sad, lonely people. But I liked them all. I found their stories enlightening, I found my love for people that had been lying dormant in my spirit. I truly cared about them all.

Every Sunday, the polygamist families would come for dinner (that's the noon meal for all ya'll non-Southerners) at the buffet. They also ran the local grocery store. Very polite, never looked right or left as they passed the bar heading for the restaurant. Husband in front, wives single file behind him, kids following their moms. Even in the grocery they would not carry on a conversation. I would have really liked to know them better. I bought my car tag in Colorado City, AZ. Everyone there was also wary of outsiders, understandably so, but they took my money, gave me a car tag, & watched me leave town.

So, after leaving Mesquite & moving to Las Vegas, I continued my career move as a cocktail waitress later becoming a bartender then moving to bar/restaurant management. I liked the bar business, the late hours, the people, the challenges, & the ability to make more money than I had ever made in my life. By today's standards, I still made more money in Vegas than I make now. At one time I would jokingly say "Someday I'll be the World's Oldest Bartender". That was not meant to be.

In that line of work, my shoulder was dislocated when I fell behind the bar & almost ripped the muscle out of my left arm on the handle of a beer cooler & my thumb was dislocated because a drunk who happened to be a lawyer in a suit/tie bent my right thumb back until it touched my wrist. Hurt like hell. A biker pulled him off me. God love my bikers!!

I have broken up more bar fights than I care to remember, hauled guys off each other & threw them out the door, I know how to use the business end of a pool cue when I need to. I have mopped up blood, bandaged wounds, counseled, listened, cajoled, threatened, hugged, & cried with my customers. I never thought anything about jumping out from behind the bar & grabbing a guy throwing punches. I could usually have him out the door before he realized a "girl" was throwing him out. I was brave... or maybe just stupid. But whatever it worked. I never used bouncers in the places I managed. They were just an invitation for someone to take a swing at them. But, I never never tried to break up a fight between women. I always called the cops for that. Women fight dirty. They can be much more dangerous than men. I knew my limitations.

I have heard many stories standing behind the bar. But the one that has haunted me for over 20 yrs was told to me by a regular customer that I had known for years. He & his children had gone up in a private plane with a friend. He was holding his baby son (not yet 2 yrs old) on his lap. The door came open & his son was sucked out of his arms into space. He told me of finding his son's little shoe, then his body, how it felt when he picked the baby up. He told me how guilty he still felt. He cried from sadness, guilt, remorse, memory, & a hurt that will never leave him. I can still see that picture in my mind. I don't think it will ever leave me. I think of that man often. May Great Spirit give him peace & the ability to forgive himself.

I cocktailed/tended bar in Nevada for 7 years. Then I continued the Journey in Oregon, bartending/managing bars & taverns for another 7 years.

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So, my Journey toward today, the person I am meant to be, began in a Casino in the Nevada desert, far from OK, far from all that was familiar, far so very far from who I thought I was & would always be. The road has lead me many places, to many experiences that have shaped me. The Journey will continue with my remaining 6 facts.

blessed be...

09/11/2001

We all have something that stood out, touched us, made us cry, made us sad, made us angry, gave us back our patriotism on that day 8 years ago.


As all Americans did, I watched the horror unfold. I called my brother, a police officer, & told him "I love you" "Be careful". No one knew what would continue to unfold that day. What else might happen.


As the day(s) unfolded the memory that has stayed with me was this:


A NY firefighter went into one of the Towers & did not come out. His brother, a NYPD officer, stood vigil at the point where he entered the building vowing not to move until his brother's body was recovered. He refused food/drink. He stood vigil for his fallen brother. Today that still brings tears to my eyes & an ache in my heart. Standing vigil...


blessed be....

Shaving Cream World

Sometimes a memory from long ago will come to me out of the blue. I know why this one came to mind. I was soaking a very hot tub tonight. Something I have always liked to do when I am tired or have sore muscles. Tonight my shoulders were kinda stiff so I ran a hot bath. Something I have not been able to do for the last two years because my former abode had only a shower. New house has two bathrooms. One has a tub so I soak.


As I was enjoying the bath salts & hot water I remembered the Shaving Cream World. Hadn't thought of that in a very long time. When I was a little girl there were not the very cool tub toys kids have today. The crayons that work with water & what not. Oh we had some boats & duckies but those lose their appeal quickly for a child with a vivid imagination. So one day I discovered the wonders of shaving cream. You could build all kinds of things that floated. For many a night I would take long soaks & build a shaving cream world. Islands, mountains, animals all surrounded me. I loved those moments. Then came the day when I had my world just about the way I wanted it & was enjoying the view. Bathroom door sprung open & the Shaving Cream World was discovered. Evidently my dad had noticed his shaving cream was not lasting as long as it had. Why I was suspected I cannot imagine. But I was discovered, yelled at profusely, & admonished to never touch the shaving cream again. I didn't. I missed the Shaving Cream World. But I still enjoyed a long soak in a hot tub.


Strange, my parents never thought my imagination was cool or funny. Mostly it got me in trouble. I like to think if my son had discovered the Shaving Cream World I would have just laughed & maybe helped him with construction.


Maybe next time I decide to have a long hot soak I will have to take a can with me. I'm sure the Shaving Cream World still awaits. After all, now it's my dime that buys it. ~smiles~


blessed be...

Saving Grace

An angel offers a jaded Oklahoma City police detective the chance to redeem her life.

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"Why you always get so caught up in which road to take, they all lead to the same place." Earl

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I started watching "Saving Grace" accidentally. I was channel surfing when the first episode came on. It caught me because it was set in OKC. Then I got caught up in the characters of Grace & her angel Earl. I identify with Grace. She is me in another part of my life. I lived a lot like her for several years. I wasn't a cop. I liked to make forays on the other side of that line. Nothing serious, but I did like the bad boys, their toys, & the world they inhabited. I guess in many ways it was rebellion, but on a deeper level it was to assure myself that I was alive. In those circles I was always the most educated, the one who came from, or so they thought, a very suit/tie world. The world of "citizens"- those people who follow the rules, have a steady job, are pillars of the community. This is the fantasy I lived in that circle. In that world I was admired. In the beginning I had no street smarts, but I quickly developed them. I have oh let's use the word dated &/or married bikers, outlaws, theives, dealers, one gun runner, & one member of the KKK (that one scared the hell outta me when I discovered this bit of info-I got outta that very quickly & to this day he does not know I know his secret). I have also run with the rich oil crowd. Dated millionaires, ranchers, etc. Older men, younger men, men my age. Let us just say, I ran the roads pretty hard for awhile (all between the ages of 28 & 30 for the most part-a couple were after my 2nd divorce in '94, after '95 I never dated again until 2000).

To what is all this leading, & how does it involve a TV show? Well, lately, I have been thinking alot about my experiences with angels, demons, ghosts, Great Spirit. I keep coming to this through friends' concerns, other bloggers writings, my own experiences/sightings. The audible voice of Thomas, my angel. Since I was a kid, I have seen what others could not. I have been visited by the departed, those who have crossed over to the Other Side. The first one that I truly remember was my Granddaddy who died when I was 16. He came to me the night after he died. The next one was a high school friend who was killed in a car accident. He visisted many times for awhile after he crossed over. Just checking in I guess. The visits were much like we had been in this existence. Just talking.

When I was 34 my Daddy died. He was a very troubled person & we had a very strained relationship. I will write more about this another time, but my father was gay. Not openly so & he made some very bad decisions in his exploration of who he was. Additionally, he did not want to be a parent. No child should ever know that a parent is unhappy in that role. Before I move on just let me say this. I have no problem that I had a gay parent. My problem was with his treatment of his children, & with some other decisions/experiences he made/chose to have that were inappropriate to say the least. I have known many gay/lesbian couples through the years that are wonderful parents-wonderful, healthy, happy, stable, accomplished people. I think if my Daddy had been able to be openly who he was, he too might have been a better person/parent. I am sorry for the lie he lived & for the damage it did to all of us.

My experiences with my Daddy started the morning he died. I had been in OKC to see him (he spent a month in ICU after a massive heart attack), he knew I was there & I was the last person to whom he spoke. Then there were many complications & he was on life-support. I was living in Vegas at the time & had to return home after several days. I had woke up that morning then decided to go back to sleep. I entered what I describe as a trace like state. Somewhere between awake & asleep. A place where you can travel in other dimensions. There I met my Daddy. We walked, talked, cried, said a lot that we needed to say. He told me how proud of me he had always been. We spent hours together in that place between this life & the Other Side. Then I "woke" with a start & I knew he had died. I rushed downstairs to call the hospital. As I placed my hand on the receiver the phone rang. It was my Mom calling to tell me Daddy had died. My first question was "What time?" It was the exact moment that I had woke up. Oh yes, a couple of days before he died I looked over in the passenger seat of my car & there he was. My first words were "You never ride with me" because in all the years I had been driving he had never ridden with me, he always drove. But there he was. After he died, he would visit at least once a year. Usually around the time he had died. The visits got very frightening. One time, in the middle of the night, a cassette tape holder that was bolted to the studs in the wall came flying off & landed in the middle of the living room floor. Loaves of bread would be pitched at me when I was at work alone & my back was turned. After the tape shelf incident I advised him that while he could visit anytime he wanted he could not scare me or my family. After that the visits stopped & have never resumed.

After I left my 2nd husband & was packing to leave Portland, my Nanny appeared in my bedroom door. I assured her I was alright & she left. She has never returned. My brother used to be standing at the end of my street in uniform when I would be out with the dogs late at night. He has spoken to me several times. I saw him at a concert dancing like he always did. I have seen him on his bike, all decked out in his leathers riding free.

Those have all been good experiences. But I have had darker ones, too. Demons have visited me many times. Sometimes they have taken up residence in the house. I was never aware of them until probably 20o0. That is when I started giving my testimony quite often. Telling my story. I think they were always present, but when I was living my other life, they were happy & stayed in the background. Then I began living as I do now. I got clean/sober. I no longer kept the secrets. I talked about it all. I told my truth. Then they appeared. I have always said there was wailing in hell when I straighted up. The devil lost a soul. But it was a soul he had never really had-guess he thought there was a chance so long as I stayed in that life. The war stated for me when all chances were dashed. First it was just little ones. Just small dark shadows. Then they got bigger & bigger. The largest one stood 10-12 ft tall & was huge. I would see them stalking around outside the house. They were always in my room. I would get pushed down when no one was around. Hard shoves that sent me flying. I fought them with all that was at my disposal. Great Spirit, my Totem, smudging the house, the yard, my car. Banishing them in the name of Jesus. They came back when my brother was dying. Tried to get him before it was too late. Didn't succeed at that either. Mom & I fought them w/Great Spirit & won.

Lest you think I have had only bad experiences with the unseen forces that walk beside us in this Life. I have had good ones too. Friendly, bright spirits that come with messages or who just like to inhabit the space. There was a little girl who lived in one house with me. Then she moved to the next house. Also a former resident of the house visited. It was all very nice. They were just hanging out. The little girl even had a message for one of my friends & they talked at great lengths.

Lately, it has just been my Totem the great wolf who is present. He never leaves. He had been staying outside for years, but the last few months has moved into the house. Wolf just hangs out. My furkids see him too. Zane will track him through the house & sometimes sits & stares. Lobo (who is named for my Totem) also runs around with him. Scrappy sees him but is not fazed. Just takes it as routine. Sometimes Wolf just hangs out, sometimes I see him moving through the house, other times he will walk by & brush my arm. It is comforting & I am blessed he stays close.

So, what has all this to do with "Saving Grace" you ask. Well, Grace is at that crossroads. She has to decide which side she is on. She is a good cop, deep down a good person but she has not committed to that which is greater than her. Earl has come to help her with that. So like my Thomas he talks, he counsels, he cajols, he is ever there. He is trying to lead her to that Higher Power that can give her the peace she craves-the answers she needs. It has been an interesting journey so far & I watch each week to see if her path will converge with mine in Enlightenment.

Saving Grace, Amazing Grace - Angels, Spirits, Visitations- Are you open to your moment of Enlightenment? Take the Journey, hear your Angel's voice. It is worth the ride. Great Spirit awaits.

blessed be...

I'm baaaack!!!

Well, it has been awhile. I have been in the new house for a week now. I got all the laundry done this weekend, the spare bedroom is done, my office is done, the bathrooms are done, the living room is liveable, the kitchen was done but now I have more stuff to put away. So, I have a few more boxes to unpack, the kitchen to straighten again, put away the rest of my books (found a neat little bookcase on the curb in the neighborhood this morning & I needed another one-Yippeee!), get the dining room together & I am done. Who would have thought that after 3 times of downsizing I would still have so much STUFF?!?!?! I will post pictures of the house just as soon as I complete the unpacking. It is so nice to have the washer & dryer in the garage not to mention the joy of having an attached garage. Plus no flooded garage when it rains.




Sparky found the problem with the Yardbug (my small riding mower), broken shifter cable. That is why it was stuck in neutral. Good thing, that way we were able to ascertain that after cleaning the carborator, changing the oil, & spark plug as well as putting on a new tire it still runs after sitting for a year. We were able to check it out by finally manually shifting it via the control box into forward & I got to run around the yard a bit. We went online, ordered the part, & after the comment from Sparky, "you're probably not going to change it so might as well ship it to my house" we finalized the order & the part should be on its way to SPARKY this week. I wasn't gonna change it. Why does he think I have him in my life anyway?!?!?!?! LOL



This is the other funny thing. Sparky, in the beginning of our latest adventure together-3+ yrs ago now (9yrs off & on totally)-was not too enamoured with "the boys". Dogs LOVE him BTW. He is just one of those people that dogs think are cool. Mine puppy pounch on him continually & sit on him while we watch TV, trying to sneak in the occasional kiss not to mention hugs. Anywho...he has come to love the pupsters. He talks to them, plays with them, & evidently worries about them. Zane has been somewhat off his food since the move. Plus he has been bullying Scrappy again. We won't talk about the fact the little scum bit me a few weeks ago because I think that was as much my fault as his & he was shocked it happened too. But, I digress. Last night Sparky called & informed me that if Zane did not get back to his usual chowhound persona, I should take him to the vet 'cause he might be sick. I agreed. I just found it so cute that the Sparkman would be looking out for Zane the Magnificant (he named Zane that BTW). I think Zane is his favorite if the truth be known.




Other good news-I went to Sonic for a drink Fri night & when I came home my yard was being mowed. So I, of course, asked if they were at the wrong house. Come to find out, the Chickasaw Nation is mowing it because it is part of their program for their Senior Citizens (my landlord is Chickasaw). He told them to go ahead & continue to mow it. So, every two weeks through Sept. my yard work will be done for FREE. I am a blessed woman!! May not have my CDIB card, but the Nation is taking care of my yard. Maybe they will do so next year also.



The boys have learned to use the doggy door. Only thing is, they think it only works one-way--IN. I have to open the door to let them out. If I leave the doggy door accessable when they are out, they tend to come in then want right back out. Just like kids-in & out, in & out. So, I only open it when it is time for them to come in. They absolutely love the new backyard. It is HUGE! They have a new doggy friend behind us, Umbri, who is just about their size & looks to be a pug mix. Next door is the cutest apricot poodle (we don't know her name yet) but she likes to have fence races, too, so I don't think Lobo will miss Kiki (his former fence racing girlfriend) too much. LOL!


Thanks to the outstanding job done by the young lady I hired to clean the old house, I got my full deposit back. I figured that after paying for the cleaning, the guys who helped with the move, & renting the carpet cleaning machine I actually came out about $200 to the good. Not bad!


Well, guess that about catches everyone up on my adventure in moving (remember when that was U-hauls slogan???). My boss is on vacation this week so I just might get some posting done all week. We shall see.


blessed be...

So said my Mother...

Me & Bubba Bear

( Age 28; Age 4)

Sorry I have been so long away from the blogasphere, but I have been reflecting quite a bit as I have visited each of ya'll whose blogs I read daily. I have been thinking about many things: my life, the Journey, my son, our Journey, my demons (but I don't want to give them any power since they have been banished), my Angel Thomas, my Totem the Wolf, my blessings, my childhood that I mostly cannot remember.

I was talking to Mom the other day (we speak regularly these days), & she was relating something about one of my cousins & her mother. I won't share that story even though my cousin is not a reader of my blog & would probably never see this but I feel her story belongs to her. Suffice to see it opened a very interesting conversation with my own Mom. During the course of this conversation my Mom shared the following:

" You were a beautiful girl, you are still beautiful. And I was always so proud of you. I am so proud of you. Maybe I never said this. No, Mom you never said this to me, I said with my voice breaking & tears welling up. Well, I should have so I am telling you now. Sometimes, as parents, we think that our children know what we are thinking & how we feel. After all we feed, clothe, house you so we think you know that we love you. I should have told you then, but I want you to know you have always been beautiful & I have always been proud of you."

Thanks for telling me, Mom!

***************************************

I waited over 50 yrs to hear these words from my Mom. Hearing them changed me somehow, changed the dynamics between us somewhat. I think how big that change will be is developing. I still have some trust issues with her, but something did break loose in my heart that day. The ice melted a bit, the wall came down a few feet, the rocks started to crumble some. After I hung up the phone I immediately called a friend of over 40 yrs who knows all about the relationship between my Mom & me-has seen it firsthand. I left a long message on voicemail relating the conversation. In the return call he told me that when he heard the message he immediately saw me, age 14 (that's when we met), standing in front of my childhood home. He told me he didn't know why, but that was the image that immediately came to him. I know why, my teenage years were when the pain got so big, so intolerable. When I became so acutely insecure. Him seeing me at that age told me that my teenage self was being healed. That was important.

I have thought about how different the Journey would have been if I had grown up in a home where my parents said I love you, I am proud of you, Good job, Well done & all the other things that affirm a child's value in their world. How I have wished that had been my life! How I had wished that I had been a Daddy's Girl (my Mom told me that she knew how much I had longed for this & wished it could have been-BTW that blew me away also). But, had that been my life would I be who I am today? Would I have grown to where I am spiritually, emotionally, etc today? Would I be as enlightened as I am? Would I be striving to become more so? Would I be me? Ya know, I think the answer is No. Because if I had been raised that way I would not know the importance of those things. I would not know that people need to be authenticated by their family, their Tribe, their peers. I would not know how important it is to validate others. To say I love you to your child & to keep saying it until as Bubba Bear said to me once when he was about 10, yeah yeah I know...you Love me. I would not know how important it is to compliment others, to celebrate accomplishments. I think if I had had all that I desired in my early years, I would be someone else today. Someone who would not be so touchy feely, someone who does not greet everyone with a hug, a kiss. Someone who does not say I love you. I think I am who I am because of what I did not have what I felt I needed. It is that need that has fueled the Journey, that has given me insight, compassion, a loving nature, an outgoing outreaching personality (even though as my dearest longtime friends will tell you I am inherently very shy & ill at ease in large social gatherings). It is that need that has always been the fuel for me to have adventures, explore my roots, explore my gifts, embrace other cultures, banish prejudices, & to live in Harmony with Nature as well as Humanity.

My upbringing was a gift even though I have always looked at it as a curse. Because through what was missing, I found what was most important for me to live a truly free, healthy, enlightened, uplifting, inspired Life. I found out that I could choose my Tribe, my heart-family, & that those people would enrich, inspire, & motivate me. Those are the people who truly see me. Who truly get me. I could not have found any of you without my Journey starting as it did. The road has been rocky. Many times I have wanted to just stop. I have taken some "interesting" detours, but the road has lead to this day, to this time, to this moment of understanding. Life is truly a Journey. Let's see where the road leads!!!

blessed be...

Blast from the Past....

This is what happens when you move, you find things you did not even know you had. Such is the case with these photos. The lower one is my formal wedding portrait that was published in my hometown newspaper when Me Hijo's Dad & I got married. The upper one was just included in my wedding album. I was 20 yrs old, it was 1972. Yep, May 20, 1972 was my wedding date. 37 yrs ago. One year & three months before I graduated from college. That's right I am now 57. Who is that girl??? Was I ever that young??? For the first time, looking at these brought a smile, no bad feelings, no remorse. Just someone I used to know.


blessed be...

Angels, Enlightenment, Revelation, & my Totem..

For several days I have known I wanted to post, but nothing that I was thinking about seemed "right". This morning in checking on the blogs I read regularly I found this:

http://worldofspirit.blogspot.com/2009/06/beauty-of-angels.html



As I was reading it a name popped into my head "Thomas" spoken so audibly in my Spirit. When I was a little girl I had an imaginary friend I called Tom. He was with me all the time. I have always thought he was my Guardian Angel & today I got confirmation. Thomas! It is nice to know that he has a more formal name. That is what I shall call him from here on out. His true, formal, grown-up name--Thomas. I know now that he came to me in a form (although I cannot remember what he looked like, I do remember the essence of his presence) & with a name that I, as a child, would accept. Right now, it feels as if I turn very quickly I could catch sight of him standing behind me. But, alas, I am not fast enough to do that. But, I feel his presence. He is very close, just behind my right shoulder. I know he is here to help me, to guide me, to help me with the answers for which I am looking. It brings tears to my eyes, tears that have been just below the surface for several days now. I don't think they are from sadness or loss, but in recognition of something that I thought I could not touch again. Thomas! Every time I type his name I feel him move closer. He is tall, very tall. He is dark with light all around. His hand is on my shoulder. I want to cry, but I feel such peace. I believe, with Thomas beside me, the next phase of the Journey is about to begin.

blessed be...

---------------------------------------------

NOTE: Thanks Jen for directing me to:

http://naomimunn.blogspot.com/


I loved her post on Totems, & the one I read this morning really spoke to me. To my gift of second sight. It is time to fully emerce myself in meditation, reading, connecting with that which is unseen in my life. I know now why my Totem, my beautiful Wolf, has moved into the house. He wants to be near to guide me along with Thomas toward all that awaits me as the Enlightenment begins anew.

---------------------------

I have also been reading & thinking so much about Parallel Universes & the experience of Quantum Jumping. Many years ago I had this experience. In a semi-trance state I would experience myself in an entirely different life. Different family, etc. I would have a whole, complete life just outside this realm of existence. I found it very comforting to have a sane life that I could go to. I also experience this when the Wolf Pack comes to me in my visions. There is a cabin in the woods in which I live, there is a man who shares that life with me, & there is my beautiful Pack which never leaves my side. We have a life in that world which is peaceful & in perfect harmony with Nature & the two-leggeds. I like that life.


I believe my Wolf Totem & Thomas are coming together to help me live that life, or at least the authentic life I am meant to have on this plain of existence, in this moment. I think that is why the new house has come about (the energy is so good in that home), why I am being lead toward the people who are now in my life, why I am feeling a peaceful restlessness to move forward, & in some ways backward, toward my studies of Spiritualism, my Native heritage, & my gifts. I thank Great Spirit for this opportunity.

Namaste`

Icons-3 Generations

Death:

• The Old---Ed McMahon
• The Sick--Farrah Fawcett
• The Sudden-Michael Jackson

R.I.P

Each of these people left more memories than their Public can ever know. Those are the memories left in the hearts of those who loved them...loved the "real" person that the public will never know. Those are the people who are truly mourning, who have suffered the greatest grief. Their loss knows no boundaries, & long after the fans have moved on these individuals will continue to miss their loved ones. To them: The McMahon Family; The Fawcett-O'Neal Family; The Jackson Family my heart goes out. I know their loss & for that I grieve.

blessed be...

Happy Birthday, Me Hijo

This is the one day, for the last 33 yrs, that I know exactly what I was doing every minute of the day. My son was born in Austin, TX at 10:59 pm on June 24, 1976. He is my heart, the light of my life. He is the one who gave me the courage to live. He is the one that I honor every June 24th. I fell in love with him the moment he was laid in my arms & that has never changed. I made many mistakes as a Mom, but one thing never changed. I love my son with all that I am. Always have, always will.


He is a wonderful man, his trials have been by fire. He is scorched & refined but not bowed. Me Hijo (as I have called him since he was 3 yrs old) is a fine man, a good husband, a devoted father to my 3 wonderful grands. He inspires me to be the best I can be in these remaining days that I Journey through the Adventure that is my Life. I have taken him on some hairy adventures & for that I am sorry. I thank Great Spirit that he survived.


Happy, Happy Birthday Me Hijo!! I love you more than words can ever say. Thank you for letting me be your Mom--it is an honor & a priviledge to know you.

***the song's for you*** Child of Mine by Emmylou Harris

blessed be...

Simply An Inspired Life - Jonathan Lockwood Huie and Mary Anne Radmacher

I just LOVE this site. I get daily inspiring quotes, meditations, etc from them. I hope you enjoy the link. It really spoke to me this morning. blessed be...


Simply An Inspired Life - Jonathan Lockwood Huie and Mary Anne Radmacher

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Father's Day

1957 (Me age 5 1/2 yrs, My brother age 5-6 months, Daddy age 32, & Mama age 24)
click to enlarge picture



Back in the day, we never celebrated Father's Day or Mother's Day at my house. When I went to college I began sending cards to my Daddy for Father's Day. He never cared for any of the gifts I gave him. Except for one that I sent one Father's Day. A leather wallet with his name engraved on it. He carried it til he died (that was many years after I gave it to him). When he opened that present, he immediately took out his old wallet & transferred everything to the new one. It was so nice to, for once, have done the right thing for him & to have given something he appreciated rather than ridiculed. It is a good memory.



Fast forward to 2008. After 20+ years of being a widow my Mother remarried. My step-dad is a Baptist minister (we are not BTW Baptist). He & my Mom had a very long courtship-3 dates. She & my Daddy married after knowing each other for 3 months so she does not believe in long engagements. My only request was that I met her new fella before the wedding. I was happy for her but wanted to check him out first. It was ok. He has always called me "Daughter" & I call him Pops. He is very different than my Daddy. Much more loving, & he likes me.


For Father's Day I gave Pops Oliver a year old Chihuahua. Pops has been wanting one for this whole year. So, when Oliver was offered to me with all accessories I accepted & gave him to Pops. I thought Pops was gonna cry he was so happy. So Oliver has a great home, he is very pampered & even sleeps on the bed with Pops & Mom. He watches TV with Pops & goes everywhere with him. Pops is so happy, Oliver is so happy, & my Mom is so happy because Pops is happy. So, once again, I scored as the Good Daughter in the Father's Day Gift Department.






2009 Pops & Oliver
the sun was in Oliver's eyes so he squinted. He is really adorable.



Happy Father's Day to all!!!


blessed be...

Father's Day Giveaway

Visit my friend JenX for a chance to win Sesame Street Vol 1 1969-1974

www.jenx67.com


Good Luck!!!





blessed be...

Running from my past

I left my hometown as soon as humanly possible, vowing never to return. I tried to get out sooner, but failed. I considered many times running away, but when I was younger I was always afraid so that was out of the question. I was afraid of everything: darkness, yelling, disappointing people, my own imperfections, failure, life, people, heights (this one still freaks me out), & most of all myself. I found an all girls' school in Virginia that I wanted to attend. No money to send me away to school. I wanted to go on the wheat harvest one summer. That was met with a big no-my Mom was absolutely appalled I would even think of this. I learned not to have dreams & if I did certainly not to voice them or any opinion of mine to my parents.


I was a good student but I absolutely hated High School. I always felt like a square peg in a round hole. I just didn't seem to fit in. Depression became by constant companion by Senior Year & lived with me for many years, gone now thankfully. I was super-sensitive to raised voice, teasing, & criticism. There was so much of that from my Dad at home that I just would dissolve in tears whenever it happened. This was true for many years of my life. I would just cry at the drop of a hat.


I was not allowed to go where the other kids went, do what the other kids did, dress like the other girls. I saved my money once & had spied the cutest dress at one of the local dress shops. It was flowered (a sprinkling of multi-colored wild flowers) on a butter yellow background. It was a mini dress that stuck me mid-thigh. It had long sleeves that flared out at the elbows in a bell shape (yes, 40 yrs later I can still see that dress). I bought it & then stopped by my Mom's office to show her what I had bought all on my own. She had me try it on & promptly told me I could not keep it. It was too short (she actually checked to see if there was enough hem to let it down below my knees-there wasn not) & I was not going to wear it. Take it back. I was mortified, but back to the shop it went. I was so angry, so embarrassed, so disappointed. Then, I was not allowed to get my ears pierced. According to my Mom only "trashy women" had pierced ears. Once I got to college I pierced my ears. Later I pierced them several more times & got tattos. Funny thing, many years later my Dad wanted to get my Mom diamond earrings & she had her ears pierced so that she would not lose them. BTW, I now have those earrings-they were the last Christmas present my Dad ever bought my Mom because he died 4 months later.


I, as previously noted, never planned to return to my hometown, never planned to be in touch with anyone I knew from childhood/teenage years. Then I moved back to OK after more than 20 yrs. I have never been to a class reunion. Still have no plans to ever attend one. But I have seen several people with whom I went to school. Worked with a couple of them a few years back. Run into others here& there. Our lives have taken such different roads there was no real connection, just people we used to know when we were all someone else. I am in my hometown at least once a week now because my partner/companion is a hometown boy & his Mom still lives there. I have been able to remember the good times, banish most of the bad memories & replace them with the good ones. I had blocked out so much that I really don't remember lots of things from my growing up years. But, thanks to Sparky & his Mom, I am remembering people, places, events, etc. My brother helped me with this also before he died. Filled in alot of my blanks, because I have large gaps in my memories of childhood. I still don't really have my own memories but I can go "Oh yea, I remember....." when something is related to me.


Visiting with Tim, Barry, & Rhonda last weekend in my hometown really opened up something in me. I actually got on my Facebook account & looked for people from my graduating class. Found some, sent a friend request, two confirmed me as a friend, even got an actual response from one. It was nice. It has opened up my past in a good way. A couple have never responded but that is ok too. The old me would have taken that as a sign that I am not worthy, not valuable. But the authentic, true me understands that we weren't friends before, just people who went to school together & they may not even remember me. There were after all 30 in our graduating class, I think. LOL! I think I am finally free of the demons from High School. Free to not be negatively affected by the memories. Free to see them for what they were - just kid stuff. What really matters is who I am today, how I live my life in this moment, the impact I have on other people, being true to myself, living in authenticity, living in harmony, being joyful, following my Journey, traveling toward enlightenment, being in sync with Great Spirit, Nature, my surroundings, & harming none as I walk through this Adventure.


As I told Barry, when we were discussing what we write in our blogs, I had to live lies for too many years, keep secrets, be someone else-a shadow of myself, & now I am going to be completely honest about who I am, tell the truth, & tell my stories. That is the best I can be....Authentic!


blessed be...

Losing Grandma...

Alzheimer’s disease is a brain disorder named for German physician Alois Alzheimer who first described it in 1906. Scientists have learned a great deal about Alzheimer’s disease in the century since Dr. Alzheimer first drew attention to it. Today we know that Alzheimer’s:

1. Is a progressive and fatal brain disease. As many as 5.3 million Americans are living with Alzheimer’s disease. Alzheimer's destroys brain cells, causing problems with memory, thinking and behavior severe enough to affect work, lifelong hobbies or social life. Alzheimer’s gets worse over time, and it is fatal. Today it is the seventh-leading cause of death in the United States.
2. Is the most common form of dementia, a general term for the loss of memory and other intellectual abilities serious enough to interfere with daily life. Alzheimer’s disease accounts for 50 to 70 percent of dementia cases. Other types of dementia include vascular dementia, mixed dementia, dementia with Lewy bodies and frontotemporal dementia.
3. Has no current cure. But treatments for symptoms, combined with the right services and support, can make life better for the millions of Americans living with Alzheimer’s. There is an accelerating worldwide effort under way to find better ways to treat the disease, delay its onset, or prevent it from developing.

********************************************

My Grandma Groomer was a beautiful, elegant, talented woman. She cooked like a gourmet chef, her house was always spotless, she sewed all her own clothes including suits & they were perfect, her garden was beautiful-she had such a green thumb, always had a grape arbor & how I loved her fresh grape juice & jelly. Growing up she was my ideal. She was the standard to which I held myself for many years. She had the most beautiful singing voice, could play the harmonica, taught us to Charleston, she was a talented sketch artist. Meals at her house were perfectly appointed, always served at just the right temperature. Her desserts were to die for. I was always in awe of Grandma.

Now, I don't mean to say she was perfect 'cause she wasn't. She was judgemental, prejudiced, angry, & very unhappy. I saw all this as I became older. She had a very priviledged start in life. Her grandparents were very well off, aristocrats. Her mother married the hired hand. So life was tough for my Grandma & her siblings. Then her mother died in childbirth. Her grandparents cut themselves off from their daughter's family. Proverty struck my Grandma's family. My Great-Granddaddy farmed all the kids out to relatives. Then the older ones rebeled, went to work, & everyone came home. Grandma had to quit school & stayed home to take care of the baby. She did all the housework, cooking, etc. When she was 16, 17 (I don't really know) she climbed out her bedroom window & eloped with my Grandpa. They were a handsome couple.

They had four children (3 girls, 1 boy-my mother is the 2nd born). My Grandpa could fix anything, very mechanically talented. He built a TV back in the 40's from scratch. I am amazed by that. He was also a bootlegger during Prohibition. Then, after many jobs, he became a cop on the Norman force. I can still see him in his uniform. He & his partner were rear-ended at a traffic light & his back was broken. While he was not paralyzed that ended his career in law enforcement. He had a pension from the City of Norman & the US Navy for his service in World War II. He had four kids at home & volunteered for the Navy. My Grandma was PO'd to say the least. Then when it came time to allocate his monthly allotment while he was overseas, she found out he had never gotten a divorce from the wife before her (is my family messed up or what??!!!). Since they had kids, the allotment came to her. I think my Grandma was Grandpa's third wife & they married young.

After my Grandpa died in the mid-80's, Grandma was lost. They fought horribly & were always angry with each other, but when he died Grandma had no purpose. She had been taking care of people since she was a little girl. She got mugged & chased the muggers down the street of the retirement community. I come from very self-sufficient, strong Southern women. We, overall, take no crap, especially from muggers.

My Grandma was tough. She survived uterine cancer when I was in Jr. High, breast cancer when I was in my mid-20's. She gave me a wonderful gift in that she showed me her scar & after that I was never afraid to face breast cancer because the mastectomy wasn't scary. She had no treatment & was cancer free for many, many years.

My Mom & Aunt started noticing that Grandma was not herself. She baked potatoes once & there were big clumps of dirt on them. That just was not Grandma acceptable. You could, literally, eat off her floor. This woman boiled everything. She could catch a baby's pacifier before it hit the ground, drop it in a pot of boiling water, & give it back to you before you could bat an eye. I saw her do this when one of my cousins was a baby. Awesome!! Then she started leaving the stove on. So, they moved her to a retirement home. She would wander away & head for the hospital where my Grandpa had been treated. Once she was found wandering in a neighborhood in Edmond. The woman was an escape artist. She climbed the wall once. I saw her at that Home for the first time in years. She was very happy to see me. But she would fade in & out. She knew me, called me by name, but she would sometimes tell me "You are so big" & ask my Mom "Where are your little children?" It was sad, but manageble because she knew me & called me by name.

Then we had to move her to a home for alzeheimer patients. She became almost completely non-verbal, but she still knew me. She would always smile when I walked in & called "Grandma". She would pat me & say "Pretty". She would communicate her likes & dislikes. She still tried to escape even though she was in "lock down". I got pinched by older men alot at that place.

After a couple of years we moved her to the Oklahoma Christian Home in Edmond nearer my Aunt who visited everyday. After I moved back to OK my Mom & I would go every weekend to spend most of the day with Grandma, feed her, change her, & all the other things she needed. She had breast cancer again. It had come back in her other breast before she was diagnosed with alzheimers. She had opted for no treatment at all & we honored that wish. She was in pain alot, but had a morphine patch. I kept up with that because once it was missing & a few times it did not get changed on schedule. I am a hard taskmaster when it comes to my loved ones' care.

Through all of this, the moves, etc. Grandma knew me everytime I visited. We had some good times. I got her headphones so she could listen to hymns, I got her red sunglasses so she could sit in the garden. Then that awful day came when I walked in , called "Grandma" when I saw her & she turned to me with a blank stare. No recognition at all. I was broken-hearted. But, funny thing was that even though she had no idea who I was, she liked me. She would always smile at me. She would sometimes still pat my hand or touch a particular garment I was wearing. She always seemed to like it when I wore overalls. She did not like me to wear them when she was my Grandma, but when she became the other Grandma she loved them. Go figure.

Grandma lived this way for a couple of years. Then one day she choked on a piece of scrambled egg, an aide was feeding her because my Aunt was late that morning. It was no one's fault. It was just Grandma's time to move to the Other Side. She lived for several weeks, but just slowly faded away. My first grandchild, my grandson Little Wolf, was born four days after she died.

"For everything that is lost, something is gained"

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I love you, Grandma. You taught me so much. Think I'll catch you later...on the Other Side!

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blessed be...

My Tribe just got bigger...

Saturday, June 6, 2009 heralded the arrival of new friends. New from the standpoint we had never met in person before. Old friends because we know each other through our blogs. How we all "found" each other is amazing. Tim found me through one of my friend's blogs based on a comment I left. Then I found Tim. Through Tim & JenX (another OK blogger that wasn't able to meet with everyone until Sunday-sadly I could not be there), whom I found through Tim I found Barry. Then Barry found me. Or at least this is how we all think it happened. Notheless, we all had an amazing connection. So for many months now we have been blogging back & forth, leaving comments for each other. Then, happiness of all happiness, I found out that Barry & Rhonda were coming to OKC for Red Earth. They had been invited by Tim for the visit. So, after e-mails back & forth with Tim we decided to meet at my old stomping grounds, The Chickasaw National Recreation Area in Sulphur (I was born & raised in Sulphur). We met at the Nature Center on Saturday afternoon. As I have shared with Barry, it was, for me, like going home. When I hugged each of them I knew, just knew, we were connected on some higher level. It was like we had been apart for awhile & were now back together. We had the most comfortable conversations. We walked, wadded, drove around, took pictures, & just shared our lives. I think we sat for three hours eating & talking. Good thing we were in a convenience store/bar-b-que place or we just might have closed the place down. LOL


As is tradition with me, they each now possess a wolf totem. My Tribe is the family of my heart/my Spirit, connected through the ages. Destiny allowed us to find each other, destiny brought us together. There is a purpose to our connection. Do I know what it is or why it is? No. But I do believe we made this decision to find each other while our Spirits were dwelling on the Other Side. Somehow, somewhere, sometime we would again connect to fulfull promises made a very long time ago. The time is right. The time is Now. We are, once again, together. Connected through the ages by lessons we decided to come here to learn, promises we made in our Spirit form. Where will the Journey lead us? Only Time & Great Spirit can tell us. All I know right now is that I am a very blessed woman.




blessed be...



















Tim, Me, & Barry

http://adventuresoftimtim.blogspot.com/

Barry & Rhonda -- Spokane, WA
http://sulustu.blogspot.com/