Happy Dance...

Yep, I am doing the Happy Dance this week!!  Me & my Tribe.  After a lifetime of dealing with depression which was recently diagnosed as Severe Depressive Disorder in addition to PTSD, I finally have answers & a solution.  Since I was 18 yrs old I have had bouts of depression.  I also tried to commit suicide three times over the years.  The last time was in my mid-30's. During my early years of adulthood my depression sometimes was the controlling factor of my life leaving me barely able to function & sometimes it was just under the surface waiting to reappear.   I thought I was "managing", I thought this was just how everyone felt.  I wasn't really happy, but I wasn't really unhappy.  But I would have moments of extreme joy, & moments of extreme sadness.  During all these years I tried to find ways to feel better, find someone who would make me feel better.  I turned to drugs & alcohol for many years.  I always functioned in my life in so much as I went to work every day, I was a good employee, & I was a very hard worker.  That was as far as "normal" went in my life.  Then would come the day where I would begin to sabotage my job...or so I thought.  I now know that most likely the one who did the destructive stuff was another personality.  The evil twin I have always called Delores.

I have been blessed the past few months (after such a bad depressive issue) to have a wonderful therapist who sent me to an equally wonderful psychiatrist who began with a full assessment & got me started on meds.  My Shrink put me on an antidepressant & a medical food called Deplin (Classified as a “medical food” rather than a drug, Deplin is essentially folate that has already been converted to L-methylfolate, so it can automatically be used to create serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine in the brain).  

 After doing well on these she took a sample of my saliva & had genetic testing done.  The results show that I am missing two genes that convert folic acid into L-methylfolate.  Additionally, my brain does not produce dopamine, also due to the missing genes.  I also cannot take SSRIs because of the missing genes  ( Fluoxetine (Sarafem), Paroxetine (Paxil), Sertraline (Zoloft), Citalopram (Celexa),Escitalopram (Lexapro),

 Dapoxetine, Zimelidine, Mesembrine, Seproxetine).  

In the past, doctors have prescribed SSRIs so we now know why the drugs never helped me.  Now I am on Effexor ER 75 mg that contains dopamine.  Additionally, the variations in my genes leave me at a higher risk for bipolar disorder & schizophrenia.  She believes I have also suffered from Border Line Personality Disorder in the past but has assured me that I no longer have this.  There are many drugs I cannot take such as oxycontin & oxycodone.  I cannot have grapefruit or grapefruit juice.  There is a whole list of can't have which I will need to share with other doctors.  All the can't list inhibits the metabolism of the antidepressant.   Additionally, I metabolize the antidepressant slower than other people (the gene thing again) so that means I do well on low doses because they stay in my system longer.   Again a problem in the past because I was always on a very high dose so I felt like a zombie all the time & would stop taking the meds because I felt so flat.

I will be on the Effexor ER 75 mg & the Deplin 15mg the rest of my life.  That is ok by me.  Every day I feel better.  This week has been particularly good.  I think I feel the way the so called normal people feel.  My brain no longer feels like it is swelling in my skull trying to break out.  I am truly joyful!  I just plain feel good.  I wake up feeling good, I have wonderful days, I feel good when I go to bed at night.  I sleep all night.  My appetite is under control.  I no longer binge.  I am walking 30 minutes every day.  I am doing yoga once a week for an hour.  I meditate & I practice Reiki.  And, as you can see, I am writing again.  Today my therapist released me & told me to just check in with her either by phone or an appointment every few weeks.  I see my Shrink again in September for a med check.   For the first time in my life I feel so hopeful.  

While I am well aware that we are all responsible for the choices we make in life & for our actions, I also know now that there was a reason for so much of my behavior, my bad relationships,  my disengaging, my rages, my manic moments, & my deep-seated depression.  I truly could not help it.  WOW!!   This week I expressed my first true emotion, said what I had to say, & then I was over it.  JUST LIKE THAT.  No more obsessing, no more compulsion to rehash & rehash.  No more noisy chat going on in my head. WOW!!

I know many of you who have known me for years will be surprised by all of this, but you see I am very good at covering (I learned this very early in life).  Very good at blending in & trying to just be.   When I could not do that I would disengage & go deep within myself while staying away from everyone.  My wonderful Boys (Lobo, Scrappy, & Zane) have been  life-savers during the really bad times.  Scrappy is my Emotional Support Animal (he has a vest & can go everywhere) & travels with me.  I come home almost every day at lunch to spend time with The Boys.  Scrappy has helped me keep the anxiety & panic attacks during PTSD episodes under control.  Most of the time our breathing is in sync.  He sleeps on the pillow next to me each night with Lobo beside me & Zane at my feet.  

In case you are wondering, the PTSD was caused by an abusive ex-husband's treatment of me.  I can get triggered by a word, a look, or a raised voice.  Sometimes I don't even know what triggers me.  But it is getting better.  My therapist did EMDR for the PTSD & it has worked wonders in closing negative channels & opening positive ones.  Reiki also has been such a blessing for this.  

S0, my brain is healing with meds.  My Spirit is healing with Reiki & with the EMDR.  My emotions are healing because I now have answers.   I am becoming the woman the Universe has always intended.  I am peaceful, joyful, & truly blessed by my friends who have walked the road with me on this part of my Journey.  For those of you who have been there for me to call, text, or visit...THANK YOU!!  Your acceptance & unconditional love means the world to me.  

So, dear ones, that is what has been going on with me these last few months.  Intense work to heal.  I believe I will be writing more about this part of my Journey.  But I believe the Journey is going to be so much more now that I am no longer wondering what is wrong with me.  My Gifts are becoming very acute.  New ones are appearing.  The Road looks bright & I am oh so ready!!

~~blessed be...

.

It has been a week...

It has been a week here in Oklahoma as everyone knows.  Sunday, May 19th a tornado hit Shawnee - 2 died - & Monday, May 20th an EF 5 hit Moore - 24 died.  We knew from weather reports that a bad storm was headed out of Newcastle (which also was hit by a tornado) toward Moore.  The news helicopters were up & the storm chasers were out, & we watched the whole thing on TV at my office.  You could see the storm gathering energy, you could see the flashes as it hit power lines.  You could see the debris flying as it continued to grow and gain power.  Then it hit Moore.  No we did not see it actually hit the schools and houses but as it moved on & was being tracked again by the storm chasers we saw the devastation just moments after.  Then we watched the tornado, still on the ground, keep moving until we saw it begin to weaken, then rope up & disappear back into the clouds.   Tornadoes are frightening, devastating, but they are a thing of beauty that carry the wrath of Nature, of elements banging against each other with perfect timing of pressure, temperature, & unknown power.

I was born & raised in Oklahoma.  I was taught to "watch the clouds" at a very young age.  I still watch. I can read the weather (my son always found that funny because I did it all the years we did not live in Oklahoma - when we lived places that had never seen a tornado, but still I watched).  I can tell you if a cold front is approaching or if a wall cloud is forming.  I can tell you how bad winter is going to be by looking at the coats the animals are growing.  I can tell if it is going to snow or rain by smell.  I have outrun storms & tornadoes all my life.  We never went to the cellar when I was a kid & to this day I do not go.  I know logically that in a storm with the capability of being an EF 4 or EF 5 that underground is the best place to be, but I just cannot do it.   I think it has something to do with my panic/anxiety attacks.  I strongly dislike tight enclosed places.  But I do hunker down with my fur-babies in an inside closet with pillows when the sirens go off, & I am always poised to cover them with my body.  The Boys watch out for me & I am responsible for them.  Zane is affectionately called Zane the Weather Dog because he can sense a storm before it gets close.  Several years ago I knew there was a bad one coming because of Zane's behavior.  He was right.  So, if he isn't freaked out, I see no reason for me to be worried.

 I was raised by men who read tracks, could tell you whether a car had been in your driveway that day or the day before.  I am intuitive & superstitious (I am Irish & Native American so I got a double dose of both).  I get a feel for people by shaking hands, and sometimes I don't want to shake because the energy is so bad coming off that person.   I can tell if someone has been in my house just by walking inside.  I feel the energy they leave behind.  This has only happened a couple of times in my life but I have been right each time.

So, it has been a tragic, sorrowful week in Oklahoma.  But weeks like this certainly put things into perspective.  While there is a lot going on for me personally, none of it is tragic or sorrowful.  I'm not loosing my life or home or car or loved ones.  I have lost loved ones...I know that pain.   Material things can be replaced, homes rebuilt, cars replaced.  Lives lost leave a hole that cannot be filled.

Life is precious, fleeting.  It is meant to be lived fully in the Now, fully present.  This moment may be all you have.  Don't waste it thinking about tomorrow or yesterday.  You cannot change either of them.  One is gone, the other may never arrive.  And, one day, for each of us tomorrow will not arrive.  So, LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH!!  Do those things you said you would do "one day"...today is the day.  Wear that "Special" outfit...what is more special than today?!?!?  Use that expensive perfume.  Wear your nice jewelry.  Use the "good" dishes every day.  Don't wait for anything "until".  Until the kids are grown, until we retire, until the house is paid off, until the car is paid, until ... until...until!

Tragedy changes a person.  Who you were five minutes before is not who you are when you emerge from the ruins.  The person who emerged is who you will be, in some way, forever.  You will never recover fully but you will go on, you will move forward, you will live.  The essence of your Spirit is changed.  How you live with the change is up to you.  It can harden you, destroy you, or it can lift you up to a higher purpose.   But forever it will define you.  You will always remember where you were that day & who was with you.  There will always be a certain look deep in your eyes that will never completely fade away.   I know those days that are forever etched in your heart.  Those days that can be brought back in an instant.  Those days that transport you back in time to "that place."

While I cannot compare my days to the days of this week, I have been transported back in time to places I thought I had long ago left behind.  Somehow I am back there right now.  I was there before the storms hit because my own private storm had already hit.  But I am soldiering on, moving forward, doing what I need to in order to put those places & events behind me once & for all.  Or at least get a better handle on dealing with them when the past rears its ugly head.

I am strong.  I do know that about myself because I have survived.  I am capable.  I know this because I continue to get up every day & do what must be done.  I have thrived these almost 20 yrs.  In many ways, I am better than I have ever been.  So, this is simply a bump in the road...a part of the Shift that is occurring & that many people I know are feeling.  There are big changes coming.  Big changes...

~~blessed be...

Choices -

I used to define myself by several things:

• Who my people were (this is Southern thing)
• My education
• My job
• Everything that happened to me (Hi , I'm Donis.  I am a__________(fill in the blank with any of several things that applied depending on the venue where I was)
• Who I dated/was married to
• Who I birthed

Well, I came to the conclusion that those were all true & the majority were unhealthy for me.  My people are my people but they are not me (I was, am, & will continue to be a very different person from any of my relations).  I am blessed to be smart (it's genes & hard-work) & while, yes, I graduated from college in 3 yrs with a B.A. degree it is not all that I am or who I am in my Spirit.  I have a very good job that I love, but it is not my real life.  In the past I have always had very good, well-paying jobs, but those were what I did not who I was even though I used the labels of those jobs to define me to others so they would think I was worthy. My addictions & tragedies are the result of choices I made as I journeyed along.  Again, not who I am even though they did shape an outcome.  For many years (through 2 marriages & a few serious relationships) I allowed myself to be defined by the men I was with.  For some reason (again I think it is a generational/cultural (Southern thing)) I defined who I was & my worth by men that I acquired.  I acquired a few & I was very good at being a chameleon in each one.  I use the word acquired because that is what I did.  I saw them, I wanted them, & I got them.  I am a good judge of people.  I knew how to make them think they wanted me because I, in most cases, instinctively knew who they wanted & that was who I became. So I acquired them. I was who THEY thought I was.  Maybe it was easier or maybe I just thought they wanted a better person than I thought I was.  I am an actress & that comes in very handy in relationships because I just played a part.  The guys I was with were the directors & I played the roles they gave me.  There were a lot of roles & I changed my looks & personality to mirror each one.  Then I am a Mom - that is an identity I will not explain, give up, or wish away.  I chose to be a Mom.  I planned to be a Mom.  I made sure I was a Mom.  I fought to be a Mom.  I was not always a very good Mom.  In fact, I failed miserably sometimes.  Most of those times were because of the other roles I was playing.  But I make no excuses for my mistakes.  I made them. They are mine to own.  But as Maya Angelou says "We do the best we can, & when we know better we do better".  

Each of these personalities I put on eventually became too much to handle.  After all even TV shows finally come to an end - they cannot just run on & on forever except in reruns (and believe me I have been in reruns many years).  As Me, the true authentic Me, started to fight to come out & began to show up I heard "You've changed" "This isn't you".  Well, no I really didn't change I was just hidden & yes, this is me.  When you have played a long-running part people don't want to see the real you.  They don't know the real you.  So, I would just pack up & run.  Running has always been easy for me.  I am comfortable in "Fight or Flight" mode.  I hate confrontation & arguing (even thought I have done it quite a bit in the past).  Running is easier because it requires no explanation.  One minute you are there & the next you are gone.  

No more will I run, literally or figuratively.  No more will I play a role.  No more will I choose to be someone I am not.  I will be authentic, I will be true to me.  I have slipped into old patterns because they are comfortable & because I do not have to admit to my illness if I am someone else.  I sometimes joke that I was raised by crazy people & it is a wonder I am as sane as I am.  Well, I am not all that sane sometimes.  Too many head injuries, traumas, & tragedies I think.  But I am going to be sane. I am going to put it all to rest this time.  I am going to take meds if I need.  I am going to be healthy not just in body but in Spirit, Mind, & Emotions.  Fasten your seatbelts, I think it is gonna be a bumpy ride.

~~blessed be...

Turn around...

For once in my life I was speeding along the Road of Life, enjoying the Ride, & totally loosing sight of not only the Road, but myself.  All of a sudden I came to an abrupt stop at the four-corners.  Like Robert Johnson I had the choice of making a deal with the devil for everything I had ever wanted,  or I could go my own way & learn more about myself, my Journey, & my Destiny.  Trouble was I could only move forward if I took the deal but in order to go my way, get healthier, complete my Destiny, & walk the Path I know I am supposed to be on...I had to TURN AROUND!

This week I choose to turn around.  Go back to therapy.  Admit all the horrors what had happened to me.  Be honest that the relationship I have been in for the last 6-7 years was not working, & was in fact becoming quite toxic.  I had, once again, given someone else control over my life.  It happened so in such a subtle way that I never noticed.  At least not until I was in such a panic anxiety-ridden state that I was almost to the point of completely losing the last essence of me.  I had once again almost given over who I am to another person.  I cannot blame that person for this.  I gave permission to be treated this way because I did not say "no" or "stop" or "I don't want to".  I put aside my hopes, wishes, dreams, likes & dislikes so that another person would not be unhappy.  What it got me was an unhappy me.  A me who was ready to self-destruct.  A me who was ready to blow apart into at least a million pieces.  My head was ready to explode.  I was the closest to a complete breakdown that I think I have ever been.  I got very scared.  Very, very scared.

So, I am back in therapy.  I ended a long-time relationship.  I will be seeing a psychiatrist for an assessment as well as a consultation on medication.  I most likely have PTSD.  I have had several head injuries over the years & abuse throughout my life.  I have had traumatic events, & suffered many losses.  Evidently I have not completely dealt with those things because now I have triggered something awful.  But, I took control of my Life.  I will be back to being me, but it is going to take some time & some deep work.  I almost completely disappeared but I am going to fight my way back.  My Sister-Friends, the Sisters of my Heart & Spirit, have been amazing this week.  Very supportive, but also calling bull-shit on several things.  They have made me see some things very, very clearly.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for loving me enough to do this.

My crazy, off-beat sense of humor is returning.  A sense of peace is returning.  I am less anxious.  I got a lot done today.  I will be back to my blogging.  I am supposed to Journal & this is the format I find most useful for that.  I am doing a daily reading/meditation from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie as well as her "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact".  This is in addition to my daily meditation practice.  I will also be going back to Yoga, I will be returning to my Reiki group (already have in fact). I actually gave Reiki to a co-worker on Friday (felt good).  A serious, regular walking regime is on the horizon.  I already eat good but will be incorporating more raw foods.  I am contemplating going back to vegetarian.

So, I hope there are still some readers there who want to follow me on this Journey.  I will once again be posting on a regular basis.  I am also on Facebook.

Turning around so I can move forward!!

~~blessed be...

The Book of Life...

Read something on one of the pages I follow on Facebook today -- Life is a series of short-stories masquerading as a novel.

How true that is to me.  I have always looked back over my Journey thinking of it as chapters in my novel of life, but now I see that each chapter of Me can actually stand alone.  Each part of my Life, while leading me ultimately to this place & time, actually is a complete story that stands alone.  Each part of my life could have become the Here & Now of me.  Each part has a beginning, a middle, & an ending.  Then the next story starts anew. 

I have been thinking so much lately of writing a book, factional writing (fiction based on facts changing names & places perhaps while delving into the lessons that came at each juncture & what I brought to meld into the Me I am today based on what I learned).  I have a title, but now rather than a several hundred page book that ties each chapter together I am thinking of a series of short stories that carry a theme.  Each story would stand alone, but would also contribute to the final story.  It would be a complete book of stories.  Stories that chronicle my Journey, the discovery of my Path, the ups & downs I have gone through to reach the Enlightenment I have today.  I may have more Enlightenment later but for today I am content in the knowledge that I have come far from where I was to where I am.

It has always amazed me that in looking back on my past lives (not reincarnations but all the lives I have lived in this incarnation) how I sometimes do not recognize ME in those lives because that me is so far removed from the Here & Now Me.  Most times it is like I am telling someone else's story. Sometimes the past me is very foreign to the present me.  Maybe everyone feels that way & maybe not, but I know that is how I feel.  

I think of all the points, crossroads if you will, where I made a conscious decision to become someone else - to explore a different facit of myself.   Each time this happened I know it was the Universe leading my Spirit to fulfill my true destiny, to find my authentic self that I had journeyed here to become.  Sometimes I had to leave people behind in order to walk that part of my Path, because it was not their Path.   Sometimes I have made a u-turn & gone back to the story because I thought I could change the ending.  This has only brought pain to me & to others & has not changed the outcome of that particular story, but has only prolonged the ending.  Peace has been found in journeying on the Path that has been set before me - walking unquestioningly into the unknown because that is where I am being lead. 

So, I think I will go through all my writings - Journals, old blogs, this blog, notes scratched here & there to find all that I want to include.  I think it is time to begin editing my writings, to begin putting them in some sort of order, & to begin to tie all the short stories into a work that I hope will be found useful by others.  I may still write here & I may not - that is yet to be seen.  But be assured that at some point you will see my writings again.   For now, dear readers, I leave you with this...

“May your days be many and your troubles be few.

May all God's blessings descend upon you.

May peace be within you.

May your heart be strong.

May you find what you're seeking wherever you roam.”

Irish Blessing

~~blessed be...

The View...

"Remember that the windshield is bigger than the rear-view mirror, because where you're

 going is more important than where you've been"...from Lori 

at www.facebook.com/pages/Hippie-Peace-Freaks

*********************************************************************


When you fully grasp this Life Lesson the Journey becomes so much easier & so much more enjoyable.  Where you've been was a lesson learned & to revisit the past, to let those from the negative part of your past rent space in your head or impact your life now just causes unnecessary pain, & the past cannot be resolved for it is done.  Look only to today for it is in the Present you will find your Authenticity based on the Lessons you have learned on the Road we call Life.  

There is a lot of "stuff" in my rear-view mirror.  There are ghosts, lost loves, forgotten friends, curves, bumps, road blocks, detours, & miles of good road.  There are many towns in my rear-view mirror.  Some I used to think I should have avoided, taken the loop around rather than driving straight through the middle of town.  But, I have always been one to live the Adventure, to see the sights, to experience the "new".  So there haven't been many times I took the loop.  When I look back at my Journey it is only to more fully understand a Lesson, to thank the Universe for the experiences that have shaped the woman I am today.   I am thankful for everyone who walked my Path with me however long or short the time was that they joined me.  I have experienced great friendships that were only meant for a Season.  There are women who helped shape the Path I am walking today - women who gave good counsel, offered a shoulder for tears, gave insight that I was not always ready to acknowledge.  In hindsight they were all guides in this Life, guided to me by the Universe with their words always offered in love but speaking truths that were so profound in my Journey.  I have often wondered if those women realized the impact that would result from their presence in my life at a time when I was running on empty.  They filled my heart, spoke deep within my Spirit, & filled me with the ability to recognize my value & filled me with self-love.

I can remember an evening in Portland OR in 1993, sitting with two women friends discussing all that is Spiritual.  Delving into our deepest emotions & hurts.  That night changed my life & allowed me to be open to the changes that were occurring within me.  Allowed me to see so clearly a decision that I knew I had to make in order to survive - physically, psychologically, emotionally, & Spiritually.  Chains fell away that night.  I found courage to say "Enough".  Funny, how some experiences are so deeply embedded in your DNA.  I can see the city lights out the bank of windows that lead to the deck overlooking lush green trees, I can smell the candles that burned that night, I can hear the soft music in the background, I can see the three of us sitting on chairs, cushions, a couch. I can hear the murmur of our voices.  I can feel the wine glass in my hand.  I can feel the love that was in that room that evening.   It was a magical evening & I have carried the magic with me for almost 20 yrs now.

1993 & 1994 for amazing years for me in Awakenings.  Those two years lead to so much change within me. Years previous did too but those are the years that stand out profoundly in my memory because those were the years that I began to fully understand the importance of a Community of Women.  Another female friend in Portland invited me to accompany her to a visit with her psychic & to have a reading done.  To this day I remember that reading.  Again, I can see the kitchen table where we sat, hear the psychic's voice, the quiet murmurs of the breeze, see the house surrounded by beautiful vegetation.  Much of that reading has come to reality.  In fact most of it has become a part of my life.  Some of it is still unfolding but it is all coming to fruition.  

So, from a girl whose only close confidants were male throughout her teens, 20's & 30's to an evolving woman who, in her 40's, began to develop close female friendships which at the time seemed to come out of seemingly nowhere with women that it seemed ludicrous with whom to have a friendship, but that just would not let me ignore that they wanted to be friends to a woman now 60 who has meaningful friendships with women of all ages.  So, as I say so often, there are no coincidences.

The friendships of the past that were only for a Season taught me the importance of these friendships - Conversation & Community that is not possible in male friendships.  Friendships that require deep Spiritual/Emotional connections with the Sacred Feminine.  Friendships with people of the male persuasion are by DNA superficial for the most part.  Oh there is the occasional male with whom I connect on a deep spiritual level & have wonderful dialogues & with whom I explore deep meanings of Life & our Journeys.  Those men, I believe, are deeply in touch with the Sacred Feminine.

I enjoy the company of men very much, I think, because I, in many ways, think like a guy.  I like guy things - fast cars, I drive like a guy, I have always been an adventurer, I used to take risks, I love motorcycles, I have a fascination with power tools, construction, & all things technical, I love guns but I do abhor hunting.   But then, as a long-time guy in my life pointed out - I am a girly girl.  I was appalled at that description (because for me it has always brought up a connotation of the kind of female I just don't "get" - the bouncy, Barbie-type which is so not me) until he explained his definition of a girly girl.  It is because I wear makeup, do my hair, love to wear lots of jewelry, never leave the house without earrings, do my nails, & even in boots/jeans I will wear pearls.  In jeans & a t-shirt I wear jewelry.  So, I guess I am a girly girl.  At least to him & that is all that matters.

So, the road ahead is bright with sunlight & smoother than it has been in a long time.  I am enjoying the view out my Windshield of Life.   The sights in my rear-view mirror are getting smaller & some have completely disappeared from sight.  But to all the good, the bad, the ugly, & the beautiful that are behind me I say "Thank you".  I have been blessed in the experiences, the relationships, the Path that we walked however long or short the time we Journeyed  together.  I learned much from each of you, I leaned much about myself, & I hope in some why I, too, impacted your lives for the better.   I'm glad I didn't take the Loop around those towns.

~~blessed be...

I have always been a Seeker...

For as long as I can remember I have heard the beat of my own drummer.  Oh for years I tried to hear the drummer that everyone else seemed to hear.  I tried to conform, I tried to be what/who I was "supposed" to be, I tried to believe what everyone else seemed to believe.  To steal quote - "How's that workin for ya?"  Well, it didn't work too well at all.  Kinda got my life in a big mess quite honestly.   So, one day I just decided to seek what I knew was missing in my life.  Now, this was not some epiphany that just hit me like a lightening bolt one day.  No, it was a slow process.  Baby steps.  A slow, steady awakening.  With each beat of that drum in my Spirit an old belief, a part of me that was not really me fell away-replaced by a more authentic belief, a more authentic aspect of me.  Slowly, slowly, each day seeking Truth, Peace, Harmony, Joy, & Contentment.  It has taken decades to be the woman who sits here tonight typing away.  I am still a Seeker, I will always be a Seeker.  The layers of me peel away like the skin of an onion revealing wonderous things.  I have let go of the judgments what were instilled in me in childhood, I have learned tolerance.  I have learned that all those voices that shouted negativity at me throughout my childhood, my teenage years, my years as a young vulnerable woman were wrong.  I am worthy- I know my value.  I am lovable - I love me.  I see the beauty that is within me.  I may not be super model beautiful, I may not be beautiful by the standards of society in general but guess what...I find myself to be beautiful in many ways.  I have found self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem.  I am smart & I am funny.  I am a good friend.  I am a good person.  I am no longer angry, I have found peace.  I am no longer defined by my history, but my stories are a part of making me my authentic self.   I no longer look for happiness outside myself, it resides within my Spirit.  

Today I seek to become more Enlightened.  I seek to live in harmony with Nature.  I seek to go deeper within to find answers that reside within my very DNA - answers that I brought with me on this Journey.  Each day when I awake, I take a page from Dr. Wayne Dyer & say Thank You three times before I get out of bed.   I know that each day I can choose to feel badly or I can choose to be fabulous.  I choose fabulous!  Everyday I say "I am grateful, & I am blessed".  I walk outside on my patio & breath in the air of a new day.  And each night I walk out to the patio & stand in the dark thanking the Universe for the day.   To sit awhile in the stillness with no thoughts, just being in the Now refreshes me & sends me off to a good night's sleep.

I meditate at least once a day.  I try to meditate morning & night.  Sometimes, however, I find that meditating mid-day is refreshing & reminds me of my inner focus.  That focus, that balance, that grounding of my Spirit is what I now live to experience.  That way of seeing everything & everyone in a fresh light.  A light filled with compassion, love, understanding, & acceptance.

The energy I find in Reiki has also helped to ground me, to balance me, to keep me in sync with the Universe.   My psychic abilities are being honed sharply.  I can touch a person & sometimes get amazing messages for them or about them.  I have always been able to see the darkness in people, but now I know how to help disspell that darkness & most importantly I know how to NOT take the darkness into myself.

I am a Seeker.  I seek knowledge, understanding, Enlightenment.  I seek to know from whence I came.  I seek to understand my Gifts.  I no longer seek my Path for it is revealed to me on my Journey.  I no longer seek my Destiny for it too is revealed to me through my Journey.  The voices are quite loud most of the time now, but they no longer haunt & taunt me.  Now they are the voices of my guides, my angels, the Universe giving me that which I have sought for so many years.   Yes, I am a Seeker.  As I delve deeper into the Tao, the peace engulfs me.  I understand that which I have sensed for years.   I am a Seeker...I seek to live fully, in harmony, guided by the Universe, sharing my Gifts, following my Path, moving toward my Destiny with authenticity, love, compassion, tolerance, peace, & joy.  I am a Seeker.  I am blessed, & I am grateful!

~~blessed be...

I walk with Wolves...

Last night I walked through the snow surrounded by my constant companion, Great Grey, & we were joined by a large pack.  Through the snow we traveled - effortlessly - to a cabin we have visited before.  It is my home in a parallel Universe.  I haven't been to that forest in awhile.  The pack circled the cabin a few times before letting me know it was safe, undisturbed since our last visit.  There we rested by the fire & found comfort in our thoughts.  It was quiet, peaceful, & when we left I was refreshed.  

When I awake from one of these journeys I am always at peace.  I have been totally relaxed & peaceful since Friday when my weekend began.  I drove to a friend's house so that we could attend a concert together out of town.  The drive was beautiful - a perfect Spring soon to be Summer in Oklahoma.  The wind was blowing through the tall grasses & the waves reminded me of the ocean. The sun was shining brightly and a peace I only feel when I am on a beach engulfed me & my mind became very clear.  I now understand what I have heard from those who have reached a higher state of enlightenment & from mystics - I have been in a constant meditative state.  Amazing feeling.  With no effort I slip easily into a conscious state of mediation.  Been happening all weekend.  Mostly I am thought free, just aware & in tune with myself & all that is around me.  It is so cool that even my dogs feel it.  They will all three come & quietly lay on my lap or, as now, beside my chair.   They are all laying exactly the same - flat out on their bellys, legs extended, head between front paws.   And me, well I feel like I am in the middle of a meditation - breathing perfectly, relaxed, totally in the Now, tingling with Energy.

I have been recording thoughts since Friday to use in my writings.  Things I hear, things that pop into my head, epiphanies, ah ha moments.  To live totally in the Now with no thoughts of the Past or the Future is not an easy assignment.  We are all in a hurry to finish Today so we can move on to all of our Tomorrows.  But what is a tomorrow?  It is simply the Now that has arrived.  To live fully present in the moment is to have fully arrived.  The destination has been reached.  There is nothing else - only Now.  If we are not fully present Now we will miss so much.  What has past is Past.  It cannot be fixed or altered in any way.  It is like a small death.  It no longer exists in this reality.  The same is true of the Future.  It does not yet exist in this consciousness.  The Future has yet to be born.  Nothing we can do will hurry it to be born Today.  It will be born in its own time.  Now is what we should be fully experiencing.  There is so much to be lost by not living fully in the Moment.  Had I not been fully immersed in the Moment on Friday I would not have enjoyed the fabulous meal I shared with a dear friend, would have had only a superficial conversation over dinner not the in depth from my heart words that I spoke, would not have understood the beautiful imagery in the decor of the restaurant - the symbolic use of the element, would have missed the full impact of the music at the concert, would have missed the beautiful night of moon & stars as we drove home with the top down.  It was magical.  And Saturday was the same - a magical night of more music.  Of hearing the words to songs I have heard for decades but hearing them with new ears & finding new meaning.  If I were not fully present I would not have enjoyed such restful sleep with beautiful visions uninterrupted by cares or worries.  And today, fully engaged in living.  Each task was completed because I wanted to complete it.  No thought of the tasks for tomorrow.  Today was a combination of mundane tasks that took on beauty & beautiful tasks that enriched my Spirit.

My goal is to continue this stage of my Journey, to hear the voice that is leading me onward.  I have had my cards read a couple of times lately & the messages are always the same.  The Path is laid out & I must walk it onward toward my Destiny.  Yes, there are worldly things I must do in order to have the ability to walk my Path.  But I am beginning to see that the Path may, one day, be able to finance the Journey.  But that is Tomorrow & on Tomorrow I shall not dwell.  Today is a magical day filled with beauty, promise, & great peace.  Now is a blessed place to live!!

I wish for you, dear ones, to experience Now.  To live fully, to love unconditionally, & to understand your highest Purpose.  It is in your heart - Stop & Listen.  The Universe will reveal itself in its own time to you in your Now.

~~blessed be...

A shift is coming...

I am reading it in many of the blogs I read daily. I am hearing it in conversations with friends. There is a paradigm shift coming. When??? I do not know. That is for the Universe to decide. But I know shift, a change, is happening within me.

A friend commented one day on my love for animals. It is not a usual "Oh, I like animals". I have a true affinity for them as living beings. I can see their souls. I believe they pass to the Other Side just as humans pass. I believe some are very old souls - like my furkid Scrappy. You can see it in his eyes. He is deep - a very old soul. He has a great understanding & acceptance of that which is Unseen. Lobo on the other hand is a very young soul. He sees the Unseen but approaches in a much more exhurbant manner. He is a perpetual puppy with puppy excitement even though he will be eight in October. His is an all out zest for living. Full throttle, headlong into everything. Zane falls somewhere inbetween. Zane can be sweet, loving or he can be a terror. I know/have known humans like all of them. Today I read this in Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth - "Once there is a certain degree of Presence, of still and alert attention in human beings' perceptions, they can sense the divine life essence, the one indewelling consciousness or spirit in every creature, every life-form, recognize it as one with their own essence and so love it as themselves." I hope I live in that degree of Presence. My dream is for everyone to live in that Presence. If we all did just that, Nature & human-kind could reside peacefully in true compliment to each other.

I am finding myself wanting to delve deeper into my awareness of the Divine, the Psychic, the Spirit World.  I just want everyone to get along & be tolerant of others. You don't have to agree with how someone else lives, the choices they make, but I believe you have to respect their right to do so. Jesus preached love. That's all I want in my life---love for others, for all living beings.  Peace, love, a feeling of community, an acceptance of others. Non-violence. I believe in non-violence. I have had too much violence in my life.

2012 has been busy for me.  January is always a busy month at work.  Closing out the books, tax reports, tax forms, new files, & on & on.   This year my 60th year in this Life began.  WOW...there was a time I thought that was so very, very old.  Not so anymore!  There were times I was not sure I would see this age.  Well, here I am world.  Roaring along as usual.  Lots more going on too.  I am now a Reiki II practioner, finished my training a few weeks ago.  I have been deep into meditation, getting ready to start back to practicing yoga.  Ready for the weather to stay nice so I can take long walks after work & on the weekends.  Been using my mini-stepper almost every morning.  Really watching the foods I eat.  White sugar & white flour are out of my diet completely.  Haven't had a soft drink since the end of December.  Waiting on the latest blood work to come back so we can see where the thyroid levels are now.  This has been going on every couple of months for awhile now.  Still adjusting meds.  Overall I feel good, but I am cold almost daily & some days the fatigue is really bad.  I have had a few days where I slept off & on all day.  I have been on a new med for quite a few months now (Triosint) which I like it is just a matter of getting the doseage right.   I have lost 15 lbs with very little effort.  So 35 to go.  I'm doing it in 10 lb increments.  Seems to be a mind game that works well for me. 

My psychic abilities seem to be growing.  I am, daily, feeling more & more of that side of me.  I have amazing dreams & visions. Have attended several holistic & psychic fairs lately.  Plan to do more of that.  The readings I am having done are really opening up my mind.  Funny, I give the reader NO information & I get information about everything I am currently mulling over or wondering about.  Destiny is placing me with the people I need, in the places I need, knowing what I need to know to continue my Journey.  The Path is becoming quite clear.  Even though I am a believer, a seeker, & always have been the process never ceases to amaze me.  I love the magic that surrounds all of us.  Being open to it entering your being is key.  I'll take all I can get.

I will post more on my readings, my Journey, & the messages I am getting later.  For now, dear ones, it is off to work so I can afford my real life.  May Light & Love, Peace & Joy,  Family & Friends,  Good Times & Blessings fill your days.

 

blessed be...

and Christmas is upon us...

As it begins to thunder outside the furbabies & I wait for the rain to begin.  We have had a nice lazy day today, watching movies, getting a crockpot meal ready to cook tomorrow while I am at work for a potluck with my Reiki group tomorrow night.  The clock is striking 10 p.m. & it is almost time to turn in for the night & get a good night's sleep in preparation for the work week.

The proximity of Christmas means it is one month to my next birthday.  A milestone birthday.  I have been thinking about my life quite a bit lately.  November marked the 7th anniversary of my brother's death at age 47, December 1st marked the first anniversary of my Mom's death, & it has been 5 months since my beloved Miss Evelyn crossed over.  I will not be sad to see 2011 pass from view.  It has been a hard year.  A year filled with so much.  As Sparky said Saturday, it's a wonder either of us are sane.  I know the stress probably has exacerbated the flareup of my thyroid problems - my counts are way out of whack & I am on my second change in dosage plus a complete change of medications twice.  We shall see how I am doing when I see the doctor the 30th.  Lately I have felt just plain awful.  My head hasn't been right, feels like it could just explode & I am very, very cranky not to mention how fatigued I am by noon each day.  Ready to get the levels back to "normal" so I can feel better.  But I am blessed.  I just have an out of whack thyroid.

With all that has happened in the last 12 months & my approaching birthday, I have been reflecting on how I want to spend my 3rd Act.  In listening to an interview with Jane Fonda on her new book she mentioned she divided her life into 3 Acts- The first 30 yrs, the 2nd 30 yrs, & the last 30 yrs.  So  I figure I am going to be starting my 3rd Act in 2012.  I could say it is the last year of my 2nd Act.  But whichever, I have lived far more years than I have ahead of me.  I have reinvented myself more than once.  I can name the Acts based on who I was during each of those 30 yr periods.  I think I will devote all of next year's writings to revisiting those Acts.  Revisiting my personas.  Explaining how I became who I am today - how I came to my authentic self.

So, as I celebrate Winter Solstice on 12/21/2011, Christmas, then New Year's Eve I will begin to formulate my writings.  Begin to fully, deeply explore my life & document the complete Journey.  It will be quite a story, many stories in fact, some sad, some tragic, some happy, some exciting, some scary, some boring, some funny, but all of them honest.

As we close out 2011 dear ones, I wish you Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, & above all blessings, love, enlightenment, joy, & fulfillment.  May your Journey in 2012 be filled with excitement, understanding, tolerance, acceptance, & peace.  May we all know Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards All Creatures Great & Small.  May we all find acceptance, understanding, & tolerance for that which we cannot see, for that which we do not understand, for those who differ from us in beliefs, cultures, lifestyles, & may we all know the Unconditional Love of Mother God, Father God, All that Is, & All that will ever Be.   Light, Love, & Blessings, dear ones!!

~~blessed be...

and it was revealed...

Many times during meditation, Healing Circle, & Full Moon Meditation I feel this way - I can feel a large ball of energy between my palms.  It is the coolest feeling to have the energy radiating from my fingers & palms, growing larger as I move my hands farther from each other.  Just such an amazing feeling.

Speaking of amazing feelings.  Went to a wonderful gathering of my Reiki group on 11/11/11.  Very powerful chanting & meditation.  Then the following morning several of us went to the Psychic Fair in Lewisville, TX.  What a wonderful experience!!  Beautiful little shop filled with all kinds of wonderous books, crystals, stones, etc.  And the readers,WOW, so many enlightened, gifted individuals in one place.  I had two readings done.  One was my Tarot cards.  I had no specific questions, just wanted to see what the cards had to tell me.  It was amazing.  First card pulled was the wish card, then the Divine card.  The rest had good messages also, but those two were so cool.  Basically, I have to be careful what I wish for because I can have it.  Also, I am Divinely protected at all times.  I have been through the worst of it & now I walk in the Light of the Divine at all times.  I am protected always.  Also, there are changes coming in a relationship.  Either the relationship I am in is going to drastically change or  I will enter into  new one.  Whichever it is, there will be great passion, an intense, beautiful experience that will last.  My health will be good, my career will be successful.  2012 will be a very good year.  I just have to take care of myself, be kind to myself, I am on the Path toward my true Destiny.  Was warned to not get too entrenched in my solitary life, to be around like-minded individuals.  Told me I have been a healer, that I am still a healer & to embrace that gift.  So I was lead to Reiki, I am supposed to use the Energy of the Universe to help others.  Also, the cards told me that the New Moon would be a very powerful time for me.  Told me to light a white candle & wish for 10 things.  Last night was the New Moon.  So I lit my candle, wrote down my wishes, prayed over them, then burned the paper & sent the ashes into the Universe.  I know they will be handled & granted appropriately.  It was a very good reading. 

The second reading was a Past Life reading.  I, again, asked no specific questions just wanted to see what the cards had to tell me.  So, I spoke my name 3 times over the cards & cut them.  I had a couple of expectations in mind that I thought might come up & I had some apprehension about karmatic baggage.  Was amazed at the cards.  I was Templar Knight.  I was judgemental, lived the doctrine of the Crusades fully, believed completely in the Catholic Church, lived a celibate life, lived a solitary life.  Then the Crusades ended & many of the Knights had families, loved ones to whom they returned since they had not lived the celibate, solitary life for which I had harshly judged them.  I had no family, no loved ones, no career beyond a Knight.  So, I sank into poverty, a lonely, solitary life.  I became ill.  I was found & cared for by a Pagan woman who showed me how to live in harmony with Nature, who taught me tolerance, who showed me the Way of Acceptance of others.  She changed my life & allowed me to change.  I died with no negativity, no karmatic baggage.  Everything a taken care of in that Life.  I fulfilled that Destiny.

As the reader was telling me all this I felt it all, I saw it all, tears came to my eyes.  And it all became so clear in why I had some of the challenges I did in this Life.  Why I was drawn to some of what I was - I converted to Catholicism in my late 20's, in my 40's I began to be drawn to Wicca, in my 30-40's I became more tolerant, more accepting, my Totem revealed himself to me very clearly (he has been with me since childhood), & I began to question the belief system I had been raised with, I stopped being judgemental, I found a peace I had never known.  I began my Journey toward Enlightenment & began walking the Path I have now been on for a couple of decades.  My Journey became very important & I hungered for the knowledge I came here to find.  I began to know I had been here before, several times, & I wanted to know why I had chosen to come here again, why I chose the challengs, why I chose the family.  Then on 11/12/11 it all came together for me.  I know I am exactly where I need to be, I am on the right Path, I am one with the Universe, & I have no karma that must be "fixed".  It was a freeing experience.  I am safely at Home in this Life.  It all makes sense.  It makes since why I have some distinctly masculine attributes.  Why sometimes I feel as if I am seeing the World through masculine eyes.  I now feel comfortable with the masculine/feminine that make me, me.  I can now embrace the ying & the yang.   I know why I am drawn to it all.  I know that I can meld all my beliefs into a whole.   It is good to feel that I have followed the Path in this Life to the place where I now dwell, & that I am where I am supposed to be, who I am supposed to be.

So, dear ones, I am a Seeker as I have always been.   I continue to Journey with the Great Grey Wolf by my side, the Universe, the Angels, the Guides, & Mother God, Father God, All That Is by my side.  I have only to ask & what I seek shall be shown. 

I bless each of you today & every day!!  I wish you well on your own Journey.  I pray your Path will be easy, & the Way revealed to you.  I pray you find what you seek.

Until we meet again-

~~blessed be... 

Off the beaten path...

That's where I have been, both figuratively & literally.  A couple of weeks ago a friend called on a rainy Sunday afternoon & suggested a walk.  I was up for that.  So off to the park we went.  Started out on the concrete path but then ventured off into the woods in the rain on wet, muddy clay.  Had a slight mishap (called hitting slick clay & almost tumbling into the creek but a dead tree stopped the fast downhill slide).  No injures but lots of laughs.  And through the woods we trekked awhile longer.  Walking barefoot on a rainy day is wonderful & really grounds you to Mother Earth.  Sliding down an embankment, however, bruises your pride somewhat.  But it makes for the best story!!

I let a comment made by a facebook "friend" derail my Reiki practicing.  Someone I do not know personally, just a page I used to follow, made a very negative comment about my being a Reiki I Practioner & what that did not allow me to do & how little it allowed me to do in the way of practicing Reiki.  Basically she told me I could heal fruit but to stay away from people & that it would be a long time before I could use energy on others.  Suffice to say, it wounded me but most importantly it started a fearful dialogue in my head (Crap).  So, I got scared to practice on anyone but myself (I stayed away from fruit also since my mission is to harm none).  Stayed away from my Reiki Circle for awhile.  But, Monday night I went to Healing Circle.  My Reiki Master/Teacher/Mentor/Friend encouraged me to give Reiki to another practioner who unbeknownst to me at the time is a Reiki Master (Crap).  It was a very good experience, but had I known my "subject's" level of expertise I would have run for the door.  While I did not feel ready to take Reiki II on Saturday, I do feel more confident & I am back on track with my former enthusiasim for healing.  I know now that the "comments" were just old crap coming up that I needed to deal with, acknowledge, & move past so that I can continue my Journey toward healing.   So, from this point forward I will be sharing Reiki with others at Open House, my personal life, Healing Circle, & any other time I can.  Sorry, fruit of the world but I am gonna share the energy with others. 

Meditating every day now, usually twice a day.  On a 40 day challenge right now that ends on 11/11/11.  Should be a powerful day.  Expecting a shift in the Universe.  Thousands around the world are participating & the mantra is so powerful.

Just finished reading "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman.  Truly life changing & has complimented my Journey so much.  Gave me a lot to think about, reflect on, & put into practice.  I cannot heal the world without healing myself, but by healing myself I can heal my world.

I have a story to tell.  My story can help others.  It is time to get back to my writing on a regular basis (all the messages that come to me through my own meditation, my guides, from others, & through card readings keep telling me to get back to creating).  Everyday I need to carve out time to write.  A few minutes or a few hours.  The book may never be published except by me.  No one may read it but my friends & family but it will be there for them to read, to understand my Life, to witness the Journey, & to better understand my Path.   Perhaps, just perhaps it will fall into the hands of someone who needs to hear my story & perhaps, just perhaps it will make a difference in someone else's life. 

Since I was in college I have had very long hair.  At times down to my butt. Always middle of my back at least. Always wore it down or in braids.  My hair was always something that I liked about myself.  I clung to that long hair with all my might.  Rarely let anyone cut it more that just a slight trim.  So afraid they would lop it off.  Like Samson, my strength was in my hair.  Actually, I hid behind my hair.  People would comment on it, see it therefore I did not have to show them me.  Then last year I wanted a change.  First I cut it several inches but it was still longer.  Then I changed the style, several times.  Had a keriton treatment so that my natural curl would stay straightened, then I went shorter & back to curls.  Then I went shorter still.  Now it is SHORT (about 2 inches all over).  Funny, the more I cut my hair the more free I became.  I became more me.  The more I want to let others see ME!!  I got nothin' to hide behind now.  I am FREE!!  It is amazing how that symbolic gesture gave me such an exhilerating feeling.  

Peace, freedom to be completely myself, contentment, confidence in my Path, acceptance of my Journey have been hard-won for me.   But all pretense is now gone in my life.  I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I have only to be true to myself, true to my Journey.  It is ok to be me.  Everyone may not agree with my beliefs, my views, or who I am but my true friends love me & accept me as I stand before them.  They may not understand it all, they may not completely understand me but they accept me & they love me unconditionally.  Being authentic is the best gift I can give them.  By being authentic I love them, accept them, & honor them just as they are even though I may not totally understand their views & beliefs. 

We are each on our own Journey, following the Path that we believe is right for us.  No one can take that from us, no one can detour us off the road without our permission.  Be true to your Journey, find your Path & walk it with integrity, peace, acceptance, & love for all living beings.  I choose to live by this premise - Harm None!!   Every day I remind myself of this.  It helps me choose my words, apologize when I fail, & approach everyone with whom I come in contact with Love, Kindness, & Blessings.

I am grateful for all that has been shown to me so far.  I thank the Universe for the Enlightenment I have achieved, & I look forward to the next step.

~~blessed be...



Life happens...

There was a dawn I remember when
my soul heard something from your soul.
I drank water from your spring
and felt the current take me.
Rumi ♥

***********************************************************

In December it will be 12 yrs since I returned to OK.  WOW!! So much has happened in those 12 yrs.  My son & daughter-in-law were married, my 3 grandchildren were born, my brother died, several dearly loved friends died, my Mom re-married, my Mom died.  Reconnected with old friends, made new friends.  The Path I was on was new, very new.  The Journey sometimes took detours.  My life was on hold for awhile.  And now...now I am back on track.  The Path is not so new anymore & the signs are easier to follow.  The Journey is back on track.  I am again walking the Road that brings me peace, joy, contentment, & enlightenment. 

I am in a learning phase once more.  Feeding my Spirit, feeding my hunger for a better understanding of my Purpose.  Reading, meditating, listening, watching, waiting, growing.   I have learned patience.  I have learned compassion.  I have learned how much strength I truly possess.  I have learned tolerance, understanding, acceptance.  I work every day to put all that I have learned into practice.  There are still days that I fail miserably.  But, that is a part of learning.  So I pick myself up, brush myself off, & get back on the Path.  I ask Great Spirit to guide me.  I ask my totem to guide me.  I ask the angels to guide me.  I ask that all I came here to accomplish will be revealed to me.

I dream alot lately.  I always dream but now I seem to remember more.  Some are just haunting. Some cause me to awake screaming.  Some are truly evil but always have a good outcome.  Some I do not understand but they rest in my heart until I am ready for the message.  I think alot of poison is being cleared out.  Fears, anger, crap.  All being cleared away in my dreams.  I thank my guides for this cleansing.

Hawks are all around me.  I see them everywhere.  Outside my office window, circling above my house.  Riding in the truck I glance to the side of the road & there sits a hawk gazing at me.  Hawks are following me.  I am going to invite Hawk into my dreams & see what message he has for me.  Seems from my research Hawk is associated with cleansing, traveling back to our roots & accessing our ancestrial wisdom as well as traveling into the past.  Found some good information at http://mystinwolf.tripod.com/hawktotemguide.html

Guess Great Spirit & Wolf are going to have some company as they guide me on my quest. 

The Journey continues...

~~blessed be...

and the beat goes on...& on...& on

August 26, 1966

                                                                      Big Guy 2011

Me 2011

Each year as the mornings get cooler, the breezes signaling Autumn begin to blow, & August 26th approaches my thoughts turn to the latter months of my 14th year.  That was the day I meet my "forever love" the first boy to kiss me, the first boy that fell in love with me & I with him.  And we have loved each other for 45 yrs now. Almost always from afar.  We are both grown now, both in the latter months of our 59th year.  We have history together, we have history apart from each other, & we have baggage.  We still talk on the phone, we still pick up right where we left off.  What we cannot seem to do is build a life together, a life in the same locale.  Maybe we are not meant to do so in this incarnation.  Maybe it's because we each have a life where we are, & are unwilling to see if we can create a life together somewhere else.  But we love each other & are great friends.  Always will be.

He never thought he would live past 30 - I thought I would live the happily ever after fairy tale.  We got fooled.  But had I lived the fairy tale (and I tried it twice) I would have died young, most likely at my own hand.  Had he died by 30 we would have never gotten the opportunity to reconnect as "grownups", to find out who we grew up to be, to share in the triumphs & tragedies that come with adulthood.  He was by my side when my beloved brother crossed over.  He was my rock in the days, months, & year following Dave's departure.  He took care of me when my body shut me down & all I could do was sleep.  He knew when to leave me alone & when to be by my side.  He made the phone calls I could not.  He cooked when I did not want to eat.  He took care of me.  No one had before or has since taken care of me.  He is the one who has always understood I am not a strong sometimes as the outside world thinks.  It is nice to have someone who knows that.

So, since I believe everything is as it should be with the Universe & that there are no coincidences I know that we have, & are, walking the Paths that are an important part of our Journey.  We are both Seekers, but we seek in different ways on different Paths.  But our Journeys are still deeply entwined, deeply rooted in a 45 yr old love that happened on a cool, crisp Oklahoma morning on a long walk holding hands, sharing kisses, & talking as 14 yr olds do a very long time ago when we were both living different lives & when we thought life would be very different as the years went on.  When we thought life would always be a walk hand in hand with beautiful mornings, sunshine, laughter, & love.  We had no idea how dark the Road would get, how lost we could become, & how hard it would be to find the Road back to the sunny side of the street.  

We walk in the sunshine now albiet on separate Paths.  Both on our Journeys, both Seekers, both still loving the other with that same love that happened on a cool, crisp Oklahoma morning.  We still believe in that dream & I think that is what keeps us coming back.  We each represent something sweet, innocent, & hopeful to the other.  That's what I want to feel with my last breath - the knowledge that someone loved me for many, many years.  Loved me just as I am at any given moment.  Maybe we will have learned enough lessons in this Life that we will find that our Paths will be the same Path in the next incarnation.  Until then, we live our lives, follow our hearts where they may lead us, & no matter who or what is in our lives we are always a part of each other - forever 14 - hand & hand on a cool, crisp Autumn morning in Oklahoma.  Love you Big Guy - then, now, forever!

~~blessed be...