Free Spirit

I am always amazed when a total stranger "gets" me.  Happened yesterday.  I was getting my hair cut & was using a new stylist.  We had talked about this & that when she made the comment "You are a free spirit".  I laughed & said she was right.  I found it amazing that she figured that out after a hit & miss kind of conversation.  Truly amazing.

I think some of it came from the fact that I was totally relaxed, completely peaceful & content.  No stress.  I started my new job on Thursday.  It is going good, alot to absord & get caught up but I come home tired in a very contented, "got something accomplished" kind of way.  It is a good tired.  I am happy.  Overwhelmed somewhat but happy.  I have a very nice peaceful office.  Everyone works all day, not alot of chatter, so far no drama.  There is a very good vibe in the office.  I noticed that the first time I interviewed there.  Really nice vibe.

I was thinking today how much has changed in my life the last 40 yrs since high school graduation.  Seems so long ago but also such a short time ago.  I have seen so much, experienced so much, had such wonderful adventures, experienced such tragedy & joy.  I am not the Oklahoma Girl I was that May night when I walked across the stage & received my high school diploma nor am I the same Oklahoma Girl who walked across the stage three years later on a hot August morning to receive my BA degree.   How I have grown, but in some ways I have stayed the same only I have become free to be who I was meant to be.  I have courage now that I never thought I possessed.  I have a strength that sometimes is a surprise even to me.  I am gutsy & brave.  Two things I never was in high school or college or even as a young adult.  When ex-husband #2 told me I had changed when I explained why I could no longer be his wife, I agreed.  I explained Life had changed me.  He meant it as an insult, I meant it as a compliment to myself.  If I had not changed I would be dead now.  If I had not changed I would not be who I am today & I like the woman into whom I have evolved.  I like being strong, brave, gutsy, irreverant with a cutting sense of humor, a bend toward scarcasim, a strong belief in Great Spirit, & a deep sense of all that I cannot see.  I am glad to have embraced my gifts, of being able to see what others sometimes cannot, of being in tune with the Spiritual world.  I am happy that I have been able to reinvent the Oklahoma Girl I once was into the Oklahoma Girl I am today.  I have kept that which was good, thrown away that which did not suit me, added the things that I want to be a part of me, embraced those things that make me different from others. I have evolved into a complete person. 

I am fine-tuning the last reinvention right now.  I got stuck for a couple of years in a deadend job that was sucking the joy out of me.  I got mired in someone else's mud.  Well, I just took myself a big old truck & pulled my show out.  I am moving on down the road now, free of mud, following the sun.   I am getting back to the world of positive thinking, knowing that the Universe is indeed spinning in the right direction taking me toward my true Destiny.  I feel hopeful!!  I know that I will be able to work, then leave the work behind when I lock my office door.  I will be able to get back to my writing (not the blog, but my writing that I hope someday will be published), get back to my spiritual practices, my reading, my art.  I will begin again to truly take care of myself -- mind, body, spirit.  I feel free now rather than trapped in a life that I did not want.  There will be changes.  When they will all transpire I do not know, but I know there are a couple of things I need to do for myself so that I can be truly my authentic self.

I do hear the beat of my own drum. I am a free spirit set on experiencing Life & all it has to offer. I love Adventure, I love my Journey, I embrace the lessons I have learned & the ones yet to learn.  I relish what is about to unfold in my Destiny. 

So for now, all I can say is "Look out World" 'cause I'm back.

~~blessed be...

4:00am

"It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter" -- Marlene Dietrich

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If I was gonna write a song, it would be called 4:00am Friends using the Dietrich quote as part of the chorus.   

It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter
It's the friend who is instantly awake
It's the friend who says "I'll be right there"
It's the friend who flys across the country just because you are in need
It's the friend who never asks "What were you thinking?"
It's the friend who hears your pain
It's the friend who says "I love you-hang on til I get there"
It's the friend who makes a pot of coffee & talks to you on phone while all the world is sleeping
It's the friend who never judges, but offers sound advice
It's the friend who offers counsel & tells you things will turn out alright
It's the friend who says "Come stay with me - we will find the way together"
It's the friend who cries along with you even when they think the guy is a bastard
It's the friend who never says "I told you so"
It's the friend who asks "What can I do, what do you need, are you ok?"
It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter

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These are the friends that we hope, at least once in our lives, that we have.  It is the friend we hope to be when someone is hurting.  I know who are on that list in my life.  I know who I can, & have called, at 4am.  I know what it is to come instantly awake, ready for whatever that call or knock on the door is bringing.   This is unconditional love, a servant's spirit.  This is truly loving someone else at least as much as yourself but in truth loving them more.  Being ready for spiritual warfare at times, being ready to jump in the truck & load up their stuff at another, or simply being the shoulder they can cry on.  To drive where ever it is that they can be safe.  It is calling the cops because you just might kill the bastard for what he did & he ain't worth sittin' in jail about.  It is crying at the tragedy, comforting others, making breakfast, calling friends & relatives with the news.  It is sitting at a hospital bedside, it is taking charge, it is just being there.  It is sitting quietly because words are not necessary.  It is holding hands because that is all you can do.  It is being strong for someone else & breaking down privately.  It is 4am, & you just got the call.

~~blessed be...

Women

Oh Thank Goodness, It's Not Just Me! Oh Thank Goodness, It's Not Just Me! Movie

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I had girl friends when I was a child, a teenager, a young woman.  But, oddly enough while I had female friends even a couple I qualified as "best" friends my close friends were all guys.  To this day, I still have very close guy friends.  They are a very important part of my life & a continued blessing. With no romantic ties we just seemed to click, to be able to connect on a different level, to gain insight from one another & to ask those questions you cannot ask or get real answers from a same sex friend (despite what we think, women really don't know what guys are thinking- you actually have to get clarification from a guy). 

In my second marriage I was, due to the abuse that began then escalated, cutoff from my past, my friends, my family.  As I entered my 40's I began to connect with female friends.  I know now that it was Great Spirit sending these particular women into my life to aide me on my Journey, to show me lessons I must learn, to guide me in my Growth.  The first of these women were in my life only for a Season, for the time that we needed each other, for the support, the love, the Growth that I know took place in my life & perhaps in their lives also.   I have completely lost touch with them, but I remember them fondly & cherish the time we had together.  They gave me strength & courage.

As I changed my life, my job, my location in my 40's I found other friends.  One particular young woman was a very unexpected find as a friend.  We were very different, at different places in our Journeys.  Raised differently, with different lives. But, when we worked together we became inseparable.  You very rarely saw one of us without the other.  We were a team & handled the job together.  She is still in my life.  Not daily, but from time to time we reconnect, catch up, chat for hours.  She is still a very important part of my life even though I have not seen her for over 10 years.  She is part of my Tribe, a sister-friend.  I am so proud of her two older children that I have watched grow up through the years to become wonderful, successful, giving, loving individuals who have found their place in the world as young adults.  It has been a pleasure to watch their Journeys from afar.

Over the last 10-12 yrs wonderful women have come into my life at different times.  Two that are also a part of my Tribe, sister-friends, came to me through my dearest brother.  They are a gift he gave me when he knew he would be leaving this Life for the Other Side.

One I have watched grow as a beautiful young woman with a loving, caring, giving Spirit.  She does a Mission trip each year now.  I am so very proud of the woman she is becoming.  She is someone that I "clicked" with immediately.  We live an hour apart & sometimes that is just too far to get together as much as we would like, but when we are together it is a blessing & I cherish her friendship.

The other lives across the ocean much too far for visits, but we stay in touch through FB, blogs, e-mail, & our heart-connection.  She supported Dave & me through his illness & death.  She loved him so much just as I do.  We supported each other when it was learned that her husband had the same cancer as Dave.  Then from thousands of miles apart I supported her as her beloved became more ill & then crossed over to join our darlin' Dave.  She is a part of my Tribe,  my heart-sister, the one who truly understands the struggle, the Journey.  She is my other half that I discovered on a hot Oklahoma afternoon then danced into the night with at a blues club.  We have an unbreakable bond, we have faced death together.  She is embedded deep within my Spirit-inseparable even when separated by distance.

Through this friend I have met, via blog, two wonderful young women in Canada.  I have been through the struggles/disappointments/tragedies in their lives with them.  Able to offer encourgement, sympathy, empathy to wonderful women whom I have yet to meet in person.  I hope to be able to actually just hug, hug, hug them someday.  They are important members of my Tribe also.  My sister-friends from afar.  They are such blessings to me through their wisdom, encouragement, & love for someone they have never met.  But, no matter, we have a strong bond.

Now, in my late 50's (OMG I am older than dirt), I have rediscovered a friend from high school.  We really weren't friends in school, didn't hang out, just had classes together.  Knew each other as kids in HS do.  Then we found each other on FB.  Immediate connection.  Again, separated by three states but not in our Spirits-our hearts.  We talk often by phone, e-mail, FB, text messages.  She is a fixture in my life, a blessing, & I cannot imagine not having her as a friend.   She is my Tribe, my sister-friend.

I have connected with new female friends through this blog.  One wonderful young woman lives in OKC & is such a blessing in my life.  I am old enough to be her mother, but we connect on a level that has nothing to do with age.  It is a spiritual connection.  I so admire her Journey.  Her road has not been easy all the time & she has faced big struggles.  I revel at the grace with which she has faced her life & the challenges.  I am so very proud of her.  When we speak by phone or in person the conversations are easy, carefree, & comfortable.  It is always, from the first moment, as if we have always known each other.  She brings a beauty to my life for which I am so grateful. 

What I have discovered in this Journey is that friendships can come from the most unexpected situations, at the most unexpected times.  Women you would never have thought might be a friend at first glance.  Women you have never met in person, but know so well through their writings.  There are several such women in my life that I visit daily through their blogs.  Sometimes a comment seems necessary, a bit of advice or wisdom to share, a word of encourgement, a hug & a blessing sent through the Universe, a prayer for healing.  They are all important in my Life, a part of this Journey.

The Seasons of My Life are not as long as they once were, I have reached Autumn.  I have friends who are in Spring, Summer, & Autumn.  I pray they will go through Winter with me.  These are the women that I want to see me safely on my Journey to the Other Side.

I dedicate the movie link to each of you: my friends, my Tribe, my sister-friends.  Friendships in my 50's are so much stronger, more appreciated, more loving, more important & meaningful than they ever where in my teens, 20's, & 30's.  Those, somehow, just seem now to have been so superficial even though I know they all shaped me in many different ways.  They allowed me to know the kind of friend I want to be as well as knowing the kind of friends I want in my life.  The Journey of that discovery began with the friends of my 40's & continues.  These are the friends of my Lifetime, forever a part of my Spirit.  I cannot wait to see where all of our Journeys lead us.

So whether it is for a Season or a Lifetime: cherish, honor, love, respect, be there for your female friends because they are a very important part of the Journey.  It is a community of love, strength, support, & caring.

~~blessed be...
 

This ain't my first rodeo...

One of my favorite sayings.  Seems to be appropo in most of my life situations.  I was reflecting on this one day last week when I was facing a situation (nothing serious) where I bit my tongue not to say "This ain't my first rodeo".  How true, how true.  My life has been one "rodeo" after another.  Cowboys, horses (including the iron ones), cattle stampedes, storms, bad guys, oil field workers, saloon girls, the "law", moves across the Country dragging all I owned with me (leaving some along the way). 

Back in the day, I dated a bull rider (he was also a tool pusher with an oil company) & then a calf roper (worked on a ranch).  We hauled to rodeos all over.  Bull riders are crazy.  They have to be. LOL  He failed to give me an important piece of information however---married w/kids.  When I found out (he gave me his home phone number -what a fool- & the wife answered one night), & he finally got me to talk to him,  he told me "I knew if I told you I was married you wouldn't go out with me".  Duh!!  Calf roper was at least single.  Just not stable boyfriend or husband material.  That relationship lasted about 6 seconds.  Then there was the biker who rode a Harley.  Found out he was a member of the KKK.  Ran for the nearest exit on that one too.  He never knew I found out.  

The storms have been of the emotional sort.  They come along in everyone's life.  It is not so much the damage from the storm as how you weather it.   I have weathered them well as it turns out.  Not always so sure when I was in the midst of it all, but looking back it's all good because I walked out with my life, dignity, & self-respect.  I have been battered & bruised but I have not been beaten.  Life has handed me some struggles but I am who I am because of them.  I am a better woman than I could have ever hoped to be if I had not faced adversity. 

I have been considering undergoing hypnosis to try & remember all that I cannot remember of my childhood.  I have very few memories of my years before my late teens early 20's.  Just bits & pieces of things that float up now & again.  Most of my childhood I rebuilt based on talks I had with my brother & things he remembered (he had a very good memory of our childhood, but I am 5 yrs older).  I just cannot remember anything, never could.  I really would like some questions answered but I wonder if knowing would be worse than not remembering.   I just don't know.  I have survived alot in adulthood, & I remember all of it.  Maybe it just isn't important to remember anything else.  Maybe it is all buried in the deep recesses of my mind for a reason.   So, no decision on the hypnosis.  Sometimes I want to, sometimes I say Nay just let it lie.

Yep, this ain't my first rodeo.  And, it won't be my last.  Whatever comes along I know I can not only handle it, I can survive it. 

~~blessed be...

Talking to my angel

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."--Buddha

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My brother played this song for me one afternoon as we were driving home from OKC. He told me he wanted it played at his funeral, & it was. The words speak to me on so many levels. And for some reason when I read the quote above I thought of this song. I think it's because I have health, I am content (as was my brother even when he knew he was terminal), & while neither of us were successful at marriage I know that both of us have/had successful relationships because we are faithful friends.

Yesterday, I got a call from my Big Guy in Seattle to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It was a very nice surprise. He had spoken with his aunt & since his cousin was there they chatted also. As he was concluding our chat, he said "I love you. I told my cousin that we may disagree, argue, etc but I love you & I hope you know that." I told him that I do know that, it is the constant that has been in my life since I was 14. I have never doubted his love. We can't seem to make a life together come together but I have no doubt of his love for me. I love him also. It is the longest relationship of my life, the only truly successful relationship I have ever had with a guy--44 years this Fall. We probably would have destroyed each other if we had actually married that long ago--we were two damaged people who had to find our way to contentment & peace. Don't think we could have done it together because the Journey has lead us down very different paths. Sometimes the paths have converged but mostly not. I cherish him in my life. Someday who knows what may happen, but he is my rock, someone I can call in the middle of the night & he will wake up & be there for me. He would catch a plane on a moment's notice to be with me if I needed him. All I have to do is ask. I am blessed to have him in my life.

So, I sometimes lament my failed marriages. But I have good, strong relationships with people. Relationships with friends who truly know me, they "get" me, they accept the authentic me. And, I feel the same about them. So, in that context, I am successful. I am content in my life, with the mistakes I have made, with the Path I am now walking in my Journey. Therefore, I may lack material wealth, but I am wealthy beyond measure. I am blessed with good health despite my own attempts to abuse body & mind in my youth. Sleeping with a CPAP machine & taking thyroid meds every day are just inconsequencial when others suffer so much. I am a blessed woman & I know it. I thank Great Spirit everyday for all that has been given me.

"I've been talking to my angel, and he says that it's alright"

~~blessed be...

MCLinky Monday

A - Age: 58

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: dusting - a necessary evil

D - Dog(s') name: Lobo, Scrappy, & Zane

E - Essential start your day item: Caffiene

F - Favorite color: Red

G - Gold or Silver or Platinum: Silver

H - Height: 5'7"

I - Instruments you play(ed): zilch, zero, nada, not a one

J - Job title: Administrative Assistant/Office Mgr

K - Kid(s): Son age 33

L - Living arrangements: House w/ 3 dogs

M - Mom's name: LaDell

N - Nicknames: Sweet Thang, "D", Wild Child

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Wisdom teeth extracted, complete hysterectomy (after going through menopause--WHAT THE HECK is up with THAT?!?!?!?!!)

P - Pet Peeve: People who DO NOT use their turn signals.

Q - Quote from a movie/show: "there are people in this world to save you when you need saving, to cover your ass when it needs covering, and who are always there when you need someone to lean on"--The YaYa Sisterhood

R - Right handed or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: One brother

T - Time you wake up: 5:30am-6:00am on weekdays; 7:00am-8:00am on weekends

U- Underwear: Yeah, yeah.  I live in a smalltown, just one accident & the tongues would wag for a month if I didn't

V - Vegetable you dislike: Beets

W - Why you run late: I don't

X - X-rays you've had: Teeth, back, shoulder, chest, collarbone

Y - Yummy food you make: Key Lime Pie

Z - Zoo favorite: I don't visit zoos anymore.  I do go to animal sanctuaries especially the ones that rescue wolves (my Totem animal)

~~blessed be...

Ramblings on a Thursday morning...

I'm an Oklahoma Girl

Red dirt courses thru my veins

Ya’ll falls softly from my lips

I talk slow, no sign of a drawl

But I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I love the smell of new mown hay

I can tell you what kind of cow is in that field

I can drive a John Deere

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I wear boots & jeans with diamond rings

I am at home in lace & pearls

I learned to drive in an old Chevy truck

Bumping over ruts in a pasture

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve shoveled out cow barns

I can milk by hand

I’ve hoed the garden

I’ve watched the dehorning

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve fed the calves

I’ve watered the horses

I’ve called the cows in to be milked

I’ve called the dog to kill a snake

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I drink coffee from Starbucks

I shop at Whole Foods

I’ve traveled the country

I’ve searched for an identity

I’ve found my way home

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I lived in big cities far from the hills

Saw mountains that touched the sky

Walked in the shadows far from the light

Always an Oklahoma Girl

I lived a fast life

I rode the back of a Harley

But nothing compared to riding my pony

I’ve climbed the Cascades, topped the Rockies

But, nothing compared to seeing the Arbuckles in the summer sun

wildflowers gracing the centuries old rocky face

I am, after all, an Oklahoma Girl

Neon lit many a sky

Turned night into day

Sounds of traffic played a sweet song

Sounds of the city both night & day

But, I am an Oklahoma Girl

Thunderheads come up far to the west

Lightening dances

Thunder booms far off in the distance

The clouds are black turning to green

Hail

I am an Oklahoma Girl taught to read the signs

Spring is upon us

Tornados are a part of our existence

Don't head for the cellar

Stand on the porch & watch it unfold

I'm an Oklahoma Girl

It's hailing they said that Oregon afternoon

Our cars will be dented

Our insurance is doomed

What, that's not hail I shouted

Pea-sized , HA HA

Don't call me til it's at least golfball.

Silly, people

I'm an Oklahoma Girl & I know hail

I’ve watched the sun set on Key West

But nothing can match the colors of pink, purple & gold

when the sun sets on the Oklahoma horizon

Nothing compares to the night the full moon graces an Oklahoma sky

The stars dance thru the heavens

The night birds call

A soft breeze blows thru my hair

I smell the honeysuckle, the roses

I let out a long breath, I am home

I am an Oklahoma Girl

~~blessed be...

There is no death

"Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.
~~ Lao Tzu "

                                Dave                 James         Bev

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This picture was taken on a very happy night at Charlies Last Stand in OKC.  Dave & James were both terminal with the same cancer.  Bev, James' wife, is my heart-sister - the one who best understands, the one with whom I share a history of so much.   Dave brought these people into my life.  I guess he knew that Bev & I would need each other to lean on through the years we have left to walk through this life. 

Several weeks ago James came to me in my dreams.  I had been going through a rocky spot.  Nothing too serious, just a bit of discontent.  Trying to figure out what to do next with my life.  Then, there was James.  It was a beautiful visit, brought me much peace, & while I am still interpreting some of the message I have been much more myself-peaceful, spirit-filled, joyful, happy.

Last Sunday I was mowing the yard.  I had moved to the backyard & was running around the grass on my Yardman Bug (small riding mower) with my mind very quiet just enjoying the day (I meditate quiet often on the mower-the hum of the engine quiets my Spirit & mind).  Then out the corner of my eye as I made a turn I caught the movement of the door opening that leads from the garage to the patio.  I kinda jumped then realized it was my brother, Dave.  He was there but a moment standing on my patio.  As he did in life, & now from the Other Side, he spoke in my heart.  Just checking in, I'm ok. Me, too I said out loud.  I miss you. Love ya, bro! And he was gone in a heartbeat.  Back I am sure to riding that Harley that I promised he would climb on when he crossed over.

It had been awhile since I had seen Dave.  Strange, I had just mentioned to Sparky a couple of days before that I see dead people quite often (although I do not believe they are dead, just crossed over to the Other Side living the next Adventure), that I hear Spirits talking to me, I have visons, & get messages, but over the last several years nothing from Dave.  Guess my little brother had to prove me wrong (he liked to do that). 

After that visit something shifted within me.  I think it was a complete, final settling of my Spirit that had not yet occured after Dave crossed over.   It was as if something actually lifted from within me.  Like a deep, cleansing breath.  A reminder of what I have always believed...there is no death, no ending of a Spirit.  We leave the body that no longer serves us in human form behind, but we-the True essence of us, our Spirit- continue to live.  We cross over to the Other Side.  The home from which we came when we decided to have a human experience.  We are all Spiritual beings who have always lived.  We will always be alive.  Do we reincarnate & live many human lives?  I have no answer for that.  I have, all my life, experienced de ja vu.  I have, in the past, gotten what I thought was a glimpse of a past life.  Where I lived, who I was in an abstract sort of way.  I have felt I walked a particular street before, in a place where I had never been in this life.  So, that will be an answer I will get as my Journey continues.  I like the concept of reincarnation.  I understand the need to "get it right" as we walk through our lives.  Do we get chances for do overs when we cross over with mistakes, missteps still on our hearts?  I don't know, but I wouldn't mind being able to take all I have learned in this Journey & apply it to another Journey.   All I do know is this...death of the body is not death of the Spirit.  There is much between the seen & unseen worlds.  And I believe deeply in the unseen.  I have felt it all my life.

I will miss my brother & James, & all the others who have gone before until I am again united with them on the Other Side.  But, I will grieve no more.  I will remember, I will honor their lives.  I will laugh at the funny memories.  I will cry at the unfairness of lives cut too short, too soon.  But, I am alive.  My Journey is not yet over.  I have much to do.   Places to go, people to see, destiny to fulfill, lives to impact.  I have much left to accomplish.  James & Dave have reminded me of that.

Thanks my brothers!!  Til we meet again, on the Other Side...or the next time you know I need a visit.

~~blessed be...

Step back, breath...

    The present

+ an attitude of gratitude

+ positive action

__________________

= my perfect life.

Excerpt from: Living a Five Star Life,

by Betty Mahalik

http://www.simpletruths.com/

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I have much for which I am grateful.  Sometimes I get so hung up in looking into the future that I forget to stop & simply say "Thank you" for all that I have today.  After all, today is really all we have.  As the saying goes, "Life is what happens when we are making plans".  That is so very true, & I have seen it first-hand on more than one occasion.  Plans are good, but not when the planning of  Life hampers the Living of Life.  Life is meant to to be a full-out, adrenaline pumping, head-long race.  Not to a goal so much as to an Adventure.  At least that is what it has always been for me.   The Adventure of  Living  is what makes Life so exciting, fulfilling, & worth-while.  Because when you are in that Adventure you experience, truly experience, all that Life has to offer.  Mostly good, but some tragic.  But it is through tragedy that we learn to savor the good times, to remember that Life is short-lived (shorter for some than others), & that we must take time for what is truly important.  Love, living fully, service to others, compassion, acceptance, humility, humanity, tolerance.  To serve & love others as much or more than yourself is truly a Life well lived.

So, today I stopped, took a deep breath, & remember all the things (in no particular order) for which I am grateful:

• Great friends
• A job
• A lovely home
• A reliable car
• Good health
• My sanity
• The ability to do as I please with my free-time
• Sitting on the back patio at sunset with my pupsters enjoying the last vestige of the day
• Watching the sun go down, the moon come up & the stars coming out to play
• Watching lightening bugs dance across the yard
• Listening to the doves coo
• Watching the sun come up & the world come alive
• Being greeted with puppy kisses & hugs
• The smiles that light up the faces of my grandchildren
• Laughter
• A day filled with sunshine
• A little jingle in my pocket for a treat now & then
• A personal relationship with Great Spirit
• A loving relationship with my son & his family
• Beautiful, smart, happy, healthy grandchildren

The list could go on, but I think you get the idea.  It is the simple things, the things that we all go to work each day to provide ourselves & our family.  It is the things that cannot be bought with the fruits of our labors.  It is all the things with which we are blessed.  Not because we deserve any of  them, but because the Universe saw fit to give them to us.

So, let's just stop-step back-breath-& say "Thank you". 

~~blessed be...

Musings on a rainy Sunday afternoon

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -Lao Tzu

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Got a real surprise Friday afternoon just before 5pm.  The boss & his wife took me out for coffee at a local coffee shop near the office.  We had a very nice chat, enjoyed a very nice coffee frappe, & it started the weekend off pleasantly. 

Spent several hours in Ada on Saturday. Sparky was behind in his filing.  That is really a misstatement since he never files.  So, I should say I was very behind in my filing.  Got it all taken care of in about 90 minutes.  He had sold his older bucket truck (one we bought 10 yrs ago) & the buyer came to pick it up.  Kinda bitter sweet because I remembered when we went to Springfield, MO to get it, driving it back to OK, then all the times I drove it on jobs with him, & the times I actually worked up in the bucket.   So much has happened in that 10 yrs.  We went to lunch with a couple who have been his friends for over 20 yrs to celebrate her birthday.  Went to the new Chinese restaurant.  Very good food.  They actually had sushi & a mongolian grill not to mention way too many selections on the buffet.  Then I came home early afternoon, did laundry, & hung out with the pupsters.  It rained all day, into the night, & is still raining.  I have spent today cleaning the kitchen, watching movies, then I made buffalo chili.  Turned out really good.  Lots of spices.

The quote above really spoke to me today.  In fact, it would have spoken to me on any day lately.  I never, ever expected to still be in OK in 2010.  My plans 5 1/2 yrs ago were to move to Seattle.  I like Seattle, I liked the life I had there with my Big Guy (he is still there, has a very nice life, & is getting his business going).  I miss the social life I had there. 

The photo is the sunset off Mallory Square in Key West.  That is where my heart is & has been since I went there on a trip my brother requested (he called it his Make a Wish trip).  I love the ocean, the beach, the sun, the laid back lifestyle.  I like the ecclectic vibe.  I like the nightlife.  But mostly I like the acceptance of everyone's exintricities.   It is a place where you can just "be".  I long to just be. 

I know it is time to get back to my writing.  Back to the novel that has been shelved for way too long.  I have had a hard time getting back to my life since my brother died.  I got so wrapped up in his care, in his cancer, that I lost myself.  I lost my drive to live my dream.  I lost my creativity.  I do not in any way regret devoting my life to my brother during his illness.  It was an honor & a priviledge to serve him, to take care of him, to do all that needed to be done.  But here I am, almost six years later, still trying to get back to myself.  For some reason, I have found that very hard to do in OK.  I love OK, don't get me wrong.  She is the land of my birth, red dirt flows in my veins, I am an Okie.  But I am more.  That more is difficult to grasp in the circle in which I now exist.  Sparky has never lived more than 30 miles from where he was born, & that is ok.  He is content, it is the life he wants.  For me, I have been to the city & I have seen the elephant.  My horizons have expanded so far beyond the horizon I can see from my window.  I miss seeing the elephant.  I miss stimulating conversations.  I miss the arts, discussing best sellers, exploring out of the way neighborhoods.  I miss trying new, exotic, ethnic restaurants.  I miss festivals, & walks in parks. 

I live 1.5 hrs from two large cities, 4 hrs from another one.  When we go to these cities for a day, I always remember that Sparky does not "get" what I like to do.  He is not a walker (that has to do with a foot problem).  He is not a lover of art, movies (I am a fanatic for movies, but have not been "to the movies" since I quit going to Seattle), or music other than metal or oldies Rock.  He has never read a book so while I can browse in a bookstore for hours, he cannot.  I did get him to try Latin food the other day, but he does not have adventurous taste buds either.  He is steady, a good man, & I am told often (by others) how lucky I am to have him in my life.  I am blessed, I know that.  But I am dying in my spirit. 

I do go out of town by myself every other month or so.  I get my hair trimmed, I eat Indian food at a restaurant I really like, I explore out of the way shops I have heard about.  But, I need to sit down in a coffee shop with like-minded friends & have real talks. 

I am at a crossroads in my life.  I know what my heart tells me, but I also know that I am "stuck" here in many ways.  Mostly because the job market is terrible.  I am not 20 any more.  When I was, I just picked up & went.  Now I think about reinventing myself rather than just doing it.   I have obligations that I could not handle if I lived in Key West or Seattle, or Montana.  It appears that I will be in OK for many more years.  How do I get my life back, stay here, & not lose myself in the process?  How do I find what I gave up when I moved back here?   

Whiney aren't I?  I think the weather gets me thinking like this.  I need sunshine, hot weather, I need to go for a long run.  Make that a walk, I might be a little out of shape to start with a run. LOL

I need to take time each day to write.  I need to get together with my "big city" friends.  I need a day to "do lunch", go out for coffee, listen to music, sit at a sidewalk cafe', browse a bookstore, have a stimulating conversation with friends who have diverse views.  I need mental stimulation.  I need to go sit on a rock & contemplate.  I need to not just recharge my Spirit, but I need to replenish my well that has run dry. 

I need to find myself again.

~~blessed be...

The Perfect Family...

"So the Perfect Family wasn't so perfect after all".  That's what Sparky said when I told him the story of my childhood.  The REAL story.  Authentic, truthful, full of pain, drama, intrigue, and lies.  Telling that story is a part of my healing, a part of living a healthy life.

Last night my Mom called to chat and to let me know that my step-dad is having some routine procedures done next week.  He likes for me to be informed & had told her to call me.  Pops loves me!! And I feel blessed to finally have a "Dad" who actually likes me & wants to spend time with me.  As it always happens when Mom & I talk the conversation was turned to my daddy, by Mom.  She says she has let go of the past, but with every conversation she goes back to it, back to events that are very painful.  What she doesn't realize is that with each telling of the "facts" she gives me more of the "truths" & I find out that what she told me originally, time-line wise, is not true.  She knew the facts a lot longer than she originally told my brother & me.  It really does not matter at this point in time, but it sure explains much more.  While I still don't really remember my childhood, she does fill in some blanks. 

I have been thinking about this post for months.  I thought about it last night & went back & forth on whether or not I would even write it.  But, this year I have promised myself that I would write the truth of my Journey, whatever that might be & where ever it might lead, either currently or in my past, with complete truth & authenticity.  Yesterday I saw a report on the news about a young man who killed the man who had molested him as a child then continued, allegedly, to stalk him as an adult.  The wife of the slain man has asked that the young man not be given prison time, not be charged with murder because she believes "my husband had a secret life."  That opened up a big can of worms for me.  So, here is my truth...

My dad molested at least one boy (who as a young adult returned to that small town in OK to blackmail my daddy-looking for $20,000 to go away.  He didn't get the money because my Mom bluffed him, stood up & refused to pay.  He went away, but I think my dad may have given him the money.), maybe two.  For all I know there were more.  I have spoken about this but I have never written those words before.  That was harder than I thought.  I know he did not abuse his children in that manner.  I know this for a fact about my brother although Mom says there was an "incident" with my brother when he was a baby that made her very uncomfortable & that after that she never allowed either of us to be alone with our dad.  That is why he never went to father/daughter functions with me, Mom would tell him it wasn't important & that I didn't care one way or the other (I did though, it hurt me so much that I never could attend those functions with my daddy & I never knew until recently that Mom kept this from happening because she did not want him to be alone with me).  There was the time that he exposed himself to me when I was 15 or 16.  I never told anyone until I was in intensive therapy when I told my therapist.  Later I told my Mom.  There is one incident when I was 5 that I can only remember up to a certain point then nothing.  It was when I was alone with my daddy.  I shared this in therapy & know that I can probably undergo hypnosis & remember but I am not sure I want to at this point in my life.  I have come out the other side on so much & what would it solve.  I shared this with my Mom also & she has pretty much poo-pooed the whole thing, but I understand that is a defense mechanism for her.  

I have strong feelings that my daddy should have gone to jail for what he did--I can never forgive what he did nor can I justify it.  I also cannot justify or forgive the fact that when my Mom knew for certain she did nothing, kept quiet, kept up appearances.  That just goes against all that I believe is right.  My Mom knows intellectually that this should have happened-he should have been sent to jail, he should have had to make amends when she became aware of the scope of the abuse, but to this day she feels that would have as she says "ruined" all of our lives.  That we would have had to move away from my hometown.  She believes that stigma would have scarred my brother & me for life.  Hell, we were scarred anyway by the childhood we had to live.  Could it have really been any worse?  Would have knowing the truth, living the truth perhaps set us free?  Would we have been healthier sooner if the lies had not been told?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I am free now.  Free of believing I was somehow less than I needed to be in order to be loved by my daddy.  After all these years, it wasn't me.  I could have saved myself a lot of wrong roads in life, a few bad choices, & perhaps had a marriage that actually lasted had I only known the truth. 

What I do wonder about my dad is this.  I know he was gay, I know he had relationships with men.  One of them was a really nice man who was very good to my brother & me.  He & daddy took me to see the movie Pollyanna-it is one of my favorite childhood memories.  He spent time at our house, he brought us gifts-a stuffed poodle was my favorite.  We (including my Mom) visited his house.  What caused my dad, later, to become interested in young boys, teenagers?  That is not typical of a gay man.  I have many gay friends - they are not like that.  I like my gay friends, I respect them.  In fact, I love my gay friends.  They treat me with such respect & love.  I would have been happy to say "My dad is gay", I would have been fine if he had a partner.  I would have embraced that, but I just cannot wrap my mind around the other.  These are questions that will never be answered in this Life.  But what I do know is this, I chose this Journey these parents when my Spirit chose to have a human experience.  I am only now beginning to understand the full extent of the lessons those choices are teaching me.   Someday, I will be fully Enlightened & will know all the answers.  For now, I walk my Path.

~~blessed be...

T.G.I.F. Ramblings

It's here, it's here...FRIDAY!!  Certainly the last three days have been better than my Monday.  But, then that wouldn't have taken alot. 

I am looking forward to my weekend, supposed to be in the 70's here tomorrow.  Just might be a good day for a walk in the park with one or all three of the furkiddos.  They need a good long walk & so do I.  Could be just want I need to jumpstart my waning exercise program.  The yoga & pilates dvd's are lying on top of the tv ready to load into the player.  I know how good I feel when I exercise each morning, but I have just been lazy.  Shape up, girl!!  Get with the program!!

I was watching Sober House w/Dr. Drew last night & I thought how blessed I am.  I never went to rehab, detoxed on my own, & worked the Steps like a maniac so that I could start my life over.  That's been over 15 yrs now.  What I have learned during those years couldn't all be listed here if I wrote all day.  What I do know without a doubt is that I am an addict.  I have an addictive personality so I must be ever vigilent.  I don't crave drugs anymore, haven't for years.  I don't even take aspirin.  Decided to handle depression without drugs.  Didn't like the way anti-depressants made me feel.  Basically, because I felt nothing at all.  I was numb all the time.  Wasn't depressed, wasn't anything.  So, I decided that I needed to feel the feelings & learn to deal with them.  Oh, sometimes the darkness threatens & sometimes I take a moment to acknowledge it.  But I do not allow it to take over.  I know that if I stay in touch with my feelings, acknowledge them, & work through them I will be alright.  I know that I have a chemical imbalance.  I treat it naturally.  But just knowing that it is chemicals, not insanity has really helped.  It is easy to sink into insanity when you are not insane.  I've been crazy & this Life I have now is much better.  I am much better.  So, self-medicating is no longer an option for me.  I am choosing to live a healthy life.

I have learned that liquor is not a problem even though I was a binge drinker for many years.  I can have a beer with bar-b-que or Mexican food & I am lucky to finish it.  I can have a glass of Merlot sitting on the patio enjoying the last rays of sunshine on a lovely day with a dog on my lap.  Don't even get a buzz.   So no more black-outs, no more hangovers.  Thank Great Spirit for that!

While I will not mention her name here, the therapist I saw for several years got me through the rest of the rough spots & I am deeply grateful.  She blessed me beyond measure.  It is a debt I could never repay so I try, in whatever small way possible, to make a difference in someone else's life.  I offer whatever comfort & advice I may have.  I faced my demons, I faced my childhood, I faced the truth about my family.  I looked at all the events that shaped me & I decided what parts I would keep.  There weren't many.  Just stepping back as an observer & looking at my past from the outside was enlightening.  I am glad I was able to look honestly & accept that which I cannot change...those who I cannot change.  I can only change me...& I have. 

The day I sat on my Daddy's grave & said all that had been unsaid for more years than I could count was a freeing moment.  I yelled, I cried, I talked.  Then I told him I would not be back.  I haven't.  No more flowers left, no more trying to make him be the Dad I wanted even though he has crossed over to the Other Side.  Our moment for any reconciliation is long past.  He has been dead for 24-25yrs, and the moment had passed long before that.   I can only hope that his Spirit is free at last.  His demons were far greater than mine.  And he left this Life with much on his soul.  I hope he has found peace.  I have. 

So, today & everyday, I walk with a smile & an appreciation of how good life can be, how happy one can be when acceptance, peace, & contentment are chosen.  When asked "How are you?" my response "Fabulous, as always!!"

~~blessed be...

Are you a "Girly Girl"?

I have never described myself as a "girly" girl.  When I heard that term I always thought of a very frilly, bouncy type of female.  You know all kinda "cotton candy-like".  I am more the jeans, leather jacket, t-shirt, & boots kinda gal.  Hanging with the guys.  Going on Adventures.  I always thought I was too tough, too brash, too outspoken to be defined as "girly". But, I do wear jewelry.  Lots of jewelry.  Always have.  I pile on the bracelets, rings, & never go out without earrings.  I wear make-up.  Less than I used to but much more artfully applied than in the "blue eyeshadow days".  And I do like for my hair to look good.  Not "done" but casually attractive-I don't mind if it gets blown around in the convertable or on the back of a Harley, but I want to be able to brush it, shake it out & look good when I get out.  Back in the day,  I wore braids quite often, ususally just one long one down my back.

Then, one day several years ago, a guy I know called me a "girly" girl.  WHAT????!!??  He went on to say that of course I was "girly", that in fact I was quite "girly".  Some of it had to do with my figure (I am curvy), but mostly he said it had to do with the fact I wear makeup, do my hair, & wear jewelry even when I am in jeans, t-shirt, boots, & leather.  Also because I will not leave the house without earrings.  Who knew that made you "girly".  So, I took a poll of the guys I know.  BIG SURPRISE...they ALL thought I was "girly".  Guess the fact I can cuss like a sailor does not detract from the overall girliness.  Huh, was I ever surprised that guys see me that way. 

My oldest granddaughter embraces her girliness.  She wears at least one article of pink with everything.  She loves jewelry & has since before she could really talk.  She is one tough little cookie, but she is a girl & likes girl-things.  I was afraid I would not be able to relate to her girliness but I was oh so wrong.  We connect on several levels.  She is a mini-me with the attitude to match.  I am so sorry for that my dear son!!  But it does crack me up big-time.

So, I have embraced my "girliness".  I now relish being girly.  I wallow in girliness.  I strive for girliness & being feminine.  Still don't wear ruffles, but I do pile on the pearls from time to time.  I do wear diamonds occasionally.  And I never leave the house without my earrings.

~~blessed be...

Sometimes I forget...

to stop & say "Thank You!!!". 

An Attitude of Gratitude--something I always strive to have in my daily life.  For several days I have forgotten.  Forgotten that I have so much for which I should be thankful, so many blessings. 

Sometimes we get mired down in the daily grind, & I don't mean that morning cup of coffee.  We muck about in the mud of Life, bogging further down in the crap. At times the crap can threaten to bury us, if we do not shovel fast enough.  Monday I forgot to shovel at all.  And in doing so got swallowed up, buried, & wallowed in the mud, couldn't find my footing.  I had some trouble digging out that day.  But, Tuesday the sun rose in the East, shined brightly on my head (I also had a very good hair day LOL), & I remembered to be grateful.  Grateful for a good paying job (even if I do have "boss issues") in a time when so many are unemployed, grateful for good health (even if I am one of the "uninsured"), grateful for good friends who send love, support, & advice, grateful that I am here in this moment, grateful to be grateful. 

Today, I am back!  Me--positive, hopeful, energetic, happy, ready to keep moving forward.  And, BTW, still having a good hair day!!  Good hair & make-up can really change a woman's attitude, not to mention being at my lowest weight in 10 yrs.  Still not at my goal, still need to exercise EVERY DAY to finish the loss process, but thankful for having to punch more holes in the belt, thankful that I am feeling good.

While working on my meditation today I came across the link listed below.  Just what I needed today to reinforce what I already knew.  Visual reminders are always a good thing.  So I though I would share it.  I hope it blesses your day also.

~~blessed be...

http://www.danceintherainmovie.com/

Someday, once again...

I want to know how it feels to be this kind of "in love". I had that once, & he dedicated this song to me.  Sometimes I miss it, miss it alot.  I like my life & really have no plans to ever marry again.  But, I miss that overwhelming, breath-taking feeling of being totally in love, & of someone being in love with me.  I miss that connection with another person.

The other guy dedicated the following songs to me.  I think of him everytime I hear them.  Takes me back to being young, foolish, in love, thinking I was 10 ft tall & bullet-proof.





 Well, that's just me remembering the guys in my life who loved me...& who I loved.  These two were very bad boys.  But they suited my life at the time 'cause I was livin' the bad girl life.

This next one was dedicated to me by the first boy I ever loved, ever kissed when I was 14.  He is still in my life. And I still love him.  We just cannot seem to get our lives together...together.  I loved you then, I love you now, & I will love you with my last breath.




~~blessed be...

Balancing Act

I Tivo The Today Show every day & watch it when I go home for lunch &/or when I get home at night.  Today there was a segment with Ann Curry (one of my favorite reporters because of the grace & compassion she shows).  All week the anchors have been answering questions from viewers.  Today was Ann's turn & her question was on balancing work & family.  She started the segment saying that several years ago her doctor had asked what she did to balance her life.  She told him about balancing work & family.  He told her that was not what he meant.  He suggested that everyone needs to find their passion & exercise it thereby finding balance within.  Her passion is photography & she talked about that journey.  Also she mentioned that a person should devote one day a week to their passion, to balancing their life.

How many of us do that ?  Not too many I would imagine.  I know that I don't do so on a regular basis.  When I have been away from complete balance in my life is when I get "antsy", when I feel out of whack with myself, when I feel "stuck", when I get to craving an Adventure.  I know how important it is to be balanced- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, & physically-all working together to keep me "healthy" & not obsessed over one thing or another.  When my life has been out of balance is when I have made some of my worst decisions--acted on an impulse--didn't think it through--went off half-cocked--played to my manic side.  Can't call them mistakes because I have taken away something positive from even the most negative of situations.  There is always a lesson to be learned.

This all got me to thinking about what my true passion is in my life.  What makes me feel the most balanced.  What gives me the greatest pleasure.  I, too, like photography but do not devote alot of time to it even though I take my camera everywhere on weekends & days off.  Sometimes I shoot sometimes I do not.  But I love to work in black & white.  I think that produces the truest images.  Especially in people, buildings, & in some sceneries.   It has to do with light & shadows.

I write, but again not as much as I have in the past.  I really enjoy writing.  Ideas are always swirling around in my head.  I jot things down constantly.  Sometimes the ideas show up here, sometimes it is in the fiction I write (short stories, continuations of my novel, beginnings of a new novel).  Many times I think that I should be writing more about the life lessons I have learned.  I used to speak about those quite often in different venues.  One year I did the Vagina Monologues.  I wrote & presented a piece for the end based on my domestic abuse story.  I really enjoyed working on the films I acted in, I enjoyed theatre when I used to do that in high school & college.  But acting is not my passion even though I find it to be a wonderful creative outlet.

But, if I could just quit my job & do anything I wanted with my life it would be two things:

1. Animal Rescue--I have such a heart for homeless dogs.  All dogs no particular breed, I love em all.  Just wish I had a place big enough to keep more.  This is a passion.
2. Holistic healing--I have always wanted to take a massage course & then become a holistic practitioner.  I would really like to use this in the treatment of addiction & domestic abuse.   This is a dream I wish I had pursued years ago, but now it is more a dream than a passion. 

When I dream my life, I see myself in one of two places (a. Montana or (b. Florida Keys, living a very laid-back lifestyle, surrounded by animals, working for my causes, writing & speaking.   I really think that is where my true talent, shall we say, lies.  I don't want to famous or even rich (but then I wouldn't turn it down if it came my way).  I really just want to use my Journey to help others.  I truly believe that I could fulfill my Destiny in this Life by telling my story, be it spoken or written.  Speaking against intolerance, prejudice,& injustice.  Those things are so prevalent in this world.  That, & doing my small part to stop millions of animals from be euthanized each year.  I think these are truly my passions because both are about stopping pain & suffering.

So, for the short-term, I will continue to write, take care of myself so that I can live a completely balanced life, & change what I need to in order to achieve my dreams.  Today, I have been inspired once more to get back to complete Balance.  No more procrastinating about my Yoga, Pilates, walks, riding my bike, my meditations,  & no more just plopping down in front of the TV each night.  First me, then vegging. 

Thanks, Ann Curry, for being you!!

~~blessed be...

Co-Dependent No More...

*******************************************************

I was talking to a very good friend the other night & he was sharing his experiences with the business he is building.  A business, I might add, to which he is very well-suited & quite good at doing the tasks involved.  He is a very talented teacher, is teaching something he loves, & has trained for many years.  He is becoming quite well known in his circle.   As he was sharing some of the business-end stuff (he is undercharging for his services), I commented that he needed a manager to help him figure out the finacial stuff, i.e. class charges, expenses, mileage, pre diem, hotel rates, etc.  He agreed.  He also shared a very nice compliment from his brother "You have become the kind of person you have always admired".  Then my friend shared how hard it is to shut off the dialogue from his childhood-he is the child of an alcoholic & has always been co-dependent, an "I'll fix everything for you" kinda person.  The dialogue of "You are a disappointment", "You have let us down", "You have failed at everything", etc, etc.  This guy is very intellegent, has been through therapy, knows the psyco-babble & yet when he is on the cusp of succeeding the mind talk starts.  You know what I mean, that little voice that keeps getting louder while replaying the soundtrack of your childhood.  The crappy soundtrack, the one you should not have bought.  But the tapes still exist, & you just cannot seem to throw them out with the rest of the trash.

I am a survivor of domestic abuse, as ya'll know.  But I can tell you that the tape in my head from childhood has been the hardest to quiet.  The bruises healed, I moved on with my life, I broke all ties with my abuser.  I don't remember how bad my back hurt when I thought it was broken.  What I do remember are the hurtful words my dad spoke to me throughout my childhood & teenage years.  I could sit here right now & write every one of them down.  That is the deepest hurt, the pain that surfaced over & over through the years.  Those wounds take so much longer to heal.  So I understand exactly what my friend is saying.

I can thank the most wonderful therapist for helping me quiet the voice, to see my worth, to believe in myself, & to find a new tape to play in my head when I think I can go no further.  It takes so much hard, continuing work to get past co-dependency.  Quite frankly, as with any addiction, you are never really "healed" you just learn to do better, to be better, to stop the cycle.  I do believe co-dependency is a form of addiction.  You become addicted to the feeling, to being responsible for everyone's well-being, to smoothing out all the bumps in the road for everyone else, but never for yourself.  You get high off their compliments telling you how wonderful, smart, competent you are.  When that is withdrawn the lows are intolerable, unmanagable.  That is why most co-dependents also self-medicate. 

You are told that if you take care of yourself you are selfish.  But taking care of yourself is the most selfless act you can perform.  You cannot be a healthy, fully functional person if you do not take care of yourself.  You must take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  No other person can give this to you for it is a private Journey.

Being in recovery from co-dependency colors my life daily.  It is something of which I am acutely aware in all my relationships.  One of my AHHH HAAAA moments occured when my Mom started her ususal dialogue to get me to do something she wanted (there is a certain tone she has to her voice when this is about to occur), but that I had no intention of doing.  In the past I would have said no, argued, lost my temper, then ultimately done it anyway & hated myself for it.  The first time I said no, meant it, & stuck to it was such an epiphany.  I was not angry, I did not argue, I did not make excuses.  I simply said no.  I did this with Sparky once also.  There was something he wanted to do one weekend that I did not want to do, an event I did not want to attend.  So, I said no. He was shocked.  He called another friend, he was busy.  Called me back. I still said no.  He waited awhile & called me again.  Didn't want to go alone, would I go?  "No".  Then came the kicker, "You aren't going to change your mind are you?" "No, I am not".  That was the moment.  The moment that I knew that if our friendship hinged on me going, I did not care.  He still calls, we still go places.  But when I want to do my own thing without him I do so. If I don't want to do what he wants, I don't.   I have no fear that he "won't like me".  I have no fear that my Mom "won't love me" if I deny a request.   If a relationship hinges on me making all the concessions then it is not a real relationship-it is not a true friendship.  And, after all these years, I do not feel badly about saying no to requests.  I don't have the voice yacking at me telling me what a worthless person I am because I chose to say no. 

I still remember the day my therapist told me to find a mantra for my self-worth, & to say it to myself every day looking in the mirror.  I was so resistant.  It went against all I had ever known to say something good, affirming, or positive about myself.  Other people were supposed to give me my self-esteem & self-worth.  I wasn't good enough to do that for me.  But she insisted.  I finally came up with a compliment that a cowboy walked up to the bar where I was working one day & said to me.  "You are a handsome woman".  I have remembered that for 20+ years.  It came at a time in my life where I was so low, & it came out of the blue.  It was sincerely said, because he walked away after saying it.  So, for a very long time that was my daily mantra "You are a handsome woman".  One day I began to believe it, & so much more about myself.

Today, I am whole.  Sometimes still a little crazy, but in a way that I think everyone is crazy.  I am my own best friend, I live comfortably inside my own skin.  I have friends who love me just as I am, friends who see into my heart & Spirit.  I have found my authenticity, my Truth, & love for myself.  In finding that in me, others have been able to see it & to accept me as I am.  In that Circle of Life, I have found true worth, true peace, true harmony.  I am co-dependent no more.

~~blessed be...

Night is darkest before Dawn, coldest before Sunrise...

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

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Not only does this apply to the Seasons but also to our lives.  No matter how dark the moment, how lost we feel, Light does come & we find ourselves once more.   Once again able to walk in Joy, in Grace, & in Love.  I think that is the most enlightening part of going through "things" be it a tragedy, a death, a loss of any kind, or just a dark, lonely period of life.  I learned long ago that I could wallow in the self-pity, remorse, sadness, or "wishing it was all different" mode, blame others, or I could face it, deal with it, learn the lesson I was meant to learn from the experience, & then move forward without regret.  Move forward & live with Joy & Grace.  Spread Love, a pure honest authentic Love, to those with whom I come in contact.

Believe me, it is not easy to face all situations with Grace much less give Love to someone who has just royally rained on my parade.  I was sharing my last two weeks experiences with my boss with a very dear friend last night & he said to me "Obviously, he does not know with whom he is dealing"  I laughed because that was so true.  I could just turn & walk away or take offense (which I do sometimes, silently) at what he says to me & how he treats me.  I could really mess with him, but I do not.  It would just not be right.  I have to consciously make myself think how scary it must be for someone in their 70's who cannot even turn on the computer, much less get information from it to have to rely on someone else, completely, for the information necessary to run their business.  It takes a huge amount of trust. Therein lies the problem, he really does not trust or appreciate what I do.  That hurts.  So, I have to get past Ego & take a deep breath, figuratively walk away, regroup, then continue doing my job.  Grace.  I ask for Grace each day, moment by moment sometimes.  Because when I have Grace & Love for my fellow person I have Joy within myself. 

Life is too short to live without Grace, Love, & Joy.  Honor is important too.  I know I am an honorable person, a "handshake" kind of person.  I give my word on something & it is not necessary to have me sign something or "promise".  I gave my word, I "shook" on it therefore I will do it no matter what else happens.

Oh, I still blow-off steam, vent my frustrations, talk about how I would like to handle some situations, but in my heart of hearts I know that I will always do the "right" thing no matter how unjust the situation may be.  Because, in the end, I have to live with me.  In the end, I have to face the woman in the mirror.  And, ultimately, I have to answer for the decisions I make, the actions I take.  Karma will bite you in the butt if you are not careful.  The Universe will shift, & I prefer that shift be a positive one.  So, I strive each day to walk with Grace, live in Love, feel Joy.  That is, for me, being authentic & true to myself.

~~blessed be...

Thinking...

I'm sad today for someone I don't even know, will never know. My boss's nephew took his own life on Saturday.  My heart breaks for the family.  For the Mother whose only child no longer walks in this world, the Wife who heard the shot, the Family left to wonder Why?

One of my cousin's took her life 40 years ago (she was just out of her teens), a month ago a childhood friend took his life.   I said today that nothing is ever so bad that suicide is the answer, but that was said for comfort.  We never know how bad it has really become in someone else's life.  How unbearable may be the burden, how terminal the illness, how heavy the load, how helpless the feeling, how deep the depression.  Those who are healthy make the statement I made today for a healthy Spirit cannot imagine ending its own Life.  But I have walked in the land of darkness where the only answer seems to be to move out of this Life to the Other Side.  I know how deep the depression can get, how heavy the load, how helpless the situation can seem.  I know the voice that encourages you, tells you it will be better when you are gone from this world.  I know what it feels like to have the gun in my hand or the razor blade poised over a vein.What the voice does not tell you is the pain your leaving will cause, the void in the hearts of others, the pain they feel because there is no answer to their "Why?", the guilt that will never leave the ones left behind to carry on, move forward, but never really heal.  No last chance to say I love you, no chance to save you, nothing but pain.

So today, I thank Great Spirit that I am no longer trapped in the Darkness.  But I cry for those who are still feeling their way trying to find the Light, the Door, some relief, an answer.  Anything to quiet the voice, still the fear, calm the situation, kill the pain, open the heart, let in the joy.  Anything just to live.  And for all their families I pray.

blessed be...

What shaped you?

I just finished watching "The Great Debaters", & I was struck by how we are shaped by that which we experience in Life.  Experience during our "formative" years.  I think those years are different for each of us & encompass many years, spanning decades off & on.  We form who we are over many years.  We do not just emerge fully adult at the end of our teens or early 20's.  Sometimes we do not know fully who we are & what we are meant to accomplish until we are in our 40's or 50's.  And sometimes we are still finding out about ourselves as we approach 60. 

I am in the Autumn of my life.  I have lived more years than I have left.  That is not fatalistic thinking, but the truth.  I am 58 yrs old.  At best I could have 40 yrs left.  Perhaps less.  The women in my family live well into their 80's & I have always thought I would see 100 yrs.  Every day I learn something new about myself.  Sometimes I learn that I am not so different than I was at 16.
I have always been idealistic, a dreamer.  Always have lived more in my heart & my Spirit, in my head more than in the World.  I never found the World to be a welcoming place.  For many years it was a very scary place for me.  I felt very ill-equipped to survive.  But I found a deep-seated belief within my Spirit.  A knowledge that there is truly a purpose to my Life.  Why else would I have chosen this particular Journey?

Something that would probably surprise all but those who know me intimately is that I am inherently very shy.  I am not comfortable in large gatherings.  When I was a corporate wife I was almost paralyzed by fear in the "cocktail party" setting.  I think that is probably why I started to drink.  It broke through the ice of my shyness & inhibitions. 

I floated through my 30's, working, being a mother, a wife.  But in my 40's I began to search in earnest for the meaning that was missing inside of me.  I needed to get back in touch with my authenticity.  First I had to figure out what was really authentic about me.  I had played a role in my life since childhood & finding the true authentic fiber of me was not an easy task. 

I have very little memory of my childhood so I had very little to draw on that made up "me" from the early years.  As a young adult I let others define me.  I became whatever & whoever the latest man in my life wanted me to be.  It was hard removing that which was false & replacing it with that which was true.   Getting clean & sober, working the Steps, meditating, inward searching all allowed me to discard that which had never defined me & replace it with what really defines me.  I did, & still do, alot of reading.  I found my Spiritualism.  I acknowledged my second sight (which has been with me all my life) & began to embrace seeing that which is unseen to most.  I began to listen to my inner voice, to Great Spirit.  I speak often of being given my Totem, the Great Grey Wolf, but he has been with me since I was 9 or 10.  I consciencely acknowledged him in my late 30's & fully embraced his presence in my 40's. 

I reflect on the defining moments in my life often, but I think who I am authentically has been shaped by things that are deeply hidden in my past.  Things I may never remember.  Things that may be best left unremembered except in my DNA, in the deep recesses of my Spirit.  Those I believe are what has given me my lack of prejudice, my humility, my compassion, my acceptance, my love for people, my lack of judgement.  I am not the person I was once upon a time, but I am the person I was sent to this Life to become, & each day I become more authentic.  I hope I have enough years left to learn all that I wanted to accomplish when I set out on this Journey.  I hope I have enough years left to become the Enlightened Person I am meant to be. 

blessed be...