and it was revealed...

Many times during meditation, Healing Circle, & Full Moon Meditation I feel this way - I can feel a large ball of energy between my palms.  It is the coolest feeling to have the energy radiating from my fingers & palms, growing larger as I move my hands farther from each other.  Just such an amazing feeling.

Speaking of amazing feelings.  Went to a wonderful gathering of my Reiki group on 11/11/11.  Very powerful chanting & meditation.  Then the following morning several of us went to the Psychic Fair in Lewisville, TX.  What a wonderful experience!!  Beautiful little shop filled with all kinds of wonderous books, crystals, stones, etc.  And the readers,WOW, so many enlightened, gifted individuals in one place.  I had two readings done.  One was my Tarot cards.  I had no specific questions, just wanted to see what the cards had to tell me.  It was amazing.  First card pulled was the wish card, then the Divine card.  The rest had good messages also, but those two were so cool.  Basically, I have to be careful what I wish for because I can have it.  Also, I am Divinely protected at all times.  I have been through the worst of it & now I walk in the Light of the Divine at all times.  I am protected always.  Also, there are changes coming in a relationship.  Either the relationship I am in is going to drastically change or  I will enter into  new one.  Whichever it is, there will be great passion, an intense, beautiful experience that will last.  My health will be good, my career will be successful.  2012 will be a very good year.  I just have to take care of myself, be kind to myself, I am on the Path toward my true Destiny.  Was warned to not get too entrenched in my solitary life, to be around like-minded individuals.  Told me I have been a healer, that I am still a healer & to embrace that gift.  So I was lead to Reiki, I am supposed to use the Energy of the Universe to help others.  Also, the cards told me that the New Moon would be a very powerful time for me.  Told me to light a white candle & wish for 10 things.  Last night was the New Moon.  So I lit my candle, wrote down my wishes, prayed over them, then burned the paper & sent the ashes into the Universe.  I know they will be handled & granted appropriately.  It was a very good reading. 

The second reading was a Past Life reading.  I, again, asked no specific questions just wanted to see what the cards had to tell me.  So, I spoke my name 3 times over the cards & cut them.  I had a couple of expectations in mind that I thought might come up & I had some apprehension about karmatic baggage.  Was amazed at the cards.  I was Templar Knight.  I was judgemental, lived the doctrine of the Crusades fully, believed completely in the Catholic Church, lived a celibate life, lived a solitary life.  Then the Crusades ended & many of the Knights had families, loved ones to whom they returned since they had not lived the celibate, solitary life for which I had harshly judged them.  I had no family, no loved ones, no career beyond a Knight.  So, I sank into poverty, a lonely, solitary life.  I became ill.  I was found & cared for by a Pagan woman who showed me how to live in harmony with Nature, who taught me tolerance, who showed me the Way of Acceptance of others.  She changed my life & allowed me to change.  I died with no negativity, no karmatic baggage.  Everything a taken care of in that Life.  I fulfilled that Destiny.

As the reader was telling me all this I felt it all, I saw it all, tears came to my eyes.  And it all became so clear in why I had some of the challenges I did in this Life.  Why I was drawn to some of what I was - I converted to Catholicism in my late 20's, in my 40's I began to be drawn to Wicca, in my 30-40's I became more tolerant, more accepting, my Totem revealed himself to me very clearly (he has been with me since childhood), & I began to question the belief system I had been raised with, I stopped being judgemental, I found a peace I had never known.  I began my Journey toward Enlightenment & began walking the Path I have now been on for a couple of decades.  My Journey became very important & I hungered for the knowledge I came here to find.  I began to know I had been here before, several times, & I wanted to know why I had chosen to come here again, why I chose the challengs, why I chose the family.  Then on 11/12/11 it all came together for me.  I know I am exactly where I need to be, I am on the right Path, I am one with the Universe, & I have no karma that must be "fixed".  It was a freeing experience.  I am safely at Home in this Life.  It all makes sense.  It makes since why I have some distinctly masculine attributes.  Why sometimes I feel as if I am seeing the World through masculine eyes.  I now feel comfortable with the masculine/feminine that make me, me.  I can now embrace the ying & the yang.   I know why I am drawn to it all.  I know that I can meld all my beliefs into a whole.   It is good to feel that I have followed the Path in this Life to the place where I now dwell, & that I am where I am supposed to be, who I am supposed to be.

So, dear ones, I am a Seeker as I have always been.   I continue to Journey with the Great Grey Wolf by my side, the Universe, the Angels, the Guides, & Mother God, Father God, All That Is by my side.  I have only to ask & what I seek shall be shown. 

I bless each of you today & every day!!  I wish you well on your own Journey.  I pray your Path will be easy, & the Way revealed to you.  I pray you find what you seek.

Until we meet again-

~~blessed be... 

Off the beaten path...

That's where I have been, both figuratively & literally.  A couple of weeks ago a friend called on a rainy Sunday afternoon & suggested a walk.  I was up for that.  So off to the park we went.  Started out on the concrete path but then ventured off into the woods in the rain on wet, muddy clay.  Had a slight mishap (called hitting slick clay & almost tumbling into the creek but a dead tree stopped the fast downhill slide).  No injures but lots of laughs.  And through the woods we trekked awhile longer.  Walking barefoot on a rainy day is wonderful & really grounds you to Mother Earth.  Sliding down an embankment, however, bruises your pride somewhat.  But it makes for the best story!!

I let a comment made by a facebook "friend" derail my Reiki practicing.  Someone I do not know personally, just a page I used to follow, made a very negative comment about my being a Reiki I Practioner & what that did not allow me to do & how little it allowed me to do in the way of practicing Reiki.  Basically she told me I could heal fruit but to stay away from people & that it would be a long time before I could use energy on others.  Suffice to say, it wounded me but most importantly it started a fearful dialogue in my head (Crap).  So, I got scared to practice on anyone but myself (I stayed away from fruit also since my mission is to harm none).  Stayed away from my Reiki Circle for awhile.  But, Monday night I went to Healing Circle.  My Reiki Master/Teacher/Mentor/Friend encouraged me to give Reiki to another practioner who unbeknownst to me at the time is a Reiki Master (Crap).  It was a very good experience, but had I known my "subject's" level of expertise I would have run for the door.  While I did not feel ready to take Reiki II on Saturday, I do feel more confident & I am back on track with my former enthusiasim for healing.  I know now that the "comments" were just old crap coming up that I needed to deal with, acknowledge, & move past so that I can continue my Journey toward healing.   So, from this point forward I will be sharing Reiki with others at Open House, my personal life, Healing Circle, & any other time I can.  Sorry, fruit of the world but I am gonna share the energy with others. 

Meditating every day now, usually twice a day.  On a 40 day challenge right now that ends on 11/11/11.  Should be a powerful day.  Expecting a shift in the Universe.  Thousands around the world are participating & the mantra is so powerful.

Just finished reading "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman.  Truly life changing & has complimented my Journey so much.  Gave me a lot to think about, reflect on, & put into practice.  I cannot heal the world without healing myself, but by healing myself I can heal my world.

I have a story to tell.  My story can help others.  It is time to get back to my writing on a regular basis (all the messages that come to me through my own meditation, my guides, from others, & through card readings keep telling me to get back to creating).  Everyday I need to carve out time to write.  A few minutes or a few hours.  The book may never be published except by me.  No one may read it but my friends & family but it will be there for them to read, to understand my Life, to witness the Journey, & to better understand my Path.   Perhaps, just perhaps it will fall into the hands of someone who needs to hear my story & perhaps, just perhaps it will make a difference in someone else's life. 

Since I was in college I have had very long hair.  At times down to my butt. Always middle of my back at least. Always wore it down or in braids.  My hair was always something that I liked about myself.  I clung to that long hair with all my might.  Rarely let anyone cut it more that just a slight trim.  So afraid they would lop it off.  Like Samson, my strength was in my hair.  Actually, I hid behind my hair.  People would comment on it, see it therefore I did not have to show them me.  Then last year I wanted a change.  First I cut it several inches but it was still longer.  Then I changed the style, several times.  Had a keriton treatment so that my natural curl would stay straightened, then I went shorter & back to curls.  Then I went shorter still.  Now it is SHORT (about 2 inches all over).  Funny, the more I cut my hair the more free I became.  I became more me.  The more I want to let others see ME!!  I got nothin' to hide behind now.  I am FREE!!  It is amazing how that symbolic gesture gave me such an exhilerating feeling.  

Peace, freedom to be completely myself, contentment, confidence in my Path, acceptance of my Journey have been hard-won for me.   But all pretense is now gone in my life.  I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I have only to be true to myself, true to my Journey.  It is ok to be me.  Everyone may not agree with my beliefs, my views, or who I am but my true friends love me & accept me as I stand before them.  They may not understand it all, they may not completely understand me but they accept me & they love me unconditionally.  Being authentic is the best gift I can give them.  By being authentic I love them, accept them, & honor them just as they are even though I may not totally understand their views & beliefs. 

We are each on our own Journey, following the Path that we believe is right for us.  No one can take that from us, no one can detour us off the road without our permission.  Be true to your Journey, find your Path & walk it with integrity, peace, acceptance, & love for all living beings.  I choose to live by this premise - Harm None!!   Every day I remind myself of this.  It helps me choose my words, apologize when I fail, & approach everyone with whom I come in contact with Love, Kindness, & Blessings.

I am grateful for all that has been shown to me so far.  I thank the Universe for the Enlightenment I have achieved, & I look forward to the next step.

~~blessed be...



Life happens...

There was a dawn I remember when
my soul heard something from your soul.
I drank water from your spring
and felt the current take me.
Rumi ♥

***********************************************************

In December it will be 12 yrs since I returned to OK.  WOW!! So much has happened in those 12 yrs.  My son & daughter-in-law were married, my 3 grandchildren were born, my brother died, several dearly loved friends died, my Mom re-married, my Mom died.  Reconnected with old friends, made new friends.  The Path I was on was new, very new.  The Journey sometimes took detours.  My life was on hold for awhile.  And now...now I am back on track.  The Path is not so new anymore & the signs are easier to follow.  The Journey is back on track.  I am again walking the Road that brings me peace, joy, contentment, & enlightenment. 

I am in a learning phase once more.  Feeding my Spirit, feeding my hunger for a better understanding of my Purpose.  Reading, meditating, listening, watching, waiting, growing.   I have learned patience.  I have learned compassion.  I have learned how much strength I truly possess.  I have learned tolerance, understanding, acceptance.  I work every day to put all that I have learned into practice.  There are still days that I fail miserably.  But, that is a part of learning.  So I pick myself up, brush myself off, & get back on the Path.  I ask Great Spirit to guide me.  I ask my totem to guide me.  I ask the angels to guide me.  I ask that all I came here to accomplish will be revealed to me.

I dream alot lately.  I always dream but now I seem to remember more.  Some are just haunting. Some cause me to awake screaming.  Some are truly evil but always have a good outcome.  Some I do not understand but they rest in my heart until I am ready for the message.  I think alot of poison is being cleared out.  Fears, anger, crap.  All being cleared away in my dreams.  I thank my guides for this cleansing.

Hawks are all around me.  I see them everywhere.  Outside my office window, circling above my house.  Riding in the truck I glance to the side of the road & there sits a hawk gazing at me.  Hawks are following me.  I am going to invite Hawk into my dreams & see what message he has for me.  Seems from my research Hawk is associated with cleansing, traveling back to our roots & accessing our ancestrial wisdom as well as traveling into the past.  Found some good information at http://mystinwolf.tripod.com/hawktotemguide.html

Guess Great Spirit & Wolf are going to have some company as they guide me on my quest. 

The Journey continues...

~~blessed be...

and the beat goes on...& on...& on

August 26, 1966

                                                                      Big Guy 2011

Me 2011

Each year as the mornings get cooler, the breezes signaling Autumn begin to blow, & August 26th approaches my thoughts turn to the latter months of my 14th year.  That was the day I meet my "forever love" the first boy to kiss me, the first boy that fell in love with me & I with him.  And we have loved each other for 45 yrs now. Almost always from afar.  We are both grown now, both in the latter months of our 59th year.  We have history together, we have history apart from each other, & we have baggage.  We still talk on the phone, we still pick up right where we left off.  What we cannot seem to do is build a life together, a life in the same locale.  Maybe we are not meant to do so in this incarnation.  Maybe it's because we each have a life where we are, & are unwilling to see if we can create a life together somewhere else.  But we love each other & are great friends.  Always will be.

He never thought he would live past 30 - I thought I would live the happily ever after fairy tale.  We got fooled.  But had I lived the fairy tale (and I tried it twice) I would have died young, most likely at my own hand.  Had he died by 30 we would have never gotten the opportunity to reconnect as "grownups", to find out who we grew up to be, to share in the triumphs & tragedies that come with adulthood.  He was by my side when my beloved brother crossed over.  He was my rock in the days, months, & year following Dave's departure.  He took care of me when my body shut me down & all I could do was sleep.  He knew when to leave me alone & when to be by my side.  He made the phone calls I could not.  He cooked when I did not want to eat.  He took care of me.  No one had before or has since taken care of me.  He is the one who has always understood I am not a strong sometimes as the outside world thinks.  It is nice to have someone who knows that.

So, since I believe everything is as it should be with the Universe & that there are no coincidences I know that we have, & are, walking the Paths that are an important part of our Journey.  We are both Seekers, but we seek in different ways on different Paths.  But our Journeys are still deeply entwined, deeply rooted in a 45 yr old love that happened on a cool, crisp Oklahoma morning on a long walk holding hands, sharing kisses, & talking as 14 yr olds do a very long time ago when we were both living different lives & when we thought life would be very different as the years went on.  When we thought life would always be a walk hand in hand with beautiful mornings, sunshine, laughter, & love.  We had no idea how dark the Road would get, how lost we could become, & how hard it would be to find the Road back to the sunny side of the street.  

We walk in the sunshine now albiet on separate Paths.  Both on our Journeys, both Seekers, both still loving the other with that same love that happened on a cool, crisp Oklahoma morning.  We still believe in that dream & I think that is what keeps us coming back.  We each represent something sweet, innocent, & hopeful to the other.  That's what I want to feel with my last breath - the knowledge that someone loved me for many, many years.  Loved me just as I am at any given moment.  Maybe we will have learned enough lessons in this Life that we will find that our Paths will be the same Path in the next incarnation.  Until then, we live our lives, follow our hearts where they may lead us, & no matter who or what is in our lives we are always a part of each other - forever 14 - hand & hand on a cool, crisp Autumn morning in Oklahoma.  Love you Big Guy - then, now, forever!

~~blessed be...

 

So much happening...

WOW!!  I cannot believe I have been away from blogging for so long.  It has been quite the hectic 7 months.  As you know, dear readers, my Mom died December 1st & I believe I have also mentioned that Sparky's Mother fell the end of December.  From there the year has been a down-hill slide.  Sometimes fast, sometimes we hit a plateau, sometimes we just hung onto a tree or braced ourselves against a rock.  But we would always slide downhill again.  After assisted living, hospital, blood infection, nursing home, readying a room at Sparky's for Miss E to move into, another infection, another hospital stay, back to the nursing home, then with another hospital trip we finally hit the bottom.  Sparky's Mother, my beloved Miss E, quietly crossed over to the Other Side on July 31st.  I was by her side as she made her Journey. 

I was, however, able to take my Reiki Level 1 class & become a Level 1 practioner.  Looks like I will be able to take Reiki Level 2 in September.  Really looking forward to that class.  I met the most amazing people in my first class.  They all blessed me in such different ways. But I walked away enriched for having met each of them.  Amazing conversations.  Wonderful exchange of ideas, beliefs, etc without any negativity.  A total sharing & learning experience. Honest, open, & loving.

Finding time to practice has been difficult.  I do give myself Reiki before I go to bed each night.  I am sleeping so good - soundly & peacefully.  I actually am able to sleep in on the weekends now (so long as no one calls & wakes me up at 10:15 as has happened the last 2 Saturdays). I have been meditating also but not so much as I was a couple of months ago.  I attended my first Healing Circle last month - it was AWESOME.  Healing Circle for August is tomorrow night  (it is held near or on Full Moon) & I am so looking forward to the meditation as well as the communion with like-minded souls. 

So that, dear ones, is the Reader's Digest Condensed Version of the last few months.  Stay tuned for the continuation of my Journey.  I think it is going to be a wonderful ride & I hope you come along with me. 

Note:  Thanks KT for checking on me, for caring, & for missing me here in the blogasphere.  I promise I'm back!!

~~blessed be...

Dreams

Last night I dreamed that I was with a very large group of people who seemed to be trying to help someone else.  At one point there was a large group of us gathered around a table for a meal & we were talking about how to best help this other person.  At some point, the person we were there to interact with came in & immediately began to verbally attack us.  Wanted us off his property, didn't want us talking to his family, etc.  During the conversation with my "group"  I had been talking about shape shifting - changing from myself into my totem.  I have always been interested in shape shifting but had never associated it with becoming my totem.  My totem has been with me since childhood & often comes to me in my dreams, in meditation, during Reiki, & in my everyday life.  I see him often.  Sometimes I see his pack.  But the Great Grey Wolf is always beside me.  The only time he has not been with me was when I sent him to Afghanistan with a friend's son who was serving there.  When the soldier came home safely, my totem returned to me but that young man is forever a part of my Tribe & has wolf medicine around him if he will call on it for help & guidance.

But, back to my dream.  As I have thought about it this morning, I know that the dream signifies the changes that are occuring in me with regard to becoming more in tune with my gifts.  I know it signifies a shifting of energy within me.  I also know that the person who was angry & throwing us off his property signifies that these shifts in energy & my expanding Enlightenment scare some people.  They are threatened by it because they do not understand it.  Also, because there was a group of like-minded people with me & I know it signifies the people with whom I am now coming in contact.  People who are also feeling the "shift" around us.  A growing conciousness of that which is greater, a shift of energy that is coming rapidly that will effect our Planet, our understanding of all that is unseen by human eyes, but that can be seem by Spiritual eyes.  That which is being revealed all around us to seerers, psychics, New Agers, seekers, teachers, Spiritual practitioners.  I believe that is what the Mayan Calendar is speaking of - a shift in energy, a shift in enlightenment, a shift in understanding that shift is being revealed to me & it came to me in my dream as a desire to become a Shape Shifter.

From Wikipedia:  Shapeshifting is a common theme in mythology and folklore as well as in science fiction and fantasy. In its broadest sense, it is when a being has the ability to alter its physical appearance. The transformation may be purposeful or not, depending on whether it has been the subject of a curse or spell. In some folklore, once the shapeshifter has become transformed, it becomes progressively more difficult for it to return to its original form.

From http://www.angelfire.com/ca6/wiccawitch/frontindex.html  Silver Shadow Wolf's webpage
There are two types of shapeshifting. One is where you meet your Power Animal and become one with it on the astral level. The other is where the Native Americans believed that you can change your physical form on the earth plane. Shamans are said to be able to change their physical self into their Power Animal thus becoming one. Some humans have been known to become possessed by their animal spirit and although they may not 'become' that animal, their bodies and voices take on their Power Animal features.



I have been told many times that I have "Wolf Eyes"  I know Great Grey & I have been connected on the astral level since I was 9 or 10.  In the past 15-20 yrs we have been becoming increasingly more connected on the physical level.  I think this dream was a confirmation that as my energy shifts I will begin to possess more & more of Great Grey's characteristics.  I already have many of them.  I am deeply loyal, I value teamwork, I am deeply tied to my Tribe (my Pack), once a relationship is damaged I do not trust that person again, I am solitary at times, I am comfortable observing without being seen, I know my terrain well, & I can travel miles without breaking stride (figuratively as well as physically).  

So, my shape is shifting.  My energy is shifting.  My Life is shifting.  Great Grey will be with me every step of the way guiding, protecting, walking beside me.  We are each other's Spiritual Alpha. 

The Journey continues as the Path becomes clearer!!

~~blessed be...

Be your authentic self...

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.” -John Jakes

***********************************************************************************

Well, life has been a bit hectic around here.  But I know the Universe is putting me where I need to be, not only for myself but for others, every moment of every day.  Maybe sometimes more for others than myself. 

My friend, Sparky's Mother has been having quite the Journey.  She fell the first part of the year, broke her back, spent 5 1/2 weeks in the hospital, had a procedure to fix her back, had a procedure to stretch her esophogus so she can eat, & then went back to live in her house where she has lived for almost 40 yrs.  BTW, she is 91 yrs old.  It became obvious to us that she could not live alone anymore when we realized that she once again was unable to eat properly.  Very little stayed down including water.  So we moved her to a wonderful assisted living center where she has home health care.  She was not happy even though she agreed to the move.  Then she fell twice but did not tell us.  So in the two weeks she had been there she fell twice, the not eating thing got worse, she decided she needed a wheelchair because she could not walk, developed two pressure sores on her backside, then slipped into what can only be described as a coma.  She could not be woken up, if she awoke she went right back to sleep.  So off to ER.  Now she is in hospital - finally awake, infection from the pressure sores but internally where it could not be seen, several different antibiotics, near death, visitations from Spirits, trips to a parallel plane of existance (I beleive between this Life & the Other Side).  Yesterday, she remembered my visit last week, remembered Sparky, said her "dreams" seemed so real.  She said she liked all the trips she took.  She went to Missouri one day. Sparky explained them to her the way I had explained them to him.  He told her it was ok to go the next time someone came for her.  She has adamantly stated she is not ready & they will have to drag her over.  So totally her.  So, I have once again been involved in elder medical emergencies.  We shall just have to wait & see how her Journey plays out.  Her Path may lead to the Other Side shortly & it may not for awhile.  She is getting rehab to help her regain her ability to walk but we know she will never be able to live alone again.  More decisions for Sparky to make.

I had mentioned that I was going for Reiki which was something I had been interested in for a very long time.  Figured I would have to make an out of town trip to do so, but as Destiny would have it there is a Third Level Reiki Master in my small Oklahoma town.  There are no accidents in the Universe.  So, I had my first session & it was AWESOME.  My Totem was there, I went into a very deep meditative state, & felt so good afterward.  I have had pain & stiffness in my upper neck where my spinal column meets my head for years.  Massage does not help, chiropractic does not help.  I no longer have that pain/stiffness.  I have now had 2 one hour sessions, & one 30 minute session.  During the last session I felt my right side between my shoulder & hip begin to spasm just under my rib cage.  I could only think it was a muscle spasm which I have had in that same spot several times during massage.  But as soon as I named the sensation, I saw it - a solid black mass that was probably 12 inches wide & 2-3 feet in length.  It was very dark, very ugly, & very heavy.  Then I felt it move, when it moved it dissapated & I felt the most wonderful feeling that can only be described as freedom sweep over me.  Then my Spirit floated out of my body & stayed just above me as the Reiki energy flowed through me.  I lost all sense of time & space.  I just was.  I am always saying to people "Just be" & that is what I did.  Everything went away & I was just present.  Mind clear, fully present.  That feeling has stayed with me ever since.  In case you are not familar with Reiki here is a link & some information.

http://thereikisourceok.com

REIKI(pronounced 'ray-key') is a natural therapy that uses healing energy to increase well-being, support healing, reduce pain and balance the body's energy.

Rei ... in the word Reiki means universal, all encompassing, everywhere. The Japanese kanji character for Rei means higher knowledge or spiritual consciousness, wisdom that comes from God Who can heal all things.

Ki ... in the word Reiki means life force energy. This energy is within all of us as long as we are alive. If this life energy is low, we are more prone to illness and dis-ease. Ki is the energy of our physical body, emotions, thoughts and spirit and is present in all living things.

***************

Through finding my Reiki Master I have found a group of like-minded people.  People I never expected to find in OK, people I have been lamenting were not here for 10 yrs.  Now, at the right time I have found them.  When we were together the other night I said "I have been searching for so long, & now I am Home." "I have come Home".
This is a part of my Journey.  My Path is leading me onward toward the prophecy that a psychic predicted almost 20 yrs ago.  I am a healer.  So, I am going to become a Reiki practioner.  I will be taking my Level One class in June.  I am very much at peace with this decision. 

I am now going through my days peaceful, contented, positive, & with a feeling of inner Purpose.  I have stopped swearing, I am meditating every day.  I play soothing music in my office every day.  I am calm.  I smile at everyone (I did this alot anyway but now there is a different feel to it)  I am learning not to be sucked into the negativity of others.  I had a moment where that happened & it made me physically ill so I had to bless that person & release them to the care of the Universe but out of my life.  I just can no longer allow toxicity in my Journey. 

Most importantly I can just BE.  Be my true, authentic self.  Be in my beliefs with no need to explain them beyond "This is what I believe/feel"   Be conciously in Spirit.  Not just walk my Path, but to be my Path, be my Journey.  Know that I am a Spiritual being having a human experience.  An experience that I chose when I chose to come to this world in human form.  I hope to remember the lessons I said I wanted to learn here.  I hope to become the person I said I wanted to become.  I have taken many roads to get to this spot.  But I am where I am meant to be at this place in time.  And I know true joy.

Maybe I will find out why I am here again.  Do I have unfinished business, was a previous Journey cut short, did I not complete the mission I chose for myself, or did I just like it here & came back for another Experience?  Don't know yet.  I do know that I have been here at least once before.  I also know that  Cowboy, Ex #2, was in that life with me.  We lived in Nevada in the '80s.  One weekend we went to Virginia City which is now a tourist attraction.  We were just walking around, looking at different buildings, shops, etc.  As we stepped up on a sidewalk & took steps past a saloon I stopped.  I looked at him & said "We have done this before"  I could see us, knew who we were in the 1800's  I worked in that saloon, he was a gambler (as he is in this life also), & he had been killed in Virginia City.  I was his woman then too.  I have always thought we were together again because our Journey together before had been cut short before its appointed time.  I stayed with him for several years after I should have left (he was abusive) because I wanted to "do it right" this go around.  Don't know if we did or not.  I think about him often.  I loved him very much.

So, that's what's been up with me.  I am looking forward to learning more, becoming more Enlightened, & continuing to grow in this Journey.  Let's see where the Path leads.

~~blessed be...

A Spirit Day

Today was a day to feed my Spirit.  It began with a YouTube video on the White Buffalo.  There were a couple of videos that moved me deeply.   I have also included The Legend of White Buffalo Calf Woman   http://www.buffalomessengers.org/
 & http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFJ5RnnlamQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJrpZi33gnI

Then I listened to an interview with Dr. Wayne Dyer.  This afternoon I watched the movie Eat Pray Love.  All fed my Spirit in different ways.  But all brought me such peace & hope. 

This past week had been a difficult one for me emotionally.  I think it is just that I had become so out of balance over the past 3-4 months & I was having a hard time finding my way back.  Mostly because everytime I would start to become centered once more another "something" would come up that I had to deal with.  Another "mess" that my Mom had left which fell to me to cleanup.  It may never end, but I cannot live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  So, on Friday afternoon I had a massage.  A very gentle relaxing massage for an hour.  It was the most relaxing massage I have had in years.  It was truly an exchange of energy between the masseuse & myself.  The masseuse even commented that he had enjoyed massaging me.  That it was not a "job" as with some people.  I just totally gave myself over to the experience & was able to meditate through it. 

I also went in search of a Reiki practioner &, unbelievably, I found one in my small OK town who is a 3rd level Reiki Master.  Next Friday afternoon I am having Reiki done.  Tonight I intend to get back to a regular practice of meditation. 

There has been so much garbage thrown at me to handle in the last few months.  Most of it was unexpected.  And I have been angry about some of it.  But I think mostly I have been feeling put upon.  Some of it has robbed me of my peace simply by the nature of the individuals with whom I had to deal.  I realize that no one can take something from me that I do not allow to be taken, but out of frustration, angry, & disappointment I allowed myself to fall into old patterns.  And being angry at a dead person is very counter-productive. 

So, I have realized that I still had lessons to learn about my relationship with my Mom.  Mostly it came down to acceptance of the fact that even though my Mom loved me she was a lousy mother to me & quite frankly she did not value me as a person.  Even from the grave she is a lousy mother because she left a mess behind of which I was unaware.


I think mostly that is because she did not want to understand me.  Did not want to know why I am so very different from her.  It bothered her tremendously that I was the polor opposite of her.  She was appalled that I refused to keep the family secrets.  She was offended by my honesty, my outspoken attitude, my beliefs, & my Journey.  She wanted me to go quietly through life pretending.  I cannot be that person.  The years I tried to be that person almost killed me.  I do, however, understand that who I am threatened her sense of wellbeing, her security, her peace of mind.  I know that I made her face things about herself that were painful.  I refused to let her live her lies when I was around.  I would call her on it, tell her how it had all affected me, how hard I had worked to forgive & to become someone I respected.  Quite frankly, I loved my Mama, but I did not respect her.  She lived a lie, she perpetuated the lies never caring for the harm it did to her children.  But mostly she ignored me.  For most of my adult life she was not in my life because she did not like the fact I made choices independent of her opinions.  Because of that she ignored my son, her first grandchild.  She had no relationship with him or his family.  She barely knew her great-grandchildren's names.  For that I am angry.

Well, blogger somehow lost the last paragraph of this post.  So here it is again. 

I have once again forgiven my Mama, forgiven myself so that I could forgive her.  After all, in order to continue my Journey I must express forgiveness - I must live my mantra "Harm None".   I never meant to harm Mama by finding myself just as she never intended to harm me in walking her Path.  Sometimes it just works out that way.  Especially when we do not communicate honestly & authentically.  Feelings get hurt, misconceptions abound.   So, now I am again on my Journey, walking the Path toward more Enlightenment.  I am in the Winter of my Life.  I have lived far more years than I have left.  I have come to realize that it is not important that I remember so little of my childhood.  Whatever happened, happened & even though I cannot remember it has shaped the person I was & most importantly the person I have become.  Because through whatever that pain was, it strengthened me.  I have found peace in not remembering. 

What I know is this:  forward is the only direction I know & survival is the only mode I know.  I am a survivor, I have survived so much.  I am all that is left of my family of origin.  I have no parents, no siblings, no grandparents.  I am the only one who knows my history to age 18.  After that, my history is shared by many others.   I am blessed beyond measure to have my Tribe, the family of my heart.  Those individuals who know me best & who love me just as I am today.  They know me the most completely.  They see my true, authentic self - my Spirit - & they choose to be a part of my Journey.  I am blessed & I look forward to the next Adventure - where the Journey will lead me, who I will meet, & what messages I will be given, what lessons I will learn.  Today I face Life with a smile.  Not only on my lips but deep within my Spirit.  I am happy.

~blessed be...

WOW!!

Hard to believe I haven't posted since January 23rd.  Time gets away so fast, & not just when you are having fun.  Because overall I have NOT been having fun.  My birthday was ok.  Turning 59 ain't so bad when you think of those who have not.  But, as I told my brother (who died when he was 47) when he told me he really had wanted to live to be 50 - It ain't all it's cracked up to be.  Still holds true.  Oh, it's not bad.  I am healthy, I have a wonderful job, my grandkids are healthy, smart, & beautiful.  My son & daughter-in-law are too.  My Tribe is always there for me & has been so loving but then they always are.  I have such wonderful friends.  But even though my Mom & I had a very rocky (to say the least) relationship I have found myself struggling to come to terms with her death at times.  I really missed talking to her on my birthday - we always had the same conversation each year but it was realiable. 

My step-dad had to have two stints put in so I had to make two trips to OKC - one to get it done & the other to pick him up next day because they kept him overnight.  I check in with him at least once a week just to be sure he is ok. It just seemed like all I had been doing was going, going, going.  January was a very busy month at work (I'm an accountant & the benefits/payroll adminstrator) with end of year, W-2's, 1099's, beginning of year, normal monthly bills, etc plus I was still cleaning up the mess that my predecessor left (it is now ALL cleaned up).  So, to say the least January was a very busy month on all fronts - personal & professional.  It also took way too long for the insurance company to pay off on Mom's life insurance policies so that I could pay the funeral home.  That is finally all done also.  Then my step-dad wanted all my nephew's stuff out of the storage shed.  So, I had to coordinate that so that nephew's stuff did not get thrown out for lack of him picking it up.  He did, step-dad is happy, I'm done with that task & don't have to hear step-dad complain anymore.  Then I had to get Sparky's 2011 files set up in his new office.  That is done.

All the above being said, last Tuesday I had a mini-breakdown.  Walked in the bathroom to shower & get ready for work & I just started to sob uncontrollably.  Could not stop, so I cried in the shower.  Finally got myself controlled enough to go to work.  But I felt like crap all day.  That is when I decided that the Universe is talking & I am not listening.  I then decided that this weekend would be a "me" weekend.  No going out with Sparky, no doing anything for anyone but myself.  Not selfish, just self-preservation.  Yesterday, I had a spa day with sauna, Co2 bar, compression therapy.  Today was a pedicure after I slept late (9am is late for me).  Then I went to lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant in town, read a book, texted with my dear Sister of my Heart "N",  & then I shopped.  Took a Starbucks Frappuccino to the pedicure, had a Dos Equis Amber with lunch, then a frozen latte from a local coffee shop after hitting a boutique downtown (bought a few pieces of jewelry at 60% off).  Went to Petco & got some stuff for the "boys", came home, changed clothes, put new solar lights on the front walk, put two more flamingos in the front flowerbed, then played fetch with the furbabies.  I am having a good day.  And, I feel relaxed.  Who wouldn't??!?!?!?!

I am re-evaluating my relationships.  I am re-evaluating what I want from the rest of my life, who I want to spend my days with, & how I want to spend my time.  I have done this once before.  The situation was much different but still I was growing in a way that entailed a cutting of cords.  That was when I left Dud #2, started a new career, & moved away from a home I loved but where I could not stay if I were to survive & thrive.  Now, while I am so much more Enlightened than I was 17 yrs ago, it is again time to get out of the rut in which I find myself stuck.  No need to change careers, I already did that last year & I love my job plus I have wonderful co-workers.  No need to move away, I am happy where I live - I have a lovely, comfortable home that suits me.  But it is time to get back to honoring myself, my likes/dislikes, & doing that which feeds my Spirit.  It is time to write again.  It is time to get back in touch with old friends.  It is time to put myself first.  The relationship I am in (if it can be called that) is a dead-end.  We are strictly friends, buddies who go places together & hang out together.  We are no more that that.  We are not "involved".  I want love in my life again.  I want to feel that rush when I hear a special voice.  I do have someone I love & he loves me but we cannot seem to get our act together to be together.  Not since we were 14 yrs old.  But I will always love him & he will always love me.   See below:

***************
Response to: "What is the craziest thing you have done to get a date?"
for complimentary tickets to Just Go With It

************************************************************************************

On August 26th, 1966, I was 14 years old, visiting my cousins in Oklahoma, and was in the process of moving from Monterrey, Mexico to Bogota, Colombia. I'd been in Sulphur, Oklahoma for a week and it was driving me nuts... NO GIRLS!

Just then I look out the window and WOW!, two girls, about my age, sitting on the doorstep next door! I ripped off my shirt, (I was 5'10", weighed 175# and quite fit) grabbed the lawn mower and went out to "strut my stuff" and mow the lawn. Long story made short... Donis and I met at 2pm, had a date at 6pm, kissed by 8pm, were "going steady" by 10pm. I left town the next day at noon!

Flash in the pan??? Puppy love? Nope! Last Wednesday we celebrated Donis' 59th birthday. While we never managed to get married, we've always kept in touch, one way or the other. She's my "forever girl" and I'll always be her "...one that got away..." But she knows that I'll always be there for her.

Today I don't rip my shirt off much, but I'm sure glad it worked out that once!

********************************************

I will forever cherish (Cherish by the Association is our song - has been since we first met) my Big Guy!!  He has been the constant in my life through good times & bad.  We can talk for hours about everything & nothing.  We argue, we disagree, we laugh, we have cried together.  He was with me when my brother died.  He is always in my heart - he is a part of my Spirit, because on some level I would not be me without him.  I would not have had the courage to become me without his love.  He knows me completely - good, bad, & otherwise.  He will call BS on me but he will also offer a shoulder with no words of criticism when I need it.  We would probably destroy each other if we lived in the same house, but on many levels it is so sad we never had our chance.

Thanks, KT over at http://outofmymindbykt.blogspot.com/ for checking in on me, for caring, for asking if I am ok, for worrying.  It is appreciated more than you can ever know.  Your message came at just the right moment for me.  And thanks for the award!!

So, for now I am walking my Path.  I am on my Journey once more.  I am not yet sure where the Road will lead me, but I know the Universe has a Plan, & I have a Purpose - a Mission.  I have been  shaken, but I have not been broken.  I am a survivor, I have already survived so much.  Now I am just going to live my life for me with my eyes ever on the Path.  No more doing anything out of obligation.  I will only do things out of willingness & Love.  Because really...what else is there but Love.

~~blessed be...



Sunday Morning in the South,,,

Here I am, another Sunday morning.  Getting ready for that first cup of coffee, watch some news, start the day.  Today, I have to make a start.  Start to do something.  Start to clean the house or at least put everything where it belongs.  Seems like since I got that phone call on Nov 27th I cannot get anything done.  Seems as if I have done nothing but run.  Run to hospitals, run to Mama's house, run to take care of this person or that person.  I love helping my Pops.  I take him to his out of town doctor appointments.  No big deal there I was doing that when Mama was alive.  I check in on my landlord (he is 93)  - no big deal there, I was doing that before Mama died.  But it seems as though everyone conspired to "need" me as soon as Mama died.  As my dear soul-sister, N, tells me I have had no time to grieve.  I had the awakening last night that she is so very right.  Now I am doing what I should have done a month ago.  Sitting & crying. 

Today is the day that if I cry it is ok.  Today is the day I will at least clean one room of my house.  Today is the day I should run the vacuum.  Today is the day I actively begin to live in the world where my Mama no longer lives. 

I have been taking time for myself, but this weekend is different.  I have faced the fact that it is not changes I need to make in my life, it is changes I need to make in my grieving process.  I actually need to stop.  Just plain stop doing anything that I do not really, really want to do.  I need to do for me.  Whatever makes me feel stronger, better, clearer, less sad.  And I need to stop doing those things that others think will get me through this part of my Journey.  Only I know that Path I need to walk to get back to perfect balance/harmony in my Journey.  It is ok to be sad, it is ok to sit & cry.  It is ok to just be. 

I have walked the Path of Grief before.  I know it never goes away, but that it only gets less intense.  I know how long it takes for that feeling of loss to numb a little.  I know how long it takes for a scab to begin to form around the hole in my heart.  I have walked this Path before. 

This Sunday morning in the South is going to find me working toward getting back to balance in my Life.  Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, & Spiritually.  Yes, Sissy, I am going the smudge the house!!  I need that to clear my home as well as myself.   Today will be a day of many things - reflection, meditation, clearing of clutter in home, heart, mind, & spirit.

Today, I will begin working to find peace.  Peace on the Path I am now walking on my Journey.  I feel the winds of change blowing through my world.  Just as I felt them the day I said goodbye to Mama. 

~~blessed be...

Dreams

When I dream they are vivid, very real just like watching events happen to me.  It is like I am experiencing what is happening on the movie screen I am watching, but I am also an active participant.  My dreams have always been this way.  My visions are different so I always know the difference.  The thing is though that my dreams also carry messages, lead me on my Journey.

Last night I dreamed of Cowboy, Ex #2.  I was living in the house I am in now, but it was different in some aspects.  Such as my patio door had a screen door also which it does not now, but I have thought about putting one up.  Decided not to because my furkiddos scratch the door to come back in.  Screen would be ruined.  In my dream, Cowboy stuck his head through the screen & spoke to me.  Scared the hell outta me.  Then he came in my house.  As soon as he did this I dialed Sparky on my cell & told him my ex was here & I would call him later.  I was scared but more angry that Cowboy had once again violated me, my space.  He had on a uniform & told me he had rang my doorbell because he was selling security systems.  The doorbell had not rung, but there was paperwork on my door.  He did not know I lived there but he came through my back gate (broke it BTW) & came in my back door.  I berated him for all of this.  How dare he.  Get out of my home, never come back.  Fix my gate, you almost let my dogs out.  Then he was gone, just laughing at me.  Said he would be back.  Crap  I thought he had quit invading my dreams years ago.  

I think I know what this dream was about & why the maifestation was Cowboy.  He always intruded in my Journey, did not like my Journey, did not want me to have my Journey or a Life without him,  He did not want me to walk a Path that was separate from him, one that he did not understand.  My spirituality scared him.  Lately, my life has been invaded by quite simply everyone.  Several people/situations have demanded my attention since my Mama's death.  My step-dad is having some health concerns & there is only me to deal with them.  I will be taking 2 days off work next week to deal with eye problems (laser surgery) that are exacerbated by his diabetes (he is going blind in one eye), then he has to have an angioplasty because his cardiologist found some "concerns" at his appointment last week.  I have lots of questions for that doctor since I have no idea what he is "concerned" about.  My elderly landlord has been sick & in the hospital & now is moving to a new assisted living facility (he has distanced himself from his only child & grandchildren).   Sparky's Mom fell & has a compressed lumbar fracture.  It is getting worse, surgery would fix it but requires general anesthesia (not safe for a 91 yr old) so she has to use a bone building nasal spray (which she doesn't want to do) & wear a brace (which she hates).  Also she has trouble swallowing so we are worried she will choke to death.  She cannot have this corrected either because it also requires general anesthesia.   Now I have to find out if Ensure has dairy in it because she says she cannot have dairy.  Since when???  We are trying to get home health care approved for her.  And so it goes.

Then this is January.  January is a big, work-filled month when you are an accountant.  I have books to close, books to open, reports to file, forms to fill out.  I will be working some this weekend, late nights, early mornings.  And all my normal work to do: bills to pay, payroll, insurance questions.  And so it goes.

I think it all manifested as Cowboy.  I think the uniform signified the duty I feel to all these people.  The obligation to take care of them, to be their advocate.  I think his coming through the door was the manifestation of all this being dumped on me.  I love these people, I want to be a help to all of them, but I am still grieving.  I just have not had, nor do I see it in the forseeable future, any time alone to just be with my grief.  Maybe I am not meant to wallow in it.  I think the broken gate signified that no one asks, they all just assume.  That is, I know, because they all see me as strong, capable, & knowledgable - able to communicate with healthcare professionals in a civil manner.  I have so much compassion for the sick, elderly, & dying,  It is a part of my Journey.

Yesterday I had an eye appointment out of town.  Long overdue for new glasses.  Driving there I had the overwhelming sense of freedom.  All alone in the car, listening to music, watching the scenery.  Free!!  I had a very good afternoon alone, eyes examined, new glasses picked out & picked up, prescription sunglasses ordered to be mailed to me in a couple of weeks.  Insurance paid for it all.  Then I did some shopping.  Just strolled through Target & Sam's taking my time.  Then a sandwich at Panera Bread for supper.  Nice drive home chatting on the phone with one of my heart-sisters. 

So, I will get everything done efficiently without grumbling.  I will handle what the Universe sends to me.  I will walk my Path.  February will come & I will continue on with the year facing whatever must be faced.

~~blessed be...

Christmas Memories

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When I was a little girl my Granddaddy always gave me a box of Brachs Chocolate Covered Cherries for Christmas.  When he died, no one bought me chocolate covered cherries at Christmas anymore.  When I was married to ex #2 I shared this Christmas memory one year.  That Christmas I received a box of chocolate covered cherries & he told me they were from my Granddaddy.  That is one of my best memories of that marriage.  Someone loved me enough to listen to how important that memory was to me, and saw to it that I knew he knew it was special to me.  Now I buy them for myself every Christmas & remember childhood Christmases.  I did it this year too.  It was very important to do this year.  I have had one or two of them every few days.  I will finish the box tonight when I am home after spending the day with friends & having dinner with them.

I remember the year I was 16 or 17 & my family went to see all the Christmas lights in the nearest big town.  Back when stores stayed open late & were located on Main Street.  Music played, all the windows were decorated, & as we walked in & out of stores I would comment on things I liked.  We would then stroll on, me & Mama.  As I would later learn Daddy would wait until we were in the next store & he would buy me everything I had picked out.  All those gifts were under the tree on Christmas morning - the peach colored bucket type shoulder bag, the arora borealis crystal pendant.  There was more but those two I have always remembered.  But mostly I remember the beauty of walking in & out of the stores so beautifully lighted with lovely Christmas music playing.  I always loved to shop with Mama.  We had so much fun looking at things, commenting, watching people, trying on clothes & shoes.  We would have lovely lunches & shop some more.  No one was a better shopping partner than my Mama.  I wish I had known the last time we shopped together would be the last time.  I took it for granted.  Now I cherish the memories.

Merry Christmas, dear readers!!  Cherish each day, each memory you make as if it is the last one.  Make today a special memory for your family & for you. 

~~blessed be...

I remember Mama...

I am not one of those people who immediately, upon the death of a loved one, make them into a saint.  I remember my departed loved ones quite honestly.  I have been doing the same throughout the weekend with my memories of my Mama.  We had such a turbulent, conflicted, not always pleasant relationship. But there were other times that we had such a great time together, really enjoyed each other's company.  Lots of times we had fun, laughed, acted silly, & just hung out.

In the words of Maya Angelou "We do the best we can & when we know better we do better".  That pretty much sums it up.  Mama did the best she knew how when I was growing up & when she knew better she did better with me.  But it took us years to come to being comfortable as mother & daughter.  She was always amazed when she would find out that I didn't know something.  Like the fact she thought I was pretty.  She never told me that until a few years ago.  She "thought" I knew.  She also thought I knew,without her telling me, that I was smart, she was proud of me, & that she loved me.  Well, guess what, I did not know those things.  That is why it is so special to me that I was the last person she spoke to & that those words were "bye bye" "I love you".  I think she came back just so I could hear those words, & could know without a doubt that my Mama loved me. 

We went almost 20 yrs without really speaking & never seeing each other.  I would always call during the Holidays & her birthday.  She never called me.  Never knew until it was all over how abusive my 2nd marriage was & how I had self-medicated.  She always refused to believe I was an alcoholic/addict.  She never saw me that way & for my Mama who always wanted everything to be perfect she had to believe it was not that way.  She had a vision of me that was impossible for me to live up to, but in these last 10 or so years she had come to appreciate the woman I have evolved into.  The belief system I have, the values I cherish, the strength & get it done attitude I have adopted.  I heard her tell one of her friends one day "We'll ask Donis, she always knows what to do & she will know how to solve this"  High compliment indeed.

I have been known in my family as "Wild Child" for a very long time because I was the adventurous one -the one with the gypsy soul.  The one who could just pack up the car & move across the Country on a whim because it sounded like fun or because whereever I was just wasn't working for me.   I think that independence both awed & scared my Mama.  I think she would have liked to have had the adventures I had, but I think that my having those adventures scared the hell out of her, for me. 

But in the end, I came back to Oklahoma.  Came home to take care of  Mama, but then took care of my brother instead.  Now I have honored Mama's final requests, carried out her final wishes.  Took care of business just as she knew I would when she gave me the instructions over & over.  Knew I would make sure the doctors did not prolong her life artificially.  Knew I would voice her wishes & carry them out.  Knew I had the strength to do it all.  Knew I could do her funeral service.  And I did it all.  Because Mama knew I would.

Several months ago I said to a friend "I'm here because I will have to take care of Mama at some point.  When she is gone there will be nothing to keep me here & I will move on with my life somewhere else.  Maybe I will return to Seattle or move to Florida.  Who knows."  Well, I love my job.  I love my house.  I have a life here that works for me.  So, I am after all, an Oklahoma Girl.  And it appears that here is where I will stay.  I still have a gypsy soul but my adventures will keep me closer to my roots for now.

I will continue to remember Mama.  Tonight I almost called her then remembered that I couldn't.  I don't imagine that will be the last time this happens. 

~~blessed be... 

Hit the ground running

That's what my dear friend Sparky said to me yesterday when he asked how my day was going & I told him I just seemed to do nothing but sitting in the recliner & resting.  So he told me to take care so that on Monday morning I could return to work and hit the ground running.  Yep I said.  I'll do that & when people ask how are you I will lie and say fine.

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7:15am  Wednesday, 12/01/2010 my Mama went Home to be with my brother, all who have crossed over before her, & her Savior.  She is happy, whole, no more worries.  Her service was Thursday, 12/02/2010 in my hometown.  She had requested a graveside service, closed casket, no wake or viewing.  Mama wanted her earthly body to be buried immediately so according to her wishes this was done.  We were able to go to the funeral home & view her body one last time before the casket was sealed. 

This is something my Mama wrote about grace that I found going through her papers the day she died.  I read it at her funeral.

Grace

Ephesians 2:8 & 9

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God not of works, lest any man should boast.

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The grace of God says because you are saved, not in order to be saved.  You are not trying to keep a legalistic system.  You are responding to a system of love and peace.

What is grace?  It's what someone gives us out of the goodness of his heart, not out of the perfection of ours.  The story of grace is the good news that says that when we come, He gives.  That's what grace is.

Grace is a pleasant surprise.  Grace is a kind gesture.  Grace is something you did not expect.  It is something you certainly could never earn,  But grace is something you'd never turn down.

You know what happens when someone sees the grace of God?  When someone really tastes the forgivng and liberating grace of God?  Someone who tastes God's grace is the hardest worker, the most morally pure individual, and the person most willing to forgive.

Roberta LaDell (Groomer) Dowling Bolich

08/27/1932 - 12/01/2010

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The following poem was paperclipped to the inside cover of her Bible.  I also read it at the end of her service.

"Miss Me, But Let Me Go"

When I come to the end of the road,

And the sun has set for me.

I want no rites in a gloom filled room,

Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little, but not too long

And not with your head bowed low.

Remember the love that we once shared,

Miss me and let me go!

For this is the journey that we all

Must take, And each must go alone!

It's all a part of the "Master's" plan,

A step on the road to home,

When you are lonely and sick of heart,

Go to the friends we know,

And bury your sorrows in good deeds.

Miss me, but let me go.

**************************

  So here, where I always speak the truth, I am NOT fine.  I am numb, I am sad, I cannot believe my Mama is no longer a phone call away.  I have not really cried, I have been too busy being strong & taking care of all that I have had to do since last Saturday.  Too many arrangements to make, doctors, hospice, going through her things (thanks so much to my dearest Aunt for helping me go through Mama's things & picking her final clothing).  Tears are coming and I know I just need to sob out my heart to Great Spirit, to the Universe.  But I am  so afraid that if I start I may never stop.  I got to hear my Mama say "I love you" one last time, she told me bye bye before she closed her eyes for what would be her final earthly sleep.  I know by brother came for her because she told me he was there.  I know she is so happy to be reunited with him, her parents, and all the rest.  But I want my Mama,  Damnit I want my Mama.  I want her to say "Donis" in that way that only she could.  Usually because she was appalled by something I had said or because she didn't want to laugh a some comment I had made or a joke I had told her.  But I remember her laugh when I would do my comedy routine for her.  She made me promise to never do it publically until she was dead because she was afraid someone would recognize her.  Now I don't want to do it without her.  But I know, after all these years & all our ups & downs, that beyond a shadow of a doubt my Mama loved me.  I am so friggin tried of being strong.  It is time to just lay down & weep.  I have let you go Mama just as you asked but I miss you so much.  It will be a long time before I am able to be "me" again.  But I will never be the me I was last week, for I have been forever changed.  I am all that is left of the family with whom I grew up.  I am alone with my memories.  No one remembers what I remember any more.  There is no one left with whom I share history from my childhood.  My shared history is now only 34 yrs old - the history I share with my beloved son. 

Gotta go now.  I will write more about Mama as the days, weeks go by.  There is so much to share.  So much I don't want to lose.  I love you Mama!! 

~~blesssed be...



Away

It has been awhile since I posted.  I have been formulating several posts as well as a book review.  Unfortunately, Saturday night, Life stepped in & took control of my Journey.  My Mom had a massive heart attack.  She was brought by the paramedics after 15 minutes.  The doctors have given us no hope for recovery so we have brought her home for Hospice care.  She is improving somewhat, however, it may only be the rally before the end.  I will post at length about this Journey later, but I just wanted ya'll to know what is going on in my life.  So, dear readers, I will be back with archived writings, the book review, as well as reflections on this Journey that my Mom & I are now on together.


~~blessed be...

The Home Place

The house that built me was not the house that I shared with my parents. The house that built me belonged to my Granddaddy & my Nanny. Those of you who are Southern & Country understand the term "the homeplace." It's the place where your roots are buried deep. It's the place where you felt like you were truly home. Safety, security, love, warmth - the homeplace.
Mine is a small farmhouse on a dairy farm. 200 acres of barns, fields, Jersey cows, dirt, pastures, ponds, woods - they all make up the homeplace. Anytime I was back in Oklahoma I would drive out to the farm my family no longer owns. I would sit in the driveway & look at the house, the dairy barn & let the memories take me back. I could see it all again. The dairy up & running, cows in the fields, hear the John Deere tractor off in a hay field, see my Nanny working in the garden, & a blond haired blued-eyed girl lying in the grass watching the clouds drift by.
Sometimes I would get out of the car & walk around a bit. Took alot of pictures one day. I would always touch the ground & feel the life of that place flow through me once again. I have always & will always belong to that land. There are the happy memories of my childhood.
Yep, that house built me. The values I learned there have stayed with me for over 5 decades. I can still hear the voices of my grandparents. I can still see them even though they have been gone from this world for many years. My Granddaddy died when I was 16, my Nanny when I was in my mid-30's (on my birthday). But they are never far from my thoughts or my heart. For they, perhaps more than anyone else, helped shape the woman I am today. I was cherished in that house. I was valuable in that house. I was loved, respected, & taught so much in that house.
No matter how far we travel our raising wins out. Mine has as I get older & am once again drawn toward the house that built me. It is time to hold that soil that was farmed by my family in my hand once again, it is time to look at the fields, remember learning to milk a cow, gathering vegetables from the garden, running across fields free with a border collie by my side. Waterboy is buried on that land. He was my first dog, & he is the reason I love dogs. He was the smartest dog I ever knew. He was a joy to watch working cattle. He lived to be 20. He was in my life from my birth & I mourned his passing when I was not quite in my teens.
The Homeplace. The house that built me. To quote another country song "the roots of my raisin' run deep". I hope you, too, have a home place. A place where all that is good about you was built.
~~blessed be...

And the winner is...

Back in the day I was a very angry person.  I'm talking the seeing red, totally loosing control, scream, shout, rant & rave kind of anger.  It would come out of nowhere & completely overtake me.  In the midst of full-blown rage I would sometimes feel as if I were out of my body watching this total train wreck, but completely incapable of stopping what was going on right in front of me.  Sadly, I was totally married to that anger.  It was an anger that I hated, but could not seem to control.  It was a scary kind of anger.  Scary to be lashing out in such a negative, hurtful way.  Anger was my power.

I did not want to be that person.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.  There was a lot of anger in my childhood home.  A lot of anger.  The same anger in which I could loose myself.  I hated who I was when the anger took over.  Hated that I could not control the outbursts.  As I began to better understand myself, I began to get a handle on the anger.  Once I understood where the anger was coming from, once I acknowledged my pain, I was able to begin to control the ugliness.

I had always thought if I forgave people for their short-comings, their indiscretions, the pain I had been caused that I would somehow forget & continue to allow people to take advantage, hurt me, treat me as less than a valuable person.  That in forgiving I would give others a power over me.  Hey, I forgive you.  Color me a fool.

As Maya Angelou says "When we know better, we do better."  Well, I learned better.  Forgiveness had absolutely nothing to do with the other person & everything to do with me.  My well-being, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & even physically depended on forgiveness.  I had to forgive everyone & I had to forgive myself.  The day I sat down & actually said the words out loud "I forgive you", I was FREE.  Free of all the anger, free of resentment, free to breathe, free to live fully.  Most of those people have no idea that I have forgiven them.  It wasn't about them, it was about me.   It was hard.  It is never easy to let go of feelings, even the negative ones.  But I do know this.  Forgiveness allowed me to continue to grow as a person, allowed me to find my Path & follow the Road I am meant to travel.  Forgiveness allowed me to know myself honestly, to find my authentic self, my voice.  Forgiveness allowed me to be happy.  Forgiveness allowed me to learn to live within my own skin.  Forgiveness allowed me to see that I could take a stand in a positive manner, voicing my feelings truthfully, & not being afraid to do so.   Forgiveness freed me to accept not only myself, but others as the flawed individuals we all are.  Forgiveness has allowed me to understand why some people are who they are.  It has given me compassion for the Journey of others.  

The anger is gone.  No more outbursts.  Oh, I may state emphatically something I feel strongly about, but I am now so confident in myself that there is no need to scream & shout, rant & rave.  I state my feelings, my beliefs, my opinions then I move onward in my Journey.   If you abuse or mistreat me, I will let you know & I will probably cut you out of my life if I see that this behavior is going to be harmful to my well-being.  But I will forgive you, the wound will not fester in my Spirit.  I will find the lesson in the moment & I will move forward.  That's what forgiveness is...it allows us to move forward in our Journey stronger & wiser with our Spirit healed.   

~~blessed be... 

The Best Revenge...

It has been said that the best revenge is a life well lived. I find that to be true, especially when someone has said to you “You can’t make it without me”. Oh yeah, just watch me. And while you are at it “Eat my dust”.

Sparky was talking about a highly successful businessman he knows that arrives at the office at 5am each morning & has done so for years. Sparky said if that is what it takes to be successful then he guesses he will not be so. I said that most of the highly successful, in the eyes of the world type of people, I have known have also been that way. Arrive early before the troops & get busy. But then I said “You are successful. You are well-respected, you have a good business that supports you & the guys who work for you. You have everything you need & want, you drive new vehicles, you come & go as you please, you are a good honest person, & you have a caring heart. To me that makes you a success – a success as a person & as a businessman.”

I guess I measure success by a very different set of parameters. But that wasn’t always true. I, like so many, used to think that success is measured by the balance in your checking account, the square footage of your house, the car your drive, the investment portfolio you possess. I am, after all, a Baby Boomer. I married that dream once. I pursued it once on my own almost sacrificing my health & peace of mind. Then I woke up to what is really important to ME. I redefined success in my life. I am sure that my definition would not work for some people. I am sure some people would not see my life as successful. I understand – I once saw myself as a complete & utter failure. But then my eyes were opened by Great Spirit & my Totem. I was shown my gifts, my successes, & the attributes that made, & continue to make, me a success as a person.

So, for me success is living my life well. By that I do not mean being rich, well-off, or even comfortable in a monetary sense. I actually live paycheck to paycheck as do most people I know. That has not always been the case but it has been since I moved back to Oklahoma because I took a big pay cut to make that move 10 yrs ago. I am still about $20,000 less that I was making then. In fact, I am making what I made 20 yrs ago. But, I am living better than I ever have. And do you know why? Because I am HAPPY, I am content, I am at peace in my Spirit. I have no stress. When I am stressed out it is of my own making, my own choosing or because I allowed myself to be sucked into someone else’s energy field.

Life is just too damned short to live any way other than what makes you happy. Not superficial happiness, but true happiness. A happiness that radiates from deep within your core being. Happiness & contentment that comes from living in harmony with yourself & your surroundings. Happiness that comes from walking your true path, following your destiny, taking the Journey with an open heart & mind, accepting yourself honestly by admitting your faults & short-comings, accepting those with whom you come in contact the same way. It is not easy, but for me, it is necessary in order to live freely – free from superficiality & lies.

Those who know me will tell you that I possess blunt honesty & I also hope they will tell you that I dispense that honesty with love, compassion, & true caring for others. I have found that speaking the truth is so much better for all concerned. It may cause some people to walk away from you, but then those people are on their own Path & for whatever reason are not meant to walk with you. I have long-time friends that I may talk to only occasionally that will actually call me because “You are my friend who will tell me exactly what is what”. Yep, I definitely will tell you “Which way the cow at the cabbage.” But only because I care & truly want to offer good advice with real solutions to a problem.

Because my heart has been healed I want to help others heal theirs. I think that this is what the psychic meant many years ago when she told me “You are a healer”. I had hoped it meant I could lay on hands & heal people from diseases like cancer, etc. I guess in a way I can. I cannot take away the disease, but I help them deal with the pain in their Spirits. I can ease the road they are traveling. I did this for my brother. I know my Journey toward his crossing over was easier because we faced it together honestly. I believe his Journey was easier because I walked beside him all the way until he let go of my hand & crossed over.

Am I a successful woman? YES!!! …and here are the reasons:

I am at peace with myself
I have made peace with the pain in my past
I have honestly faced my mistakes & failures as a person
I strive daily to be a better person
I have a loving heart
I have a kind, compassionate, giving Spirit
I live in harmony with my environment

I am loyal

I have discovered me, & I like the woman I have become very much.

~~blessed be…