Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Cinderella, Snow White, & all that jazz




Seems like all the stories I read as a kid started with "once upon a time" & ended with "and they lived happily ever after."  I chased that stupid fairy tale for way too many years. 

I was raised in a time when a girl was expected to marry & have children.  Oh, you could be a teacher or work in an office but that was just to supplement, help out, not as a career.  I once overheard my Mom tell one of her friends that they sent me to college to find a husband.  I found one alright. 

It took me 20 yrs & two failed marriages to learn that I could rewrite the fairy tale.  That happily ever after could happen without a man in my life.  I could build my own life.  I could be happy on my own.  I could be my own person.  I could set the parameters that defined "me". 

I think the biggest disservice that was, and in some instances still is, done to girls is not empowering them to be independent, self-sufficient, giving them a right to their own voices.  My granddaughters, thank goodness, are being raised to be strong girls.  I sometimes wonder how much more I could have been had my parents thought I was worth more.  I wanted to go to law school, but I got married.  I loved being on stage but I gave up theater because I was a "wife".  I allowed another person to define me.  Actually I allowed many people to define me.  My first brave act was to get a divorce & become a single parent.  My folks were livid.  But, for the first time in my life, I stood my ground.  Still, I felt like I was a failure unless I was "married".  So, I made mistake #2.  That one was out of the frying pan & into the fire.  By then I was so spinning out of control.  I was so damaged that I self-medicated to stop the pain.

Then, one day many years later, I woke up.   Actually, I had been slowly awakening for years.  A couple of strong women helped me along the way.  One day I realized how sick & tired I was of being sick & tired.  I knew that unless I left my marriage & got myself straight I was going to die.  Either he would kill me or I would kill myself - overdose, car wreck, suicide.  I was slowly dying in body, mind, spirit.  But one day I kenw I wanted to live.  I wanted a life.  So, I walked out.  Oh, even though I left physically it was harder to leave emotionally but step by step I was able to do that also.

Has the road been easy?  No, it has not.  Has the Journey been worthwhile?  Absolutely!!  Every day I learned more about myself - the good, the bad, the mediocre.  I chose who I wanted be.  I found my spirituality.  I turned my back on organized religion because it does not work for me - too much hypocracy.  But I have a very deep, personal relationship with Great Spirit.   I read The Bible, The Koran, The Book of Morman, the Dalai Lama, the writings of Buddha, Gandhi, Black Elk, Chief Seattle, Wayne Dyer, TD Jakes, Max Lucado, books on Native Spirituality.  I read alot.   Through all that reading I found my beliefs, my ethics, my moral compass.

So, happily ever after does exist.  It lives in my house.  It lives in my soul.  I am happily ever after because I choose happiness, contentment, peace, joy, & love each day.   So, ask "How are you?" to me & you will get my answer "Fabulous, as always!"

~~blessed be...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

August 26, 1966



This morning one of the maintenance men at work stopped by my office (everyone was gone but me) & said there was a delivery in the lobby.  So I went out to pick it up.  Florist with flowers & when I looked at the card my name was on it.  What a wonderful surprise!! 

44 yrs ago today I met the love of my life...the longest relationship I have had.  It has endured three marriages (two of mine & one of his).  We have never made it down the aisle, but we were engaged for several years not so long ago.  He is my Big Guy, lives in Seattle.  I write about him & our odessesy quite often.  He is the one constant in my life for all these years.  The one person who knew me then, that smalltown girl from OK & he is the one who knows me now.  Still a smalltown girl from OK but one who has seen so much - had such adventures, tragedies, joys, heartbreak, happiness.  He knows the woman I have grown to be, my beliefs, my morals, my ethics.  He knows me better than anyone ever has.  He accepts me, & all that makes me who I am, unconditionally.  He respects me.  He likes me.  And he loves me. 

He was beside me when my brother got his final diagnosis.  He was with us in Key West (I think we will go back there together one day. Remember old memories, make new one).  He was the one I called late at night when it all got to be so overwhelming.  He was my rock.  He was with me when my brother died.  He was beside me at the wake, the funeral, the cemetery.  He got me through those first days of grief.   He was the one who took care of me when I physically collapsed.  He has always been in my heart from the time I was 14 yrs old.  He was my first kiss.  My first love.  My true love.

He has sent me red & yellow roses for years on our anniversary but I am always surprised when they arrive.  Red ones for each decade (they signify love), yellow ones for each year in the decade (yellow roses are my favorite & also signify friendship).  So this year it was 4 red & 4 yellow.   And I was, once again, touched & surprised.  It made my day, & I felt loved, special, cherished.  That is after all our song....Cherish by The Association.  I hear that song & remember his Mom bringing me the 45rpm from him so many years ago when he was attending Staunton Military Academy in VA & his folks came to OK to visit his Mom's family.   We ususally call each other when we hear it on the radio. 

So, today is my 44th Anniversary!  The only one I celebrate.  One day, every year, I am once again 14.  First kiss, first love.   I do love you Big Guy!!  Forever...

~~blessed be...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I know you're out there somewhere...

That Moody Blues song has been running through my head for weeks.  Sometimes the whole song, sometimes just that phrase.  I've been wondering exactly what it means.  Could just be the fact that I really like that song, could be something else.  I really think that it has alot to do with the fact that my life is going really good.  I love my new job so that part of my life is stablized.  I am in such a good place right now.  Peaceful, contented, happy - a really good place emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.  These aspects have never all come together at the same time before.  I am liking the feeling.  I am happy where I live, my house is perfect for me & the furry kids.  I am comfortable being me.   Life is just plain good.  I really don't ever want to marry again & I  love living without another human in the house.  I like being on my own making my own decisions.  The relationship I am in is completely plutonic & that is the way I want it.  I love the guy, but as a very good friend.  I am not "in love" with him nor is he in love with me.  We're buddies, we hang out, we share our lives.  We are a team, we watch out for each other, we have each other's back.

I have been deeply, completely in love & I have been loved that way in return. I am loved that way now by a wonderful man I have known for 44 yrs-unconditionally, accepted just as I am.  It's a good feeling, but it is not a marriage thing it is a lifetime friendship kinda thing.  But, I keep having this feeling -- You're out there somewhere.  If you are, you're gonna have to find me 'cause I'm not out there looking for you.  My life is complete & to go through what is involved in adding a new person to the mix is just not worth it to me unless it is going to be a spectacular, soulmate, forever kinda thing.  And you are going to have to pursue me, love the furbabies, accept my beliefs, & give me my space.  You are gonna have to fall in love with me & convince me fall in love with you.  You need to have a good job, money in the bank, & the ability to take care of me financially (in my last marriage I was that person so now it is someone else's turn). It's alot to ask of another person.  But, you just might be out there...somewhere.  And I just might find out that there is room in my life for you.

~~blessed be...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Over the Rainbow




This evening, on Hwy 75 between Denison & Sherman, TX there was the most beautiful rainbow that seemed to last forever.  The colors were vibrant & so alive.  The greatest feeling of peace & joy washed over me.

Driving back to OK on Hwy 84, the top down on the 'Vette with the wind blowing across my face I felt so alive, so free.  It has been 15 yrs since I was on the back of a Harley, but tonight I had that same feeling again.  The darkest night, a cool breeze blowing through my hair, across my face.  The feeling of flying through the darkness toward home.  I think that must be the feeling when you die.  Pure joy, freedom, & excitement with the wind whipping you along toward Home.  I know why my brother was smiling when he crossed over. 

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Tonight the air smelled so clean, just a hint of rain still in the air.   The air was fresh & I just couldn't suck it into my lungs fast enough.  I just settled down in the seat, closed my eyes, breathed deeply & lost myself in the music, the night, the darkness.  I could have driven back roads all night just letting my senses experience the darkness, the smells, the feel of the wind, the coolness on my skin.  There in the darkness it was like being alone to truly experience the Universe as it readied the night.  The stars popped out, I could imagine that the nightbirds were beginning to call in faraway fields, the night creatures beginning to emerge for their adventures.  Somewhere I am sure a coyote howled, but I could not hear it.  Then as the night begins to turn to day the night creatures will scurry home to sleep & the day will awaken with the calls of birds.  I love to hear the cooing of the doves as day breaks.  The sun will rise, the day will be come hot, & all will seek shelter in the shade of trees. 

It is truly the simple things that bring the most pleasure.   Tonight was one of the best nights of my life because I remembered to experience all that was around me in the moment.  To live completely in the Now.  To see the beauty of a hot day turning to a lovely night.  To know that all was right with the Universe.  To know that generations of people had experienced that same beauty.  The Circle of Life goes round & round.  It stops for no one but we can stop & experience the Moment.  "Life is not about the breaths we take, but about the Moments that take our breath away". 


~~blessed be...



Monday, August 2, 2010

A nice surprise




Thanks to Yeve Eeffoc for visiting, & for the award. It's always nice to get a new reader, & a wonderful surprise to get an award.  You can visit her at




                   Here are the rules that go along with receiving the award:

a) Thank the person who gave you this award


                         b) Tell 7 things about yourself

                         c) nominate 15 newly discovered blogs to share this award!

a)...Done!

b)...here goes:

  1. I recently started a new job as you know if you have been reading lately.  The previous job was just a real drag with way too much drama.  The new one is FABULOUS!!  Wonderful, hard-working people who come to work to...are you ready...WORK!!  What a concept.
  2. I have one son, one daughter-in-law, 3 grandchildren.  They are the gifts that I did not deserve, but am so blessed to have received. 
  3. I have rediscovered friends from highschool through Facebook.  Actually, not really hang out kinda friends in highschool just had classes together knew who they were kinda friends (as is sometimes the case in small towns where you do "know" everybody).  I have a very strong connection with one & she has become a very important member of my Tribe.
  4. I have the gift of second sight.  I see what others do not or cannot.  I have premonitions.  I interpret dreams & am learning to read Medicine Cards (similar to Tarot but deal with Native American spirit animals)
  5. I live in the "Now".  I experience each day fully, relish in the Adventure each new day brings.  Then I put it to bed & begin again the next day.
  6. I practice Gratitude each & every day.  Even if all I do is say "Thank you" before falling asleep, because no matter the road you are traveling each day is a gift to be treasured.
  7. From each experience, good or bad or in between, there is a lesson to be learned that helps you on your Journey toward your true destiny.  Only when I have failed to recognize the Lesson have I been doomed to repeat it.  Once I have gained the knowledge, I move forward & do not tread that road again.  Sometimes this has been very hard to remember.  At times the lessons were not clear because I was to mired in Ego & refused to surrender to that which is greater than me.  Great Spirit has been patient as I have walked my road.
c)  I nominate all the blogs that are on my sidebar.  They are each exceptional in their own right: insightful, informative, funny, thoughtful, & inspiring.  Check them out for yourself. Be sure to grab the award for yourself when you stop by for a visit & share in the fun.



~~blessed be...

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Free Spirit


I am always amazed when a total stranger "gets" me.  Happened yesterday.  I was getting my hair cut & was using a new stylist.  We had talked about this & that when she made the comment "You are a free spirit".  I laughed & said she was right.  I found it amazing that she figured that out after a hit & miss kind of conversation.  Truly amazing.

I think some of it came from the fact that I was totally relaxed, completely peaceful & content.  No stress.  I started my new job on Thursday.  It is going good, alot to absord & get caught up but I come home tired in a very contented, "got something accomplished" kind of way.  It is a good tired.  I am happy.  Overwhelmed somewhat but happy.  I have a very nice peaceful office.  Everyone works all day, not alot of chatter, so far no drama.  There is a very good vibe in the office.  I noticed that the first time I interviewed there.  Really nice vibe.

I was thinking today how much has changed in my life the last 40 yrs since high school graduation.  Seems so long ago but also such a short time ago.  I have seen so much, experienced so much, had such wonderful adventures, experienced such tragedy & joy.  I am not the Oklahoma Girl I was that May night when I walked across the stage & received my high school diploma nor am I the same Oklahoma Girl who walked across the stage three years later on a hot August morning to receive my BA degree.   How I have grown, but in some ways I have stayed the same only I have become free to be who I was meant to be.  I have courage now that I never thought I possessed.  I have a strength that sometimes is a surprise even to me.  I am gutsy & brave.  Two things I never was in high school or college or even as a young adult.  When ex-husband #2 told me I had changed when I explained why I could no longer be his wife, I agreed.  I explained Life had changed me.  He meant it as an insult, I meant it as a compliment to myself.  If I had not changed I would be dead now.  If I had not changed I would not be who I am today & I like the woman into whom I have evolved.  I like being strong, brave, gutsy, irreverant with a cutting sense of humor, a bend toward scarcasim, a strong belief in Great Spirit, & a deep sense of all that I cannot see.  I am glad to have embraced my gifts, of being able to see what others sometimes cannot, of being in tune with the Spiritual world.  I am happy that I have been able to reinvent the Oklahoma Girl I once was into the Oklahoma Girl I am today.  I have kept that which was good, thrown away that which did not suit me, added the things that I want to be a part of me, embraced those things that make me different from others. I have evolved into a complete person. 

I am fine-tuning the last reinvention right now.  I got stuck for a couple of years in a deadend job that was sucking the joy out of me.  I got mired in someone else's mud.  Well, I just took myself a big old truck & pulled my show out.  I am moving on down the road now, free of mud, following the sun.   I am getting back to the world of positive thinking, knowing that the Universe is indeed spinning in the right direction taking me toward my true Destiny.  I feel hopeful!!  I know that I will be able to work, then leave the work behind when I lock my office door.  I will be able to get back to my writing (not the blog, but my writing that I hope someday will be published), get back to my spiritual practices, my reading, my art.  I will begin again to truly take care of myself -- mind, body, spirit.  I feel free now rather than trapped in a life that I did not want.  There will be changes.  When they will all transpire I do not know, but I know there are a couple of things I need to do for myself so that I can be truly my authentic self.

I do hear the beat of my own drum. I am a free spirit set on experiencing Life & all it has to offer. I love Adventure, I love my Journey, I embrace the lessons I have learned & the ones yet to learn.  I relish what is about to unfold in my Destiny. 

So for now, all I can say is "Look out World" 'cause I'm back.

~~blessed be...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

4:00am

"It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter" -- Marlene Dietrich

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If I was gonna write a song, it would be called 4:00am Friends using the Dietrich quote as part of the chorus.   

It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter
It's the friend who is instantly awake
It's the friend who says "I'll be right there"
It's the friend who flys across the country just because you are in need
It's the friend who never asks "What were you thinking?"
It's the friend who hears your pain
It's the friend who says "I love you-hang on til I get there"
It's the friend who makes a pot of coffee & talks to you on phone while all the world is sleeping
It's the friend who never judges, but offers sound advice
It's the friend who offers counsel & tells you things will turn out alright
It's the friend who says "Come stay with me - we will find the way together"
It's the friend who cries along with you even when they think the guy is a bastard
It's the friend who never says "I told you so"
It's the friend who asks "What can I do, what do you need, are you ok?"
It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter

*********************************

These are the friends that we hope, at least once in our lives, that we have.  It is the friend we hope to be when someone is hurting.  I know who are on that list in my life.  I know who I can, & have called, at 4am.  I know what it is to come instantly awake, ready for whatever that call or knock on the door is bringing.   This is unconditional love, a servant's spirit.  This is truly loving someone else at least as much as yourself but in truth loving them more.  Being ready for spiritual warfare at times, being ready to jump in the truck & load up their stuff at another, or simply being the shoulder they can cry on.  To drive where ever it is that they can be safe.  It is calling the cops because you just might kill the bastard for what he did & he ain't worth sittin' in jail about.  It is crying at the tragedy, comforting others, making breakfast, calling friends & relatives with the news.  It is sitting at a hospital bedside, it is taking charge, it is just being there.  It is sitting quietly because words are not necessary.  It is holding hands because that is all you can do.  It is being strong for someone else & breaking down privately.  It is 4am, & you just got the call.

~~blessed be...


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Women


Oh Thank Goodness, It's Not Just Me! Oh Thank Goodness, It's Not Just Me! Movie

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I had girl friends when I was a child, a teenager, a young woman.  But, oddly enough while I had female friends even a couple I qualified as "best" friends my close friends were all guys.  To this day, I still have very close guy friends.  They are a very important part of my life & a continued blessing. With no romantic ties we just seemed to click, to be able to connect on a different level, to gain insight from one another & to ask those questions you cannot ask or get real answers from a same sex friend (despite what we think, women really don't know what guys are thinking- you actually have to get clarification from a guy). 

In my second marriage I was, due to the abuse that began then escalated, cutoff from my past, my friends, my family.  As I entered my 40's I began to connect with female friends.  I know now that it was Great Spirit sending these particular women into my life to aide me on my Journey, to show me lessons I must learn, to guide me in my Growth.  The first of these women were in my life only for a Season, for the time that we needed each other, for the support, the love, the Growth that I know took place in my life & perhaps in their lives also.   I have completely lost touch with them, but I remember them fondly & cherish the time we had together.  They gave me strength & courage.

As I changed my life, my job, my location in my 40's I found other friends.  One particular young woman was a very unexpected find as a friend.  We were very different, at different places in our Journeys.  Raised differently, with different lives. But, when we worked together we became inseparable.  You very rarely saw one of us without the other.  We were a team & handled the job together.  She is still in my life.  Not daily, but from time to time we reconnect, catch up, chat for hours.  She is still a very important part of my life even though I have not seen her for over 10 years.  She is part of my Tribe, a sister-friend.  I am so proud of her two older children that I have watched grow up through the years to become wonderful, successful, giving, loving individuals who have found their place in the world as young adults.  It has been a pleasure to watch their Journeys from afar.

Over the last 10-12 yrs wonderful women have come into my life at different times.  Two that are also a part of my Tribe, sister-friends, came to me through my dearest brother.  They are a gift he gave me when he knew he would be leaving this Life for the Other Side.

One I have watched grow as a beautiful young woman with a loving, caring, giving Spirit.  She does a Mission trip each year now.  I am so very proud of the woman she is becoming.  She is someone that I "clicked" with immediately.  We live an hour apart & sometimes that is just too far to get together as much as we would like, but when we are together it is a blessing & I cherish her friendship.

The other lives across the ocean much too far for visits, but we stay in touch through FB, blogs, e-mail, & our heart-connection.  She supported Dave & me through his illness & death.  She loved him so much just as I do.  We supported each other when it was learned that her husband had the same cancer as Dave.  Then from thousands of miles apart I supported her as her beloved became more ill & then crossed over to join our darlin' Dave.  She is a part of my Tribe,  my heart-sister, the one who truly understands the struggle, the Journey.  She is my other half that I discovered on a hot Oklahoma afternoon then danced into the night with at a blues club.  We have an unbreakable bond, we have faced death together.  She is embedded deep within my Spirit-inseparable even when separated by distance.

Through this friend I have met, via blog, two wonderful young women in Canada.  I have been through the struggles/disappointments/tragedies in their lives with them.  Able to offer encourgement, sympathy, empathy to wonderful women whom I have yet to meet in person.  I hope to be able to actually just hug, hug, hug them someday.  They are important members of my Tribe also.  My sister-friends from afar.  They are such blessings to me through their wisdom, encouragement, & love for someone they have never met.  But, no matter, we have a strong bond.

Now, in my late 50's (OMG I am older than dirt), I have rediscovered a friend from high school.  We really weren't friends in school, didn't hang out, just had classes together.  Knew each other as kids in HS do.  Then we found each other on FB.  Immediate connection.  Again, separated by three states but not in our Spirits-our hearts.  We talk often by phone, e-mail, FB, text messages.  She is a fixture in my life, a blessing, & I cannot imagine not having her as a friend.   She is my Tribe, my sister-friend.

I have connected with new female friends through this blog.  One wonderful young woman lives in OKC & is such a blessing in my life.  I am old enough to be her mother, but we connect on a level that has nothing to do with age.  It is a spiritual connection.  I so admire her Journey.  Her road has not been easy all the time & she has faced big struggles.  I revel at the grace with which she has faced her life & the challenges.  I am so very proud of her.  When we speak by phone or in person the conversations are easy, carefree, & comfortable.  It is always, from the first moment, as if we have always known each other.  She brings a beauty to my life for which I am so grateful. 

What I have discovered in this Journey is that friendships can come from the most unexpected situations, at the most unexpected times.  Women you would never have thought might be a friend at first glance.  Women you have never met in person, but know so well through their writings.  There are several such women in my life that I visit daily through their blogs.  Sometimes a comment seems necessary, a bit of advice or wisdom to share, a word of encourgement, a hug & a blessing sent through the Universe, a prayer for healing.  They are all important in my Life, a part of this Journey.

The Seasons of My Life are not as long as they once were, I have reached Autumn.  I have friends who are in Spring, Summer, & Autumn.  I pray they will go through Winter with me.  These are the women that I want to see me safely on my Journey to the Other Side.

I dedicate the movie link to each of you: my friends, my Tribe, my sister-friends.  Friendships in my 50's are so much stronger, more appreciated, more loving, more important & meaningful than they ever where in my teens, 20's, & 30's.  Those, somehow, just seem now to have been so superficial even though I know they all shaped me in many different ways.  They allowed me to know the kind of friend I want to be as well as knowing the kind of friends I want in my life.  The Journey of that discovery began with the friends of my 40's & continues.  These are the friends of my Lifetime, forever a part of my Spirit.  I cannot wait to see where all of our Journeys lead us.

So whether it is for a Season or a Lifetime: cherish, honor, love, respect, be there for your female friends because they are a very important part of the Journey.  It is a community of love, strength, support, & caring.

~~blessed be...
 

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

This ain't my first rodeo...

cowgirl request rodeo Images


One of my favorite sayings.  Seems to be appropo in most of my life situations.  I was reflecting on this one day last week when I was facing a situation (nothing serious) where I bit my tongue not to say "This ain't my first rodeo".  How true, how true.  My life has been one "rodeo" after another.  Cowboys, horses (including the iron ones), cattle stampedes, storms, bad guys, oil field workers, saloon girls, the "law", moves across the Country dragging all I owned with me (leaving some along the way). 

Back in the day, I dated a bull rider (he was also a tool pusher with an oil company) & then a calf roper (worked on a ranch).  We hauled to rodeos all over.  Bull riders are crazy.  They have to be. LOL  He failed to give me an important piece of information however---married w/kids.  When I found out (he gave me his home phone number -what a fool- & the wife answered one night), & he finally got me to talk to him,  he told me "I knew if I told you I was married you wouldn't go out with me".  Duh!!  Calf roper was at least single.  Just not stable boyfriend or husband material.  That relationship lasted about 6 seconds.  Then there was the biker who rode a Harley.  Found out he was a member of the KKK.  Ran for the nearest exit on that one too.  He never knew I found out.  

The storms have been of the emotional sort.  They come along in everyone's life.  It is not so much the damage from the storm as how you weather it.   I have weathered them well as it turns out.  Not always so sure when I was in the midst of it all, but looking back it's all good because I walked out with my life, dignity, & self-respect.  I have been battered & bruised but I have not been beaten.  Life has handed me some struggles but I am who I am because of them.  I am a better woman than I could have ever hoped to be if I had not faced adversity. 

I have been considering undergoing hypnosis to try & remember all that I cannot remember of my childhood.  I have very few memories of my years before my late teens early 20's.  Just bits & pieces of things that float up now & again.  Most of my childhood I rebuilt based on talks I had with my brother & things he remembered (he had a very good memory of our childhood, but I am 5 yrs older).  I just cannot remember anything, never could.  I really would like some questions answered but I wonder if knowing would be worse than not remembering.   I just don't know.  I have survived alot in adulthood, & I remember all of it.  Maybe it just isn't important to remember anything else.  Maybe it is all buried in the deep recesses of my mind for a reason.   So, no decision on the hypnosis.  Sometimes I want to, sometimes I say Nay just let it lie.

Yep, this ain't my first rodeo.  And, it won't be my last.  Whatever comes along I know I can not only handle it, I can survive it. 

~~blessed be...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Talking to my angel

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."--Buddha

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My brother played this song for me one afternoon as we were driving home from OKC. He told me he wanted it played at his funeral, & it was. The words speak to me on so many levels. And for some reason when I read the quote above I thought of this song. I think it's because I have health, I am content (as was my brother even when he knew he was terminal), & while neither of us were successful at marriage I know that both of us have/had successful relationships because we are faithful friends.

Yesterday, I got a call from my Big Guy in Seattle to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It was a very nice surprise. He had spoken with his aunt & since his cousin was there they chatted also. As he was concluding our chat, he said "I love you. I told my cousin that we may disagree, argue, etc but I love you & I hope you know that." I told him that I do know that, it is the constant that has been in my life since I was 14. I have never doubted his love. We can't seem to make a life together come together but I have no doubt of his love for me. I love him also. It is the longest relationship of my life, the only truly successful relationship I have ever had with a guy--44 years this Fall. We probably would have destroyed each other if we had actually married that long ago--we were two damaged people who had to find our way to contentment & peace. Don't think we could have done it together because the Journey has lead us down very different paths. Sometimes the paths have converged but mostly not. I cherish him in my life. Someday who knows what may happen, but he is my rock, someone I can call in the middle of the night & he will wake up & be there for me. He would catch a plane on a moment's notice to be with me if I needed him. All I have to do is ask. I am blessed to have him in my life.

So, I sometimes lament my failed marriages. But I have good, strong relationships with people. Relationships with friends who truly know me, they "get" me, they accept the authentic me. And, I feel the same about them. So, in that context, I am successful. I am content in my life, with the mistakes I have made, with the Path I am now walking in my Journey. Therefore, I may lack material wealth, but I am wealthy beyond measure. I am blessed with good health despite my own attempts to abuse body & mind in my youth. Sleeping with a CPAP machine & taking thyroid meds every day are just inconsequencial when others suffer so much. I am a blessed woman & I know it. I thank Great Spirit everyday for all that has been given me.

"I've been talking to my angel, and he says that it's alright"

~~blessed be...

MCLinky Monday

The RHOK




A - Age: 58

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: dusting - a necessary evil

D - Dog(s') name: Lobo, Scrappy, & Zane

E - Essential start your day item: Caffiene

F - Favorite color: Red

G - Gold or Silver or Platinum: Silver

H - Height: 5'7"

I - Instruments you play(ed): zilch, zero, nada, not a one

J - Job title: Administrative Assistant/Office Mgr

K - Kid(s): Son age 33

L - Living arrangements: House w/ 3 dogs

M - Mom's name: LaDell

N - Nicknames: Sweet Thang, "D", Wild Child

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Wisdom teeth extracted, complete hysterectomy (after going through menopause--WHAT THE HECK is up with THAT?!?!?!?!!)

P - Pet Peeve: People who DO NOT use their turn signals.

Q - Quote from a movie/show: "there are people in this world to save you when you need saving, to cover your ass when it needs covering, and who are always there when you need someone to lean on"--The YaYa Sisterhood

R - Right handed or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: One brother

T - Time you wake up: 5:30am-6:00am on weekdays; 7:00am-8:00am on weekends

U- Underwear: Yeah, yeah.  I live in a smalltown, just one accident & the tongues would wag for a month if I didn't

V - Vegetable you dislike: Beets

W - Why you run late: I don't

X - X-rays you've had: Teeth, back, shoulder, chest, collarbone

Y - Yummy food you make: Key Lime Pie

Z - Zoo favorite: I don't visit zoos anymore.  I do go to animal sanctuaries especially the ones that rescue wolves (my Totem animal)

~~blessed be...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Ramblings on a Thursday morning...



I'm an Oklahoma Girl

Red dirt courses thru my veins
Ya’ll falls softly from my lips
I talk slow, no sign of a drawl
But I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I love the smell of new mown hay
I can tell you what kind of cow is in that field
I can drive a John Deere
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I wear boots & jeans with diamond rings
I am at home in lace & pearls
I learned to drive in an old Chevy truck
Bumping over ruts in a pasture
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve shoveled out cow barns
I can milk by hand
I’ve hoed the garden
I’ve watched the dehorning
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve fed the calves
I’ve watered the horses
I’ve called the cows in to be milked
I’ve called the dog to kill a snake
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I drink coffee from Starbucks
I shop at Whole Foods
I’ve traveled the country
I’ve searched for an identity
I’ve found my way home
I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I lived in big cities far from the hills
Saw mountains that touched the sky
Walked in the shadows far from the light
Always an Oklahoma Girl

I lived a fast life
I rode the back of a Harley
But nothing compared to riding my pony
I’ve climbed the Cascades, topped the Rockies
But, nothing compared to seeing the Arbuckles in the summer sun
wildflowers gracing the centuries old rocky face
I am, after all, an Oklahoma Girl

Neon lit many a sky
Turned night into day
Sounds of traffic played a sweet song
Sounds of the city both night & day
But, I am an Oklahoma Girl

Thunderheads come up far to the west
Lightening dances
Thunder booms far off in the distance
The clouds are black turning to green
Hail
I am an Oklahoma Girl taught to read the signs

Spring is upon us
Tornados are a part of our existence
Don't head for the cellar
Stand on the porch & watch it unfold
I'm an Oklahoma Girl

It's hailing they said that Oregon afternoon
Our cars will be dented
Our insurance is doomed
What, that's not hail I shouted
Pea-sized , HA HA
Don't call me til it's at least golfball.
Silly, people
I'm an Oklahoma Girl & I know hail

I’ve watched the sun set on Key West
But nothing can match the colors of pink, purple & gold
when the sun sets on the Oklahoma horizon
Nothing compares to the night the full moon graces an Oklahoma sky
The stars dance thru the heavens
The night birds call
A soft breeze blows thru my hair
I smell the honeysuckle, the roses
I let out a long breath, I am home

I am an Oklahoma Girl




~~blessed be...



Saturday, May 1, 2010

There is no death

"Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.
~~ Lao Tzu "

                                Dave                 James         Bev


***************************

This picture was taken on a very happy night at Charlies Last Stand in OKC.  Dave & James were both terminal with the same cancer.  Bev, James' wife, is my heart-sister - the one who best understands, the one with whom I share a history of so much.   Dave brought these people into my life.  I guess he knew that Bev & I would need each other to lean on through the years we have left to walk through this life. 

Several weeks ago James came to me in my dreams.  I had been going through a rocky spot.  Nothing too serious, just a bit of discontent.  Trying to figure out what to do next with my life.  Then, there was James.  It was a beautiful visit, brought me much peace, & while I am still interpreting some of the message I have been much more myself-peaceful, spirit-filled, joyful, happy.

Last Sunday I was mowing the yard.  I had moved to the backyard & was running around the grass on my Yardman Bug (small riding mower) with my mind very quiet just enjoying the day (I meditate quiet often on the mower-the hum of the engine quiets my Spirit & mind).  Then out the corner of my eye as I made a turn I caught the movement of the door opening that leads from the garage to the patio.  I kinda jumped then realized it was my brother, Dave.  He was there but a moment standing on my patio.  As he did in life, & now from the Other Side, he spoke in my heart.  Just checking in, I'm ok. Me, too I said out loud.  I miss you. Love ya, bro! And he was gone in a heartbeat.  Back I am sure to riding that Harley that I promised he would climb on when he crossed over.

It had been awhile since I had seen Dave.  Strange, I had just mentioned to Sparky a couple of days before that I see dead people quite often (although I do not believe they are dead, just crossed over to the Other Side living the next Adventure), that I hear Spirits talking to me, I have visons, & get messages, but over the last several years nothing from Dave.  Guess my little brother had to prove me wrong (he liked to do that). 

After that visit something shifted within me.  I think it was a complete, final settling of my Spirit that had not yet occured after Dave crossed over.   It was as if something actually lifted from within me.  Like a deep, cleansing breath.  A reminder of what I have always believed...there is no death, no ending of a Spirit.  We leave the body that no longer serves us in human form behind, but we-the True essence of us, our Spirit- continue to live.  We cross over to the Other Side.  The home from which we came when we decided to have a human experience.  We are all Spiritual beings who have always lived.  We will always be alive.  Do we reincarnate & live many human lives?  I have no answer for that.  I have, all my life, experienced de ja vu.  I have, in the past, gotten what I thought was a glimpse of a past life.  Where I lived, who I was in an abstract sort of way.  I have felt I walked a particular street before, in a place where I had never been in this life.  So, that will be an answer I will get as my Journey continues.  I like the concept of reincarnation.  I understand the need to "get it right" as we walk through our lives.  Do we get chances for do overs when we cross over with mistakes, missteps still on our hearts?  I don't know, but I wouldn't mind being able to take all I have learned in this Journey & apply it to another Journey.   All I do know is this...death of the body is not death of the Spirit.  There is much between the seen & unseen worlds.  And I believe deeply in the unseen.  I have felt it all my life.

I will miss my brother & James, & all the others who have gone before until I am again united with them on the Other Side.  But, I will grieve no more.  I will remember, I will honor their lives.  I will laugh at the funny memories.  I will cry at the unfairness of lives cut too short, too soon.  But, I am alive.  My Journey is not yet over.  I have much to do.   Places to go, people to see, destiny to fulfill, lives to impact.  I have much left to accomplish.  James & Dave have reminded me of that.

Thanks my brothers!!  Til we meet again, on the Other Side...or the next time you know I need a visit.

~~blessed be...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Step back, breath...

    The present

+ an attitude of gratitude

+ positive action
__________________
= my perfect life.

Excerpt from: Living a Five Star Life,
by Betty Mahalik




***********************************************




I have much for which I am grateful.  Sometimes I get so hung up in looking into the future that I forget to stop & simply say "Thank you" for all that I have today.  After all, today is really all we have.  As the saying goes, "Life is what happens when we are making plans".  That is so very true, & I have seen it first-hand on more than one occasion.  Plans are good, but not when the planning of  Life hampers the Living of Life.  Life is meant to to be a full-out, adrenaline pumping, head-long race.  Not to a goal so much as to an Adventure.  At least that is what it has always been for me.   The Adventure of  Living  is what makes Life so exciting, fulfilling, & worth-while.  Because when you are in that Adventure you experience, truly experience, all that Life has to offer.  Mostly good, but some tragic.  But it is through tragedy that we learn to savor the good times, to remember that Life is short-lived (shorter for some than others), & that we must take time for what is truly important.  Love, living fully, service to others, compassion, acceptance, humility, humanity, tolerance.  To serve & love others as much or more than yourself is truly a Life well lived.

So, today I stopped, took a deep breath, & remember all the things (in no particular order) for which I am grateful:

  • Great friends
  • A job
  • A lovely home
  • A reliable car
  • Good health
  • My sanity
  • The ability to do as I please with my free-time
  • Sitting on the back patio at sunset with my pupsters enjoying the last vestige of the day
  • Watching the sun go down, the moon come up & the stars coming out to play
  • Watching lightening bugs dance across the yard
  • Listening to the doves coo
  • Watching the sun come up & the world come alive
  • Being greeted with puppy kisses & hugs
  • The smiles that light up the faces of my grandchildren
  • Laughter
  • A day filled with sunshine
  • A little jingle in my pocket for a treat now & then
  • A personal relationship with Great Spirit
  • A loving relationship with my son & his family
  • Beautiful, smart, happy, healthy grandchildren
The list could go on, but I think you get the idea.  It is the simple things, the things that we all go to work each day to provide ourselves & our family.  It is the things that cannot be bought with the fruits of our labors.  It is all the things with which we are blessed.  Not because we deserve any of  them, but because the Universe saw fit to give them to us.

So, let's just stop-step back-breath-& say "Thank you". 

~~blessed be...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Musings on a rainy Sunday afternoon

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -Lao Tzu

*****************************

Got a real surprise Friday afternoon just before 5pm.  The boss & his wife took me out for coffee at a local coffee shop near the office.  We had a very nice chat, enjoyed a very nice coffee frappe, & it started the weekend off pleasantly. 

Spent several hours in Ada on Saturday. Sparky was behind in his filing.  That is really a misstatement since he never files.  So, I should say I was very behind in my filing.  Got it all taken care of in about 90 minutes.  He had sold his older bucket truck (one we bought 10 yrs ago) & the buyer came to pick it up.  Kinda bitter sweet because I remembered when we went to Springfield, MO to get it, driving it back to OK, then all the times I drove it on jobs with him, & the times I actually worked up in the bucket.   So much has happened in that 10 yrs.  We went to lunch with a couple who have been his friends for over 20 yrs to celebrate her birthday.  Went to the new Chinese restaurant.  Very good food.  They actually had sushi & a mongolian grill not to mention way too many selections on the buffet.  Then I came home early afternoon, did laundry, & hung out with the pupsters.  It rained all day, into the night, & is still raining.  I have spent today cleaning the kitchen, watching movies, then I made buffalo chili.  Turned out really good.  Lots of spices.

The quote above really spoke to me today.  In fact, it would have spoken to me on any day lately.  I never, ever expected to still be in OK in 2010.  My plans 5 1/2 yrs ago were to move to Seattle.  I like Seattle, I liked the life I had there with my Big Guy (he is still there, has a very nice life, & is getting his business going).  I miss the social life I had there. 

The photo is the sunset off Mallory Square in Key West.  That is where my heart is & has been since I went there on a trip my brother requested (he called it his Make a Wish trip).  I love the ocean, the beach, the sun, the laid back lifestyle.  I like the ecclectic vibe.  I like the nightlife.  But mostly I like the acceptance of everyone's exintricities.   It is a place where you can just "be".  I long to just be. 

I know it is time to get back to my writing.  Back to the novel that has been shelved for way too long.  I have had a hard time getting back to my life since my brother died.  I got so wrapped up in his care, in his cancer, that I lost myself.  I lost my drive to live my dream.  I lost my creativity.  I do not in any way regret devoting my life to my brother during his illness.  It was an honor & a priviledge to serve him, to take care of him, to do all that needed to be done.  But here I am, almost six years later, still trying to get back to myself.  For some reason, I have found that very hard to do in OK.  I love OK, don't get me wrong.  She is the land of my birth, red dirt flows in my veins, I am an Okie.  But I am more.  That more is difficult to grasp in the circle in which I now exist.  Sparky has never lived more than 30 miles from where he was born, & that is ok.  He is content, it is the life he wants.  For me, I have been to the city & I have seen the elephant.  My horizons have expanded so far beyond the horizon I can see from my window.  I miss seeing the elephant.  I miss stimulating conversations.  I miss the arts, discussing best sellers, exploring out of the way neighborhoods.  I miss trying new, exotic, ethnic restaurants.  I miss festivals, & walks in parks. 

I live 1.5 hrs from two large cities, 4 hrs from another one.  When we go to these cities for a day, I always remember that Sparky does not "get" what I like to do.  He is not a walker (that has to do with a foot problem).  He is not a lover of art, movies (I am a fanatic for movies, but have not been "to the movies" since I quit going to Seattle), or music other than metal or oldies Rock.  He has never read a book so while I can browse in a bookstore for hours, he cannot.  I did get him to try Latin food the other day, but he does not have adventurous taste buds either.  He is steady, a good man, & I am told often (by others) how lucky I am to have him in my life.  I am blessed, I know that.  But I am dying in my spirit. 

I do go out of town by myself every other month or so.  I get my hair trimmed, I eat Indian food at a restaurant I really like, I explore out of the way shops I have heard about.  But, I need to sit down in a coffee shop with like-minded friends & have real talks. 

I am at a crossroads in my life.  I know what my heart tells me, but I also know that I am "stuck" here in many ways.  Mostly because the job market is terrible.  I am not 20 any more.  When I was, I just picked up & went.  Now I think about reinventing myself rather than just doing it.   I have obligations that I could not handle if I lived in Key West or Seattle, or Montana.  It appears that I will be in OK for many more years.  How do I get my life back, stay here, & not lose myself in the process?  How do I find what I gave up when I moved back here?   

Whiney aren't I?  I think the weather gets me thinking like this.  I need sunshine, hot weather, I need to go for a long run.  Make that a walk, I might be a little out of shape to start with a run. LOL

I need to take time each day to write.  I need to get together with my "big city" friends.  I need a day to "do lunch", go out for coffee, listen to music, sit at a sidewalk cafe', browse a bookstore, have a stimulating conversation with friends who have diverse views.  I need mental stimulation.  I need to go sit on a rock & contemplate.  I need to not just recharge my Spirit, but I need to replenish my well that has run dry. 

I need to find myself again.

~~blessed be...



Friday, April 9, 2010

The Perfect Family...



"So the Perfect Family wasn't so perfect after all".  That's what Sparky said when I told him the story of my childhood.  The REAL story.  Authentic, truthful, full of pain, drama, intrigue, and lies.  Telling that story is a part of my healing, a part of living a healthy life.

Last night my Mom called to chat and to let me know that my step-dad is having some routine procedures done next week.  He likes for me to be informed & had told her to call me.  Pops loves me!! And I feel blessed to finally have a "Dad" who actually likes me & wants to spend time with me.  As it always happens when Mom & I talk the conversation was turned to my daddy, by Mom.  She says she has let go of the past, but with every conversation she goes back to it, back to events that are very painful.  What she doesn't realize is that with each telling of the "facts" she gives me more of the "truths" & I find out that what she told me originally, time-line wise, is not true.  She knew the facts a lot longer than she originally told my brother & me.  It really does not matter at this point in time, but it sure explains much more.  While I still don't really remember my childhood, she does fill in some blanks. 

I have been thinking about this post for months.  I thought about it last night & went back & forth on whether or not I would even write it.  But, this year I have promised myself that I would write the truth of my Journey, whatever that might be & where ever it might lead, either currently or in my past, with complete truth & authenticity.  Yesterday I saw a report on the news about a young man who killed the man who had molested him as a child then continued, allegedly, to stalk him as an adult.  The wife of the slain man has asked that the young man not be given prison time, not be charged with murder because she believes "my husband had a secret life."  That opened up a big can of worms for me.  So, here is my truth...

My dad molested at least one boy (who as a young adult returned to that small town in OK to blackmail my daddy-looking for $20,000 to go away.  He didn't get the money because my Mom bluffed him, stood up & refused to pay.  He went away, but I think my dad may have given him the money.), maybe two.  For all I know there were more.  I have spoken about this but I have never written those words before.  That was harder than I thought.  I know he did not abuse his children in that manner.  I know this for a fact about my brother although Mom says there was an "incident" with my brother when he was a baby that made her very uncomfortable & that after that she never allowed either of us to be alone with our dad.  That is why he never went to father/daughter functions with me, Mom would tell him it wasn't important & that I didn't care one way or the other (I did though, it hurt me so much that I never could attend those functions with my daddy & I never knew until recently that Mom kept this from happening because she did not want him to be alone with me).  There was the time that he exposed himself to me when I was 15 or 16.  I never told anyone until I was in intensive therapy when I told my therapist.  Later I told my Mom.  There is one incident when I was 5 that I can only remember up to a certain point then nothing.  It was when I was alone with my daddy.  I shared this in therapy & know that I can probably undergo hypnosis & remember but I am not sure I want to at this point in my life.  I have come out the other side on so much & what would it solve.  I shared this with my Mom also & she has pretty much poo-pooed the whole thing, but I understand that is a defense mechanism for her.  

I have strong feelings that my daddy should have gone to jail for what he did--I can never forgive what he did nor can I justify it.  I also cannot justify or forgive the fact that when my Mom knew for certain she did nothing, kept quiet, kept up appearances.  That just goes against all that I believe is right.  My Mom knows intellectually that this should have happened-he should have been sent to jail, he should have had to make amends when she became aware of the scope of the abuse, but to this day she feels that would have as she says "ruined" all of our lives.  That we would have had to move away from my hometown.  She believes that stigma would have scarred my brother & me for life.  Hell, we were scarred anyway by the childhood we had to live.  Could it have really been any worse?  Would have knowing the truth, living the truth perhaps set us free?  Would we have been healthier sooner if the lies had not been told?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I am free now.  Free of believing I was somehow less than I needed to be in order to be loved by my daddy.  After all these years, it wasn't me.  I could have saved myself a lot of wrong roads in life, a few bad choices, & perhaps had a marriage that actually lasted had I only known the truth. 

What I do wonder about my dad is this.  I know he was gay, I know he had relationships with men.  One of them was a really nice man who was very good to my brother & me.  He & daddy took me to see the movie Pollyanna-it is one of my favorite childhood memories.  He spent time at our house, he brought us gifts-a stuffed poodle was my favorite.  We (including my Mom) visited his house.  What caused my dad, later, to become interested in young boys, teenagers?  That is not typical of a gay man.  I have many gay friends - they are not like that.  I like my gay friends, I respect them.  In fact, I love my gay friends.  They treat me with such respect & love.  I would have been happy to say "My dad is gay", I would have been fine if he had a partner.  I would have embraced that, but I just cannot wrap my mind around the other.  These are questions that will never be answered in this Life.  But what I do know is this, I chose this Journey these parents when my Spirit chose to have a human experience.  I am only now beginning to understand the full extent of the lessons those choices are teaching me.   Someday, I will be fully Enlightened & will know all the answers.  For now, I walk my Path.

~~blessed be...

Friday, March 26, 2010

T.G.I.F. Ramblings



It's here, it's here...FRIDAY!!  Certainly the last three days have been better than my Monday.  But, then that wouldn't have taken alot. 

I am looking forward to my weekend, supposed to be in the 70's here tomorrow.  Just might be a good day for a walk in the park with one or all three of the furkiddos.  They need a good long walk & so do I.  Could be just want I need to jumpstart my waning exercise program.  The yoga & pilates dvd's are lying on top of the tv ready to load into the player.  I know how good I feel when I exercise each morning, but I have just been lazy.  Shape up, girl!!  Get with the program!!

I was watching Sober House w/Dr. Drew last night & I thought how blessed I am.  I never went to rehab, detoxed on my own, & worked the Steps like a maniac so that I could start my life over.  That's been over 15 yrs now.  What I have learned during those years couldn't all be listed here if I wrote all day.  What I do know without a doubt is that I am an addict.  I have an addictive personality so I must be ever vigilent.  I don't crave drugs anymore, haven't for years.  I don't even take aspirin.  Decided to handle depression without drugs.  Didn't like the way anti-depressants made me feel.  Basically, because I felt nothing at all.  I was numb all the time.  Wasn't depressed, wasn't anything.  So, I decided that I needed to feel the feelings & learn to deal with them.  Oh, sometimes the darkness threatens & sometimes I take a moment to acknowledge it.  But I do not allow it to take over.  I know that if I stay in touch with my feelings, acknowledge them, & work through them I will be alright.  I know that I have a chemical imbalance.  I treat it naturally.  But just knowing that it is chemicals, not insanity has really helped.  It is easy to sink into insanity when you are not insane.  I've been crazy & this Life I have now is much better.  I am much better.  So, self-medicating is no longer an option for me.  I am choosing to live a healthy life.

I have learned that liquor is not a problem even though I was a binge drinker for many years.  I can have a beer with bar-b-que or Mexican food & I am lucky to finish it.  I can have a glass of Merlot sitting on the patio enjoying the last rays of sunshine on a lovely day with a dog on my lap.  Don't even get a buzz.   So no more black-outs, no more hangovers.  Thank Great Spirit for that!

While I will not mention her name here, the therapist I saw for several years got me through the rest of the rough spots & I am deeply grateful.  She blessed me beyond measure.  It is a debt I could never repay so I try, in whatever small way possible, to make a difference in someone else's life.  I offer whatever comfort & advice I may have.  I faced my demons, I faced my childhood, I faced the truth about my family.  I looked at all the events that shaped me & I decided what parts I would keep.  There weren't many.  Just stepping back as an observer & looking at my past from the outside was enlightening.  I am glad I was able to look honestly & accept that which I cannot change...those who I cannot change.  I can only change me...& I have. 

The day I sat on my Daddy's grave & said all that had been unsaid for more years than I could count was a freeing moment.  I yelled, I cried, I talked.  Then I told him I would not be back.  I haven't.  No more flowers left, no more trying to make him be the Dad I wanted even though he has crossed over to the Other Side.  Our moment for any reconciliation is long past.  He has been dead for 24-25yrs, and the moment had passed long before that.   I can only hope that his Spirit is free at last.  His demons were far greater than mine.  And he left this Life with much on his soul.  I hope he has found peace.  I have. 

So, today & everyday, I walk with a smile & an appreciation of how good life can be, how happy one can be when acceptance, peace, & contentment are chosen.  When asked "How are you?" my response "Fabulous, as always!!"

~~blessed be...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Are you a "Girly Girl"?



I have never described myself as a "girly" girl.  When I heard that term I always thought of a very frilly, bouncy type of female.  You know all kinda "cotton candy-like".  I am more the jeans, leather jacket, t-shirt, & boots kinda gal.  Hanging with the guys.  Going on Adventures.  I always thought I was too tough, too brash, too outspoken to be defined as "girly". But, I do wear jewelry.  Lots of jewelry.  Always have.  I pile on the bracelets, rings, & never go out without earrings.  I wear make-up.  Less than I used to but much more artfully applied than in the "blue eyeshadow days".  And I do like for my hair to look good.  Not "done" but casually attractive-I don't mind if it gets blown around in the convertable or on the back of a Harley, but I want to be able to brush it, shake it out & look good when I get out.  Back in the day,  I wore braids quite often, ususally just one long one down my back.

Then, one day several years ago, a guy I know called me a "girly" girl.  WHAT????!!??  He went on to say that of course I was "girly", that in fact I was quite "girly".  Some of it had to do with my figure (I am curvy), but mostly he said it had to do with the fact I wear makeup, do my hair, & wear jewelry even when I am in jeans, t-shirt, boots, & leather.  Also because I will not leave the house without earrings.  Who knew that made you "girly".  So, I took a poll of the guys I know.  BIG SURPRISE...they ALL thought I was "girly".  Guess the fact I can cuss like a sailor does not detract from the overall girliness.  Huh, was I ever surprised that guys see me that way. 

My oldest granddaughter embraces her girliness.  She wears at least one article of pink with everything.  She loves jewelry & has since before she could really talk.  She is one tough little cookie, but she is a girl & likes girl-things.  I was afraid I would not be able to relate to her girliness but I was oh so wrong.  We connect on several levels.  She is a mini-me with the attitude to match.  I am so sorry for that my dear son!!  But it does crack me up big-time.

So, I have embraced my "girliness".  I now relish being girly.  I wallow in girliness.  I strive for girliness & being feminine.  Still don't wear ruffles, but I do pile on the pearls from time to time.  I do wear diamonds occasionally.  And I never leave the house without my earrings.

~~blessed be...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sometimes I forget...

to stop & say "Thank You!!!". 

An Attitude of Gratitude--something I always strive to have in my daily life.  For several days I have forgotten.  Forgotten that I have so much for which I should be thankful, so many blessings. 

Sometimes we get mired down in the daily grind, & I don't mean that morning cup of coffee.  We muck about in the mud of Life, bogging further down in the crap. At times the crap can threaten to bury us, if we do not shovel fast enough.  Monday I forgot to shovel at all.  And in doing so got swallowed up, buried, & wallowed in the mud, couldn't find my footing.  I had some trouble digging out that day.  But, Tuesday the sun rose in the East, shined brightly on my head (I also had a very good hair day LOL), & I remembered to be grateful.  Grateful for a good paying job (even if I do have "boss issues") in a time when so many are unemployed, grateful for good health (even if I am one of the "uninsured"), grateful for good friends who send love, support, & advice, grateful that I am here in this moment, grateful to be grateful. 

Today, I am back!  Me--positive, hopeful, energetic, happy, ready to keep moving forward.  And, BTW, still having a good hair day!!  Good hair & make-up can really change a woman's attitude, not to mention being at my lowest weight in 10 yrs.  Still not at my goal, still need to exercise EVERY DAY to finish the loss process, but thankful for having to punch more holes in the belt, thankful that I am feeling good.

While working on my meditation today I came across the link listed below.  Just what I needed today to reinforce what I already knew.  Visual reminders are always a good thing.  So I though I would share it.  I hope it blesses your day also.

~~blessed be...

http://www.danceintherainmovie.com/

Friday, March 19, 2010

Someday, once again...




I want to know how it feels to be this kind of "in love". I had that once, & he dedicated this song to me.  Sometimes I miss it, miss it alot.  I like my life & really have no plans to ever marry again.  But, I miss that overwhelming, breath-taking feeling of being totally in love, & of someone being in love with me.  I miss that connection with another person.

The other guy dedicated the following songs to me.  I think of him everytime I hear them.  Takes me back to being young, foolish, in love, thinking I was 10 ft tall & bullet-proof.





 Well, that's just me remembering the guys in my life who loved me...& who I loved.  These two were very bad boys.  But they suited my life at the time 'cause I was livin' the bad girl life.

This next one was dedicated to me by the first boy I ever loved, ever kissed when I was 14.  He is still in my life. And I still love him.  We just cannot seem to get our lives together...together.  I loved you then, I love you now, & I will love you with my last breath.




~~blessed be...